


Leaving Home (My Heart Never Left You)

by buk19



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Drinking, Drug Addiction, F/F, F/M, Firefighter Lexa, Flashbacks, G!p Lexa, Girl Penis Lexa, Minor Character Death Mentioned, Nurse Clarke, Parenthood, Single Mom Clarke, Slow Burn, Smut, Teen Pregnancy, Underage - Freeform, mentions of abuse, violence mentioned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2017-03-15
Packaged: 2018-06-09 09:14:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 112,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6900037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buk19/pseuds/buk19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke and Lexa were high school sweethearts. The summer after Lexa's senior year, she leaves without saying goodbye.  7 years later, she comes home. What does she expect to find? Well definitely not the love of her life and a 6 year old daughter she had no idea existed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What Hurts The Most

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this idea floating around in my drafts for awhile. Figured I might as well post it and see what you guys think. 
> 
> Apologies if for any mistakes you may find. Also, if I switch from present and past tense, my bad.
> 
> Hope you like this one!

“Mm Lex you have to stop doing that with your mouth.”

Muffled sounds comes from her girlfriend who continues swirling her tongue around the blonde’s hardening nipple.

They promised their friends they would refrain from having sex in their tent five feet away from the rest of the group. Too many times have their friends had to hear Clarke’s moans and Lexa’s gasps and whimpers while they were in the throes of passion. Ever since Clarke and Lexa got together about a year and a half ago, they became the epitome of a PDA couple. Nobody could really blame them, they were secretly in love with each other since they met at Clarke’s freshman year orientation where Lexa was a sophomore tour guide. It only took a little over a year and a drunken dare to makeout for them to finally own up to their feelings.

“Lexa I’m serious if we don’t stop now - oh fuuck!”

Clarke’s eyes rolled into the back of her head as Lexa’s teeth lightly grazed over the pink nipple still in her mouth. Her other hand meanwhile was working it’s way down to Clarke’s embarrassingly wet core. 

Both naked as the day they were born. Both as turned on as ever to be in each other’s presence. Both sexually frustrated teenagers with raging hormones and unpredictable impulses.

Lexa releases Clarke’s generous breast with a loud popping sound. Smirking at her girlfriend she leans up to lock her lips in a heated wet kiss with the blonde. Clarke’s soft hands gently massage her modest breasts as the younger girl's hips buck up desperately in need of more contact.

“So you sure you want me to stop Princess?”

“Your mouth is going to be the death of me. We’ll have to be quiet so we don’t wake up the others.”

“When have we ever been quiet? Actually no. When have YOU ever been quiet?”

“There’s a first time for everything I suppose. Enough talking more kissing.”

“I thought I was the Commander here.”

“God Lex shut up and kiss me already!”

And that’s exactly what Lexa did and much much more all night. They ended up waking up half the group by the time they went for a second round. Lexa was right, Clarke never could be quiet. Their friends ended up making them move their tent to the other side of their campground for the rest of the weekend but that didn’t stop the smell of sex and sounds of Lexa and Clarke’s mixed pleasure from permeating through the air.

///

“I still don’t understand how Clarkey can be so vocal. Like damn they don’t call you the Commander for nothing.”

“Raven can we please talk about literally anything else besides the sounds my girlfriend makes while she comes?”

“What about the sounds you make? Cause we hear plenty of that too.”

Lexa shot the young mechanic a playful death glare while the blonde wrapped in her arms quietly giggled, finding the whole situation rather amusing. When Lexa realized her girlfriend was laughing too, she directed her glare to her.

“Oh c’mon Lex! We ARE loud. And this isn’t the first time they’ve heard us.”

Octavia removes her lips from Lincoln’s to chime into the conversation.

“Yeah Lexa. If you didn’t want us knowing so much about your sex life, maybe try having sex in less public places.

“Well I can’t help it if you’re all attached at the hip to my girlfriend.” Lexa defeatedly mumbles. She knows she’s not gonna win this one. Truthfully, she doesn’t really care if they can hear her. But Clarke. She likes being the only one who’s ever heard Clarke climax. Well at least the only person who’s witnessed it firsthand (because everyone and their neighbors have probably heard Clarke deliciously screaming out Lexa’s name at one time or another.)

“You’re gonna miss us when you go off to the academy in a few months Commander.”

“You may have grown on me a bit Reyes.”

Raven beams at that. Lexa was a bit intimidating at first. Clarke and Lexa clicked right away. Lexa acted different around the blonde. She wasn’t as stoic and cold around her. She smiled with her eyes and laughed with no reservations. Still though, Raven and Octavia were hesitant the first few times she hung out out with them.

Lexa Woods was a force to be reckoned with. Her sophomore year she already was co-captain of the soccer team, not to mention the fact that she had a black belt and was absolutely gorgeous. Despite all this, she kept to herself for the most part. She hung out with a big brooding sophomore named Lincoln who already had a shit ton of tattoos at 15 and that was it. Until Clarke.

Soon enough, the groups melded together quite nicely with a few additions like Octavia’s older brother Bellamy, his girlfriend Echo, his best friend Murphy, his girlfriend Emori, and high school sweethearts Monty and Miller. That was the group. Now six of them were leaving for college at the end of the summer.

Lexa was planning to start the police academy in September so she was staying in Polis. Clarke was happy because selfishly that meant they didn’t have to try long distance. Clarke would have done anything to make them work, even if that included long distance, but Lexa wanted to stay in Polis. Polis was her home and she grew up wanting to join the force. Everything she ever wanted, she had right in Polis. There was no reason to leave.

Bellamy was also set to go to the police academy. To everyone’s surprise, Lexa and Bell grew close once the groups blended together. Lexa and Bellamy both appreciate order, have a deep rooted desire to seek out justice, and are eternally loyal to the people they love. Somehow, their friendship works rather well.

Murphy was going to Ark U a couple states away for marketing. He always had a nact to spin a story to his advantage so marketing and sales would be perfect for him. Monty was going to Ark U as well in their honors program for computer science.

Lincoln and Echo were going to Ton DC College across the country. Lincoln was majoring in philosophy and Echo in government. Both of the Blakes definitely weren’t happy that their significant others were going so far away for school, but agreed to try and make it work. 

The band was dispersing for bigger and better things, but as most high school friends promise, they swore up and down they would remain in contact and as close as ever. But they were wrong. That camping trip for Clarke’s 17th birthday was the last group trip they ever went on. And for Clarke and Lexa, that summer changed everything.

**7 YEARS LATER**

“Alex sweetie go put your shoes on.”

Clarke was running late for her shift at the hospital. She’s been working as a nurse at Jaha Hospital for about half a year now. The hours are long and hard but she loves it. Once upon a time, Clarke wanted to be a doctor just like her mother. But life happened and becoming a teen mother definitely put a permanent pin in her plans of become a big bad trauma surgeon. Not that she would change her life for anything. 

Her daughter is her life. It was difficult raising her while juggling school, but Abby financially and emotionally helped them out. Clarke took enrolled in Polis U online a year after Alexandria was born. The past few years were some of the most difficult and most rewarding of her life. She couldn’t have survived without her amazing support system: her mom, Raven, Octavia, Lincoln, Bellamy, and hell even Murphy (a surprise to everyone).

“Mommy can you tie my shwoes for me.”

“Of course sweetie. Sit down. Remember for next time it’s loop, swoop, pull.”

“Loop, swoop, pull.”

“Mhmm good job. Did you brush your teeth?”

“Yes Mommy.”

Alex looked down at her feet while she played with her fingers - a tell tale sign she was lying. God, she was so much like her mother. Whenever Lexa felt guilty about something, she would do the exact same thing. Alexandria may have never met her mother but she has the exact same mannerisms as her sometimes. It’s a bit scary.

“Oh yeah? Smile for mama.”

“Nooooooo.”

“Oh no huh? I’ll give you two minutes to go brush your teeth missy or I’ll tell Aunt Raven to drop you off at the hospital’s day care instead of letting you go with her to the car shop.”

Alex’s eyes widened at that as her little feet pattered down the hall to brush her teeth. Clarke’s daughter loved her Auntie Raven. She was so much fun and always stuck her tongue out at her mommy when she wasn’t looking. She was funny too, always playing little pranks. Every Tuesday and Thursday, Alex would go with her to the car shop where she would do her homework as her aunt worked on the cars and made funny jokes about all her customers.

“All done Mommy! See!”

Alex smiled wide and giddy with excitement to show Clarke her clean teeth.

“Alright good job sweetie. Let’s go. Mama’s late. Don’t forget your lunch box hun.”

The older blue eyed blonde and young brunette with piercing green eyes held hands walking down the street to the nearby elementary school. This was their routine. This was their life and it was a good one. A very important person may be missing from it, but that wasn’t anyone’s fault but hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next we will get some more insight on the cutie that is Alexandria Griffin. Also, a surprise character pops up and causes some trouble.
> 
> Let me know in the comments if you think this is worth pursuing further!


	2. Don't Dream It's Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is curious about who her other mother is. A person from the past comes back into the picture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, my bad if there's any mistakes.

“Auntie Raven! Auntie Raven!”

Alexandria ran with her arms wide and flailing as she launched herself into her aunt’s embrace. 

“Hey kiddo! How was school? Any punks I gotta take care of?”

“No punks. Jasper said his Daddy’s live together and kiss on the cheek because they wove [love] each other. Do you wove my mommy?”

“Oh uh well.”

Raven had no idea how to answer the question. Alexa has yet to ask about her other parent. Clarke had a whole speech prepared about how her other mommy might not be around, but she has Clarke and her aunties and uncles and grandma. This wasn’t really her place to initiate that conversation though.

Sure, Raven loves Clarke, but not in _that_ way. She understands where Alex is coming from though. Raven and Clarke do live together and they do platonically kiss on the cheek everyday before leaving for work. They’ve been doing it for years, ever since high school actually. But now their affectionate nature has Clarke’s daughter confused.

“Well do you?”

“Of course kiddo. I love both you and your mom very much.”

Alex’s eyes beamed up at her with such awe and adoration.

“Does that mean you’re my other mommy?”

Well fuck this isn’t good. Clarke’s gonna kill Raven when she hears about this.

“No baby. I love your mom but I love her like I love Auntie O. Like a sister. That’s why you call me your auntie. Do you understand?”

“Yeah..”

Alex’s face fell. Lately, Alexandria was really confused. Everyone else had two parents. Two mommies or two daddies or a mommy and a daddy. But she only had one mommy. Some of her friends had two houses because their parents didn’t live together anymore. But they all still had two parents. She loved her mommy so so much. Her mommy is so pretty and nice and smart. She always makes her waffles with strawberries on Sunday mornings and then takes her to the park to play soccer (even though her mom can’t kick the ball for her life). Alex still wonders where her other parent is though. Does she even have one? She’ll have to ask her mom when she gets home.

“Come on if you don’t tell your mom I’ll get you some ice cream before we head off to the shop.”

“With spwinkles?!”

“Sure kiddo.”

///

It’s almost 6pm which means it’s almost closing time. Raven is eager to get home and wait for Clarke to get home to explain to Alexandria’s questions about her “other mommy.” Clarke is such a good mother to her kid. Raven respects the blonde for managing to get her nursing degree while still managing to be a present mother to her daughter.

Raven glances over to see Alexa playing with the toy tool box Raven keeps for her in her office. The girl likes to pretend she’s fixing the cars with her aunt. It’s honestly one of the cutest things Raven has ever seen.

“Hello? Is anyone here?”

That voice sounds awfully familiar to Raven. And then the blonde comes out of the shadows. Oh my god. Anya Woods. Anya Woods is in Raven’s shop. To say that Raven was internally freaking out would be an understatement.

How does she handle this? What does she say? What would Clarke want her to say? Again, Raven is thrown into a situation she has no business being in.

“Anya.”

“Raven Reyes? Wow 7 years did you wonders.”

“What are you doing here?”

“I got a flat tire a block away from your shop. I was hoping you could -”

“No.”

“No?”

“No, I meant what are you doing _in Polis_. You and your sister picked up and left. No forwarding address. You just left.”

“Oh I see. Maybe I should just go somewhere else.”

“No! Wait!”

Raven couldn’t let the women in front of her leave. Clarke might not want to reach out to the Woods, but she has to give her best friend the chance to make that decision for herself. If the Woods are back in town, Clarke deserves to know. And perhaps, the Woods (one in particular) can give an explanation for what really went down all those years ago.

“I’m not going to give you any answers to your questions Reyes. Not tonight.”

“That’s okay. I’ll get Wick to go tow your car. Just sit in that chair over there, I have to make a call.”

“Let me guess, you’re calling a certain blondie.”

Raven shakes her head, ignoring the question. “I’ll be right back.”

///

“Clarke Griffin speaking.”

“Clarke!! Thank god you picked up.”

“Raven? Is everything okay?? It Alex okay?!”

“Oh yeah. Sorry, didn’t mean to freak you out.”

“Ok then what is it? I’m still on call.”

“Anya Woods just walked into my shop.”

There was a pause in conversation. Clarke didn’t say anything for a good minute. Surely, she was pacing the halls of the hospital with a pit of anger and confusion building in her stomach.

“What did she say Raven.”

“Her tire has a flat. Wick is towing it right now. She’s out front.”

“Where’s Alexandria? Did she see her?”

“No she’s in my office.”

“Good. Keep her there. I’m coming.”

“Wait Clarke. I thought you said you were still on call.”

“I’ll just tell my mother it’s an emergency. The hospital is ten minutes from your shop. I’m leaving right now. Keep Alex in your office Raven.”

“Ok Clarke. Just don’t drive like a madwoman or anything. We aren’t going anywhere.”

Oh Clarke definitely is mad. Let’s see how this ends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why do you think Lexa and Anya left town? What do you think Lexa is going to do when she finds out she has a kid with Clarke? How will Clarke react when she sees Lexa again? Ahh the angst.


	3. World Spins Madly On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke confronts Anya demanding answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for mistakes. Enjoy the chapter :)
> 
> Warning: Briefly mentions drug addiction and emotional abuse.

Clarke was shaking. Her mind was in a daze of indignation and shock. The Woods were back in town. _Lexa's_ back. So many questions were swirling around in her head.

When did they come back? Why did they return after all these years? What have they been doing? Where have they been? And the most the important question of all, why did she leave her?

Clarke honestly never thought this day would come. Lexa left her 7 years ago and didn't give her a reason. All she got was a quick vague voicemail telling her that the love of her life was leaving and not coming back and not to wait for her. It broke her heart. To this day  
it still stings.

Lexa was her first and only love. She loved her since she was 14 and truthfully she never stopped. Even after Lexa abandoned her, she never was able to shake her love for the older girl. Clarke wanted to look for her after she found out she was pregnant. After all, it was Lexa's kid too. Lexa may have abandoned her but she knows she would never abandoned her child had to she known of her existence.

Lexa grew up in the foster care system with her older sister Anya. By the time she was in high school, Anya already aged out of the system and acted as the brunette's legal guardian. Lexa didn't like talking about her time in the system. It was rough. The good foster parents were the ones who didn't care when you came and went, only in it for the paychecks. But the bad ones. They were hell.

The worst of them was this creep Titus. Lexa only told the story once but from what she told Clarke, Titus would emotionally abuse her and Anya. He tried to convince them that love was weakness and they were incapable of being loved. Lexa was 10 and Anya was 14. They were in his "care" for a year. Lexa's time with Titus definitely gave her battle wounds. She was only a sweet little wide eyed kid with too much hope in the world. The emotional trauma she experienced there will follow her for the rest of her life.

When Lexa went to high school, she was still haunted by Titus' words. She didn't think she could be loved. And for two years, she closed herself off from feeling. Instead Lexa became a bit of a player. She would do anything to drown the pain. Sex. Booze. Parties. But not drugs. Never drugs. Her older brother Gustus died of an overdose when she was 7 years old. Lexa never touched the stuff and never will; Clarke was confident of that. Not the same could be said of her sister though. Anya had a pretty bad drug problem and was mixed up in a tough crowd.

Anya Woods was the girl who you saw at every party. She was the girl who you went to whenever you needed a score. The older blonde definitely knew her way around the sketchy part of town. Anya started in the business when she was 16. She was trying to save enough money so that she could support her and Lexa when she aged out. By the time she was 19, she tried it for the first time. It became less about selling the stuff and more about shoving it up her nose, in her veins, in between her toes. You name it. Anya was heading down a dangerous road for about a year until she got her act together.

Still though, Anya was like a sister to Clarke. Anya got it much worse than Lexa when they were in the foster system. Anya would protect her sister at all costs. She would take both of their beatings as long as they agreed to never touch her sister. Lexa cried and begged her sister to let her share the burden. But all Anya would say in return was "I bear it so you don't have to."

Anya Woods was Clarke's goddamn hero growing up. She was a fallen angel trying to claw her way back to Earth. She was the reason Clarke had Lexa. Lexa could have easily fallen through the cracks of the system. But Anya never let that happen. Anya did whatever it took to make sure her baby sister was alright.

Clarke and Anya grew close once her and Lexa started dating. She was actually the one to convince Anya to go to rehab. She told her that using was hurting Lexa more than anything else could. The prospect of hurting her sister after spending her whole life trying to protect her brought the older girl to her sense. A year later, Anya was 20 and fresh out of rehab. And she stuck with it. The younger couple couldn't have been more proud. So Clarke didn't just lose the love of her life, she lost her sister and confidante.

///

"Took you long enough. How's my car?"

Anya seemed nervous, not her usual confident self. Not that Raven really knew her well. Anya was Lexa's older sister. The only person other than Lexa that she was close with was Clarke and Lincoln and surprisingly Bellamy. It was obvious to anyone with a brain that Anya wanted to get out of Raven's shop as quick as possible. She was clearly taken by surprise to see one of Lexa's old high school friends.

"Wick just towed it in. He'll fix it up and you should be out of here in no time. Maybe we will see run into each other in another 7 years right?"

Anya glared at her with such raw intensity, that Raven thought she would combust right there. Just turn into a pile of dust. Damn was this woman intimidating. If she wasn't the biological aunt of her favorite niece and one of the two people who broke her best friend's heart, she would definitely hit on her. This woman in front of her was all fire. Just the way she liked them.

Speaking of balls of fire, in walked the small yet oh so fierce Clarke Griffin still clad in her blue scrubs with eyes of fury that rivaled Anya's steely gaze.

"Anya fucking Woods."

The room was silent but the walls were screaming. Anya grew pale as if a ghost had just entered the shop. And for Anya, that's exactly what Clarke Griffin was. A ghost. A haunting of what her and Lexa left behind. Well more specifically Lexa. Leaving blondie behind was the hardest thing her little sister ever had to do and it was all her fault.

"Clarke."

Clarke's name was spoken like a whisper. Clearly, Anya wasn't expecting this when she went out to pick up some Thai food tonight. 

"I don't even know where to begin. Why the fuck are you here?!"

Clarke was pissed off to say the least. Her hands were balled up in fists as if she was ready for physical blows to come to pass. Her jaw was clenched and it looked like her teeth could crack under the sheer pressure. Her eyes were willing back tears of pure frustration. And her body was shaking from the cold air mixed with the utter shock of running into a real live Woods after 7 goddamn years.

"Why did you leave? Where did you go? And where the fuck is your sister?! No calls. No messages. One goddamn voicemail Anya! Is that all I deserve?! Is that all I was to you two. I treated you like my family and in return you treat me like the shit on the bottom of your shoe."

Anya patiently waited for the blonde to finishing expelling her well deserved anger at her. She knew that most of this anger wasn't even directed at her. She could tell in Clarke's eyes that she's still heartbroken like her sister. It's tragic that both girls could never move on and probably never will. She was going to make it up to her sister though. In that moment Anya decided, she was going to help Lexa get back her girl.

"I know you want answers but I can't give them to you right now. What I can give you is Lexa's number and you can -"

"No!! Don't you fucking say her name to me. You don't know what I've been through these past few years Anya. And neither does your sister. She left me and I had to pick up the pieces."

Raven knew this was bad. Clarke never talked about Lexa. It was a well known unspoken rule to NEVER bring her ex's name up _especially_ not in front of the blonde's daughter. Speaking of Alex, if Clarke keeps up with the yelling she will surely hear which would only add fuel to the fire. Alex looks exactly like a mini Lexa. If Anya saw her and heard her name, there would be no way to keep all hell from breaking loose in her shop.

"Clarke you need to calm down. Look I'm sorry you're still hurting but yelling at me won't change the fact that we left you. Lexa left you. But you don't know the story. You don't know why!"

The blonde slowed down her breathing and unclenched her fists. She knew she had to calm down. Truthfully, it wasn't her plan to come in guns blazing but once she saw the older Woods, something in her snapped.

Lexa left her to raise their child on her own. Sure, she didn't know there was a child to raise. But on the hard days, the blonde needed someone to blame and that person was Lexa. Clarke looked for her during the first few months of her pregnancy but when she couldn't find her after a five month intense search, she knew Lexa didn't want to be found by anyone - including her. She felt abandoned and broken. She still does.

"Then tell me why. Tell me why she left me. Tell me why she left me when everything was perfect. We were going to get an apartment together in a month. We were in love or so I thought. Did I mean that little to her?"

Clarke's words were barely above a whisper and it broke Raven and Anya's heart. Clarke was always so strong, but she wore her heart on her sleeve. So when Lexa left, she didn't just break the young girl's heart, she pulverized it.

"You meant - no you _mean_ the world to my sister Clarke. You're everything to her even now. You have to understand though this is a long story. A story I can't just tell you in summary while I wait for my car to be fixed. There's so much you don't know and I -"

"Who are you?"

Silence fills the room. The three adults slowly turn to the small human looking up curiously at Anya. Her eyes are wide, drowning in emerald green pools. Her luscious brown hair is in a French braid. Something about this kid strikes Anya. This girl is adorable, innocent, sweet, and so fucking familiar. But who is she?

Anya glances over at Clarke and then at Raven. They both look pale. Like a deer caught in headlights. Very strange behavior. Since the question was obviously directed at her, she feels obligated to answer the little girl.

"I'm Anya. What's your name kid?"

"My name is -"

"Alrighty! Your tire is all done!! If you'll follow me you can pay and then be on your way."

Anya looks over to the greased up man and politely nods. By the time she looks back over to finish her conversation with the mystery girl, Raven has her scooped up in her arms tickling her and taking her away into her office.

"I didn't realize Reyes had a kid."

Clarke ignores the comment. She doesn't owe anything to Anya. And if she's going to tell one of the Woods about her child, it would certainly not be her.

"Anya you said I didn't know the whole story."

"Yes I did."

"So when do I get to hear this ever so dramatic story of the utmost importance?"

"Don't be a smartass blondie. That was always one of your lesser of qualities"

"You didn't answer my question."

"I can tell Lexa you want to talk."

"You know what don't bother. I do have one question though and you're going to answer this one thing."

"Just one question and I have the right not to answer if I don't like it."

"When did you two come back?"

"About six months ago."

Six months. Lexa has been in town for six months and she didn't even bother to come looking for her. If Clarke's heart wasn't crushed before, it certainly is now.

"Get in your car. Leave this shop. And don't come back."

"Alright alright I'll leave. But I'm going to leave Lexa's number on this counter. She's never stopped loving you Clarke. At Least give her the chance to explain."

And with that Anya got in her car and drove to her shared apartment with Lexa, desperate to tell her little sister about this turn of events.

\\\\\

"Hey Anya. Where's the Thai food? I'm starving and you took forever."

"No Thai food. I ran into someone though."

"Oh yeah? Who?"

Lexa makes her way to the fridge searching for something to eat. The brunette just finished up a three kickboxing session at the gym and she was famished. Lexa's life revolved around work and working out. That's all she had time for. More importantly that's all her heart and brain allowed of her. She left her chance at true happiness 7 years ago and she's too much of a coward to try and win her back. So she throws herself into her work and the occasional one night stand. It’s easier this way. She knows she’s already found and lost the best thing in her life.

“Don’t freak out sis.”

“Why would I freak out?”

“Clarke.”

Lexa’s whole body stiffens as her head whips in Anya’s direction.

“What did you just say?!”

“I ran into Raven Reyes and Clarke Griffin.”

Anya could see Lexa’s mind working. Her eyes showcased a variety of emotions. Her headspace was in overdrive. They barely talked about Clarke Griffin because she was the one that got away. She was the one who Lexa lost before their lives could even really begin. Anya was never a romantic, she preferred much more to be a realist. When she saw the way Lexa and Clarke looked at each other though, she finally understood what all the fuss was about. 

Lexa threw a million questions at Anya in a matter of seconds. Who, what, when, where, how. The younger Woods’ mind was spinning. This was the first real information she would have on Clarke since she was 18 years old.

“Lex breathe. Not much happened. I got a flat and it turns out Reyes owns a car shop near Roosevelt Street. When Raven saw me she called blondie and boy was she pissed. She came storming in yelling, demanding answers. Still the same smartass she always has been.”

Lexa took a minute to process the info. Clarke is mad. That’s better than her not caring at all right? Lexa knows she fucked up by not going to her the second she could, but she was scared. She was scared that Clarke would reject her after all these years apart. She was scared she would find out that Clarke moved on and had a new life, a new love, and had no space left for her. Lexa was scared because she left home 7 years ago and left her heart behind. But more than anything, Lexa is scared that Clarke would throw her love and her heart in her face if they ever met again.

“How did she look?”

Lexa’s voice was fragile, almost terrified to hear the answer. Either Clarke was happy without her or still in pain. Either way, Lexa would never get a chance with her again, she’s sure of it.

“Well she was wearing a pair of scrubs with one of her signature messy buns. She looked good. Tired but good. Oh and I think Reyes has a kid. She looked like an adorable little shit, nothing like Reyes though.”

“A kid?? Wow that’s so adult. How old?”

“Not sure. She looked maybe 5? I guess a lot has changed since we left.”

“...Yeah I guess you’re right.”

“Look I left your number for Clarke. I wouldn’t hold your breath though you know how blondie can hold a grudge. I did manage to read on her scrubs that she works at Trikru Hospital. I’m guessing she’s working there while finishing med school like she always planned.”

The younger brunette was beaming. Lexa was so proud of Clarke for following through with her dreams. She’s happy Clarke was able to be happy and move on from her. Lexa though, was reminded of Clarke everyday. Everything reminded Lexa of Clarke. From the blue of the sky to the artwork at her favorite cafe that looked just like the artist’s old sketches. What Lexa didn’t know was that Clarke had a real live mini Lexa running around, reminding Clarke of her former love every second of everyday.

“You should go see her Lex. You’re going to have to make the first move here because you’re the one who left.”

“I very well know I’m the one who left Anya. And you know why I had to leave so don’t give me shit.”

“I’m sorry for how everything went down you know that. If I could change it -”

“No I know. I’m sorry for snapping. I’m just scared of seeing her again Anya. What if she hates me?”

“Oh honey Clarke Griffin could never hate you. 7 years is a long time, but I could see it in her eyes. She still loves you. Maybe her life has changed a bit but so has yours. Don’t walk away cause you’re scared Lex.”

“You’re right. I’ll go see her at Trikru Hospital tomorrow. If I don't come back, I'm either dead or dead.”

"Sounds like two very promising options."

Lexa knew seeing Clarke would be like the first breath of fresh air she's had since she was 18 years old. She also knew it wouldn't be easy, impossible even, but she wanted Clarke Griffin back in her life - in whatever capacity the blonde deemed to give her. She never stopped loving her. And she will always have her heart. 

The restless brunette could not fall asleep that night because whenever she closed her eyes all she saw was blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we are finally getting to that Clexa reunion everyone is eager to see I'm sure. Sometime soon we will learn a little more on Anya's backstory and how it all ties into what went down 7 years ago.
> 
> Thanks for all the kudos and comments!!


	4. No Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke see each other again after 7 years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and comments!!
> 
> As for everyone with who have left comments about the witness protection theory, you're not THAT far off but not quite there either. The reason why Lexa left will be revealed soon enough though. Don't worry I won't keep ya'll hanging for too long.

_7 years ago_

_“Babe I love this one. What do you think?”_

_Lexa excitedly looks around the apartment again, dragging her girlfriend by the hand to each different room as the real estate quietly smiles at the young in love couple._

_“It’s gorgeous Lex but the rent is sort of steep.”_

_Clarke always the cautious optimist. She was always the girl to point out the flaws in a seemingly perfect plan. It’s what’s going to make her one hell of a doctor one day. She’s always prepared for the unexpected. Usually Lexa is the one who needs everything planned and organized, but just this once the roles are reversed. When it comes to Clarke Griffin, all of Lexa’s sense turn to mush. Just this once, Lexa dreams of having the love of her life and beautiful home are possible. Just this once she will let herself be happy and indulgent._

_“Come onnnn Clarke! It’s only $200 over my budget. And it’s still cheaper than if you were to dorm next year. I can manage the rent for a year on my own until you move in after your senior year. I know this is our home. I can just feel it.”_

_How could Clarke refuse her adorably dorky girlfriend’s excited grin? It’s rare to see Lexa smile, unless you’re Clarke that is. Still though, the brunette’s smiles melt Clarke every damn time. Her beauty is at it’s peak when the older girl is grinning, free of inhibitions and the ghosts of her past._

_“Okay baby if you think you can manage I’m all in.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Of course you big idiot. I love you.”_

_"I love you too Clarke. More than anything. I'm so lucky to be with you"_

_"You're such a romantic sap Lex."_

_"You love it."_

_"Mmm I do. Come here."_

_Clarke delicately cups Lexa’s cheeks and places a chaste kiss on the corner of her girlfriend’s mouth. When Lexa tries to deepen the kiss though, the blonde pulls away with a smirk on her face._

_“Nope not yet. You have to put down a deposit before we christen the place.”_

_At that moment, the realtor walks in._

_“So ladies, what do you think of the space?”_

_Lexa interlocks her hand with Clarke’s and brightens the whole room with her smile._

_“We’ll take it.”_

///

Lexa was nervous. No terrified as she sat in her car outside the hospital. The hospital where Clarke worked. Clarke. This still feels so surreal. Lexa hoped that Clarke was still living in Polis, but she wasn’t sure. Lexa knows she fucked up. She knows she fucked up when she left 7 years ago, but even more so she knows she messed up by not running to Clarke as soon as it was safe to.

Truthfully, Lexa could have contacted Clarke a year ago. But she was scared. So she promised herself once her and Anya moved back, the first thing she would do was find Clarke. It wouldn’t be that hard. All she had to do was knock on Abby Griffin’s door. She even went to the house once and stood outside for a good two hours contemplating on how to approach the mother of her love. 

But then she let her fears consume her. Was she really ready to answer all the questions that would be thrown at her? What if her presence only disrupted Clarke’s life even more? She knows she probably broke the young girl’s heart. Isn’t selfish of her to barge into her life after all these years? What if she’s moved on? What if she doesn’t care? What if Lexa has been carrying a torch for a girl who forgot about her a long time ago? There were too many unknown variables. Too many things that could go wrong. So Lexa walked away _again_ , before she even had the chance to start over.

This time though, Lexa had no intentions of walking away. She needed to see Clarke, even if all she would get in return was closure. If there was any chance Clarke wanted her back, she would fight till her last breath to prove her love and devotion.

_Ok Lexa stop chickening out. You can do this. Just walk through those doors and ask for Clarke Griffin. She won’t kill you in front of all her patients and colleagues right? Ok even if she does try to kill you, you’re in a hospital. Yeah you got this._

After a much needed pep talk, the brunette exited her car and entered the hospital.

“Hello. Welcome to Trikru Hospital. My name is Monroe. How can I help you?”

“Hi. I’m looking for a Dr. Griffin.”

“Okay let me check if she’s not in surgery. Hold one moment please.”

Lexa was really really nervous. Her heart was beating out of her chest and her palms were all gross and sweaty.

“I’m sorry Abby is in surgery at the moment. If you would like to come back, I can let her know you came by.”

“Wait uh no. I’m sorry I didn’t realize Abby worked here too. I’m looking for Dr. _Clarke_ Griffin.”

“Oh! Nurse Clarke. Sure. Sorry for the mix up. I’ll page her right away. May I ask who’s requesting her?”

“Oh uh Lexa Woods.”

“Okay Ms. Woods if you could take a seat in the waiting room, she will be down shortly.”

“Okay thank you. Have a nice day.”

So this is really happening. Lexa is going to see Clarke. No turning back now. Although Lexa certainly is curious why Clarke chose to be a nurse instead of a doctor like she always planned. But I suppose people change. Obviously there are many more important subjects to discuss before they can delve into Clarke’s career change.

Lexa’s leg was bobbing up and down as she gripped the armchairs as if her life depended on it. And that’s when she saw her. As beautiful as ever. It was like a harsh blow to her chest. After all these years, Clarke Griffin still was able to suck all the air out of her lungs. 

Her eyes might be blue, but they were also red with anger and hurt. Clarke stopped in her place once she saw Lexa. Lexa could see all the emotions over the rainbow go through Clarke’s cerulean pools. At first, she was shocked. Then, angry. Then filled to the brim with sadness. And finally the younger girl just looked tired. Tired as if she has been battling this onslaught of emotions every day since Lexa left. Clarke hasn’t even spoken to her yet and Lexa already felt broken.

For a moment, neither girls knew what to do or how to greet the other. Lexa was the one to get up unsteadily from her chair and cautiously approach Clarke as if she was a mountain lion that could pounce on her prey at any given moment.

“Hi Clarke. It's really good to see you again you have no idea. I know you have questions. Uhm Anya said you uh worked here and I wanted to see you. Maybe we could talk? There’s a lot we should talk about.”

Clarke was silent as she looked at anything other than Lexa. She knew that if she looked in Lexa’s bright green eyes she would see the same eyes of her daughter and would melt. She would break down and she couldn’t do that. No. Not now. She will break down tonight with a nice bottle of wine and Raven Reyes supplying witty comments and unwavering support. So instead, she shut off her emotions as best as she possibly could. Clarke couldn’t have a meltdown in the middle of her work. She needed this job. She loved this job. So the blonde _had_ to keep her shit together. Clarke couldn’t afford to freak out like she did at Raven’s shop (she apologized profusely to Raven for causing such a scene but Raven didn’t care about the scene caused, she only cared about her friend).

“7 years.”

“What?”

“You’ve been gone 7 years.”

“I know. I'm so -”

“You’ve been in town for 6 months.”

“Yes. I was -”

“And you didn’t contact me.”

“Yes, but listen Clarke I -”

“Then there’s nothing to say here.”

Clarke turned on her heels and was ready to walk away and never look back when Lexa gently grabbed her wrist as if it was her lifeline. Clarke backed out of the touch, but nonetheless turned around. Her eyes seething as her body remained stiff and aloof.

“Clarke please wait. Please I’m begging you. There’s so much I need to tell you. I’ll tell you anything you want to know. Just please. Hear me out. I would have never left you if I had a choice! Please please just listen to what I have to say.”

Lexa was desperate as her eyes filled with tears. She could see that Clarke was defeated. That she might have already given up on them. She wasn’t screaming or crying or punching. There may have been a storm of emotions raging in her eyes, but her actions screamed indifference. If Clarke walked away now, Lexa knew Clarke had slipped from her grasp yet again and she couldn’t let that happen. Lexa would get on her hands and knees and plead with the blonde if she had to.

Clarke let out a loud sigh as she massaged her temple with her fingers. She was at work. She couldn’t deal with this shit right now.

“Lexa I’m at work if you haven’t noticed. I’ll give you one chance to explain yourself, but I’m letting you know right now that I’m not doing this for me and certainly not for us. I’ll be off in an hour. Come back then and maybe I’ll listen to what you have to say. Right now though, it’s not looking good for you.”

“Okay. I’ll be here. Thank you Clarke. You don't know how much this means to me. I am so sor-”

“Don’t you dare say sorry and don't thank me. I haven’t done anything except allow you the chance to talk at me.”

And with that, Clarke was off to finish up her work for the day. Lexa was stunned. Clarke has never been so cold with her before, but she deserves every venomous word Clarke spit at her. One thing that Clarke said didn’t make sense though. If she wasn’t hearing Lexa out for her or for their relationship, why? I guess it doesn’t matter why. Clarke was giving her a chance. That’s all she could ask for.

///

“Hey you’re calling Reyes the mechanic extraordinaire. How can I help you today?”

“Raven, it’s me.”

“Oh hey Clarkey. Whatsup?”

“Any chance you can pick up Alex from school today? If you can’t it’s okay I’ll find someone else I know I ask too much of you already and I -”

“Clarke hey just breathe. You know I love that squirt and I don’t mind picking her up today. What’s wrong?”

Ever since their run in with Anya, Clarke has been on the edge. She has been off in her own world, internally and externally freaking out. 

“Lexa fucking showed up at my work Raven that’s what’s wrong! I’ve been trying so long to keep myself together but I feel like I’m ripping apart at the seams. I can’t do this Raven. Seeing her again. When I'm around her, I feel like I’m still the small confused 17 year old who just had her heart shattered and found out she was going to be a teen mother.”

Raven can hear some sniffling and shuffling on the other end which means Clarke is probably holed up in an all call room crying her eyes out while pacing around the cramped space.

“Oh Clarke. Listen to me okay. You’re definitely not that small confused 17 year old anymore. Look at the life you’ve created for Alexandria. She’s a happy and healthy beautiful little girl with a roof over her head and a mother who loves and supports her. You didn’t let what happen break you. You kept going and even though life continued to throw more and more shit at you, you’re still surviving.”

“You make me sound like some hero Rae. I just did what I had to.”

“Clarke not everyone would be able to get their nursing degree while raising a baby while they're still a kid themselves. You are a hero. You’re my hero. But more importantly, you’re your daughter’s hero.”

A sob escaped Clarke’s throat. Clarke doesn’t know what she deserved to have this amazing support system that has continually picked her up throughout all the hardships. Raven is her rock. She's so thankful to have the witty mechanic in her life.

“She wants to talk Rae. She said she would tell me the whole story.”

“Then maybe you should listen to her.”

“I don’t want to listen to a word out of her mouth. I don’t trust her. I don’t want her in my life after she broke my heart and never came back.”

“But she’s back now. Listen to her. If not for you, for Alex. She keeps asking about her ‘other mommy’ Clarke. She deserves to know her. Lexa did something really shitty leaving you. But don’t let your daughter suffer because of her mother’s mistakes. Besides, you know Lexa never would have left had she known you were pregnant.”

“That’s the thing Raven, I thought that Lexa would never leave _me_ either. But I was wrong.”

Clarke heavily sighed again before she continued on ranting to her best friend.

“But you’re right as usual. Lexa deserves to meet her daughter and Alexandria deserves to know her mother. I need to get the whole story before anything though. I won’t let my daughter suffer through the heartbreak that is Lexa Woods if she decides to pick up and leave again.”

“Okay just be careful with your temper Griff. If you don’t rip her head off I’ll reward you with some wine and the best cheeseburgers in Polis.”

Clarke let out a dry chuckle and after their ‘I love you’s’ and goodbye's, the two best friends hung up the phone. Both girls consumed by nerves regarding the upcoming confrontation because they both knew they were stuck in the eye of the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the real confrontation is going to be next chapter and shit is going to go down! Emotions are at an all time high for former couple. So let's see what happens. Definite angst ahead.
> 
> More of Lexa's backstory and the past 7 years of her life will be revealed soon as well.


	5. You and Me Against the World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa talk. Lexa reveals why she left 7 years ago. Clarke reveals what happened when she left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mistakes :)
> 
> Warning: There's some violent flashbacks thrown in here so if you think that'll trigger you, please skip the chapter.

An hour later Clarke walks to the lobby dressed in the casual clothes she came to work in. A simple pair of jeans and a black t shirt, but god does she wear them well. She looks as beautiful as the last day Lexa saw her.

///

_7 years ago_

_“Clarke baby I have to go.”_

_“No stay in bed all day.”_

_Clarke pulls her half naked girlfriend back onto the plush mattress and quickly straddles her in one swoop._

_“You play dirty Griffin.”_

_The blonde leaned in close and nibbled on the older girl’s ear before huskily whispering to Lexa._

_“Last I recalled you like it dirty Woods.”_

_Lexa shudders at the faint contact and provocative words before grabbing Clarke by the hips and swiftly changing positions so that she’s on top._

_“Klark, Abby will be home soon.”_

_“Live a little Woods.”_

_And so Lexa lived a little. Three times._

_///_

_“Lex.”_

_“Hmm”_

_Lexa’s naked body lays half on Clarke half on the mattress as the older girl softly strokes Clarke’s sweaty blonde hair out of her face. If she could stay like this, lazily kissing and laying around in bed with Clarke for the rest of her life she would. Clarke is her world. The reason she got her shit together. The love of her life. Nothing and no one will ever compare to Clarke Griffin, not for her._

_“I love you you know.”_

_“I love you too babe.”_

_“It’s going to be such a weird feeling not seeing you in the halls everyday. I’m going to miss you.”_

_Lexa positions herself so she can stare into those gorgeous blue eyes she loves so much as she tenderly cups Clarke’s face._

_“I’m not going anywhere baby. Polis Police Academy is only 15 minutes from your school. You’ll see my everyday when I pick you up from school. If anything you’ll get sick of me with how much time I plan on spending with you.”_

_“Yeah you’re right. You’re super clingy woman I need my space.”_

_Clarke giggles and playfully pushes Lexa’s shoulder. The brunette mocks offense before grabbing her girlfriend’s wrists and pinning them over her head, peppering hard kisses all over the blonde’s face._

_“Take it back before I kiss you to death.”_

_“God you’re such a dork Lex.”_

_Lexa stops her ‘attack’ and looks down at the flushed laughing beautiful girl beneath her. Her eyes are engulfed in love and adoration and Lexa instantly feels warm just by staring into them. She feels at home. Because that’s what Clarke is. Her home._

_“I really do love you Clarke.”_

_“I love you too Lex. Now kiss me some more before my mom gets home.”_

_Abby came home 15 minutes later and Clarke and Lexa got dressed in record time. Abby stayed downstairs for another 10 minutes, obviously trying to give the girls some privacy to change. Clarke’s mother wasn’t an idiot. The amount of times Clarke and Lexa came downstairs with flushed faces and bed hair was too many to count._

_Lexa stayed over for dinner and then Clarke and her watched Pulp Fiction, Lexa’s favorite, before the brunette headed home. Lexa heatedly kissed her girlfriend on the porch until Abby loudly and intentionally started coughing, causing Lexa’s face to grow red with embarrassment as Clarke heartily laughed. They said their goodbyes and parted ways. Neither girls realize that their brief ‘I love you’s’ would be the last thing they would say to each other for years._

///

“Clarke.”

“Lexa.”

For a moment, the two girls just stood there drinking in each other’s presence. Lexa’s eyes were still bright, but they were tinged with sadness. The girl had bags under her eyes like she didn’t sleep at all last night (which she didn’t thanks to her thoughts about a certain blonde).

“Do you want to maybe go somewhere where we can talk?”

“Yeah we shouldn’t talk here. Octavia owns a cafe around the block. We can go there.”

“Okay. Lead the way”

The walk was quiet but the silence said enough to fill pages and pages. Lexa still couldn’t believe that Clarke was right next to her. Clarke Griffin. She looks the same but the innocence and peace of mind the girl usually carried with her was no longer present. Clarke was grown. It was amazing to see the blonde as a fully grown mature adult. Lexa imagined Clarke over the years, but to see the 24 year old version of her love in person was almost too much. It made her sad as much as it did proud because she missed out on all the moments that brought Clarke here. Lexa only hoped she wouldn’t miss anymore.

They entered the cafe and Clarke told her to grab a table as she went to go greet Octavia. From the corner of her eye, Lexa saw Octavia’s shocked expression turn to a full blown scowl. Octavia looked ready to attack but thankfully Clarke held her back.

“Lexa?!”

Lexa turned to see the big brute of a man that is Lincoln Forest. She wanted to reach out to her old best friend as soon as she came back to town, but she knew reaching out to him would mean reaching out to Clarke. She heard awhile back that him and Octavia were engaged. So if she contacted Lincoln, news of her being back in town would eventually get back to Clarke. And she couldn’t have that. No. She needed to be the one to tell Clarke. Now she can only kick herself in the ass for waiting so long.

“Hey Lincoln.”

Lincoln ran over to her and enveloped her in a warm hug. At least one person didn’t seem to hate her.

“I can’t believe you’re here. I was starting to think you were dead Woods! How are you?”

“I’m fine Linc. It’s good to see you. You look so grown up.”

“Yeah you too Woods. You look great. You’re here with Clarke?! Is Alex here too?

“Alex? Who’s Alex?”

“Oh uh shit no one. My bad. I’m sorry.”

Lincoln was acting really strange. Who’s Alex? Maybe a boyfriend of Clarke’s? At that thought Lexa’s heart sunk. Of course Clarke had moved on. It would only make sense. She didn’t want Lincoln to feel bad for slipping up and mentioning this ‘Alex’ character though. She was the one who should be doing all the apologizing after all.

“I’m the one who should be saying sorry. I left without saying goodbye.”

Octavia and Clarke are now behind her listening to the last part of Lincoln and Lexa’s reunion.

“Seems like you’re sorry for a lot of things.”

“Octavia stop.” Lincoln gently scolds his fiancee pleading with her not to explode on the obviously distraught brunette in front of them. Lincoln was afraid that if they pushed too hard, Lexa would disappear again. And more than anything, he just wanted his best friend back.

Lincoln was in and out of the system his whole life. His mother Indra struggled with alcoholism in his early years before getting sober when he was 11. Indra worked her ass off to get back custody and now works as a social worker. Lincoln was one of the good stories to come out of the foster care system. The system is also where he met Lexa. Lincoln was a scared six year old in his first foster home when Anya fought off one of the older kids who was bullying him. Ever since then, Lincoln and Anya and Lexa were close. Even when he got out of the system the three of them were inseperable. So yeah it hurt like a bitch when they left him without a word. But Lincoln rolls with the punches and knew they would come back. He knew they must of had their reasons and boy did they.

“Okay let’s just give Lexa and Clarke some time to talk. If you want to go upstairs you can. Hardly anyone ever goes up there until the dinner rush.”

“Thanks Linc. I’ll talk to you later?”

“Of course Lexa. I want to know what you’ve been up to the last 7 years.”

“Don’t we all.” Clarke mutters under her breath. Lincoln and Octavia don’t hear it, but Lexa does. Lexa always hears Clarke.

///

Clarke and Lexa grab two coffees and make their way up stairs to the deserted section of the cafe. Thankfully, no one is up there so they can talk in private. Lexa doesn’t know where to begin. Clarke seems to have read her mind though.

“You can start by explaining why you left.”

“Okay. You know how Anya used to sell for Cage and the rest of the Mount Weather gang?”

Clarke quirked her eyebrow but nonetheless nodded, waiting for Lexa to continue to see where she was going with this. 

“Well apparently she started up again. She wanted to make some extra cash to help out with the academy, but then something went wrong. And everything went to hell.”

///

_7 years ago_

_Lexa had just left Clarke’s house after yet another Quentin Tarantino movie night. She was about to pull out of Clarke’s driveway when she got an incoming call from Anya._

_“Hey Anya. I know I’m late. I’m sorry I was at Clarke’s and -”_

_“This isn’t your sister kid._

_“Wait who is this?! Why do you have my sister’s phone?”_

_“Doesn’t matter who I am. What matters is that your sister owes us ten grand. Now you’re gonna bring down the cash tonight or else your sister’s dead and her debts will be transferred over to you anyways. No cops Lexa.”_

_The phone went dead._

///

“Oh my god. What did you do Lexa? You obviously didn’t have that kind of money.”

“I did what I had to Clarke.”

“Which was?”

“I kept my sister safe like she always kept me safe.”

///

_7 years ago_

_Lexa was pacing her apartment unsure of what to do. She already went to the bank and took out the five grand she had saved up from working as a waitress at Grounders. She took the $500 emergency cash fund that Anya hid in her sock drawer, but she was still $4,500 short. She was fucked. She couldn’t let her sister die. She knew if she just had more time she could find a way to get her hands on the cash. But she had no time._

_Maybe if she could just talk to them? No. There’s no talking to criminals but she had to try. For her sister, she had to try._

_Lexa entered the seemingly abandoned warehouse a quarter past 1 a.m. Her body went cold, the blood in her veins frozen when she saw Anya. She was beaten and battered. Much worse than anything Lexa ever witnessed while they were in the system._

_Anya had burns covering her shoulders and deep lacerations scattered across her arms with blood staining her tan skin. Her face was covered in sweat as her jaw clenched to avoid from screaming as one of the savage gangsters branded her again on the shoulder. They were torturing her._

_“GET THE FUCK OFF OF HER!”_

_Lexa tried to make her presence tough, but all she really did was piss of the brute._

_“Cage the bitch’s sister finally arrived.”_

_“Alright Emerson that’s enough with the burns.”_

_Cage Wallace strutted out of the shadows like the snake he is. His smirk instantly made Lexa feel disgusted. Like she need a shower. She felt violated as he gave her the glance over, liking what he saw._

_“Lexa Woods. Do you have what I asked?”_

_“I have a little over five grand. If you give me a few days I can get the rest I promise.”_

_“No.”_

_“Please. You only gave me two hours to come up with the money.”_

_“Anya has been a problem for quite some time. At first, she was using the product on herself. Not making enough profit. But what can you expect from a no good junkie right? It just comes with the business. But then. Then she messed up the pickup of my new shipment. I mean what idiot lets the cops intercept one of our biggest deliveries to date huh?”_

_Cage punches Anya in the face. The ring on his finger causes a deep new cut to form on the girl’s face. It takes everything in Lexa not to lunge at him._

_“So really Ms. Woods, I just wanted you to repay your sister’s debt before I killed you both. Quite frankly, the Woods have been a pain in my ass for far too long.”_

_Lexa’s family always ran deep with the Mount Weathers. Lexa’s father was one of their top dealers before he got caught selling and was sent to jail. Lexa’s father died a week later in lockup. They said it was a fight with an inmate, but what Lexa and Anya didn’t know was that it was the Mount Weathers. They didn’t want Lexa’s dad talking to the cops. So they got rid of him before he could. Lexa was only four._

_Then there was Gustus Woods. Gustus was 19 when he died. He didn’t sell for the Mount Weathers, but he certainly bought from them every chance he got. Gustus died at one of the Mount Weathers parties so they dumped him on the opposite side of town to throw off suspicion from them._

_Now there was Anya. A dealer and a user of the Mount Weathers product. And Lexa. An innocent thrown into the game just because of her last name._

_Cage pulled out a gun ready to shoot Anya when Lexa grabbed one of the torture tools Emerson was using and hit Cage straight in the temple. He hit the ground and the room went silent. Lexa’s eyes grew wide and terror took over her whole body. Her whole world slowed down as she saw the crimson red liquid pour from the gangster’s fresh head wound. She hit him so hard and in such a sensitive location. There was no way he would survive such a blow. All she wanted was to stop him from killing his sister. She didn’t mean to - she didn’t want to._

_The only other people in the room were Emerson and Anya thankfully. Emerson was frozen in shock for a moment. They didn’t bring more back up tonight because they thought this would be a simple job. Cage never thought he would be taken down by some high school kid. In fact, he was so confident that he committed the cardinal sin and turned his back on his enemy giving Lexa the perfect opportunity to strike._

_Emerson lunged forward and punched Lexa square in the jaw. The brunette fell to ground in pain as he squeezed her neck, extracting almost all of the air out of the girl’s windpipe. Lexa was starting to see black dots form. She passed out a few seconds later._

///

“Lexa I had no idea. What happened after you passed out?”

Before she could stop herself, Clarke reached out for Lexa’s hand to calm the distraught girl in front of her. Clarke had no idea what the older girl had been through. The blonde feels sick to her stomach from this information. After all this time of being angry at Lexa. Blaming her and trying so hard (but failing miserably) to hate her. Now she just feels selfish for only thinking of her feelings. For thinking that Lexa would leave her for no good reason.

“When I woke up, Anya was cleaning the warehouse of our prints. She got free of her restraints and shot Emerson before he could kill me. She said that Cage was dead when she checked his pulse. I - I killed him Clarke. I swear I didn’t mean to but he had a gun pointed at my sister. I acted out of instinct. I needed to save her. I did what I had to. I -”

Lexa stopped mid sentence as she cursed herself for crying. She promised herself she wouldn’t cry when she was explaining the story. Truthfully, the image of her blood stained hands still haunts her dreams from time to time.

Clarke knelt next to her chair and embraced the older woman in a warm desperate hug. This wasn’t a lustful or romantic touch. No. This was about comfort. This was about wordlessly telling Lexa that she was brave and strong and that no matter what she’s still here for her.

“Look at me Lexa. You’re not some cold blooded killer. You’re right. You did what you had to. You didn’t enjoy it. You didn’t want to. But shit happens. Ok? You’re ok. Shh don’t cry.”

Clarke was still pissed. Royally pissed. There were still so SO many unanswered questions. For starters, why did she wait so long to contact her? But there were still more pressing questions at hand. 

Once Lexa stopped crying and cleaned herself up a bit. They began again.

“So what happened after that?”

“Anya said that they would send people for us. She said that Cage was high up in ranking. Mount Weathers was lead by Cage’s father Dante Wallace. So killing his son and his favorite lackey definitely would put us on his list. She said there was no way of knowing if anyone else knew about their meet up with Anya and me so the best option was to run. If we stayed and they figured out it was us, they wouldn’t just kill us Clarke. They would kill anyone we were close to. So that would include you. That’s when I knew I needed to leave. It’s one thing if my life was in danger, but the second Anya said you’re life might be on the line if we stayed, I knew I had to leave. I never thought we were going to be able to come back. Anya said we couldn’t contact a soul, but when she was packing the car, I called you. It was late so I got your voicemail. And I knew that was going to be the last thing you heard me say. I cried the whole drive to Louisiana. I cried for days and weeks later until I had no more tears left. Until I was literally dehydrated.”

Clarke was speechless. If she was standing, her knees surely would have given out. Out of all the reasons she thought up of why Lexa left, she never thought it would be this dark. This twisted.

“So how are you back now? I’m assuming it’s safe now.”

Clarke wasn’t going to risk her daughter’s safety under any circumstances. If Lexa was still on some gang’s hit list, she would never let her see their daughter. Not in a million years.

“Dane Wallace died two years ago. He was an old man so it wasn’t much of a surprise. But since his heir was dead, there was a lot of fighting within the organization about who would take over the reins. The Mount Weathers weren’t as strong and as ruthless as they once were. Some even said Dante grew soft in his old age. So when there was a civil war brewing within, a rival gang the Skaikru took them out. It was a massacre. The whole gang was taken out. I’m sure you heard about it on the news.”

“Yeah I remember that happening. My mom was at the hospital for two days trying to save them but she lost everyone. She was really hard on herself.”

“After that, we knew it was safe to come back or at least contact people.”

“But you didn’t.”

“I was scared. I know that’s not a good excuse but I was scared to see you again after all these years. I didn’t want to cause you anymore unnecessary pain.”

“Don’t you see Lexa? You not coming back as soon as you could caused me unnecessary pain.”

“I’m so sorry Clarke.”

“This is a lot of information to process. I need some time.”

“Of course. I’ll wait for you Clarke. For however long it takes.”

“Lexa I’ll always be your friend. But I don’t want you waiting for me. I can’t be with you like that again. I’m sorry. I know you did what you had to and I don’t blame you. But so much has happened since I was 17. So much you know nothing about.”

It would be a lie to say that Clarke’s words didn’t hurt Lexa. I mean all things considering, Clarke was taking this very well. Lexa was shocked that she didn’t have scalding coffee thrown in her face yet. That’s when she remembered what Lincoln said downstairs. Clarke is with someone named Alex. She needed to know more details, but she didn’t want to push the younger girl. The thought of Clarke with someone new made her sad, but she understood. It had been 7 years. She couldn't expect to waltz back into the blonde's open arms.

“I understand your hesitation Clarke. I just want to be in your life in whatever way you’ll allow me. I want to get to know you again.”

“I’m still so mad Lexa. Maybe a little irrationally mad I’ll admit. But shit Lexa! This was so much easier when I thought this was all your fault. Now it’s not as simple and I have process the fact that I was wrongly blaming you for 7 years for abandoning me, for leaving me alone to rai-”

Clarke furiously shook her head, cutting off the rest of her sentence. Hopefully Lexa didn’t pick up on the last sentence, but of course she did.

“For leaving you alone to do what Clarke?”

Clarke looked up into Lexa’s big curious eyes and it instantly reminded her of her daughter’s eyes whenever she just asked her mom a question, which was often. Her daughter was a very attentive and curious girl.

“Lexa. A lot has changed since you left.”

“I know that’s why I want to -”

“No. I let you tell your story now you have to let me. No interruptions.”

“Okay.”

“When you left I was heartbroken.”

Clarke started off with a shaky voice as if she had to forcibly pull each word from mouth. Her hands were slightly shaking and she refused to make eye contact with Lexa. Lexa knew whatever she was about to say must have been big.

“I didn’t know why you left all I know was that you were gone and you said you were never coming back. I shut down for a couple weeks. Refused to leave my room. I felt like shit, emotionally and physically. I thought it was because you left, but then when the sickness wouldn’t go away I realized it was something else.”

Clarke finally glanced up at Lexa who was curious and concerned, encouraging her to continue. She obviously didn’t understand where this was going. The blonde deeply exhaled and pinched her nose before she continued. 

“I - I was. I realized that I was - I was -”

Lexa could tell Clarke was struggling to tell her something. She reached out for Clarke’s hand but the blonde instantly flinched from the touch. The rejection hit Lexa right in the heart.

“Clarke it’s okay. You can tell me anything.”

Clarke was silent for a minute, trying to figure out how to phrase this. She decided to just come out with it, to rip the band aid off.

“I was pregnant Lexa.”

Lexa’s whole world fell. Her mind was in a haze and her body felt very heavy. The blood in her veins pumped furiously, her heart beat was erratic and wild. Her heart was shattering right in her chest, she could feel it. Clearly, she wasn’t expecting to hear that.

“Did you keep - I mean what did you do?”

“If you’re asking me if I carried the baby to term, I did.”

“A baby. We - we made a baby?”

Lexa’s eyes were filled with tears again. She had a child out there somewhere. Did Clarke keep the baby? She had so many questions. Lexa didn’t know what she was feeling. Her and Clarke made a little person. This tiny human was a part of them. She felt awe and fear and anger for not being there and sadness and even a little excitement. Lexa couldn’t control the few tears that rolled down her cheek as she tried to process the new information.

“Her name is Alexandria.”

“You - you named her after.. me?”

Lexa looked up at Clarke with wide eyes. They have a girl. A girl named Alexandria. They made an actual child _together_.

“Yes.”

“Did you keep her?”

“Yes. She’s six years old. She looks exactly like you Lex.”

“Can I - do you think it would be okay if I maybe met her?”

“I wouldn’t have told her about her if I wasn’t going to let you see her. But I need you to promise me you’re not leaving again Lexa. This isn’t about us. That ship sailed a long time ago. But Alex. I refuse to let you hurt her. I know you leaving was out of your control but you still waited a year to make contact again. And that was only after I ran into Anya. I don’t trust you like I used to. I need some time. We can set up a meet up, but I need some time first to tell Alex. It’ll be her decision.”

It hurt Lexa that Clarke didn’t trust her, but what hurt her more is that she has a child she never met. She missed out on six years of her little girl’s life. When she was a kid, Lexa felt so alone. Both of her parents were dead. She never knew what it was like to have two happy parents. Her mother died in childbirth and her father died when she was 4. Lexa promised herself that if she ever had kids, she would be there for them. She would be there for their first steps, their first words, their first day of school. She would be there for every second of every day. And now she’s missed so much. Lexa wants to cry. Her heart is breaking more so than it ever has before.

“Of course Clarke. I understand, but can I see a picture of her?”

Clarke pulled out her phone to show Lexa a video of a girl with familiar emerald green eyes and chestnut brown hair. She’s beautiful. The girl was wearing a purple sundress and white sandals with her cute little toes peeking out. Alexandria, that’s her name, was laughing as Clarke tickled her and wiped off some ice cream from her face. She looked so happy. So at peace. She was perfect. There were no words to explain this indescribable feeling Lexa was experiencing. 

Lexa was watching a video of the love of her life and a daughter she never knew she had. She was an outsider looking in at a family that was so familiar but also so foreign. This was suppose to be her family. She should be in that video too. But instead, she’s a third person party. Her daughter doesn’t know her. _Her daughter._ Anger starts to bubble up in her chest. She missed out on her daughter’s whole life. Her daughter who is so beautiful and graceful. She is entranced and she’s only seen a one minute video of her. Lexa doesn’t even realize she’s full out crying until she feels Clarke’s embrace again.

“I know this is a lot to take in. It’s a little past 5 so I need to go home and cook Alex dinner. But take my number. You can text me and we will meet up again to discuss this further. You’re her mother too Lex. I have no intention of keeping her from you, but I need some time. I need to talk to Alex and I need to talk some more with you. I need to figure out what’s best for our daughter. She will always come first Lexa.”

“I understand. I’m so fucking sorry Clarke. I - I didn’t know. I would have never left. I would have found a way to stay. I - I. Fuck! I left you alone to raise our daughter. We have a daughter Clarke. And she’s so beautiful and she has my eyes and your laugh and my hair and your smile. She’s ours, but I wasn’t here. I wasn’t here and now she doesn’t know me. She doesn’t know where her eyes come from. She doesn’t know me and I don’t know her.”

Clarke might be pissed off but it still hurts her heart to see Lexa like this. Clarke has always had compassion and empathy. And she knows how much family means to Lexa. This must be breaking the poor girl’s heart apart even more so than it already was. So just for this one moment, she’s going to push aside her own feelings. She hugs Lexa until her tears stop. Clarke cups Lexa’s cheeks and looks into her deep green eyes.

“You will know her Lexa and she will know you. I promise.”

Lexa sniffles and meets Clarke’s gaze.

“Yeah?”

“Yes.”

Clarke places a soft kiss on the brunette’s forehead and grabs her purse and gets ready to leave when Lexa grabs her wrist.

“I really am sorry Clarke.”

“I know. I am too. Goodbye Lex.”

“Goodbye Clarke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you guys think??? 
> 
> Clarke and Lexa still have a lot to discuss. As much as Clarke is angry, she realizes she has to swallow it for now. Lexa, on the other hand, is very angry. At who? Cough cough perhaps her lovely sister who caused all this drama?
> 
> Again, thanks for all the comments and kudos. Ya'll are awesome.


	6. Motherland

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Abby have a little chat. Lexa breaks down. Anya finds out she has a niece.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: There are some mentions of postpartum depression. I'm not the most knowledgeable on the subject I only know what I've read online and from some friend's personal experiences, so if the brief mention does not seem accurate my apologies!
> 
> Regardless, hope you enjoy the chapter!

“Mommy! Look what I made at school!!”

Alex runs up and tackles Clarke from behind as the blonde sits on the couch taking her shoes off after a very long emotionally exhausting day. The little girl is beaming with pride over her macaroni necklace with each shell painted a different shade of blue or green.

“Ms. Andrews said to use colors that made me happy so I used blue and green like our eyes mama. Do you like it?!”

“Of course I do baby. You’re so talented. Can I try it on?”

Alex excitedly nodded her head and placed the macaroni shell string necklace around her mother’s neck. Alex might only be six years old but she could tell her mommy has been upset since that strange lady came into Auntie Raven’s office.

“Mama. Are you still sad?”

“I’m not sad love. Don’t worry about me okay? What do you want for dinner?”

Alex peered up at the ceiling and crinkled her cute little button nose as she thought in depth about what she wanted to eat. After all, for a six year old, the little things like deciding what to eat for supper was a big decision. Oh how Clarke wishes she could go back to simpler days where that was her hardest decision of the day.

“Hmm can we have granma’s ribs?”

“You know what that actually sounds perfect. Let me call _grandma_ and see if she’s free to come over for dinner. Okay?”

Alex seems to always have trouble with her 'r' sounds and she usually skips the 'd' in words, so Clarke always has to remind the little girl. Alex's little accent is just so darn cute though.

“YAY! I’m going to go tell Auntie Raven.”

Alex kissed her mom on the cheek before she sprinted into her aunt’s room. Meanwhile, Clarke took out her cell and dialed Abby’s home phone number. Alex doesn’t see her grandma as much as she did when they still lived with Abby. Once Octavia moved in with Lincoln two years ago, Raven needed a new roommate. Clarke was also itching to leave her mother’s house, so it was a perfect match. Clarke and her mother remained very close though. The blonde felt eternally indebted to her mother after the last few years. Clarke leaned heavily on her mother in the beginning when raising Alex. The first night Clarke had Alex in the house alone she was feeding her and freaked out. Clarke started crying because she thought her baby was choking. Turns out all the little doe eyed newborn needed was a good burp. 

Abby and Clarke weren’t that close when the blonde was growing up. Clarke was always closer to her father. It was a rough few months after Lexa left. First, Clarke’s first love abandons her. Then, she finds out she’s pregnant at 17. Then, her father died in a car crash a few months before Clarke gave birth. Then a few weeks after Alex was born, Abby realized Clarke was suffering from postpartum depression.

Clarke was anxious and numb and cried for hours on end. She was no longer in control of her own emotions. The blonde constantly second guessed herself. She didn’t want to leave the house because she felt ashamed. She convinced herself that she was a horrible mother. That everything she didn’t wasn’t good enough. Clarke felt broken, like she was no longer herself, like she was having an outer body experience. Abby noticed the signs because both her and Clarke’s grandmother suffered from postpartum. Abby convinced Clarke to go to counseling and slowly things got better. Five months later, Clarke felt like herself again. She was smiling again and she learned to trust her maternal instincts. The experience made Clarke and Abby grow closer. The mother and daughter now go for to lunch at least twice a week.

“Hello”

“Hi Mom”

“Sweetie everything ok?”

“Not really. Lexa is back in town. Can you come over for dinner? Alex wants your special ribs and I can’t really deal with cooking tonight.”

“Oh Clarke. I’ll be over in 30. Let me stop at the grocery store to get some ingredients.”

“Thank you Mom. Oh and don’t mention Lexa in front of Alex. I haven’t told her anything yet.”

“Of course. I’ll see you soon. Love you.”

“Love you too Mom. See you in a bit.”

///

“Honey? I’m here!”

“Granmaa!”

Alex pops up off the kitchen chair she was doing her homework at and runs into her grandma’s arms.

“Hey there sweetie.”

“Granma, mama is sad.”

Alex speaks in a hushed whisper, to make sure her mother didn’t hear her. All little Alex wants is for her mommy to be happy again.

“Is she now? How do you know?”

“I just do Granma! You have to listen to me. Make mama smile again ok?”

"Okay baby I'll try my best."

And with that Alex skips back to her homework so she can finish up before dinner.

///

“Clarke? Are you in here?”

“Just a second Mom. I’m changing.”

Clarke walks out in sweatpants and an old Polis High t shirt. Her hair is already in a messy bun and she’s taken off her makeup, leaving her face looking fresh and bare.

“How are you holding up?”

Abby closes the door to Clarke’s bedroom and sits on the edge of her daughter’s bed, urging her to follow suit.

“I don’t know. Honestly I’m all over the place right now. I just don’t know what to feel. She told me why she left Mom. And now I’m even more confused. I want to stay mad but I can’t. I feel myself forgiving her already and I know I shouldn’t. It’s just so hard because I still lo- care for her. She’s the mother of my child after all. How could I not care for her?”

“Clarke you’re too forgiving. Before anything else though, why did she leave?”

Clarke uncomfortably shifts in her seat and avoids her mother’s gaze.

“I can’t tell you the specifics but it was for a good reason. Anya got mixed up in something dangerous and pulled Lexa into it. If they stayed, they probably would have been killed. That’s all I can say Mom. Please don’t push for more details.”

Abby was slightly irritated that her daughter refused to tell her the whole story. I mean, Abby was the one who was here the whole time. She deserves to know why Lexa left her daughter and her adorable little grandbaby, but she won’t push it. Clarke and Abby’s relationship used to be very strained because Abby was too pushy and believed her opinion was always the right one. So she learned to relax a little more and trust her daughter’s choices.

“Ok ok I won’t push. Did you tell her about Alex?”

“Yeah I did.”

“And?”

“And she’s Lexa so it broke her heart when she realized she missed out on her kid’s whole existence. It was pretty emotional. We both cried. I just - seeing her again has thrown me for a loop. I don’t trust her mom. My heart is still broken, it might never heal. I don’t want to see her again. I need to though.”

“No you don’t Clarke.”

Yes I do. She’s Alexandria’s mother. I need to put my daughter’s needs above mine. Alex deserves to know both her moms. I won’t take that away from her just because I’m in pain.”

“You said they were in danger? What makes you so sure that it’s safe for them to be around Alex now?”

“The danger is no longer a problem anymore.”

“What does that even mean Clarke?”

“It means that Lexa and Anya are no longer in danger. They wouldn’t have come back if they were. And for the record, you know very well I would never let any harm come to Alex.”

“Okay sweetie I know I wasn’t accusing you.”

“Shit I know I’m sorry. I’m just really on edge right now. So much has happened in the past 24 hours.”

“Okay here’s what we are gonna do. Just relax, take a breather. I’m going to go cook Alex dinner. Open up a bottle of wine and rant to Raven some more. After dinner, I’ll check Alex’s homework and give her bath. I’ll do story time tonight too.”

“Mom you really don’t have to do all that.”

“I know I don’t have to but I want to. I used to love doing storytime when you two still lived with me. It’s been too long since I’ve snuggled up with my grandbaby.”

Abby got up and placed a kiss on her daughter’s forehead.

“Thank you Mom.”

“Don’t thank me honey, it’s what mother’s do.”

\\\\\

Lexa finally was home. After that bombshell, she’s not sure how she even got home in one piece. After Clarke left the shop, Lexa sat frozen in her sit for a good 15 minutes replaying the conversation in her head again just to make sure it was real. Once she finally got to her car she just sat and sobbed for a good 20 minutes. Lexa has never cried so much in her life. The only time she can remember being this emotional was when she first left Clarke all those years ago.

Lexa was exhausted and just wanted to crawl in her bed and cry herself to sleep. She dragged herself into her apartment and made eye contact with her sister. This wasn’t going to end well.

Anya looked at her sister and instantly flew to her side. To be blunt, Lexa looked like shit. Her eyes were red and puffy. Lexa looked like she aged ten years since she left this morning. It was like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. Anya knew this had to mean that her reunion with Clarke must have went awry. Shit.

“Lex?? Are you okay? What happened with Clarke? Here sit down and we can talk.”

“I don’t want to fucking talk Anya.”

Anya was taken back by her sister’s hostility. All throughout the years, Lexa rarely showed her emotions like this - especially anger. Anya has never seen such a storm of emotions in her sister’s eyes. It looked like Lexa was in between breaking everything in this house or just hysterically crying until she passed out from exhaustion. Either choices disturbed Anya to no end.

“Lex talk to me. Whatever happened we can fix it.”

Anya tries to envelop her sister in a hug but Lexa shoves her _hard_.

“You can fix this?! Anya you’re the one who broke this! Everything is ruined! I’ve missed out on so much. These are years I’ll never get back.”

“Lexa calm down. You and Clarke can make new memories. You both are so young, there's still so much more time for you two. Blondie will come around I promise. What happened to make you so upset?”

“What happened?! What happened dear old sister of mine is that I have a fucking daughter! And she’s gorgeous. She’s everything and I’m nothing to her. And do you want to know why? Do you want to know why I never got to meet her? DO YOU?”

Anya couldn’t feel any worse than she does right now. Her mind and body is screaming at her that she’s a fuck up. That no matter how hard she tried, she still ruined the one life she swore with all her being to protect. She’s never seen her sister so broken before, not even when she had to leave Clarke. Anya knows this is all her fault. There’s no way to fix this one. What’s done is done. Her sister missed out on the first six years of her daughter's life. To Lexa, that's unforgivable. Family is the most important thing in that girl's life. It's her anchor. It's what keeps her grounded. 

“You have a daughter… oh my god. Lex I’m sorry. Oh my god no I - I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry Le-”

Lexa slaps Anya across the face before she falls to the floor crying. Anya’s heart is breaking for the younger girl. The foster system broke Lexa but Clarke built her back up piece by piece. Anya was there as much as she could be, but Clarke was the one who showed her what true unconditional love was. Anya loved her because she was her sister. Clarke loved her because she was Lexa. Both loves so strong and incomparable. But Clarke’s love showed Lexa that love isn’t weakness. Clarke’s love opened up a part of Lexa that Anya thought withered away and died before it even had the chance to prosper. Losing that love broke Lexa. She became a shell of the person she once was. Lexa bottled up all her emotions for 7 years and now finally, the dam broke.

“You did this! You did this! Make it stop fuck make it stop. Make the pain go away please.”

Anya hugged the broken girl on the floor as she quietly whimpered and cried into her neck. Anya could feel her shirt collecting Lexa’s long overdue tears. These weren’t just the tears of not knowing her daughter. These were the tears for losing the love of her life. These were the tears of having to kill a man to save her sister. Tears for her dead brother and recovering addict sister. Tears for the parents she never knew. Tears for her childhood lost much too young. Lexa kept everything bottled in. It’s a mystery how she was able to keep all of this in for so long.

“I know Lex. I’m sorry. Shh it’s okay. I’m so sorry honey. Shh. I’m here. You’re okay. You’re okay.”

And that’s how the sisters stayed for an hour until Lexa’s cries got quieter and slower until they tapered off completely. Anya picked up her sleeping sister off the floor and carried her to her bedroom. 

The older Woods was stunned that she had a niece. That Clarke Griffin has been alone raising Lexa’s child because of her. Anya knows that Lexa is hurt. Hell, Anya is hurt. Clarke is like a sister to her. She fucked up the lives of both her sisters. She made it impossible for her little niece to grow up with two parents side by side. Growing up in the system, a lot of foster kids promise themselves that when they have a family they would do it right. They would be there every step of the way. And Lexa missed out on all of that because she was trying to save her older sister. It wasn’t Lexa’s job to protect her, it was Anya’s and she failed.

Anya knew that entering the world of drugs again was a dumb idea. But she saw how hard Lexa was working to scrape together money for the academy and an apartment of her own. She was proud of her baby sister for trying to be self sufficient. Still, she felt like she needed to help more. So when she ran into Emerson and he mentioned the Mount Weathers would welcome her back with open arms, it was too tempting of an offer. It was the worst mistake of her life. Within a month she was hooked again, wasting away. She managed to hide it this time from Lexa, Clarke, and Lincoln. Until that night.

Anya was high out of her mind when Emerson called her and told her the address of a shipment that needed to be picked up. He said that this was time sensitive and if she didn’t screw up, that Cage would give her 30% of the profit from the delivery. How could she refuse? $3,000 would go a long way for her little sister. She had to do it. She was so high though so she passed out a few minutes later. By the time she came to, it was too late. The cops already caught wind of the shipment location and busted the whole operation. Everything was ruined and it was a domino effect that affected the lives of all of her loved ones. She fucked up bad. Anya no longer could hold back her own tears. Lexa was sound asleep and no one else was around so for the first time in 15 years Anya quietly weeped. She gave herself five minutes to feel sorry for herself before she picked herself up and left for her shift at the Arker’s Pub around the corner. Tonight was going to be a long night, but then again every night is for Anya. But somehow, she keeps surviving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep. Lexa is more upset (heartbroken really) than mad. As for that slap, it was less about Anya and more Lexa just being angry at the world for the unfair circumstances. Don't worry the angst will slow down for a bit soon enough. Lexa and Alex will meet in the upcoming chapters and I'm planning on adding some cutesy moments and fluff to give the poor girls a break from all the emotions.
> 
> I'm shocked (and very happy) at all the kudos and comments so thank you for taking the time to write them :)
> 
> Also, every chapter is named after a song. Anyone know any of the songs? They're all pretty random.


	7. Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa-centric chapter. We learn about a bit more about her job and her feelings about being home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for any mistakes, my bad.
> 
> Not much happens in this chapter to be honest.
> 
> I've been getting a lot of comments asking if this is a Clexa endgame and of course it is! Don't worry all this angst will come to an end (eventually). 
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Lexa woke up the next morning groggy and exhausted. She felt hollow, like she finally released every last anxiety, fear, and resentment she’s held in for the past decade. The brunette still felt like utter and complete shit but she knew she would have to power through it since she had a shift at the fire station in two hours. 

Lexa grew up with the dream of being a cop. She wanted to protect her fellow civilians and had a strong moral code. Sometimes the image of an older Lexa in uniform was the only thing that got the small foster girl through the day. When she got a bit older though, she lost her way partying, drinking, sleeping with random girls. She got the reputation of a player. She was just a kid herself, trying to act like an adult. Trying to act like she was grown. Trying to act like she wasn't broken. Then in walked Clarke Griffin and that’s when it all started to turn around for her.

///

_10 years ago_

_“Come on Raven! O! We are going to be late for freshman orientation because your lazy asses decided to turn my alarm off.”_

_Clarke never really cared about her grades in middle school. High school is a whole new ball game for her though. If Clarke keeps her grades up, she might have a chance at Ark U’s premed summer intensive during her senior year. The blonde knows that she’s planning far ahead, but this program only invites 25 kids from the country to attend. Her mother is an alumni of the premed program, while her father attended the equally challenging engineering program. It’s actually where her parents met. Regardless, Clarke knew that if she were to ever have a chance, she needed to take her studies seriously._

_Clarke was always the popular girl in middle school that had all the boys falling over her (a concept that followed her in high school as well). She had a wide smile and enchanting charm that entranced everyone around her. Clarke was the type of person who made everyone around her feel three times better just from being in her presence. In the least self absorbed way possible, Clarke was used to everyone being fascinated by her. But what she wasn’t used to was being fascinated by someone else. She never really felt that spark. That instant connection with a person. That’s where Lexa Woods came in and shook up her whole world._

_Bellamy was suppose to be their tour guide but since the girls were late coming back from their sleepover at Clarke’s, they were assigned to a different sophomore. A sophomore named Lexa. Lexa’s reputation in high school preceded itself. Drop dead gorgeous of course (anyone with eyes could see that). Intelligent (managing a 3.9 GPA). Athletic (youngest co-captain of the soccer team ever at Polis High). But that’s not what people talked about when they said her name. No, Lexa Woods was a party girl but still an aloof enigma that nobody seemed to know personally. Her legend was passed through hushed whispers in the girls bathroom and crumbled notes in history class._

_Did you hear Lexa Woods brought three girls home with her the other night? Did you hear Lexa Woods broke all the windows in Murphy’s apartment after he pinched her ass at last week’s party? Lexa Woods this. Lexa Woods that. Sure, some of the rumors were true. But for the most part rumors were exactly that - rumors. This reputation made everyone intimidated of her though, just the way she liked it. If nobody came close to her, she had no chance of getting hurt. And for a year it worked. Nobody bothered her unless she approached them first (and usually it was only for a spare cigarette or a quick screw). That is until she met a doe eyed beautiful freshman with golden curls and piercing blue eyes that rivaled the azure blue skies after a sun shower._

_“I’m Lexa Woods and I’ll be your tour guide for the day. If you have any questions, ask them now or you’ll be the fumbling freshman who doesn’t know the cafeteria from their ass.”_

_Lexa didn't mind coming off as a bitch. It was part of her plan to avoid true human companionship. Every freshman ducked their head awkwardly at the words (shockingly even Raven and Octavia), except that gorgeous blonde who just lightly cackled and bit her lip._

_“You over there.”_

_Lexa pointed to the blonde in the middle of the crowd._

_“Me?”_

_“Yes you. I am pointing at you, aren’t I?”_

_“I suppose you are Lexa Woods.”_

_Lexa shivered at the husky vocal chords of the blonde harmonizing together as the younger girl said her name. This girl’s voice was doing things to her that she would prefer not happen while standing in a dirty oh so public crowded hallway filled to the brim with confused eager freshman._

_“What’s your name?”_

_There was a bit of awe laced in Lexa’s question. Who is this girl that manage to embed herself so deep in the brunette’s skin so fast? Lexa was positive her defenses were impenetrable, now she’s not so sure._

_“Clarke. Clarke Griffin.”_

_Clarke confidently held out her hand to the brunette who just as confidently (almost smugly even) interlocked there hands. Instantly, a flame was lit in both girls. A flame that was nurtured into a fire. And even after this long winter, it still flickers._

///

Clarke became almost like a beacon of hope for Lexa. The girls grew close in a very short amount of time and slowly Lexa’s drinking and incessant partying stopped. A year later after a heated game of truth or dare, Lexa and Clarke kissed for the first time and the rest is history.

So Lexa was back on track. She was accepted into the Polis Police Academy. Finally, her life was looking up. Then in walks the Mount Weathers and everything is ruined in the amount of time it took to swing a tire iron. Once Lexa and Anya settled down in the New Orleans, the younger Woods didn’t believe she deserved to wear the uniform. She was guilt ridden for the blood on her hands and no matter how many times Anya told her it was just self defense, she couldn’t shake the nightmares. From time to time, she still gets them to this day. Lexa didn’t want to have to lie everyday while she wore the uniform. She couldn’t tell a soul about Anya’s and hers murky past. Lexa felt like she would be disrespecting the uniform if she became a cop after everything that went down. It might have been an irrational, but for Lexa her morals were everything and now she believed them to be compromised.

For a while, Lexa was lost. She almost reverted back to her party girl self, but she knew Clarke wouldn’t approve. The mere memory of the blonde was the only thing that kept her going. A couple months later, Lexa was working as a waitress at a diner. A pretty bad grease fire consumed the kitchen and soon enough the whole diner was blistering hot and burning down from the fire's deep intensity. Lexa helped out seven patrons before the firefighters were on scene. Finally, Lexa felt something after months of being numb. She wasn’t sure if it was the adrenaline or satiating her need to help others. Either way, Lexa found her new calling and ever since that’s what she’s been doing.

Lexa reluctantly got up from her bed and got dressed for the day. She drove to the station and greeted the rest of the squad. Roan was the captain of the team, but she known as the unofficial second in command. She may have been the newest addition to the team, having just transferred to the Polis station 6 months ago, but she was nonetheless highly well respected and admired. 

Nyko, Luna, Gina, Quint, and Jackson were also on shift today. Luna and Lexa were pretty close. Luna showed Lexa the ropes when she transferred here and told her who was the station’s designated asshole (cough cough Quint). Other than the occasional spat with Quint, Lexa gets along well with all her coworkers. Sometimes they even go out to the pub around the block after work. Fraternizing with coworkers wasn’t a concept Lexa was all too familiar with. In fact, making friends at all has always been a struggle for the younger Woods, but after years of only having Anya to talk to, the girl was lonely. She missed her friends, but was too scared to reach out. Sometimes she doesn’t know why she was so scared because now it all seems so stupid. Maybe Clarke would have trusted her if she came back sooner. She can’t think like that now though. She refuses to let herself think about Clarke today. If she’s distracted with her emotions while battling a fire, it might get her killed. So she needs to stop with the self pity and despair - at least for a couple hours. God is this going to be a long day.

///

**To Clarke [3:56 P.M.]** \- Hi Clarke. It’s Lexa. I know it’s only been a day but I was wondering when we could meet up and discuss things further. No pressure but I would really like to meet our daughter. I feel like I’ve missed out on so much already.

**From Clarke [4:02 P.M.]** \- We can meet up for dinner sometime this week to discuss Alex. I plan on talking to her soon. Don’t make me regret this Lexa.

**To Clarke [4:03 P.M.]** \- Thank you so much. And I promise you won’t.

**From Clarke [4:10 P.M.]** \- Attachment 1 Image

**From Clarke [4:10 P.M.]** \- I know I showed you a video of her yesterday, but just in case you wanted a picture. I meant what I said Lexa. You will get to see her, but I’ll be there. Maybe in some time we can talk about unsupervised visits but we are nowhere near that right now.

Lexa’s heart swelled when she saw the picture. She couldn’t stop the few stray tears that fell. This is the second time she’s seen what her daughter looks like and her breath was taken away just as quickly as the first time. Alex is sleepily smiling in the photo. The girl was clad in cute green footie pajamas with her wild soft brown curls pushed over one shoulder. Judging by the video and this picture, Lexa assumes the girl is a bit of a messy eater because in this picture she has some syrup on her face (and in the video yesterday she had ice cream on her cute little cheeks). The pancakes Alex were eating were in the shape of the girl’s name and Lexa wonders if Clarke cooked them (because when Lexa knew her, it was considered a success if Clarke could make some toast without burning it). Lexa sadly smiles at the memory before replying to her ex.

**To Clarke [4:12 P.M.]** \- There are no words. She is perfect Clarke. I can’t thank you enough for being so understanding.

**From Clarke [4:15 P.M.]** \- I’m not doing this for you Lexa. I’m doing this for our daughter. 

The words still stung Lexa in the heart. She understood why Clarke was guarding her heart, but it didn’t ease the pain any less.

**From Clarke [4:15 P.M.]** \- Oh and no Anya. I don’t want her around Alex. Not until I know she’s clean and even then I’m not sure.

**To Clarke [4:17 P.M.]** \- I understand completely. 

Truth be told, Lexa didn’t want her sister around her daughter either. Lexa loves her sister and she doesn’t regret saving her life for a second but because of Anya’s mistakes, she missed out on so much. She missed out on things that she will never be able to get back. Sure, she can watch a video of Alex’s first steps. Clarke can send her pictures of their daughter until she’s blue in the face, but it’s not the same as being there. Hopefully her and Alex can form a relationship, but even if she does, it won’t stop the resentment she has for her sister. It’ll take some time to heal from these unintentional wounds her sister caused her. Logically, she knows her sister was always just looking out for her. Lexa feels more responsible and guilt than she should. After all, Anya only got into the drug business in the first place to save up to make sure Lexa had a good life. Lexa feels partly responsible for Anya’s actions, even though they were by no means her fault. Maybe someday all the misplaced guilt and very well placed anger can subside and the sisters can be okay again, but that’s a long time away if ever. Lexa is just so mad. Mad at herself. Mad at her sister. Just mad at the world really.

///

“Hey Lexa! A bunch of us are going to try out that new bar Polaris on Main Street after work. Are you in?”

“I’m not sure if I’m in the party mood today Luna. I think I’ll pass.”

“C’mon Lexa it’ll be fun. If you want to leave after a beer or two I’ll pay for the cab myself. Even Roan is coming out! When does Roan ever come out?”

Lexa subtly gritted her teeth. Lexa liked Luna _platonically_. She could tell the other girl was sporting a bit of a crush on her but it was completely one sided. And after everything that happened with Clarke, she knows she needs to work 210 percent harder to win the girl back. The brunette still loved the blonde - _the mother of her child_. Wow that still sounds so foreign on her tongue. When she texted Clarke she wasn’t expecting for the blonde to be so open to meeting so quickly. She knows Clarke is only agreeing to see her for the sake of their daughter, but Lexa will never give up on Clarke. She will wait for her even if it means waiting forever.

“Sorry Luna I have to pass. Next time though. Nyko still owes me a beer after he lost that bet last week.”

“Aw well you’ll be missed. Especially by me.”

Luna threw her a wink and went upstairs to go change and shower before heading out. God that girl can't take a hint. Lexa has let her down easy many times. Lexa doesn't mix business with pleasure especially now that Clarke's back in her life (well sorta kinda back in her life). Lexa was never the relationship type except for Clarke. She has had one night stands here and there since Clarke but they never went beyond that. Lexa refused to even entertain the idea of being emotionally intimate with someone else because she knew Clarke was it for her.

///

**From Unknown Number [7:50 P.M.]** \- Hey Lexi it’s Lincoln! I hope you don’t mind I got your number from Clarke. I really want to catch up. A lot of the old high school gang gets together once a month for drinks and dinner at the cafe after hours. We are meeting up this Saturday at 8 if you want to come.

Lexa smiled at the text. To this day, Lexa still considered Lincoln was one of her closest friends. She would love to catch up with him and the rest of the group but the high school gang included Clarke. Lexa's sure Clarke wouldn't want to be anyone near her unless absolutely necessary and exclusively for the sake of Alex. Right?

**From Linc [7:51 P.M.]** \- P.S. I already checked with Clarke and she said it’s okay if that’s what you’re worried about.

Lexa couldn’t lie and say she didn’t miss the group. Hell she even missed Murphy. She always wondered if that kid ended up in jail or the CEO of some mega corporation. Honestly with Murphy it could have gone either way. 

Lexa tried not to get to excited about Clarke saying it’s okay for her to come. Was she just saying that to be polite? Maybe Clarke missed her too? No. That’s a dangerous thought. Right now Lexa needed to focus on getting to know her daughter. In the back of her mind though, she hopes Clarke would come around. She still loves Clarke. She’ll never stop and one day she would readily pursue relationship with the blonde again if Clarke was ever willing. Their second chance. The thing is Clarke isn’t ready - at least not now. I mean she told Lexa outright many _many_ times. Lexa is stubborn though. She always has been and always will be. She will give Clarke the space she needs but she won’t leave again. Leaving was the worst mistake of her life and she won’t do it twice.

**To Linc [7:53 P.M.]** \- Hey Linc. Count me in! Should I bring anything?

**From Linc [7:54 P.M.]** \- Nope just your lovely self! I’m so excited to see you again. The rest of the gang is too :)

**To Linc [7:57 P.M.]** \- Even O?

Octavia was always more Clarke’s friend than Lexa’s. Octavia and Lexa got along well until Lexa left. Octavia and Raven were the ones to pick up their friend metaphorically and literally off the floor many many times after the brunette fled with little to no word why. They saw firsthand how much Clarke struggled with Lexa leaving, then the pregnancy, her father’s death, her depression, and the stresses of raising a child while juggling schoolwork. Clarke took it in strides though. The girl was always able to get back up again and fight even though the world kept trying to knock her down. Octavia never thought Lexa would hurt her best friend - _her sister_ \- but she couldn't have been more wrong. 

Clarke explained as best as she could why Lexa left (without giving away any details about the killing and drugs and gangs of course). Apparently Lexa had a good reason, but she still left and took her sweet ass time coming back when she finally could. Octavia wanted to rip the girl a new one but for the sake of her little niece, and Clarke, and her fiancee, she agreed to behave - _for now_ at least.

**From Linc [8:00 P.M.]** \- You know O, she’s just very protective of Clarke and Alex. Regardless of this whole shit show, everyone misses you (even Clarke although she won’t admit it). I'll see you Saturday. Love you Lex.

The brunette couldn’t help but smile. Lexa cursed herself for tearing up a bit. Lexa was never this emotional. What was wrong with her? These last few days have turned her world upside down. Everything she knew was no longer true. Lexa can’t help imagining her could be family and it creates a rift in her heart. No matter how long it takes, she will do right by her family. Clarke and Alex. She will never leave them again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah there's two Clexa run ins on the horizon: their dinner to discuss Alex and the little high school gang reunion. There will be some fluff thrown somewhere in the mix if I can squeeze it in.
> 
> I've been updating pretty quickly but life gets busy so I'm not sure if I'll be able to update everyday *cries*. I'll definitely try to update as many times a week I can because I really love writing this fic.
> 
> As always, your comments and kudos give me life :) If I could I would respond to them all, but I barely have time to write these chapters as it is haha. Just know I read them and you're all awesome.


	8. Here Comes the Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa have dinner to talk about their daughter. A person from one of their pasts makes a quick appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mistakes.
> 
> I'll try updating again soon. This week has been so hectic but I'm glad I managed to type out a quick chapter. Hope it's okay!

The night of Lexa's dinner with Clarke came fast. The brunette was nervous and waiting on the edge of her seat for the blonde to arrive. Clarke walked in and her brain turned to mush. She was wearing a white button down blouse and tight black pencil skirt that perfectly traced every curve of her well sculpted ass. Her hair was in loose curls and she had very limited makeup on, giving off a natural look. Clarke looked stunning and she wasn't even trying. Lexa had to dramatically gulp before she forced herself from her chair to greet her ex lover. For a moment, she didn't think she could even get up because she was so weak in the knees.

“Hey Clarke. Thank you for meeting with me. You look beautiful.”

“Oh that's very sweet Lexa. I’m doing this for Alex though you don’t have to thank me.”

 _So you keep saying_. Clarke needs to convince herself the only reason she’s doing this is for her daughter’s sake. The blonde can’t forgive Lexa after everything. Clarke can push aside her personal feelings for the well being of her daughter because that’s what mother’s do. But she will never allow her heart to fall into the hands of Lexa Woods again (even if secretly Clarke knows she never got it back in the first place).

“Yeah I know, but this must not be easy for you.”

“It doesn’t matter Lexa.”

“Yes. Yes it does Clarke. I want to get to know our daughter, yes. But I want to get to know you again as well.”

Before Clarke could respond to her ex’s annoyingly sincere words, the waiter came by and interrupted the much needed conversation.

“Hi welcome to Grounders. Are you two ready to order?”

“Yes. We’ll have two cheeseburgers.”

 _Well shit_.The words flew out Clarke’s mouth before she could control herself. When Lexa used to work at Grounders all those years ago, the restaurant wasn’t as fancy as it is now. The two girls would sit on the back porch on Lexa’s breaks and eat what they proclaimed to be the ‘best cheeseburgers in Polis.’

Lexa smirked. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe Clarke was still in love with her? Or maybe she was just trying to be nice for the sake of their daughter. Maybe it was just muscle memory. After all, the former couple did eat a lot of cheeseburgers here. Maybe the blonde was just wrapped up in nostalgia. That’s what it must be. _Just nostalgia_.

“Ordering for me now? I see not much has changed.”

“Oh shut up you know that’s exactly what you would have ordered. 7 years doesn’t change the fact that this place has the best burgers in Polis.”

At least one thing hasn’t changed and that's the burgers at Grounders.

After some more polite small talk, Lexa decides she needs to go deeper with Clarke. She’s never been one for light conversation. Lexa was always intense and blunt and right now it seemed as if her and Clarke were dancing around the elephant in the room, afraid one wrong word will break the dam - again.

“Soo Alexandria...”

Lexa decides to start off simple. She doesn’t want to put pressure on Clarke. Lexa desperately wants to meet their daughter, but in the same wave she refuses to rush Clarke. Lexa feels like her whole world has been thrown off its axis, but Clarke must feel the same way too. Maybe even more confused. I mean Lexa knows what she wants. Clarke and Alex. But for Clarke, this must be very confusing. There are so many complicated variables in this. Lexa will be patient for Clarke. She has to.

“Most people just call her Alex.”

“Oh okay. Alex then. Did you talk to her about me yet? I don’t want to rush you. Take your time. I don’t want to overwhelm you or her more than I already have.”

“I’m going to talk to her tomorrow if this dinner goes well.”

“In that case, how am I doing so far?”

That goddamn smirk will be the death of Clarke. Lexa has always been her kryptonite especially that smirk. Whenever Clarke would get angry at Lexa all the older girl had to do was pull out the smirk and she was putty in her hands. Lexa didn’t realize the power that she wielded back then and she still doesn’t. But Clarke does and it scares the shit out of her. Because with every smirk and loving proclamation she can feel her heart softening and she just _can't_. She just can’t let herself be taken in by the all consuming entity that is Lexa Woods.

“Not bad, but wipe that smirk off your face. We haven’t even been served our food yet. You can still mess up.”

///

“Mm fuck I’ve missed these burgers. They gave me life after a long shift here. That seems like a lifetime ago.”

Clarke smiles sadly before nodding.

“That’s because it was.”

“Clarke I’m so sorry. I never wanted to leave you, to leave us -”

“No please don’t. We aren’t talking about us. I don’t have the energy. This past week has left me completely exhausted even Alex has noticed.”

“I’m sorry Clarke. I’m so so sorry you have no idea.”

“Quite frankly Lexa, telling me you’re sorry doesn’t mean shit to me. I want to see action. This is a big deal. This is a human life we are talking about. A child. _Our_ child. And if you want to be a part of her life, I need to see what your life is like now. What your life has been like for the last couple of years. I don’t even know what you do for a living Lexa. I have to feel comfortable making room for you in Alex’s life. And most importantly, I need to know you aren’t going to break my daughter’s heart.”

The _'Like you broke mine'_ was left unsaid but still heard all the more by both girls.

“I’ll tell you everything you want to know and I’ll do anything to prove to you that I’m never leaving you two again. I promise that Clarke.”

“Your promises mean very little to me.” Clarke mutters under her breath.

“I know I hurt you Clarke, but I am trying to make it up to you and Alex. I’ll never stop trying. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”

Clarke decided to throw Lexa a bone. The older girl just looks so desperate. Besides, Clarke’s stubbornness and anger is getting them nowhere. She has to at least try to listen to Lexa for Alex. That’s what she keeps telling herself. That this is all for Alex and _not_ by any means for her. Oh how wrong she is.

“Let’s start with baby steps. Tell me about your life now. Your job, your hobbies, your friends, _significant others_ , everything that might affect Alex.”

Ok so maybe Clarke was a bit curious. Has Lexa moved on? Sure, she keeps proclaiming it was a big mistake leaving Clarke, but that doesn’t mean the brunette isn’t seeing anyone. Not that it matters because Clarke doesn’t care. She is only doing this for her daughter. If Lexa is seeing someone, sooner than later, this significant other might cross paths with Alex. That’s _definitely_ the only reason she’s asking.

“I’m a firefighter. After everything happened with uh Cage, I couldn’t see myself as an upholder of the law when the only thing I could see was the blood on my hands. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. Just imagining myself in the uniform made me sick to my stomach. So a couple years ago when there was a fire at this little diner I was working at, I helped some people out to safety. The feeling was amazing. I didn’t feel _as_ numb as I usually did. The rest is history. Been one for 4 years and it’s amazing.”

“I’m proud of you Lex.”

The nickname just fell out of Clarke’s mouth and it took both girls by surprise. Lexa’s heart swelled at the words and just for a moment, she forgot that awkward conversation was their reality and instead thought of the easy love they once shared.

“As far as friends, I mean you know I never made them easy. My coworkers are a really nice group of people though. I’d consider them my friends.”

“Well I’m glad you have some people in your corner. What about your dating life?”

Clarke tried to ask nonchalantly but she wasn’t fooling anyone.

“And how will who I’m seeing affect Alex?”

There it is. Clarke’s nostrils flare and her grasp on her water glass oh so subtly tightens. Lexa can tell the younger girl’s interest in who she’s dating is maybe a little self motivated. Lexa knows not to push it too much because she’s on thin ice with Clarke as it is. They aren’t at the stage where playful banter will be welcomed. But still, her ex’s words gives the brunette some hope that Clarke still loves her. And a little hope is all she really could ask for after some many years of despair.

“Well uh I need to make sure you don’t bring anyone around my daughter who is a bad influence. Like Anya.”

Clarke spat out her sister’s name with such venom. Lexa can’t blame her though. Anya fucked up one too many times. Anya is the reason why Clarke and Lexa are sitting so stiff and heartbroken at this table, trying desperately to pick up the pieces. Lexa can’t blame Clarke for her anger because she holds the same feelings towards her sister. Lexa and Anya haven’t seen each other since the night Lexa slapped her. Anya texted her sister a long apology and said she would be staying above the bar she works at for the time being. 

Lexa’s co worker Nyko owns the bar and lives in the apartment above it so Lexa isn’t worried about her sister. She knows Nyko will look out for her. Anya and him became fast friends when they met awhile back when Anya brought Lexa her cell phone she forgot at home to the station. Nyko mentioned how he needed a new bartender one day and Anya jumped at the job. She’s been bartending for years, which she even admits is a tad ironic. She never had problem with alcohol though. It was the drugs that got her hooked. Still, she swore off the juice a long time ago just to be safe. Lexa has seen her sister’s guilt and struggles firsthand. So she’s trying so hard to let go of her anger, but right now it’s not going anywhere. The best thing Anya could do right now is stay far away from Lexa. The brunette would surely say something she would regret if she saw her sister right now. Space is the best option for them right now.

“For the record, I'm not seeing anyone and I have no plans to be with anyone else either. And don’t worry Clarke. Anya won’t be anyone near Alex for a long time.”

The prospect of Lexa not being with anyone else sent Clarke's heart a flutter. She felt warm and cozy inside. _Shit_. That's definitely not good. Clarke chooses to ignore the information that Lexa is single because it doesn't change anything. She still broke her heart. She still left. That's what matters. That's what she has to keep reminding herself.

“Good. I know she’s your sister, but I’m just not comfortable after everything you shared with me. Not yet.”

“I understand Clarke. Truly I do. I couldn’t ask for you to be more understanding after everything I’ve put you and our daughter through. You managed to create a beautiful life for Alex and yourself. I’m so sorry I’m not a part of it, but I’m also so fucking proud of you. You’re so strong. Stronger than I ever will be.”

Lexa takes a chance and reaches for Clarke’s hand and gives a quick reassuring squeeze. Clarke flinches a tad to the touch but surprisingly doesn’t pull back. Instead both girls stare at the hands waiting for the other to make another move. Clarke desperately wants to interlock their fingers together once more. Lexa wishes she could rub soothing soft circles on the blonde’s palm. The tension in the air hits an all time high as both girls hearts beat out of their chest.

“Clarke? Clarke Griffin?!”

Their moment is cut short by the soft voice of a woman who was quickly approaching their table. Clarke withdrew her hand first leaving an ache in Lexa’s heart. The mystery woman grew closer and realization dawned on Clarke’s face. Ok, so Clarke knew this person. But who is she?

“Ontari Sanders?! Oh my god!”

Clarke got out of her seat and tightly hugged the tan gorgeous woman who opened her arms wide for the petite blonde. After a hug that was much too long for Lexa’s taste, the pair broke apart still smiling.

“Wow Clarke you look amazing as ever! The years have been kind to you. How’s Alex?”

“She’s growing up so fast. I can barely believe she’s six already. What are you doing back in the states?”

“Well one of my old friends bought Grounders a couple months ago and asked me to be his new head chef. I just flew in a week ago from London. I was actually thinking about calling you when I got settled in.”

Lexa felt a surge of jealousy hit her, threatening to drown her. Since the second this Ontari character approached them, not once had Clarke looked over to her. Hell, Clarke didn’t even introduce her. Lexa loudly clears her throat hoping for this intense display of affection to end.

“I’m sorry! How rude of me. I’m Ontari Sanders. And you are?”

“Lexa Woods.”

Ontari looks as if the name bears some meaning to her. Soon enough, a look a awareness washes over him. She looks over to Clarke as if she’s silently asking a question to which the blonde shyly nods in return.

“You’re Alex’s mother.”

It was a statement rather than a question. Lexa’s taken aback. How close was this Ontari to Clarke? I mean obviously they must have been close at one point or another in order for her to know about Lexa. Did Clarke really talk about her. What did she say?

“Yes I am.”

“Oh wow I didn’t realize you two got back together.”

Clarke cuts in at the moment and rather quickly.

“We aren’t back together.”

“Ah okay. Nice to know.”

Ontari looks a little too happy with this discovery. Lexa knows she shouldn’t be jealous, but she can’t help it. This girl was blatantly expressing interesting in Clarke right in front of her. _Her_ Clarke. Well that’s not true anymore. But it still stings. Over the years, Lexa tried not to think about Clarke dating other people. Obviously she wanted the other girl to be happy. She just wished it was with her. The brunette realizes it's a selfish thought. After all, Lexa could have had Clarke all to herself had she never left. Had she came back sooner. Lexa promised herself she would be in Clarke’s life again even if that means being just her friend. So she can’t show her jealously. It would ruin all the improvement she’s made with the blonde.

“So Ontari, how do you know Clarke?”

“Oh uh we dated a couple of years ago before I got a job in London.”

“Oh I see.”

Ouch okay. So Clarke and Ontari were a couple once. Did they date for a long time? Were they serious? Did Ontari love Clarke? Did Clarke love her? Did Clarke introduce her to their daughter? Did Alex like her? Why did they break up? Are they going to get back together now that they miraculously reunited? Lexa had so many questions she knew she had no right to the answers to.

An awkward silence filled the air. Ever since Ontari started speaking to Lexa, Clarke had fixed her eyes on the ground. Ontari was here. And Lexa was here. Why do all her ex lovers keep popping up out of the woodwork?! Next thing you know Niylah and Bellamy are going to walk through the doors of Grounders. Seeing Lexa was confusing enough. Why did fate have to throw Ontari into the mix?

After Lexa, Clarke didn’t date for a very long time. It wasn’t until Alex was three that she finally let Raven drag her for a girls night out while Abby watched her toddler. That’s when she met Niylah. Niylah was a sweet girl. She was in pharmacy school, studying to take over her father’s business. They met at a bar and spent the night together. It was the first person Clarke had sex with other than Lexa. When Clarke got home the next morning, she cried in her bathroom for two hours because it was in that moment she realized she needed to move on from the green eyed beauty. It was in that moment that she realized Lexa would never come back.

Clarke never saw Niylah after that night, but she was an important stepping stone in the blonde’s life. A couple months later, Clarke met Ontari. Ontari Sanders was a fresh out of culinary school ambitious chef. They met in line at the grocery store when Alex spilled her juice all over the other girl's shoes. Clarke was mortified but Ontari was so easygoing and relaxed. Alex started to cry and Ontari made a funny face and cracked a few jokes to soothe the then toddler. Clarke was done for. They started dating after that and for awhile it was perfect. It took six months for Clarke to formally introduce Ontari to her daughter. It took another three months to tell her the story of Lexa Woods. Through all this time, Clarke never said ‘I love you,’ Even if she felt it, she never said it. Because at the end of the day, Lexa Woods stole her heart and never gave it back.

After another five months of dating, Ontari was offered the job of a lifetime in London. A few years working at a world renowned restaurant and her career would be made. She asked Clarke to move with her. To start a new life with her daughter and Ontari in London. And for all of five minutes, Clarke actually considered it. Then she realized she would be running away just like Lexa did. So she turned Ontari down with a passionate night goodbye filled with tears and and a whispered ‘May we meet again.’ She didn’t really believe the words when she said them, but now here she is right in front of her.

“It’s great to see you again Ontari.”

Clarke meant these words as a goodbye. Her life was too confusing to add another ex to the mix. No thank you.

“You too Clarke. It’s always nice to see you. We should catch up soon. I’ll give you a call.”

Before Clarke could respond, Ontari winked at the blonde and turned to Lexa extending her hand for a polite handshake.

“It was nice to meet you Lexa.”

And with that Ontari retreated back into the kitchen, leaving a mess of emotions in her wake. Clarke sat back down in her seat and stared at her water glass as if it was the most interesting thing around.

“So you and Ontari dated?”

“Yeah a couple years ago. Can we talk about something else?”

“Of course Clarke.”

Even though Lexa wanted answers, the older girl figured she should drop it before Clarke felt even more uncomfortable. Besides, Lexa knew she wasn’t entitled to ask question about her ex’s dating life when she was the one who left in the first place.

The waiter comes by with the check and Lexa takes the bill. Clarke tries to pay but Lexa refuses and says it’s on her. The duo leaves the restaurant talking politely about safe topics like the weather and a new television series that just aired last week. And for a moment, everything between them seemed okay. As if this light conversation they were sharing wasn’t tinged with sadness and years lost. For a moment, they were just Clarke and Lexa. But that moment came and went much too soon.

“I’m glad we did this Lex.”

“Me too Clarke. You have no idea how good it is to see you, to talk to you again.”

“I - I feel the same way… but you’re not off the hook you know.”

“I know. I don’t deserve your forgiveness Clarke. Not yet. I know it’s going to be a long road but I’m going to be here from now on. I’ll be there for Alex… and if you let me, for you too.”

Every time Lexa speaks Clarke feels her heart slowly opening up again for the first time in 7 years and it’s a very dangerous feeling. She still doesn’t trust Lexa and her words are empty for now, but oh how badly Clarke wants to believe her.

“Just focus on being there for Alex. She needs both her moms in her life. She’s been asking about her ‘other mommy’ lately. I think she’ll be excited to meet you.”

Lexa felt an overflow of tears threatening to stain her cheeks yet again. Her daughter was asking about her, her ‘other mommy.’ Her daughter must be so confused and it's all her (and of course Anya's) fault.

“I hope I’m everything she’s hoping for.”

It kills Clarke to see Lexa in pain. The blonde moves closer to Lexa and pulls her in for a comforting hug.

“You’ll be more.”

“How can you be sure?”

Lexa’s words are just above a whisper. Her deepest fear is that her daughter will reject her, hate her for abandoning them. She would have every right too. She hopes she’s not too late. Lexa hopes that Alex will open up to her and let her in. Lexa is so afraid she’s too late though.

“Because you’re Lexa Woods. You’ve never realized the effect you have on people. She will love you I promise that. Besides, our daughter is like a mini you. You will get along perfectly. Don’t worry.”

“Thank you Clarke. You keep offering me comfort when I don’t deserve it.”

“Let me decide what you do and don’t deserve from me. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Goodnight Lexa. I’ll see you at Lincoln’s little get together, right?”

“Yeah I’ll be there. Goodnight Clarke.”

When Lexa was walking to her car she couldn’t help the smile that formed on her face. Maybe there was a little room in her heart for some hope. Some hope that one day her family could be whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So do you think there's hope for these two? Also, Ontari will be brought up again soon so watch out for that and some more jealous Lexa.
> 
> Thank you for the comments and kudos again! I think I'm going to try my best to start responding to comments here and there when I have the time as well so if you have any questions or opinions on the fic that you wanna throw out there, I'll try and answer :)


	9. Make You Feel My Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke talks to Alex. The old high school crew catches up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My bad in advance for any mistakes.

Clarke got home from Grounders and was overcome by her emotions. The last week has really done a number on her mentally. Seeing Lexa again drained her but brought her back to life at the same time. Alex is the only reason she's smiling lately. Her little girl is her lifeline.

“Mama! You’re home!!”

“Yes I am sweetie!”

With her arms wide and flailing, Alex ran over to the blonde who knelt down to intercept the younger girl’s tight hug. Alex was wearing her favorite pair of purple “jamjams” and her hair wild. She missed her mommy lately. She seemed very sad. Even when she smiled, Alex could tell something was off. So Alex decided to make her mama smile whenever she could.

“I waited up for yous. Pwease can yous read me a story?!”

“Of course. Where’s your Auntie Raven?”

“Shh she’s hiding.”

“Why is she hiding?”

Clarke chucked as her daughter looked around the room suspiciously and whispered in a low voice.

“We are playing hide and seek and I cants find her.”

“So you just gave up and let her hide for all this time?”

Alex mischievously smiled and furiously nodded, emitting the cutest giggle Clarke has ever heard. How could Clarke ever keep this little bundle of joy from Lexa? No matter Lexa’s mistakes, keeping Alex from her would be a bigger one. Clarke decides she will pick up Alex from school tomorrow and talk to the little girl about Lexa then.

“Alright I’ll tell you what. You go find Auntie Raven and I’ll go change into my pjs. Then I’ll come tuck you in and read you any story you’d like. How does that sound baby?”

“Okay!! I wove [love] you mommy.”

“I love you too my little princess.”

///

Clarke got off just in time to pick up Alex from school. The blonde was nervously waiting outside her daughter’s elementary school. This was the day she was going to tell her daughter about Lexa, her mom. She knew Alex was at the age when she was starting to ask questions about family dynamics. Clarke decided she would just rip the bandaid off.

“BOO! Haha I got you mommy.”

Clarke was startled from her thoughts. Her daughter snuck up behind her and smiled triumphantly at successfully scaring her mom. The blonde scooped up Alex in her arms and relentlessly tickled the girl until she admitted defeat.

“Alright baby girl let’s go home I have something to talk to you about.”

“Did you buy me a puppy?!”

Alex squealed and excitedly jumped around at the prospect of a new furry K9 best friend.

“Nothing like that honey. Come on the quicker we get home, the sooner you find out.”

Alex took her mom’s hand and began to tug her down the street until they got home. Alex loved surprises. Last time her mommy told her they had something to talk about she asked her if she would be okay if they moved in with their Auntie Raven. Alex loves her Auntie Raven (especially when she sneaks her ice cream). 

Alex took off her shoes and plopped on the couch looking up expectantly at her mom to start talking. Clarke sat down next to her daughter and smiled sadly. She cupped her baby’s cheeks and looked into those green eyes and saw only Lexa for a minute. She was finally going to tell her daughter about her other mom. Clarke always assumed that the one day she sat down and told her daughter about her other mom she would have to explain Lexa’s permanent absence. Now the whole ordeal has a hopeful ending because her daughter will actually be able to meet Lexa. 

“So Auntie Raven has mentioned to me that you’ve been asking about your other mommy?”

“Jasper said that everyone always has two parents. But I only have one.”

Alex looked down at her pink socks sadly. She loves her mommy more than anything but she’s still so confused. Where is her other mommy or daddy? Why were they hiding from her?

“I will always be your mommy Alexandria. But you have another mommy too.”

“Another mommy?!”

Alex squealed and clapped her hands excitedly. This is definitely better than a dog.

“Yes honey. She had to go away for a very long time, but now she’s back. Her name is Alexandria, but Lexa for short.”

“That's my name too mama!”

“You’re so smart. I named you after her. I know this is a lot to take in. Do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”

Alex scrunched up her cute little button nose and pondered her feelings about having another mommy. She always thought Raven was her other mommy or maybe Bellamy was her daddy. But now her mom was telling Alex that she had another mommy with the same name as her. Alex was confused but excited. She wants to meet her mommy. She doesn’t understand where she went though. Why did she leave her?

“Why did she go away?”

“Well uh some very bad guys were not very nice to her so she had to go. She never would have left us if she had a choice baby.”

Alex is quiet for a moment and Clarke holds her breath. The blonde will respect whatever her daughter wants, but a part of her hopes Alex accepts Lexa as her other mother. She knows Lexa would be an amazing mom if given a second chance. She knows that if Alex rejects Lexa it would break both Lexa and her hearts. Clarke doesn't know why she still feels so overprotective of her ex, but she does.

“Can I meet her mommy?”

“Are you sure you want to?”

“She’s my mommy too right?”

“Yes she is.”

“Then I really wanna met her.”

“Okay baby then I’ll set it up.”

Clarke is rubbing her daughter's back as they're all cuddled up on the couch. The talk went surprisingly well. After a long silence, Alex finally speaks again with a soft smile on her face.

“Hey mama?”

“Yes?”

“Do I look like her?”

Alex’s tone was so hopeful and almost like a whisper.

“You look exactly like her.”

“Really?!”

“You’ll be able to see for yourself soon.”

“This is so cool. I have another mommy!! I can’t wait to tell Jasper.”

“I’m glad you’re happy.”

“Are you happy too?”

The question took Clarke aback. Her daughter was so observant. Clarke could never get anything past the 5 year old.

“Of course I am. I’m happy if you’re happy Alex.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

Clarke wrapped her arms around her sweet little daughter and breathed in her lavender no tears shampoo scent from the top of her head. Alex was so resilient and loving. Clarke just dropped a bomb on her and the five year old was flashing a wide toothy smile. Alex is so excited. Lexa is so excited. Maybe Clarke can afford being a little excited too. 

///

**From Linc [7:00 P.M.]** \- So excited to see you tonight Lex!

**From Linc [8:16 P.M.]** \- Hey. You on your way?

Lexa grabs her phone from the table and reads the messages from Lincoln. Her shift at the station lasted longer than she hoped when she got caught in a particularly dangerous fire. A local high school was having a dance when a fire broke out. A few kids were trapped in the gym. Luckily, her and Luna were able to sneak through a small window opening and get the kids to safety. Between all the chaos of the day plus the nerves of seeing all her old friends again, boy does she need a drink.

**To Linc [8:20 P.M.]** \- Yup sorry I got caught up at work.

**From Linc [8:21 P.M.]** \- No worries :) See ya soon.

///

Lexa arrived at the cafe shortly after she sent that text to Lincoln. It seems as if lately, Lexa was constantly consumed by nerves. Nervous that Clarke hates her. Nervous that her daughter would hate her too. Nervous. Nervous. Nervous. But today was suppose to be fun right? Surely Lincoln wouldn’t invite her over for an angry interrogation with all her old high school friends. Lincoln would never do that. Besides, he looked genuinely happy to see the brunette at the cafe the other day. Truth be told, Lexa missed her friends a lot. This could be her chance to get in everyone’s good graces again.

“Holy shit the ghost of Lexa Woods has graced us with her presence.”

Lexa heard a voice from behind approaching the door of the cafe as well. She instantly recognized it as Murphy. John Murphy was an odd addition to the high school group. At first, he was Bellamy’s asshole best friend who had anger issues and a dirty mouth with no filter whatsoever. Lexa thought him to be crass. On more than one occasion the brunette had punched him in the face during high school. 

Then Emori came around. They met when he got picked up by the cops for a drunken disorderly after a particularly wild house party at the Blakes. She was also at the station after getting caught stealing. Both were trouble alone but they managed to bring the best out in each other. After that, Murphy calmed down and became much less of an asshole. By the time Clarke and Lexa started dating he was a surprisingly welcomed addition to their little group. That doesn’t mean he was no longer a smart ass. One thing is for sure, John Murphy would always be a smart ass.

“Hey Murphy. It’s been a long time.”

“You don’t say. I heard you were coming tonight. It’s nice to see you Woods.”

Wow Murphy was actually acting like a decent human. Maybe adulthood suits him a tad better than his reckless adolescence.

“Yeah it’s good to see you too.”

“So are we gonna walk in or stare at the door some more?”

Okay so Murphy was still his normal snarky self. Lexa appreciated the consistency. It gave her hope that not too much has changed with the group since she left.

///

Clarke peeled the wrapper off her beer as she nervously waited for Lexa to arrive. She already warned the group not to bombard Lexa with a million and one questions on why she left. Clarke knew how touchy of a subject that was for both of them and more than anything the blonde wanted to enjoy tonight. It’s very rare that she actually goes out without her daughter and she’s in desperate need of a night out. Alex is having a sleepover at Abby’s so she can indulge in a couple beers. After the week the blonde has had, a couple drinks wouldn’t hurt either. Besides, a nice buzz might even calm the butterflies in her stomach.

Lexa hesitantly walks in scanning the room sparsely crowded with familiar faces she once knew well. The cafe looks different at night. The lighting is a little more intimate and the tables are filled with delicious smelling foods and varied alcoholic drinks. Clarke is situated at a center table intently peeling at her beer bottle wrapper as Octavia and Bellamy prattle on over something assumingly unimportant next to her. The blonde looks amazing as always. Her cheeks are flushed from the alcohol she’s consumed but she still holds the grace and composure she always manages to carry with her. She’s wearing a brown button down that only has a few buttons actually buttoned, revealing a beige revealing tank top which perfectly accentuates her gracious breasts. Lexa has to refrain from visibly gulping at the sight of her. 

“Hey Lex!!”

Lincoln captures Lexa in a big bear hug. Once they separate, the tatted man goofily grins at his long lost best friend. 

“Hey Linc. Thanks for inviting me.”

“Of course. Tonight should be a lot of fun. Dinner is still cooking but help yourself to some appetizers and drinks. Almost everyone is here except Emori. She’s running late from work I think.”

“Oh okay great. Are Murphy and Emori still together?”

“Yeah they actually got married a few years back. A few of us took a trip to Vegas awhile back and they eloped.”

“Oh wow that’s insane. Good for them.”

Lexa briefly looked around the room and saw two unfamiliar faces, one sitting next to Miller the other next to Monty. Lexa subtly lowered her voice and whispered to Lincoln.

“Hey who are those two guys next to Monty and Miller?”

“Oh that’s Byran and Sterling. Sterling is Monty’s fiancee. And Miller and Bryan just got back from their honeymoon a few weeks back.”

Lexa’s eyes widen and her mouth forms an ‘o’ shape. Last time she saw Monty and Miller they were happily in love. What happened in the past few years? Apparently a lot.

“What happened to Monty and Miller?”

“Oh they broke up a couple months after Monty went to Ark U. The distance was too much. They stayed friends though. Actually Bryan introduce Monty to Sterling at a block party we had a couple years ago.”

“I see a lot has changed.”

“Yeah I guess so. I still feel like I’m in high school though.”

“Except all of you are all married or about to be.”

Lexa’s finally feeling relaxed if not slightly overwhelmed with all the new information when Octavia has to of course come barging into the conversation ruining the good vibe.

“Yeah well that could have been you too if you didn’t run away from Clarke and your daughter.”

Ouch. That one hurt. As if Lexa didn’t realize that this could have been her life for the past 7 years. She could have been going to hundreds of these reunions with Clarke by her side. Believe me, Lexa knows this whole little dream could have been hers. She doesn’t need everyone reminding her every minute about something she can’t change now. Still though, Lexa swallows her anger because she’s really just mad at herself. At the end of the day, Octavia is just trying to be a good (very very) protective friend.

“Octavia stop. Today is suppose to be fun.”

Clarke cuts into the conversation just in time before Octavia sinks her teeth in deeper. The blonde knows her best friend is just looking out for her but she just wants to have some fun with the old crew. Lexa was a part of them and these reunions always seemed a little sad and empty without her. So now she’s here and for the night Clarke wants to forget that Lexa is her ex who left without a word. She wants to forget all the messy feelings and just reunite with all of her friends that watched her grow up. Is that so much to ask?

“I’ll call a cease fire for now. You’re off the hook for the time being Woods. Enjoy it.”

Octavia stomped off to grab and drink and catch up with Murphy and Emori. Lexa turned to look at Clarke who was already looking at her with an easy smile.

“Sorry about Octavia. She’s just worries about me.”

“It’s okay Clarke. I get it.”

There was a moment where the two girls didn’t have anything to say. The last few times they saw each other it was so filled with intense emotions and deep talks. This was a lighthearted relaxed group hangout meant to be fun. Clarke didn’t know how to act around her ex and neither did Lexa.

“So do you want a drink?”

“Yeah sure.”

“Do you still drink whiskey sours?”

“They are still my preferred drink yes.”

Clarke bit her lower lip to hold back her radiant smile. Lexa felt her heart sped up to see the smile directed at her, the first genuine smile Clarke has gifted her with since high school. Lexa felt all warm and fuzzy instead and the alcohol hasn’t even hit her tongue yet.

“One whiskey sour coming up then.”

“Thanks Clarke.”

“So I just wanted to let you know that I talked to Alex.”

Lexa’s heart stopped. Clarke talked to Alex. Oh my god. This is the make or break moment. Alex could have said no and although Lexa would understand, it would shatter her heart. Lexa just stared dumbfounded at Clarke, holding in her breath, until Clarke starting speaking again.

“She is very excited to meet you.”

The brunette let out the breath she didn’t realize she was holding and a choked sob. Without thinking she reached out and held onto Clarke resting her head on her shoulder. The blonde was tense out of sheer surprise before falling into the embrace. The two girls hugged for a few more seconds before Murphy called out.

“Hey ten minutes into the party and Woods and Griffin are back at it again. It wouldn’t be a party if those two didn’t get some action in!”

“Oh shut it Murphy.”

Clarke playfully barked out as Lexa’s cheeks grew red.

“I’m sorry Clarke. I shouldn’t have hugged you like that. I - I was just so happy that Alex actually wanted to meet me.”

“It’s okay to be excited Lex. We better get back to the group but we can figure out a time and date later.”

Lexa nodded as Clarke started to walk to the party she gently grabbed Clarke’s wrist.

“Clarke wait. Just I uh wanted to thank you for all of this again. I know I can’t expect your forgiveness and I know you’re only doing this for our daughter, but still thank you so much. You’re just so selfless. I mean I know you must hate being in my presence but you’re still here. This means the world to me.”

“Lexa you made a succession of mistakes towards me, but never once did you _intentionally_ hurt me or our daughter. You just fucked up a lot. I don’t forgive you but I could never hate you. So don’t you dare ever say that again. Now let’s go have some fun.”

Clarke smiled and went to go refresh her drink as Lexa tried to calm her heartbeat before wandering into the party to mingle with long lost but found again friends.

///

The group sat around at a big round table at the center as soon as Lincoln finished cooking. Lexa was seated in between Monty and Lincoln. Thank god not Octavia. Raven and Octavia have been icey to her the whole night, not outwardly mean but whenever she looked in their direction their faces carried their emotions. Octavia pointedly glared at her. Whereas, Raven just looked at her disappointedly occasional shaking her head.

“So Lexa you’re a firefighter now?”

Miller started off the conversation to help fill in the lull of conversation. Lexa internally reminds herself to thank that sweet boy for not asking the obvious “Why did you leave?” question.

“Yeah it’s amazing and extremely satisfying. I love it.”

“That’s great! I couldn’t deal with all that heat everyday. What station are you at?”

“Station 20 on Garner Boulevard.”

“Oh that’s the same block as my work! We should grab lunch sometime.”

“Yeah I’d like that. Where do you work?”

“I’m a social worker.”

“Wow that’s amazing. Good for you Miller. That’s an admirable job. The system is tough and the kids need all the support they can get.”

“There’s so much tragedy in the system. It’s a difficult job emotionally, but so worth it. I can tell I’m making a difference in individual lives.”

“I’m sure the kids love you.”

“Yeah most of them do. We actually are considering getting a foster license.”

Miller clasps his hands with his husband Bryan, who leans over and places a chaste kiss on his cheek.

"Aw that's incredible. Congratulations you two."

The conversation flowed easily after that. The group ate and drank and drank some more. Every now and then Lexa would allow herself to look over at Clarke. The blonde was smiling throughout the night, laughing and joking around with old friends. Lexa felt at peace for the first time in a long time. It felt like a first step in the right direction.

“Clarke, don’t forget Alex has to be at practice tomorrow at 5. I have to be back to help Octavia with inventory by 8.”

“Yeah sure thing Linc. Thanks for taking up the coaching position this year. I’m swamped at the hospital.”

“No problem you know I love that little bug.”

Lexa was naturally curious about her daughter’s life so when she heard Clarke and Lincoln talking about the little girl, she couldn’t help but interject.

“Practice?”

“She’s a natural at soccer. Forward is her favorite just like you.”

“She plays soccer?!”

Clarke smiles at Lexa’s obvious excitement over their daughter and her’s mutual interest in the sport. Clarke wasn’t kidding when she said Alex was Lexa’s mini me. Alex loves art like Clarke, but other than that she’s all Lexa. She loves soccer and has been begging her mom to let her start taking karate too. Alex is fiercely protective of her family. She’s a little ball of fire. It’s amazing because she never met Lexa. The small green eyed girl wasn’t raised by Lexa and yet, she retained the older brunette's whole personality.

“Yes. Maybe you can come to her next game.”

“Wait really???”

“Yeah. You’d actually be doing me a favor. I’ve never been the best at any and all sports. She’ll be happy to have someone there who knows a bit more about soccer.”

“I - I um yes. Of course yes. I’d love to go.”

“Good. I’ll text you the details.”

Lexa was beaming and trying to contain her nerves and excitement. She was finally going to meet her daughter. Her body was almost shaking from the overwhelming love and elation buzzing through her veins. She felt a little dizzy. This is going to happen. Oh god she couldn’t be happier if she tried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided that these girls needed a break from all the angst so hopefully this was a nice little dose of fluff because there is still a storm of angst coming their way!
> 
> I have a shit ton of work to do before I go to a music festival this weekend so I might not be able to update until late Monday ;( If I have time I'll try to squeeze a chapter in before then.
> 
> Thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	10. What Am I to You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa visits Nyko's bar and runs into some people she'd rather avoid at the moment. Clarke and Lexa text a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crazy busy weekend but I managed to write out a quick chapter so here ya go. Enjoy!
> 
> Apologies in advance for mistakes I wrote this out fast and I don't have time to reread and check.

Lexa had been in a great mood ever since her little reunion with the high school crew. It was great to see everyone again after so many years apart. So much has changed. Miller and Monty are married - _and not to each other_. Murphy and Emori eloped. Lincoln and Octavia are engaged. Raven is... well she’s still Raven. And then there's of course Clarke. Clarke has grown into an amazing mature woman just like Lexa always knew she would. 

And now there’s Alex too. Everything is finally falling into place again. The brunette knows Clarke isn’t ready to open her heart to her again. She knows Clarke might never be ready, but she’ll wait. Lexa has always known Clarke was the one for her but now she worries that she might no longer be the one for Clarke. But that’s beside the point for now. No for now all she can think about is her impending meet up with the little adorable and oh so lovable Alex. Lexa stares at the pictures and videos Clarke sent her of their daughter multiple times a day.

The firefighter just finished up a hard long three day shift at the station. Lexa just wanted to veg out on the couch for a few hours but Nyko asked her to swing by the bar to drop off his spare set of keys he left at the station the other day. Lexa has successfully avoided the bar for the past week or so after her blowout fight with Anya. Her older sister has given her the space that she desperately needs to figure out her emotions. Part of Lexa knows that missing out on Alex’s first 7 years is partially her fault. But another part of her continually reminds her that Anya was the one who put her in this tragic position in the first place. Lexa loves her sister and knows in her heart that she was just trying to do right by Lexa the only way she knew how, but still. Anya fucked up and Lexa fucked up because of it like a sick domino effect. It’s a tough pill to swallow.

“Lexa!! Long time no see. Did you finally stop by for those drinks I owe you?”

Luna winks and quickly stands up to envelop the brunette in a much too long hug. Lexa pats her on the back and side hugs her before removing herself from the tight embrace. Luna is a sweet girl but Lexa doesn’t do work romances. Lexa doesn’t do romance period. Not since Clarke.

“I saw you yesterday Luna. I’m just dropping off Nyko’s keys he forgot at the station.”

Luna pouts and gives her best puppy dog eyes.

“Aw well you should really stay for a drink or two to relax. You seem so stiff lately. You know you should really try to relieve some of that tension.”

The intentional double meaning of Luna's words was not lost on Lexa. Wow this girl is shameless. Lexa really enjoys Luna’s company _except_ when she’s drunk, which she apparently is now judging by the obvious slurring of her words. When Luna drinks, the girl gets very handsy and touchy feely. Two months ago after a long shift, a few of the firefighter’s went out for a few drinks. A few drinks turned into a shit ton of drinks and next thing you know Luna is sitting on Lexa’s lap pressing slobbery kisses on Lexa’s neck. Lexa gently pushed her off and brought her home. When they got to Luna’s apartment, the girl took off her dress in one fail swoop and propositioned Lexa. Lexa’s human after all and Luna’s body is built so she couldn't help but stare for a good long minute. The brunette couldn’t help the throbbing she felt in her now tight pants. After collecting her jaw off the floor, Lexa got Luna some water and left the apartment.

Luna was mortified the next morning by her actions. She told Lexa she never does that sort of thing, she’s a relationship type of gal. That comment about ‘relationships’ made Lexa confident of her decision to leave the apartment that night before anything could happen. Lexa doesn’t do relationships. Lexa is all in for a mind blowing one night stand or the occasional two night stand, but that’s it. The longest time she was with someone other than Clarke was this girl Mercedes. Mercedes was a waitress at the diner she used to work at before she became a firefighter. Mercedes and her had a friends with benefits type relationship without much of the friendship. Really, they just called one another when they were lonely and in need of a good screw. They didn't talk. They just had lots and lots of sex. That continued for about three months before Mercedes wanted something more from Lexa, something Lexa could never give. Their three month sex-a-thon fucked up working at the diner too. It was really awkward whenever they had shifts together after that. So yeah she doesn’t do anything unprofessional with her coworkers anymore. Beside the first moment she laid eyes on Clarke after all these years, she decided to wait. No more one night stands. They were just a coping mechanism. Something to do when she was lonely and sad and in need of release that wasn't drowning herself in a bottle of tequila. Lexa never though she would see the blonde again but now that she has she won't screw up any little chance she may or may not have. Lexa couldn't afford to make another mistake and she knew it.

“Sorry I would but I’m exhausted. I’m just going to go upstairs and drop this off to Nyko.”

“Okay okay. But next time I won’t let you go so easily.”

Luna lazily smirked, her eyes glazed over in a mixture of alcohol and lust. Lexa cautiously moved away from the drunk girl and went upstairs to see Nyko. Lexa was nervous that she would run into Anya. I mean the girl lives here for the time being and is a bartender downstairs. It’s totally plausible that she might run into her older sister, but so far she’s had good luck. Not for long though. 

“Lexa?..”

Lexa gulped. Her sister looked worn and exhausted, donning heavy bags under her eyes. Lexa hadn’t slept much in the last three days and she still looked better than Anya.

“I’m just dropping off Nyko’s keys.”

Anya’s face fell and she solemnly nodded, refusing to look Lexa in the eyes.

“Oh okay. I’ll get out of your way. I’m sorry I know you don’t want to see me now.”

Anya started to hurry out of the room. She told Lexa she would give her space and that’s exactly what she would give her. Anya felt immense guilt for fucking up Lexa’s life. She made her innocent little sister take a human life to protect her. Anya is the older sister; she’s supposed to be the protector and she failed. She failed and now Lexa is broken. All Lexa ever wanted was a family. Anya knew Lexa loved her but the younger brunette deserved more and that’s what Clarke was. Clarke was a beacon of hope that made Lexa believe in love. And together they made a beautiful little girl. Together they made a family and Anya is the reason that her younger sister’s chance at the one thing she’s always wanted so desperately is now tainted. Anya couldn’t feel worse if she tried. The only reason she’s still sober is because she doesn’t want to cause her sister anymore unnecessary pain. 

“Wait Anya. I - I’m still so mad, but it’s not all on you. It’s on me too. But I’m trying to make everything okay. I’m trying to forgive myself but before I can do that I need to try and forgive you too.”

“Lexa it’s not your fault. I’m the one who dragged you down into my dark world of drugs and gangs. I’m the one who tore you away from the love of your life and your unborn child. I’m the one -”

“I know what you’ve done Anya, you don’t need to remind me. I don't forgive you yet either. I'm not sure if I ever will completely. But I’m also the one who took a year to reach out to Clarke. I’m the one was a coward for too long. So yeah some of this is on me too. I just need some more time to breathe and cope with everything. I’m meeting my daughter soon. I need to focus on that for now.”

“Clarke is letting you see her?”

“Yes. Clarke is being very understanding. I just can’t fuck up again.”

“You won’t.”

Lexa looks unsure. The younger brunette is mad at her sister but she still loves her and remembers all the times Anya would soothe her. Anya was always the only person (besides Clarke of course) that Lexa could go to for comfort and reassurances.

“How can you be sure?”

“Because you’ve wanted a family more than anything. And I promise I won’t put you in a position where you have to choose between your sister or Clarke and your daughter again.”

“You’re right about that. You can’t -”

Lexa swallows. This is going to be hard to say even though it’s what both her and Clarke need right now.

“Anya you can’t be anywhere near my daughter. Not right now. It’s just I know you’re clean and you’re not involved in anything illegal but -”

“But Clarke doesn't. I understand.”

“It’s not just that. I don’t want you around Alex at first either.”

“Oh.”

Anya’s heart sort of deflated at that. It’s understandable but it still hurts like a bitch.

“It’s just I need to get to know her and I’m still so mad at you. And I need to be 100 percent okay with you before I let you in her life. I’m sorry I have to go this is too much. Tell Nyko I dropped his keys off.”

Lexa was shaking. Anya took a risk and grabbed the younger girl’s trembling hands which fiddled with her coworker’s keys. Anya tried to soothe the girl as she titled Lexa’s chin up to look in her eyes.

“It’s okay Lexa. You need to take care of yourself and your family. Don’t feel bad for being angry at me. It’s been a long time coming to be honest. You never got mad that I ruined your life. It’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to resent me. I’ll be waiting here when you want to talk. And before you protest, Nyko said I could start paying rent. I’m going to move in here officially at the end of the week.”

“Anya you don’t have to do that.”

“We’ve lived together for long enough Lex. You need space and so do I. I lost sight of who I am. Now that I think about it, I never really knew who I was except your sister. Go fight for your family. I’ll be here when you need me.”

“I don’t know what to say. I’m so confused Anya.”

“I know Lexa. Just walk away. Okay?”

“Okay.”

Lexa walked away with sadness and anger permeating through her body the whole car ride home. By the time she got to her apartment, she was physically drained and emotionally exhausted. She just want to sleep and then she heard her phone buzz. At this rate, she would never sleep.

 **From Clarke [10:07 PM]** \- Hey Lexa. Sorry for texting you so late. Alex has a game in two days. It’s a Randall’s Park at 6pm. If you could make it, it would mean the world to her.

Lexa was so used to her heart rate speeding up at the mention of her daughter’s name, she didn’t even realize it anymore. She grabbed her phone and answered quickly and eagerly.

 **To Clarke [10:08 PM]** \- I will be there. I’m really excited to meet her. Should I bring anything?

Lexa wasn’t really sure what to do or how to act. I mean Lexa played soccer once she got to high school, but before that she only played alone or with Anya on the public park’s soccer fields when they were empty. Lexa was a foster kid and couldn’t afford all the soccer gear and registration fees. In high school though, her coach realized her potential and found a way to waive all the fees.

Should she bring snacks? Do the parents usually bring the kid snacks?! Oh god what if she brings the wrong type of snack. Is Alex allergic to anything?? Maybe she’s gluten free or lactose intolerant. At this point, Lexa was freaking out to say the least. What if she kills the poor kid with from a peanut butter allergy?! Maybe she should invest in an epipen. You know, just to be safe. Ok calm down Lexa. Breathe. You got this. Stop overreacting and acting crazy. 

**To Clarke [10:10 PM]** \- So um is Alex allergic to anything? Lactose intolerant? Gluten free perhaps? What about peanuts or peanut butter?? I heard that's a common allergy amongst kids.

At that moment Clarke is sitting in her living room watching some post apocalyptic TV show with Raven, staring at her phone confused as fuck but amused nonetheless. Why was Lexa asking if their daughter was gluten free? Clarke giggled. Yes, she actually giggled. Clarke Griffin hasn’t giggled in god knows how long (7 years 32 days 19 hours and 56 seconds to be exact but who’s counting). Clarke could tell Lexa was nervous that she would fuck up instantly. Clarke found it endearing despite her best efforts to remain aloof towards her ex.

 **From Clarke [10:13 PM]** \- Okay first of all, breathe. Second, our daughter can and will eat anything (sound like anyone you know?). So don’t worry. And you don't have to bring anything. I was thinking after if Alex wants we can go for ice cream. Does that work for you?

Lexa was grinning from ear to ear. Of course that was more than okay with her.

 **To Clarke [10:13 PM]** \- Of course!!!

 **From Clarke [10:14 PM]** \- Are you more excited about the ice cream or our daughter? :)

Did Lexa read that right? No. Lexa shakes her head furiously. No Clarke did not send her a smiley face.. did she? Clarke is actually joking around with her. Lexa's heart swelled at the words " _our daughter_. For a minute, it feels like the old Clarke and Lexa conversations filled with playful banter.

 **To Clarke [10:15 PM]** \- Would it be bad if I said both?

 **From Clarke [10:19 PM]** \- Some things never change do they? Seems like your sugar obsession is still perfectly intact.

 **To Clarke [10:19 PM]** \- Well ya know taste buds don’t change.

 **From Clarke [10:20 PM]** \- Actually they do. If you want to get scientific, about 10,000 taste bud cells regenerate every few weeks or so.

God Lexa used to love when Clarke would talk science to her. Clarke’s brain was the biggest turn on for Lexa (well except for Clarke in a sports bra and tight workout shorts of course). Clarke was right though. Some things never do change and the things Clarke’s sexy science talk does to Lexa certainly hasn’t.

 **To Clarke [10:21 PM]** \- You always knew your science Griffin.

 **From Clarke [10:22 PM]** \- Being well versed in human anatomy is pretty vital to my job.

Lexa is surprised at the conversation turn. Is Clarke flirting with her? No. That’s impossible. Lexa is just projecting her hopes into her consciousness. Because Clarke wouldn’t actually flirt with her. Not now. Not yet. Right?

 **From Clarke [10:23 PM]** \- It’s late and I have a twelve hour shift starting in 7 hours. Goodnight Lexa. See you in two days.

 **To Clarke [10:23 PM]** \- It was nice talking to you Clarke. Thank you again for inviting me to Alex’s game. I can’t wait. Reshop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I know you all want the Alex and Lexa meet up and trust me it's coming. Next chapter actually! So yay that wait is almost over.


	11. All I Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa meets her and Clarke's adorable little girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter but I'm finally posting so yay! Sorry for any mistakes.

Lexa was freaking out. Her knees feel weak as she approaches the soccer field. Most of the parents already have set up their lawn chairs while the kids warm up for the game on the field. Lexa stands on the sideline awkwardly for a moment searching the crowd for a certain blonde. She spots Clarke talking to Lincoln on the coach’s bench, laughing while they both stare at one of the little girls on the field. Number 19. Lexa can only see her back but she already knows this number 19 is her Alex, her daughter. 

The girl has her hair done up in a intricate braid just like Lexa used to wear in high school. Nostalgia hits the older brunette. Did Clarke braid their daughter’s hair like that for her? The thought warms her heart just a bit before her anxiety of the impending meet up with Alex consumes her yet again.

Lexa cautiously makes her way over to Lincoln and Clarke, her eyes never leaving Alex. Her daughter has yet to turn around and face her so she hasn’t gotten a good look at the girl’s face. Alex is wearing the cutest pink soccer socks with bright purple shin guards peeking out at the top. Her cleats are classic black and white and coated with strands of grass sticking to the shoes with dry mud serving as a sort of pasty glue. Judging by the girl’s stance, she’s the one who’s in charge. Just like Lexa once was, Alex is the kid on the soccer field that her teammates refer to. And for a six year old, Alex has a hell of a lot of skill and natural talent. 

Lexa is so caught up in watching Alex that she walks straight into Lincoln. 

“Oh! Ow I’m sorry Linc.”

Lincoln looks over his shoulder to follow Lexa’s awe stricken gaze directed at Alex and then looks back to his old best friend and just chuckles.

“It’s quite alright Lex. The game is going to start soon. Clarke usually stays over here on the coach’s bench with me. You can join us if you’d like.”

Lexa looks over to Clarke to make sure it’s alright with the blonde. Clarke softly smiles and nods.

“Okay yeah sure. That sounds good. Thanks.”

“No problem. I’ll be right back.”

Lexa hesitantly walks over to Clarke and sits rather close to her. In times of great stress or nervousness, Lexa always sought comfort in Clarke’s embrace. Years may have passed and situations may have changed, but just feeling the heat off of Clarke’s body instantly puts Lexa a little more at ease. Instinctively, Clarke reassuringly places her hand on Lexa’s knee which is nervously bouncing up and down. Blue meets green.

“Lexa. Try and relax. Alex is very excited to meet you. You have nothing to worry about.”

“I know. I’m just so worried she’ll hate me.”

“She won’t. Now let's watch our girl practice a bit, okay?”

Did Clarke just call her our girl? Lexa’s head is spinning with emotions.

“Okay. Yeah you're right.”

Alex turns around and pumps her fist in the air after successfully shooting in a practice goal. She finally turns around and Lexa’s breath catches in her throat. Her heart beat is going so damn fast. Lexa sees her little girl’s face for the first time and everything in the world makes sense. Every strife, every struggle she’s been through was worth it just to see her daughter’s toothy smile. Just to see her evergreen eyes sparkle with excitement from scoring a goal. 

Soon enough the game starts and all the girls get in their positions. Alex was all laughing and giggles during practice but at the first blow of the referee's whistle her face turns stoic as she sprints down the field with the ball. Alex weaves in and out of the opposing team's midfielders and defenders. This girl meant business and Lexa was entranced. The game wasn’t too long because the boys and girls on the team were 4 - 6 years old and lost interest fast, but not Alex. Lexa could really tell that Alex enjoyed the sport and that excited the older brunette. At least now she knew she had something in common with the girl. Clarke said Alex was like her mini me but it’s one thing from hearing it second hand and an entirely different thing seeing it with her own eyes.

The game ended about a half hour later with Alex shooting the last goal. It was a pretty sweet goal too considering how far away she was from the goal post. Alex squealed and jumped around as all her teammates ran to hug her and squeal right along with her. Lexa couldn’t help but feel pride bubbling in her chest for their baby girl. Speaking of their girl, she is now running towards them. This beautiful creature that her and the love of her life created is barreling towards them at full speed. This was the moment she’s been waiting for. The moment she’s been mentally preparing for. All the things she planned to say escape the depths of her mind but somehow Lexa knows it’ll be okay because she’s already given all of her heart to number 19 of the Floukru girls soccer team.

"MAMA DID YOU SEE MY GOAL?!"

Clarke got on her knees preparing for her daughter's hug as Alex excitedly ran off the field and into her mother's arms.

"I did baby! You did so well. I'm so proud of you."

After a few seconds. Alex looked up with her big green eyes and locked gazes with Lexa. Lexa's heart felt like it was bursting out of her chest. She felt dizzy. Alex looked exactly like her. From the big expressive green eyes to the brown frizzy braided hair. Alex had Clarke's infectious smile though and her signature beauty mark above her upper lip. Alex was gorgeous and athletic and kind and all Lexa and Clarke.

Alex looked back and forth between her mommy and this mysterious brunette woman. Is this her other mommy?! She looks exactly like her just like her mama said! The six year old lowered her voice and whispered loud enough that both Clarke and Lexa could hear.

“Mama, is that my other mommy?”

Lexa had to fight every bone in her body not to wrap the little girl up in her arms. Alex was so precious. Lexa struggled to keep back the tears and let out a choked sob before clasping her hand over her mouth to silence herself.

Clarke looked over her shoulder at Lexa. The poor woman was struggling to keep it together, that much was obvious.

“Yes Alex it is. We talked about this remember?”

Alex nodded her head furiously and moved out of her mother’s embrace to approach Lexa. It was like looking in a mirror at a childlike version of herself. Alex had a wide grin on as she held out her small soft little hands for a hug. A hug. Her daughter actually wanted to hug her. She was gone for the girl’s whole life and yet she still wants to hug Lexa. She’s smiling and clearly excited to meet her ‘other mommy.’ The affectionate nature of the girl warmed Lexa’s heart and dissipated her nerves.

Lexa leaned down to return the hug. It was quick but perfect. Alex fit in her arms like a glove. Lexa felt a tinge of regret that she didn’t have the chance to cradle a baby Alex in her arms, but that’s gone as soon as her daughter says her first words to her.

“I’m Alex. My mommy says yous is my other mommy. Is that true?”

“Yes I am. Is that okay with you?”

“Mhm! Mommy said I looked like you!! Do you think so too?”

“I think you look exactly like me. You’re perfect Alex.”

“Mommy says perfect doesn’t exist.”

“That’s very true. You’re the closest thing to perfect then. How does that sound?”

Alex giggles and nods. Green eyes meet green for the second time ever. Alex whispers as if her words are selected carefully only for Lexa to hear.

“I always wanted to meet my other mommy. I’m glad it’s you.”

“I uh - me too. I’m really happy to meet you Alex. I’m sorry it took me so long.”

Lexa can’t hold back the tears this time as they fall freely from her eyes. Alex frowns for a moment. Why is her other mommy crying? Did she say something wrong? Alex turns to her blonde mommy for an explanation. Clarke always answers her questions.

“Mama why is she crying?”

“Sweetie she’s just really happy. How about we go out for ice cream after the game? Lexa loves ice cream.”

“You do?! Me too! My favorite flavor is the green one. Mama what’s it called again?”

Clarke has a glint of amusement in her eyes as she looks over to Lexa and answers their daughter’s question.

“Pistachio baby.”

“Yeah my faworites is pistachio baby.”

Both the adults heartily laugh as their daughter’s brow furrows and jaw clenches just as Lexa’s does when she’s pouting.

“Why are you laughing at me mommies?”

Lexa’s laughter soon turns to a gasp. Alex is really referring to her as her mom. She knows she doesn’t deserve this type of affection from her daughter so quickly but she can’t help but relish in the title.

“I’m sorry honey. Your favorite flavor is pistachio not pistachio baby.”

“Oh.”

Alex’s cheeks turn red as she burrows her head into Clarke’s stomach in an effort to hid away from her embarrassment. Clarke soothes her by gently playing with her hair and surprisingly on instinct Lexa crouches down to be eye level with their daughter.

“Hey hey it’s okay. You know that’s my favorite flavor too? It seems we have a lot in common.”

Alex turns to her and the little pout displayed on the six year old’s trembling lips turns into a bright smile. Lexa did that. Lexa was able to get her little girl to smile. The look on her daughter’s face meant everything in that moment.

“Really?!?”

“Always has been. Looks like you got your taste in ice cream from me. Your mama likes frozen yogurt.”

Lexa playfully makes a disgusted face at the prospect of frozen yogurt. Clarke mocks offense bringing her hand to her chest but in those blue eyes there was adoration and more importantly respect for the brunette for comforting her daughter. Their daughter. Clarke felt like she wasn’t in control of her own body in the moment. She felt warm and cozy and _at home_. Her life with Alex was always amazing. Her daughter was her world and she never thought she could feel more happy, but this oh so simple moment with Alex and Lexa made her heart race and put her at ease at the same time. This was her home and she never wanted to leave again.

Clarke smiled at the two and softly spoke, afraid to shatter this picture perfect moment.

"C'mon let's go get some ice cream."

Alex grabbed Clarke's hand in hers and looked up at Lexa expectantly. Alex raised up her soft cute little hand and wiggled her fingers at Lexa, gesturing for her other mommy to take her hand. So the three of them walked to the ice cream shop around the corner all connected to each other, hand in hand. And that was all they need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's a short little chapter completely void of angst! There will be a lot of fluff ahead between Lexa, Alex, and even Clarke. But there will be angst ahead too so yeah sorry for that haha.
> 
> My life has gotten so busy as of late but I'm hoping I can get back to updating every other day or so sooner rather than later. Enjoy. And thanks in advance for the comments and kudos :)


	12. Made to Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa, Clarke, and Alex spend some more time together! Yay for some more fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes. Thanks for reading!

The ice cream shop wasn’t that far of a walk but Alex managed to talk a million miles a minute, so a lot of information was being relayed to Lexa. Lexa learned that Alex’s favorite color is purple. The 6 year old loves sugar, a trait Clarke blames wholeheartedly on Lexa. Alex is very observant like Lexa. She picks up on the emotions of others around her very easily. She’s a natural leader just like Clarke and Lexa. Alex’s best friend is named Jasper and he’s the one who initially made her curious about her other mommy. Alex loves soccer and also does karate… just like Lexa. 

From what Lexa can gather, this girl is so much like her it’s scary. I mean is a love for soccer and pistachio ice cream genetic? Surely not, but Alex still inherited it from the older brunette. She even got Lexa’s cute little pouty face when she’s sad and her signature jaw clench when she’s annoyed. So many of Alex’s mannerisms resemble her own, Lexa can’t help but think about how hard this all must have been for Clarke. Lexa left and even if she had a damn good reason, Clarke didn’t know that reason for 7 years. She raised their daughter for 6 years alone. Their daughter was so much Lexa too. It was like someone cloned Lexa in kid form. Clarke had to live everyday looking into the beautiful green eyes of her daughter surely must have also seen the ghost of the woman who abandoned her. The thought sent shivers up Lexa’s spine. 

“So mama said I couldn’t get a puppy. What do you think mommy?”

Lexa looked down at Alex who was wearing now wearing a mischievous grin she knew too well. The older brunette chuckled shaking her head and looking quite amused at Clarke. Clarke just huffed a bit and laughed at how quick Alex was to use this other mommy thing to her advantage. Alex was a little sweetie but she definitely had Lexa’s boldness and rebel streak in her.

“Well I think whatever your mama says is always right.”

Alex huffed a little before Clarke mumbled an ‘I told you so’ and the 6 year old playfully stuck her tongue out at her blonde mother.

“Look mommies, we’re here!”

“I see that bug. Let’s go in.”

The three of them go into the cute old fashioned ice cream shop and Alex runs up to the glass display of ice creams and gets on her tippy toes to look at all the flavors even though she already knows what she wants.

“Alex baby don’t press your face on the glass. There are germs.”

Clarke takes out a wet cloth and wipes Alex’s face which is now scrunched up as she giggles at how silly her mom is being. Lexa just smirks. She can see the nurse in Clarke coming out. Lexa has seen many versions of Clarke. Kind Clarke. Horny Clarke (a lot of that one). Grumpy Clarke. You name it. But she’s never seen mama bear Clarke until now and it’s so damn cute. She didn’t think she could fall any harder for the blonde but fate has proved her wrong yet again. Seeing Clarke in action as a cute little overprotective mother of their child has to be one of her favorite versions of her ex. Well I mean horny Clarke is another one of her favorite too because c’mon who are we kidding? Clarke’s curves have only gotten better with age. Ok mind out of the gutter Lexa. Focus. Focus.

“Lexa?”

Clarke looks over at Lexa trying so hard to look annoyed but instead settles on snapping her fingers and smirking. Shit. How long was I staring at Clarke’s curves? She definitely noticed.

“Sorry what did you say? I spaced out for a minute.”

“Yeah I could tell. I asked if you wanted pistachio?”

“Oh um yeah pistachio with -”

“Extra rainbow sprinkles. How could I forget your ice cream order Woods? Besides Alex gets the same thing. Right sweetie?”

“Yeah!”

Clarke goes up to get the ice cream and insists on paying. Lexa knows how stubborn Clarke is so she doesn’t fight her on it but she makes a mental note to slip a $20 in the younger girl’s purse later. Alex runs up to Lexa and hugs her leg before her and Lexa go to save a table.

"Mommy! I think we are lots alike."

Hearing Alex say mommy will still take some getting used to. That girl was playing with her heartstrings, creating the most beautiful of harmonies. Lexa wanted to cry. This was all she ever wanted. A family with Clarke and now she has just that. It took much too long to get here and there were way too many bumps but she’s here. And her daughter is so sweet and innocent and too forgiving. Lexa knows she shouldn’t be accepted this easily. She knows she should have to work for it more. But her daughter is so loving. It reminds her of Clarke. Clarke always wore her heart on her sleeve. She had the biggest most compassionate heart. She still does. Lexa is grateful that Alex didn’t take just after her. Alex has Clarke’s innate goodness and she couldn’t be more thankful of that.

“Seems like we are. I think you’re a lot like your mama too.”

“You think?!”

“I do.”

“Mama is really smart like Auntie Raven. Do you think I’m smart too? Mama is teaching me to reads but I don’t know how yet.”

“You’re very smart Alex I can tell. I can help you read too if you want.”

“Really?!”

“Of course. As long as it's okay with your mama.”

“Can you come to read bedtime stories with mama tonight?”

“Oh uh I’m not sure if -”

“Two pistachios and one yummy frozen yogurt coming up!”

Clarke cuts in with three sweet treats at just the right time. Lexa would love to come read to her daughter but she doesn’t know if Clarke will want that. Lexa doesn’t want to overstep when she’s already so lucky for the time she’s been given with Alex.

“Thanks mama!”

“Thank you Clarke.”

“You’re both very welcome. What did I miss?”

“I asked mommy to come read bedtime stories with you tonight. Can she? Pretty please mama.”

Lexa feels awkward right now. She doesn’t want to overstep boundaries and push at Clarke’s comfort zone. She also has no idea what to say because she doesn’t want to disappoint Alex. The girl is just so precious and hopeful.

Clarke looks hesitant. Probably because she is. She knows how much this means to Lexa. She knows how much this means to Alex. Surely she can suffer through reading bedtimes with her ex. Right? She doesn’t want Lexa to think she’s getting off the hook so easily but she can see how much Alex has grown attached to her over the last few hours. In all honesty, Clarke is surprised how quick Alex took to Lexa. 

Alex is outgoing just like Clarke but she’s very selective with who she truly opens to, just like Lexa. So the fact that Alex is already calling Lexa her mommy is endearing but also worries Clarke a bit. How can she be so sure Lexa won’t leave again? The fact is that she doesn’t know for sure. She believes Lexa won’t leave again but a part of her is still burned badly by her ex. She doesn’t want Alex to be in the crossfires. She wants Alex to have two happy mothers so that means letting Lexa in her life. The blonde is scared though that letting Lexa in her life will also inevitably mean letting her back in her heart. And she can’t do that. No. Last time she did that, it broke her. It took her too long to get where she is now. No matter how much her heart screams out for Lexa and her body yearns for her touch, her head will always win. Head over heart. That’s how it has to be.

“Sure baby. She can come if she wants.”

Clarke offers Lexa a soft smile and reassuring nod and Lexa radiantly smiles back. She has to promise herself not to get too excited. Clarke is just doing this for Alex. This has nothing to do with their relationship or lack thereof. Being this close to Clarke has been amazing though. Even if it’s just the occasional playful banter or reassuring touch, it’s so much more than Lexa thinks she deserves and so much more than she thought she would ever receive from the blonde again.

After watching Alex messily eat her ice cream and scream “bwain fweeze” really loud twice, the three of them were ready to go. Alex talked the most out of the group. She was so happy to have another mommy that Clarke had to tell her on many occasions to breathe and relax before she got too excited again. Lexa was always more of a listener anyways so it worked out well. Alex would talk faster than any 6 year old should be able to and with her slight lisp, it made some of her stories a little difficult to understand especially for someone not used to being around kids. Lexa took it in strides though. She made Alex giggle like the adorable little schoolgirl she is. By the end of the night, Alex was beaming up at her mother with a similar adoration she only shows to her close family. Is it too soon to say Lexa has become an important part of her life? Alex certainly doesn’t think so.

Alex holds both of their hands as they walk to their cars still in the soccer field’s parking lot. It’s nighttime by now and the excitement of the day is clearly wearing Alex down as the girl lets out the absolute cutest of yawns. Her eyes are a little droopy as she lazily smiles up at her mommies. Lexa volunteers to buckle Alex in and quickly becomes overwhelmed with all the buckles and locks. Alex laughs in her face and Lexa awkwardly bends into the car to get a closer look at the car seat. It takes her a few minutes of freaking out and mumbling to herself to figure it out and once she does she’s so nervous she did it wrong that she makes Clarke double check her work. How could Clarke not find that to be the cutest thing ever? Lexa seems proud of her accomplishment and skips to her car like an idiot after getting directions to Clarke’s apartment.

Lexa parks in front of the apartment building and walks up to apartment 21. She knocks on the door hoping she didn’t get here before Clarke and Lexa. It seems she did when Raven opens the door in an old Polis U hoodie with a confused look on her face.

“What are you doing here Woods? If you’re looking for Clarke, she isn’t here.”

“No I know. I was just with them. I spent the day bonding with Alex and she wanted me to come read her a bedtime story with Clarke so here I am.”

Lexa awkwardly stands in the doorway, nervously smiling as she tucks her hair behind her ear. Reyes narrows her eyes, looking Lexa up and down as if to find a reason not to let her in before finally relenting and moving out of the way for the green eyed girl to enter.

Lexa timidly looks around the tidy cozy apartment that just screams Clarke and Raven. She can tell Clarke decorated because if it were up to Raven, all the mechanic would need is a fridge full of food and a very sturdy bed. There’s a pink soccer ball in the corner of the room and a few stray toys strewn throughout the living room. Raven goes to get another beer and offers Lexa one, which she politely refuses. 

The green eyed girl looks at the pictures on the wall. One is presumably from Raven’s college graduation. Clarke is carrying a toddler Alex who has a pacifier in her mouth and Octavia is sticking her middle finger up in typical Blake fashion. Another one is of their high school graduation. Younger versions Clarke, Octavia, and Raven are smiling at the camera but Clarke’s smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes. Something isn’t right with the girl in the picture but she can’t put her finger on what. There’s a lot of pictures of a baby Alex and Clarke. One at Disney World. Alex has minnie mouse ears on with her face painted and Clarke is wearing a princess tiara. Another one is a newborn Alex and a awe stricken Clarke staring down at small bundle in her arms. The emotions are hitting Lexa at full force. It’s too much for her. She can feel the tears pushing their way to the surface. Fuck. 

“Are you okay Woods?”

“Oh uh ye - yeah.. I’m okay.”

“No you’re not.”

“What? No I’m really okay Raven.”

“I call bullshit Woods. You’re looking at all these photos of Clarke and your daughter and you’re not in any of them. You weren’t there.”

“Don’t you think I know that Raven? I fucked up..” Lexa weakly mumbles as she desperately wipes the tears from her face, trying so hard to will herself to stop crying. With her jaw clenching, Lexa looks up at the ceiling to try and ground herself… It doesn’t work.

“No Lexa, you’re misunderstanding me. I’m not trying to call you out. I know this must be really hard for you. You forget that I knew you once too. I know how important your family is to you. Look what I’m trying to say is that you may have missed out on a lot but you’re here now. Thats gotta count for something right?”

Lexa quietly nods, now staring at Raven who isn’t looking at her with disappointment anymore but instead with soft eyes filled to the brim with understanding. Raven grabs a napkin and wordlessly gives it to Lexa so she can fix her makeup before Clarke and Alex get home.

“Thank you Raven. I am really trying to make things right.”

“I know you are and that’s why I’m not giving you shit. I don’t know why you left but I know Clarke wouldn’t have let you back in her and Alex’s life unless you had a hell of a reason. So as far as I’m concerned, I support you getting to know your daughter. It’ll be good for the kid. She’s been asking a lot of questions lately.”

“I know. She’s perfect. I hope I’m not too late..”

“You’re not Lexa. Alex is a forgiving soul. Clarke is too. And that’s what truly worries me. I think it’s great you’re stepping up as Alexandria’s mother but I hope you’re careful.”

“Careful? I’m not sure I understand.”

“I mean.. just don’t break my best friend’s heart again. Clarke might be fighting it now but she will eventually forgive you. I can see this all playing out. And if things don’t work out between you two… well that will break her. You didn’t see her last time she lost you Lexa. It was devastating to watch, I can’t even begin to imagine how it felt to actually experience it.”

“I have no intention of breaking her heart again Raven. I’ll do anything in my power to prove that to you and to prove that to her. If I ever had a second chance, there wouldn’t be one minute where she wouldn’t feel loved and wanted. I would shower her with affection and support. I may have left Polis but my heart never left her. You have to believe that.”

“I do. That’s why I’m not telling you to stay away from her, I‘m just telling you to be careful with her heart.”

At that moment, Clarke came in carrying a sleeping Alex. It looks like the day surely did take its toll on the girl. Lexa loved seeing this peaceful quiet little side of her daughter who was bursting at the seams with energy all day. Clarke smiled brightly at Lexa before pointing with her head at Alex’s bedroom, signaling for Lexa to follow her into the room. The room was neat, presumably thanks to Clarke’s habit of cleaning when stressed or nervous. Lexa undid the covers and Clarke gently laid Alex into the bed. To a stranger's eye, it would have looked as if the duo had been putting Alex to bed together for years. 

Alex’s face briefly scrunched up and her hands mindlessly went searching for her plush raccoon stuffed animal which she then clutched onto with her tiny fingers creating a deathlock grip on the toy. Lexa stared in awe at their daughter for a few minutes alongside Clarke. And for a minute there was a look shared between her and the blonde. An indescribable look. Lexa wasn’t sure what the intense gaze meant but she could have sworn Clarke had briefly glanced at her lips. A few seconds later, once the two women realized just how close they were Clarke cleared her throat and created some space. The blonde led Lexa out into the living room where Raven had already cleared out of, opting to give the exes some space to talk.

“Sorry you came all this way. It’s so hard to get her to bed though so when she fell asleep in the car I didn’t have it in me to wake her up.”

“It’s really okay Clarke. Today was amazing. I can’t thank you enough for letting me see her and for raising our little girl to be such an independent extraordinary person.”

“Yeah she is pretty great huh? She’s a lot like you Lex in so many ways.”

“I know, but I saw a lot of you in her too.”

“You think?”

“I know. She has a kind old soul like you. And she speaks her mind and she doesn’t apologize for who she is. She’s just so you Clarke.”

“You got all that from a few hours?”

“Yes. I fell in love with her before I even met her.”

“You’re going to be a great mother to her Lex. I can tell. You were so good with her today. She doesn’t usually open up to people so quickly.”

“Really?”

“Yeah you’re special.”

Lexa smiles and shakes her head at the idea.

“No I’m really not.”

“Oh shutup up with your modesty. You’ve always been one of those people who just shine a little brighter than the rest of the crowd. Maybe I’m partial because I’m Alex’s mother, but I like to think she’s like that too.”

“She is.”

Lexa and Clarke lock eyes again. The two girls are standing in the middle of the blonde’s living room, both internally wondering what the other will do next. Finally after the gaze became too much for the blonde, Clarke spoke up.

“Alex will probably bug me until we plan another meetup. There’s this new amusement park that Alex has been wanting to try out. Me and Raven are taking her there this weekend. You’re welcome to come if you don’t already have plans.”

“Yes! I would love that. You know how much I love roller coasters.”

Ironically enough, both girls feel as if the have been on a never ending roller coaster of emotions lately.

“Alex as well. Although she’s only six years old, so no upside down ones for her yet.”

Lexa playfully pouts and jokingly whines at Clarke.

“But those are my favorites.”

“Oh shush you big baby, I’ll go on one with you if you promise not to whine about the long lines like you used to.”

“You drive a tough bargain Griffin. Deal.”

“Okay great I’ll text you the details.”

After a few more minutes of planning out the weekend and some more playful (dare Lexa say flirty?) banter, the older brunette decides not to impose on Clarke any further and leaves after a quick warm goodbye hug from her ex. God today was just filled with so many emotions. Her daughter is perfect. Clarke is perfect. Today was a good day for the Woods-Griffin family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff fluff fluff. That's all I really have to say about this chapter lmao. 
> 
> Thanks again for comments and kudos. Y'all are the best.


	13. You've Got a Friend In Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Octavia discuss Lexa and the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mistakes!

_7 years ago_

_It was Octavia’s turn to take on Clarke duty. Ever since Lexa left leaving only a much too short voicemail in her wake, Clarke has been a mess. It pained the younger Blake to see her blonde best friend in so much pain. The first few days Clarke was confused and in denial. Actually everyone was. Lexa was in love with Clarke. Head over heels in love. They didn’t call her Commander Heart Eyes for nothing. There love was one for the books. Lexa wouldn’t just abandon Clarke like that. Would she? To a stranger’s eye, Lexa was intimidating as hell but to their group, she was all sweet and gooey. She was _the biggest_ romantic sap any of them have ever met. She would take Clarke out on weekly dates and planned a monthly romantic rendezvous. Everyone envied Clarke and Lexa's relationship. What happened to make the girl get up and leave everything she's ever known and wanted behind?_

_After the denial passed, Clarke was determined to find the older brunette. She was pissed. How could Lexa leave her like that? No forwarding address? It didn’t make sense. Lexa put a down payment on the apartment they were going to share in a year’s time. The day before Lexa disappeared, the two girls spent the day making love and watching movies. It didn’t make sense. Clarke quickly went from pissed to worried. What if something bad happened to her love? She went to the police but since Lexa and Anya were over 18 and Lexa left Clarke that voicemail telling her she was leaving, the cops didn’t do shit. So Clarke was out of options. She enlisted the tech whizzes of the group Raven and Monty to help her trace Lexa’s phone as a last ditch effort. Days on days end, Clarke was holed up with Raven and Monty trying to find her girlfriend but eventually the blonde realized Lexa didn’t want to be found. She was defeated and more importantly, broken._

_So here Octavia was trying to cheer up her best friend to no avail. For the past three weeks Clarke has barely left her room. She’s barely eaten or slept. The poor girl is making herself sick. If Lexa ever comes back to town, Octavia swears she will make her pay for leaving Clarke in shambles. Lexa was suppose to be their friend, their family and she just left with little to no word. Lincoln is heartbroken too. He seems all tough but his girlfriend sees right through the facade. Just like Clarke, the tall brooding boy wears his heart on his sleeve. Lexa has broken the two hearts of two of the people she holds most dear in her life and that’s definitely not going to fly for Octavia Blake. Not at all._

///

“Hey Clarkey!”

“Hey Tav!”

Clarke goes to hug her best friend before scooting into their favorite booth at their favorite diner on the edge of Polis. After Lexa left, Octavia used to take Clarke on long drives to try and distract the blonde girl. They would always end up at the border of Polis at this very diner eating cheese and gravy fries at all hours of the night. 

The two girls decided to make it a little tradition to go grab breakfast here whenever they can, but with their busy schedules their diner meetups have become less and less unfortunately. Octavia wanted to check in on her best friend though. She knows how rough it must be on the nurse to have her ex back in her life. Octavia was there for all the chaos Lexa left in her wake. She doesn’t understand how the whole group can seemingly forgive Lexa overnight. Did they forget about the state Clarke was in after the older brunette abandoned her? Octavia certainly didn’t.

“I’ve missed this little ole dingy diner.”

“I’ve missed their cheese and gravy fries.”

“Oh god I haven’t had those since I was pregnant with Alex.”

“It’s crazy how big she’s getting. I miss my little niece. Lincoln said she scored the winning goal at yesterday’s game!”

“Yeah she did! She was so excited.”

“Lincoln also told me Lexa was there.”

Clarke looked up from her menu and pinched the bridge of her nose before softly sighing. She knows Octavia is looking out for her. She knows how protective her best friend is and she appreciates it to no end. She really does. But things are so complicated right now with Lexa. Her head is telling her one thing and her heart is telling her another. She really doesn’t want to talk about her feelings for the older brunette right now because she’s not sure what they are herself. Lexa fucked up, true. But she only left to protect her family, to protect Clarke. Then again, Lexa also waited a whole year to contact her after it became apparent it was safe to do so. Did Lexa care that little about her that she couldn’t be bothered to contact her? Her ex could have at least let her know she was still alive and kicking. Clarke is just a ball of varied emotions right now. She can’t even begin to think about herself. She needs to focus on Alex.

“She was.”

“And how did that go?”

“I know what you’re thinking O.”

“What am I thinking?”

“You’re thinking it’s a mistake to let her back into our lives.”

“You’re right I am thinking that.”

“Octavia you don’t under-”

“No sweetie I want you to listen to me for a quick minute.. I was here when Lexa left you. Now I know you say she had a good reason and maybe she does but she still broke you Clarke. You had to give up being a doctor to be a single mother. And I’m not saying anything bad about you having Alex. That girl is the best part of my days. I know she’s your whole world and you wouldn’t change a damn thing and I wouldn’t let you. But if Lexa was here, maybe you could have tried med school a few years later. Maybe you would have had enough support to give your dream a chance. She left you alone to raise your daughter. She left you and now she comes back 7 years later with sad puppy dog eyes and you let her back in with no reservations? I know Alex deserves to know her other mother. I do know that. But I don’t want to see you get your heart broken again. Because if anyone could break through the tough skin you’ve built around your heart, it would be Lexa Woods. And I don’t trust her. I had to pick you up off the bathroom floor that night all those years ago when you found out you were pregnant, Clarke. I had to change you clothes and wipe away your tears. I was the one who hummed a lullaby until you fell asleep in my arms from the sheer emotional and physical exhaustion of it all. And I was there before that and every day after. So don’t forget the past just because Lexa is making grand promises to be a better person and to never leave. Because she made all those promises once before and broke every single one of them. How can you be sure history won't repeat itself?”

///

_7 years ago_

_Octavia was sitting in Clarke’s room as the blonde was in the attached bathroom fixing herself up a little. Octavia, Raven, and Jake were the only ones that could get Clarke out of her bed. The weekends were Jake’s days. Mondays and Tuesdays were Octavia’s days. Wednesdays and Thursdays were Raven’s days. And Fridays were Raven and Octavia’s joint day. The group never wanted to leave Clarke alone. They were starting to really get nervous for Clarke. Summer was nearing it’s end and she was still in a state of utter and complete despair. They have never seen the girl so broken._

_Clarke came out dressed in actual clothes.. not pajamas. Maybe Clarke was finally getting a little better. But something didn’t seem right. Clarke looked anxious, nervous even. Her eyes were red and swollen and she was staring anywhere but in Octavia’s eyes. Something was off with her best friend._

_“Clarkey are you okay?”_

_“I need to go out.”_

_“Okay...where do you want to go?”_

_“The pharmacy.”_

_“Alright. Are you sick?”_

_“No.”_

_“Okay then why do we need to go to the pharmacy?”_

_Clarke looked up at Octavia and the younger Blake knew. Clarke looked so lost. She looked even more broken than she has in the past few weeks. Her bottom lip was trembling as the blonde tried so damn hard to keep the tears at bay. Clarke’s whole body was shaking._

_“I’m...I’m.. I think I might be...”_

_Clarke can barely get a few words out before her body gives out and she collapses onto the tiles of the bathroom floor. Octavia reacts in record time and catches her right before she falls hard. Clarke’s sobbing against her shoulder as the younger Blake slowly and gently moves them to the floor. Octavia felt the wind knocked out of her. Fuck. Her best friend was alone.. and pregnant._

_“Shh shh it’s okay you’re okay. You’re gonna be okay. You’re not alone. I’m here. I’m here. I’ll always be here.”_

_Clarke tightly clung to Octavia hysterically crying for over an hour. By the time she stopped it was only because her throat was hoarse and irritated and she had no tears left to cry. The blonde’s eyes were drooping and Octavia could tell sleep was taking over the girl’s body. Clarke’s grip on her shirt lessened as she nuzzled further in Octavia’s neck. Octavia picked up the exhausted fast asleep girl and carried her to the bed. She tugged off her best friend's uncomfortable jeans and tight tank top and replaced them with loose pajama shorts and a old baggy t shirt. They would go to the pharmacy in the morning but right now Clarke needed her rest. Clarke stirred a little, waking up. Octavia just held the girl and hummed soothing tunes until Clarke fell asleep again. Octavia could give her best friend one night more of peaceful dreaming before her whole world was turned upside yet again. No matter what was about to happen, Octavia promised herself right there and then she would always be there for the sleeping girl laying beside her._

///

Clarke remembers the day she found out she was pregnant as if it was yesterday. She was barely a person at that point. She wasn’t even taking care of herself. Octavia, Raven, her parents, and the rest of her friends were all taking shifts watching her. She was a shell of a person. She felt numb. Then she realized she was three weeks late. Three fucking weeks. Her life was a mess, she wasn’t paying attention to things like food, showering, her period cycle. But once she realized it, she finally felt something after a whole summer of nothing but a pit of everlasting emptiness. Clarke was scared shitless and heartbroken that she would have to raise this baby on her own. Once Clarke allowed herself to feel again, the floodgates opened. 

Everything she was holding in finally came out and Octavia was there to metaphorically and literally pick her up off the floor. Octavia and Raven drove her to every doctor’s appointment. Octavia specifically became very protective of pregnant Clarke. When strangers on the street tried to put their hands all over Clarke’s stomach, Octavia politely but firmly steered their hands away. Octavia planned her baby shower (since Raven would have probably planned something at a strip club or something). Octavia glared at anyone who gave Clarke a sideway glance in school once she started getting bigger. The younger Blake was there for Clarke when Lexa wasn’t. Octavia became her protector when she needed someone to lean on and her best friend seems to have never given up the title.

“I love you O. All those years ago you said you would always be here and you kept your word. You and Rae have never left my side. You guys were there when I delivered Alexandria. You and Lincoln were there when she said her first word. You were there when she took her first steps. You’ve been the best aunt and sister I could have ever imagined having. You gave me your strength when I had no fight left in me and I can’t thank you enough. I’ve always trusted your word so I need you to trust me now. Lexa fucked up. Lexa broke my heart. Lexa wasn’t around and I had to raise our child alone up until now. All these things are true. But Lexa didn’t have a choice. She wouldn’t have left me and she certainly wouldn’t have abandoned Alex. You should see how she looks at Alex, O. You should see the way Alex looks at her. Whether you like it or not, Lexa is a part of my family because of Alex. She’s going to be a permanent fixture in my life now. She’s Alex’s mom. This time she’s here to stay. I need you to accept that.”

Octavia looked hesitant but her eyes softened just enough that Clarke could tell she broke through her best friend’s walls at least a little. Octavia wanted what was best for Clarke and Alex. If Clarke could just prove to Octavia that Lexa was the best thing for them (or for Alex at least), then her best friend would (reluctantly) let Lexa back in her life.

“Okay. I trust you with my life. I trust your word Clarke. Just please… I know you’re doing what’s best for Alex but look out for yourself too. Lexa has always been your weakness. Protect your heart Clarke.”

“I promise O. I don’t have any intention of pursuing a relationship with Lexa again. Besides it’s been 7 years, I’ve changed and so has she. It wouldn’t even work if I wanted it to.”

All Octavia heard was excuses. The younger Blake was always observant and she knew Clarke and Raven better than she knew herself. Clarke was shaking her head and biting her lip. Even if Clarke didn’t realize it yet, she was already falling back in love with Lexa. And if Octavia was being really honest, she doesn’t think Clarke ever stopped falling for the younger Woods. Octavia was never one to invest much in blind hope, but she knew this one was out of her hands. There are some things she can’t protect her family from. She can only blindly hope that Lexa doesn’t prove her wrong again. Octavia rarely gives out second chances and she never gives out thirds. She'll give Woods another chance though for the sake of her best friend and niece.

“Mhm we’ll see about that one Griffin. Now let’s order! All this heavy shit is making me hungry as fuck.”

And the protective sentimental Octavia is replaced with the vulgar blunt version of her best friend that Clarke knows and loves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah now y'all have some insight on why Octavia was so reluctant to give Lexa another chance. Thoughts? Was she justified??
> 
> I like to throw in flashbacks here and there so if you guys have any specific event you'd like to see, drop me a comment and I'll try to fit it into the story.
> 
> Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. Hope you like the story so far!


	14. Daddy's Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lincoln and Lexa talk. Lexa finds out something tragic. Flashbacks too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes!

_6 Years Ago_

_Ton DC College has been everything Lincoln could hope for. He can feel himself changing right before his very eyes. Lincoln has always had a kind soul and soft heart. He’s always been curious about the mind so philosophy is a perfect fit for him. Octavia calls him her “great thinker.”_

_Speaking of Octavia, their relationship is still going strong much to his relief. He knows in his bones that Octavia is the love of his life. In a few years once they both graduate college, he even plans on proposing. He was suppose to pick out the ring with Lexa and Anya. His sisters. And now they’re gone. Not only did they take a part of his and Clarke’s hearts with them but they left behind so much as well. They left behind a struggling Clarke and a baby Alexandria. Clarke is just getting on her feet again after her teen pregnancy, her father’s sudden death, and her suffers with postpartum depression. Her head is finally above water. Lincoln would be lying if he said he wasn’t disappointed that Lexa and Anya just left without an explanation. They left and everyone else had to deal with the consequences...especially Clarke._

_It’s January so Lincoln is on winter break for a few more weeks. He spends his days with the love of his love, in bed most of the time if he’s being honest. He’s missed Octavia’s tender touch so much. There’s only so much phone sex a guy can take without being able to be with the real thing. Octavia Blake has bewitched him._

_“Babe what are you so deep in thought about?”_

_Octavia walks in eating an apple in deliciously tight workout shorts and one of his Ton DC College t shirts much too oversized for her petite frame._

_“Just how much I love you.”_

_“Oh god you’re so cheesy.”_

_“And I was thinking about all the phone sex we have.”_

_Octavia laughed out loud and plopped on the couch next to him. She is so in love with her boyfriend. She’s just glad they’ve stayed together after the shit show that was senior year and now with her deciding to go to Polis U. Polis U fits Octavia much better than Ton DC College would have. It’s only been a few semesters but Octavia is really developing into her own person. Her whole life she lived under her brother’s shadow. Whatever Bellamy thought, that’s what she thought too. But now she actually feels like a person with her own mind. It’s a nice feeling. A part of her feels bad that her best friend doesn’t have the chance to soul search and explore her own passions. Clarke has had such a shitty two years. Octavia’s amazed that the girl was able to pick herself up and keep going after everything that’s happened to her._

_“We do have a lot of that don’t we?”_

_“Yes. I prefer the real thing much more though.”_

_Lincoln tilts Octavia’s head back and tenderly kisses her jawline and neck. Lincoln has always been a careful gentle lover. Octavia was always the more dominant rough one. They were each other’s first and hopefully their lasts. Neither of them can get enough._

_Octavia takes control and heatedly kisses Lincoln on the lips with everything she has. In one swift motion, the petite girl straddles her lover and begins to grind against him. Before things can get too heated, Lincoln’s strong arms grab Octavia’s thighs ready to carry her to her bedroom. Just as he’s about to lift them off the couch, there’s a loud knock on the door. The couple huffs before detaching from each other’s lips. With shaky legs, Octavia goes and opens the door to see a frazzled Clarke with a overjoyed Alex in her arms. Octavia mentally scolds herself for forgetting that they invited Clarke over for lunch._

_“Hey guys. Am I interrupting something?”_

_Clarke knowingly smirks at her two flustered friends. Lincoln uncomfortably shifts on the couch while Octavia just chuckles. Octavia has always been shameless about sex. She doesn’t believe there should be a stigma behind it._

_“We just got a little carried away Griff. No worries. Come on in!”_

_“I can leave if you guys want to -”_

_“No! I miss my little Alexbug.”_

_Octavia takes a energetic Alex from Clarke’s tired arms. The little girl happily squeals and Octavia blows raspberries into the girl’s tummy over her pastel yellow shirt._

_“You saw her yesterday O.”_

_“Exactly. I’m having withdrawals.”_

_“You’re ridiculous.”_

_“Yeah ridiculously cute. Must be where Alex gets her good looks from.”_

_“Yeah something like that.” Clarke sadly mumbles under her breath. At this point Alex’s features are becoming more prominent. After all, the baby girl is 10 months old already. She know longer looks like an indistinguishable newborn. No. Alex looks 100 percent like Lexa. Nobody mentions this very fact, but it’s obvious. Alex’s eyes shine emerald green and her hair is painted dark brown just like her mother’s. At first it was too much for Clarke to bear. Every time she looked at her daughter she would see not only her unconditional love for the baby girl but also a perfect picture of the woman who abandoned her. The woman who left her right before shit really hit the fan._

_Octavia knowingly looks at Clarke and gives her a kiss on the cheek before handing off a naive Alex to Lincoln. Octavia and teary eyed Clarke go off in the kitchen under the guise of grabbing some iced tea but really they will be talking about Lexa. Lincoln stares into his old best friend’s daughter’s adorable green eyes seemingly searching for the answers._

_“You know your mama misses your mommy so much yeah? I miss her too.”_

_Lincoln looks a little sullen as he bounces Alex on his knee. His little niece only gurgles in return and babbles back to him like she knows what she’s saying. The burly man just smiles back and places the girl on the floor to play with some of the toys Clarke left behind in her baby bag. Lexa isn’t here but Lincoln knows she’ll be back. Clarke and the rest of the gang might have lost hope in her, but Lincoln hasn’t. Lincoln will have hope for the rest of them too until his best friend returns._

///

“Lex!”

Lincoln stands up from his chair and hugs his best friend. Lexa warmly smiles at him as they sit down at their old table at Grounders. Since Lexa used to waitress here, the whole gang would come by and playfully mess around with her when she was on shifts. Grounders was home to many memories for the high school friends and for Clarke and Lexa alone as well.

“Hey Linc. How’s everything? I’m glad we’re finally sitting down and catching up just the two of us.”

“Me too. I’ve missed you Lex.”

The waiter stops by and they order. It’s a well known fact that Lexa always ordered the cheeseburger from Grounders. It was her weakness. Feeling nostalgic, Lincoln follows suit and orders the same.

“So Lex. How are you? How’s Anya?”

“Anya is...okay. She’s good I guess. We aren’t exactly on talking terms.”

Lincoln frowns for a moment. Lexa and Anya were always inseparable. They _never_ fought. What could have happened to cause such a rift between the sisters? Lexa looks uncomfortable though. Lincoln was one of the very selected few people who could read Lexa like an open book. He could tell that Anya was not a topic Lexa wished to discuss. Lincoln wasn’t going to push her.

“Oh okay. Well we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“Thanks Linc. Maybe later but right now I want to focus on the positives.”

“No no I get it Lex. So how was meeting Alex? She’s a great kid you know.

Lexa’s green eyes beamed and her mouth formed into a great big radiant smile. Just thinking about her beautiful daughter made her feel at home.

“Yeah she is. I know I only just met her but Lincoln that girl is my heart. Her and Clarke. There’s a lot I have to make up to them. I love them both so much Linc.”

Lincoln nodded understandingly. He knows his best friend never fell out of love with Clarke and he knows Clarke never fell out of love with Lexa (even if she doesn’t know it herself) but that doesn’t mean Clarke will ever allow herself to embrace that love. Clarke was a kid when she got pregnant with Alex. She was a kid who one moment was head over heels in love and prepping for her senior year in high school and the next alone and pregnant at 17. Clarke just had finished picking up the pieces of her life when tragedy struck a few months before Alex’s birth when Jake died. Clarke was so close to her father and when he died it broke her _yet again_. Alex’s birth at the middle to end of her senior year was rough. Alex was beautiful and Clarke loved her with every fiber of her mind and soul but something was off. Something wasn’t right with their blonde friend and when Abby diagnosed it as postpartum depression, it all made sense. 

So yeah Clarke’s been through hell since Lexa left. And now Lexa’s back and Lincoln couldn’t be happier. He knew this day would come, but he hopes Lexa doesn’t have high hopes of Clarke returning her affections. Clarke might love Lexa but sometimes in life that’s not enough. Lincoln doesn’t want to see either of his sisters hurt.

“Lex I’m so happy you’re back. You’re like a sister to me and I love you. Alex needed her other mom and now you’re here and that’s amazing. Truly it was a beautiful thing to witness. But I’ve also witnessed a lot in Clarke’s life change since you were gone. You see Clarke now and she has her life together, but it took a long time to get here. A series of really bad things happened in her life right after you left and it continually broke her over and over again. I honestly don’t know how she’s bounced back from it all. She’s made a great life for her and Alex. I just don’t want you to get your hopes up about anything romantic happening with her. She’s not the same love struck teen you once knew. She’s had to harden herself to survive.”

Lexa slowly processed all the information Lincoln was giving her. She knew Clarke might have moved on from her but she swore she thought she still felt that connection. No matter what Lincoln says though, it doesn’t change the fact that Clarke Griffin will always be the only one for Lexa. Even if they’re never romantically involved again, nobody will ever be better than Clarke. No one can compare to the blonde blue eyed beauty that stormed into her life and warmed her icy heart. Nobody will be able to make her laugh until she cries. Clarke is Lexa’s soulmate, she knows it with everything in her. However, Lexa understands that the love of her life’s world has drastically changed since they were two teenagers in love. Something about what Lincoln says disturbs Lexa though. What bad things happened to Clarke? Why hasn’t anyone told her about this until now? Lexa knows that Clarke’s affairs are no longer any of her business but she is desperate for information. 

“I will always love Clarke. She’s the only girl I will ever feel this way for but I know it might not be the same for her anymore and that’s okay. I left and it took much too long for me to come back. I want to be with Clarke in any way she deems fit. So if that just means co parenting than so be it. I won’t force her to love me back. I won’t pressure her into anything. But if I do find out she loves me back I’ll fight for her. I left once but I’m never leaving again.”

“I hope you two can work it out. Really I do. Your love was once so pure. Maybe one day you can get back to that. But it’s a slim chance Lex. I just need you to know that. I know it broke you’re heart leaving the first time. I don’t want you to break again.”

“I’ll be okay. Thanks for always looking out for me. You’re an amazing friend and supportive brother.”

Lincoln reached over and grabbed Lexa’s hand giving her a reassuring squeeze. The two moved on from heavy conversation topics and discussed the past 7 years a bit. Lincoln talked about how his philosophy degree wasn’t the easiest degree to make a career out of and how he’s currently enrolled in some grad school classes so that hopefully one day he can be a professor. He talked about how him and O got engaged after his last year of college and how he moved back right after. Lincoln tells her about how they ended up buying the cafe from an old pal of his from college and how successful it has become after a few recent renovations. Lexa was so proud of him for going out in the world and doing everything he’s ever wanted and more. After they finished up dinner and paid the check, they casually sat finishing up their coffees. Lexa saw the lull in conversation as the perfect time to bring up a question she’s had since the start of their lunch.

Hey Linc, can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“When you said a series of ‘bad’ things happened to Clarke, what did you mean?”

Lincoln looks down at the table and scratches his head searching for an appropriate answer. He’s not sure how much Clarke has told Lexa about the past and he’s not sure how much she wants his best friend to know. Over the years, Lincoln has come to look at Clarke like his sister as well. He’s seen the strife she’s been through firsthand and he doesn’t want to overstep and say something he shouldn’t.

“Well uh you know she was pregnant obviously.”

Lincoln nervously giggled and Lexa smirked.

“Yeah I gathered that much.”

“Right yeah yeah of course. Well that was pretty rough on her. At the time, we didn’t know why you guys left. For a long time it really fucked with Clarke’s head. Then she found out she was pregnant and that threw her for a loop. She hadn’t even started her senior year of high school yet and she was going to have a baby. Luckily, her parents were really supportive of her. Jake was already buying him and Abby cheesy grandparents t shirts.”

Lincoln sadly smiled at the memory before continuing.

“But then there was a car accident..”

Lexa’s eyes widen as a mask of worry and fear plagued her face. She felt like she was suffocating. All this time she’s been talking to Clarke again, she never once asked about how her parents have been. Lexa realizes how selfish she has been. The brunette doesn’t dare to try and speak because if she does she might cry. She already knows what Lincoln is about to say she can feel it. Something bad happened. Something very very bad.

“Jake and Abby were driving home from a dinner date one night in the winter, about two months before Clarke was due. There was black ice on the road. The tires spun out and they hit a truck. Abby was on the passenger side so she was okay except for a few scrapes and a sprained wrist. But Jake… he.. he didn’t make it.”

Lexa furiously shook her head as the tears harshly cascaded down her cheeks. Jake was a good man with a pure heart. Clarke took after him in that respect. He and Clarke always shared a deep bond. This wasn’t fair. She could only imagine the complete devastation that Clarke must have experienced from losing her father. Lexa was quietly crying and sniffing with her head burrowed in her hands. Lincoln came over and rubbed her back.

“I’m sorry to be the one to tell you Lex. Clarke was really destroyed after that. We were even worried she might lose the baby because she was so distraught and stressed. She was put on bed rest a few weeks after that.”

Lexa wiped away her tears for Jake and her tears for Clarke. She nodded at Lincoln who took it as a sign to sit back in his own seat and patiently wait for her to speak. Lexa stared off into space for a few minutes reliving the most embarrassing memory she has with Clarke and Jake.

///

_9 Years Ago_

_Clarke and Lexa were sitting in the blonde’s living room watching old reruns of the I Love Lucy, one of Lexa’s favorites. Lexa always had a fascination with the vintage and old. Clarke says it’s because she has an old soul._

_Clarke’s head was resting on Lexa’s shoulder with her one of her arms lazily encircling Lexa’s slim waist. Lexa had one hand in Clarke’s hair gently massaging her scalp while her other hand was interlocked with the blonde’s. This position wasn’t out of the ordinary for them. This was how they always watched TV together, but this time the energy in the room was charged much differently._

_Two days ago when they were at a party Clarke and Lexa were dared by none other than Raven Reyes to kiss..with tongue...for at least one minute. The kiss got heated rather quickly, both girls pouring all their feelings for the other into their lips. Later in the night when they were sitting off alone in Murphy’s backyard, they drunkenly admitted that they had feelings for each other and chastely kissed one last time before Clarke threw up all over Lexa’s feet._

_The next morning was awkward for both girls, more so Clarke. And for Lexa, she was the girl who always spoke her mind. She never was afraid especially when it came to girls. Lexa always took what she wanted, who she wanted. But with Clarke it was different. With Clarke it wasn’t just want, it was need. Lexa loves Clarke. Lexa is in love with Clarke. She doesn’t want to mess this up so she decided she’d wait to see what Clarke wanted to do about that night. Only problem with that was Clarke was so embarrassed from throwing up on Lexa that she avoided the girl all day. Both girls were plagued with fear so they were waiting for the other to say something, anything. Two days of silence on the topic was driving Lexa mad though. She wasn’t even paying attention to the I Love Lucy episode and this one was her favorite with Lucy smashing grapes to make wine in Italy._

_“Clarke.”_

_“Hmm?”_

_“Can we talk?”_

_“Sure”_

_Lexa nervously grabbed the remote and turned off the TV, moving her body so that she could fully face Clarke head on. She needed to look into those blue eyes she adored so much when she said this again._

_“Clarke.. I think we should talk about what happened at Murphy’s party.”_

_Clarke slowly nodded looking anywhere but at Lexa. Truth be told, the blonde has been in love with Lexa for quite some time. She knew she never stood a chance with the great Lexa Woods though. Lexa could have anyone. Why would she want her? To say it in the simplest of terms, Clarke thought she was firmly placed in the friendzone. What she didn’t realize was that Lexa has had the same feelings all this time for her as well. At least she thinks she does. At the party the madeout and confessed their feelings but they were also very very drunk. Maybe Lexa was just drunk and she didn’t mean it. Clarke really hoped that wasn’t the case because that would break her heart._

_“Okay. You’re right. I uh um… if you were just drunk and you didn’t mean it I totally understand.”_

_“I was drunk.”_

_Clarke solemnly nodded and was about to get up to excuse herself to the bathroom where she could silently cry away from Lexa’s beautiful green eyes, but then her best friend cupped her cheeks forcing her to stare in those emerald pools that captivated her so._

_“But I meant every word.”_

_“You.. you did?” Clarke spoke barely above a whisper as if she was shocked beyond words at her best friend’s revelation._

_“Yes. I’m in love with you Clarke Griffin. You’ve taught me how to love and be loved.”_

_“I love you too Lexa. God I love you so much.”_

_Lexa smiled and you could tell that her whole body was tingling with excitement and happiness. The brunette’s eyes kept darting down to Clarke’s perfect lips. All she wanted was to kiss her senselessly in that moment._

_“Can I kiss you?”_

_“You don’t need to ask but yes.”_

_Lexa briefly wet her lips with her tongue before gently moving her mouth against Clarke’s. Clarke wrapped her arms tightly around Lexa’s neck and pulled her on top of her, laying back on the couch. The kisses were wet and sensual. They weren’t reeking of desperation and sexual desire like their first makeout two days ago. No this time it was tinged with sweetness and love. Everything was slower and tender._

_Lexa swiped her tongue against Clarke’s bottom lip hoping to gain further access to her love’s mouth to which the blonde readily welcomed. One of Lexa’s hand remained resting on Clarke’s cheek as the other made it’s way to Clarke’s clothed breast. Lexa gently massaged her lover’s generous swells as Clarke let out the softest of whimpers, sending shockwaves down Lexa’s spine to her lower core._

_Clarke wrapped one of her legs around Lexa’s waist, eager for some sort of contact. Clarke has never felt so sexual in her whole life. The blonde had very limited experience in this area. She’s never touched herself or been touched by another.. until know. The farthest she’s gone was a few kisses with this girl Mel her freshman year behind the bleachers of her high school and a one time quick sloppy makeout session with a junior on the hockey team named Finn Collins at a party a few months ago. Clarke is feeling things she’s never felt before. Her lower body feels like it’s on fire. Her head feels lightheaded and dizzy in the best way possible. Her legs are shaking in anticipation._

_Lexa carefully places her leg in between Clarke’s and starts at a slow pace. Clarke gasps into their kiss and slightly tilts her head back in ecstasy as her eyes roll to the back of her head. Clarke bravely moves her hands under Lexa’s shirt and softly scratches the older girl’s back, enjoying the rocking movements of Lexa’s leg against her. Clarke feels warm and on the edge of somewhere she’s never been before. She can feel Lexa’s bulge pressing up against her thigh and it’s causing the most pleasant of shivers to jolt her body alive._

_Lexa closes her eyes for a moment in an effort to control herself and presses kisses from Clarke’s jaw to her neck. Once Lexa reaches the blonde’s collarbone, she reluctantly forces herself to still her body and whisper into Clarke’s pale supple skin._

_“We can stop whenever you want Klark.”_

_Clarke huskily breathes out a “What if I don’t want to stop?” all the while looking into Lexa’s blown pupils. The two girls are so enwrapped in each other they don’t even hear the echoing footsteps coming down the hall._

_“Oh no my eyes!”_

_Jake quickly shuts his eyes and rapidly backs into the wall behind him, causing three photos hanging on the wall to fall to the floor and shatter. Clarke and Lexa whip their heads so fast into the direction of all the ruckus and immediately jump off of each other, completely flustered and thoroughly embarrassed._

_“Shit Dad! Uhh we were just watching TV and then uh we got um tired and uh -”_

_Clarke frantically looked over at Lexa for help formulating a lie, begging for the older girl to come up with a better answer than “we were totally just dry humping on your couch.”_

_“um we decided to take a nap?”_

_Clarke seemed satisfied with Lexa’s unsure response. By this point, Jake was staring at both of the girls like they were idiots. Jake knew exactly what they were doing and it was far from napping. Was he happy that Clarke was doing _things_ on his couch? No of course not. He watches his football on that couch. In a perfect world, Clarke would never have sex but c’mon he’s not naive and this is far from a perfect world. Besides, he’s always had a soft spot for Lexa. He can tell Lexa really loves his daughter just by the look in her eyes when she thinks nobody is watching her stare at Clarke as if she’s the most radiant piece of art ever to be discovered. Jake Griffin is a half glass full kind of guy and more importantly, a total clown. He can tell Clarke and Lexa are wildly uncomfortable so he figures he might as well use some poorly placed humor, his speciality, to lighten the mood._

_“I think I’ve been napping wrong all my life then.”_

_“Dad!”_

_Jake started hysterically laughing at Clarke who just started huffing and buried her face into Lexa’s shoulder._

_“Oh relax sweetie. You’re lucky I was the one who walked on your little ‘naptime’ and not your mother.”_

_Up until this point Lexa just sort of sat there. First she was scared shitless that Jake was going to beat her for touching his precious virgin daughter. Then she was confused at Jake’s joking attitude. And now. Well now Lexa just finds the whole situation fucking hilarious albeit slightly embarrassing._

_“Lexa stop laughing!”_

_Lexa and Jake break out into a laughing fit. Clarke gives off her best warning glare but after a minute or two she too sees the hilarity in the situation and playfully throws a pillow at her father and gently shoves Lexa’s shoulder._

_“You guys are so immature!”_

_Clarke storms out of the room to fix herself because she surely looked like a flustered mess. Lexa went up to follow her and check to see if she was okay but halted her steps when Jake put his hand on her shoulder._

_“Lexa you’re one of the good ones. I know I’m always joking around but I’m telling you the truth when I say that I’m glad you two have found your way to each other. I have a pretty good feeling you’re gonna be around for quite awhile so take care of her for me will ya?”_

_Lexa was shocked and touched by Jake’s words. She was expecting a warning about hurting his daughter but instead this man was unequivocally kind. Lexa, overcome by emotions, could only nod in response._

_“That’s my girl. Oh and next time you guys decide to ‘nap,’ avoid doing so on my couch. I’d like to eat my nachos and watch the Jets on Sundays in peace without thinking about what I’m sitting on.”_

_Lexa’s eyes widened as Jake walked away chuckling to himself. Jake Griffin was certainly something else._

///

“Jake was a good man.”

Lexa poured all her emotions into those five words. Because that’s exactly what Jake was and he deserved better. Clarke deserved better. Abby too. It wasn’t his time. Fuck.

“He was on of the best men I had the pleasure of knowing. I’m sorry to throw all this on you but Clarke never really recovered from all the loss in such a short period of time. There’s more to the story but I think Clarke should be the one to tell the rest.”

The older brunette nodded. All of a sudden the weight on her shoulders suddenly felt much more grim and heavy.

“I understand. Thank you for telling me Lincoln.”

“You can always talk to me Lex. I hope you know that. I’m here for you. If you ever want to bitch and scream about how shitty the world is, I’m here. If you ever want to cry and shove your face with ice cream, I’ll bring the carton of pistachio. If you ever need someone to lean on, please know that you can come to me just like I always came to you. I know a lot has changed in the past 7 years, but just know that my feelings toward you haven’t. No matter the distance and time between us, you’ll always be my sister.”

Lexa got up and hugged Lincoln before pressing a kiss to his cheek.

“Thank you. You have no idea how much I needed this. I’ve never felt so confused and excited and alone and worried in my life.”

“Welcome to being a mother.”

Lexa dryly laughed and the mood lightened a little. The pair got up and walked in silence to their cars, saying their goodbyes and ‘see you soons.’

“Take care Linc.”

“You too Lex. Lunch same time next week?”

“Sure I’d like that.”

Lexa got into her car and watched as Lincoln drove away. Everyday is another day of unpredictable emotions. She now knows she’s only gotten a glimpse of the tragedy and struggle her ex has had to deal with since she left. Lexa missed out on Alex’s whole life but she also missed out on the hardest years of Clarke’s life. She wasn’t there for the love of her life when she needed her most. Lexa curses herself. She needs to try and make this up to Clarke, the beautiful much too pure of heart Clarke. Clarke Griffin has been to hell and back since Lexa left. It’s time Woods shares some of her love’s burden on her shoulders as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love throwing in flashbacks. Don't worry I'll put in some flashbacks of what Lexa has been doing the last few years as well.
> 
> Seriously though, thank you all for the comments and kudos. I'm pleasantly surprised by the amount of people reading this haha.


	15. You've Got the Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke, Lexa, Alex, and Raven go to the amusement park. Some Clexa moments thrown in there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes! I don't have time to edit right now so I'm just posting as is.

Lexa approached Clarke and Raven's house teeming with excitement. She was still nervous about disappointing Alex but the first time they met went so well she's not as anxious. Lexa can hear Clarke yelling from another room that Raven absolutely cannot bring boxed wine to a children's amusement park. The brunette chuckles at Raven's typical antics before knocking on the apartment door.

Clarke opens the door with a bright smile on her face. Lexa feels at ease as soon as she looks into those big blue eyes. Lexa feels a sudden rush of guilt that she wasn't there for Clarke in her times of need. She wasn't there to hold Clarke when she got the news of her father's passing. She wasn't by her side at the funeral. Lexa wasn't there. Clarke notices the slight frown on her ex's face and questions her.

"Hey Lex. Are you alright?"

"Oh yeah sorry I was just thinking."

"Thinking too much has always been your problem. Today is gonna be fun. Alex is really excited."

Clarke opens the door wider and moves to the side, letting Lexa walk into the living room. Lexa is holding a shiny brand new soccer ball with a red bow on it in her arms. Clarke melts at the sight of her ex nervously shifting on her feet with a gift for their daughter in her hands.

"Is that for Alex?"

"Oh uh yeah I figured she would like it."

"She'll love it. I just have to go help Alex finishing getting dressed. I'll be right back."

Clarke scurries off into their daughter's room to help Alex braid her hair and tie her sneakers. Lexa awkwardly sits on a kitchen stool as Reyes saunters out of her bedroom in a muscle tee crop top, high waited shorts, and a NASA baseball cap. 

"Hey Woods. Ready for a day of children with sticky fingers screaming in your ears?"

Lexa laughed lightly and shook her head.

"Amusement parks aren't that bad. They're fun!"

"Oh yeah I forgot you were an adrenaline junkie. Alex is like that too. The kid tries to go on her tippy toes to meet the height requirements of all the 'big kid' rides."

Lexa smiles at her daughter's stark similarities to herself. She used to have to drag Clarke on all the bigger roller coasters. Clarke always said she preferred the spinning teacups to the upside down rides Lexa lived and breathed for.

"MAMA! MOMMY IS HERE!"

Alex excitedly jumps up and down tugging on the bottom of Clarke's shirt before running up and hugging Lexa's leg. Lexa is taken aback by how adorable and loving her daughter is being toward her. Alex starts impatiently jumping and Lexa scoops her up in her arms and gives her a tight hug. Green meets green.

"Are you exited for the wides [rides]?"

"I am. I love the big roller coasters. Wanna go on some with me?"

Alex looks over her shoulder at Clarke, silently asking permission. Clarke smiles and nods. 

"Yes!!"

"You know Alex I got you a present."

Alex's eyes grow wide as she searches the room for her gift from her new mommy. Her big green eyes land on a new soccer ball on the couch. Alex squeals and throws her arms around her mommy's neck. 

"You got me a new soccer ball! You're the bestest!!"

"I'm glad you like it."

Raven is carefully watching Clarke's loving expression directed at Lexa throughout this whole exchange. She knows her best friend is already in deep. Lexa Woods has consumed her heart.

The group decides to take Clarke's car to the park since Alex's car seat is already situated in there. Alex asks Lexa to sit in the back with her and Lexa buckles the girl into her car seat with much more confidence this time. The half hour car ride there is filled with Lexa and Alex talking about soccer. It's just so damn cute, it's almost too much for Clarke to take.

Once they get into the amusement park, Alex is already bouncing off the walls. The little girl is pointing in every direction at different rides and arcades she wants to go to. Lexa loves Alex's energy as it rivals her own. 

"Mama, Mommy, Auntie Raven!! Hurry up pwease! I don't wanna wait on long lines."

Alex skipped along a few feet ahead of them as the three adults giggled at the pushy nature of the six year old in front of them.

"She is her mother's daughter after all. You never liked lines either Lex."

"I still don't. They're a waste of time."

"Aw poor baby already whining.

Lexa faked pouted and Clarke playfully bumped into her.

Raven just watched the two girls shamelessly flirting. Raven would crack a joke about it but she realizes that Clarke probably doesn't even know what she's doing. Sometimes Clarke can just be a flirt without picking up on it. Last thing Raven wants to do is make the former couple uncomfortable. They will figure it out on their own...hopefully.

The group makes their way to a medium sized kiddie roller coaster. For a six year old though, this ride is huge. Alex is excited but also a little scared.

"Mommy."

Alex pokes at Lexa's stomach which is eye level to the little girl. Lexa looks down with an amused smile.

"Yes?"

"Can I wide [ride] with you?"

Lexa is so happy that the girl wants to go on the ride with her but she has to make sure that Clarke is okay with it. Lexa knowingly looks at Clarke and the blonde warmly smiles and nods.

"Of course you can. I'd love to ride with you. Will you hold my hand if I get scared?"

Lexa obviously won't get scared going on a kiddie ride but she can tell her daughter is a little nervous. If Alex is anything like Lexa she will be too proud to tell anyone that's she scared. So Lexa did it for her. It was a total mom move. Not everyone knew of Lexa Wood's gentle compassionate side, but Clarke did. And because of that, the blonde always knew Lexa would be a natural at parenting.

“You get scared?”

Alex whispers to her mom. Her new mommy is so cool and smart. She wants to be just like her.

“Oh yeah all the time. It’s ok to feel scared. The trick is to embrace it.”

“I like that.” Clarke whispered in Lexa’s ear. Lexa shudders at the blonde’s faint breath on her neck. The brunette closes her eyes briefly before turning around and smirking at Clarke. The two start talking in hushed voices, laughing with their eyes and their mouths. It looks as if no time has passed between the two. But looks aren’t everything.

Alex smiled at her mommies talking quietly with eachother. She wondered when her mommies would kiss on the cheek like Jasper’s daddies. When was her mommy going to move in with them? Both of Jasper’s daddies lived with him. She wanted both of her mommies too.

“Mommies I have a questions.”

Clarke looked down at her daughter with only love in her eyes. Alex always had questions. She is a very curious child.

“Yes baby?”

“When is my new mommy going to move in with us?”

Clarke and Lexa freeze in their spots and grow a few shade paler. Raven’s eyes bulge out of her head. Alex carefully watches her mommies and auntie. Why were they acting so weird?

“Oh sweetie..”

Clarke spared a short glance over to Lexa before bending down to be eye level with their daughter. Clarke cupped Alex’s cheeks and spoke softly.

“Your other mommy isn’t going to move in with us. She’s going to stay at her house and we are going to stay at our house.”

Alex’s face scrunched up trying to process the information. Clarke didn’t understand where her daughter got the idea that Lexa would be moving in with them. It didn’t make sense, but then again Clarke wasn’t a six year old. She didn’t always know what was going on in her little girl’s head.

“But Jasper’s daddies both live with him and - and they kiss on the cheek and they both tuck him in. Why can’t mommy move in with us?? Jasper says his daddies love eachother. Do you not love my other mommy?”

Alex is starting to tear up and it’s breaking the three adult’s hearts. This all must be so confusing for the six year old. Lexa takes a chance and bends down next to Clarke and Alex. Clarke looks flustered and shocked and maybe even a little uncomfortable. Lexa just wants to comfort both her girls. Truthfully, her daughter’s words were tearing her insides apart. She wants everything Alex said. God she wants it so bad. Lexa couldn’t imagine a better life than waking up with Clarke in her arms every morning and tucking in their baby girl every night. But that’s not going to happen. Her and Anya’s stupid decisions made sure of that. 

Clarke was frozen in place at her daughter’s words. Alex was visibly upset and confused. Clarke didn’t even know the answer to Alex’s last question and even if she did she wouldn’t know how to answer her daughter, especially with Lexa right by her side. Lexa put her hand on the blonde’s shoulder and looked at her sadly but knowingly. Clarke doesn’t know how to phrase this so Lexa decides to try for the both of them.

“Alex getting to know you has been amazing. I’m still your mommy if I don’t live with you and your mama. Some parents live together and some don’t. It’s okay. You’ll still see me all the time.”

Lexa was filled with sadness but outwardly gave of a soft smile to her daughter. Alex seemed a little deflated after that answer but nonetheless nodded. She wrapped her small tiny arms around Lexa and kissed her on the cheek and then did the same to Clarke.

“Does that mean you don’t love each other?”

Alex’s lip was trembling just as Lexa’s did when she was upset. Neither parents wanted to have this conversation on the line for a ride in a children’s amusement park but that’s life - always unexpected and always messy. Lexa loved Clarke with everything she is, was, and will be. But she doesn’t want to make the blonde uncomfortable or angry for professing her undying love to their daughter. Plus she doesn’t want to give Alex false hope. As much as she one day hopes for a second chance with Clarke, after everything she has learned as of late, Lexa realizes her chances are slim. Luckily, Lexa doesn’t have to answer the question as her blonde beautiful ex answers for the both of them.

“Alex both of us love you so so much. You’re our daughter sweetie. Of course we care about each other honey but that doesn’t mean we are going to kiss on the cheek like Jasper’s daddies okay? Just know that we both love you and that’s all that matters.”

Clarke scooped up Alex in her arms and pressed a kiss to the girl’s forehead. Alex hugged her Mama’s neck. Alex was sad her mommies wouldn’t live together but she’s okay because both her mommies love her. Alex loves spending time with her mommies.

“Okay Mama.”

The rest of the day went well. Alex and Lexa went on all the big rides (well all the big rides that Alex was tall enough to squeeze her way on) and Clarke and Raven stuck to the smaller rides. It didn't help that Raven was a tad hungover. Alex clutched onto Clarke and Lexa's hands for dear life. She really loved spending time with both her mommies. She knows that they are no together like Jaspers daddies but she hopes on day soon they will be.

"Mommy can we go on that one?"

Alex points to the biggest ride in the park. It's the fastest and tallest roller coaster in the country. There's no way Alex is going to be tall enough or weigh enough for that ride. The line is probably two hours anyways.

"I think you have to be a little bigger for that one princess."

Clarke smiles at Lexa's little nickname for Alex. Lexa used to call Clarke her 'princess.' It's cute that the older brunette has passed down the nickname to their daughter.

Alex pouts for a second before running off to her Auntie Raven, asking the hungover girl to help her with a stuffed toy raccoon from a crane game in an arcade nearby. Lexa and Clarke laugh at Raven's sensitivity to sound as Alex excitedly squeals in her ear about all the rides her new mommy has brought her on today. Clarke and Lexa are left alone smiling like idiots at one another. 

"You're really good with her."

"She's amazing. Very energetic too."

"Oh trust me I know. She will probably knock out tonight from all the excitement of the day."

There's a lull in conversation but it's more reflective than awkward. Lexa smirks a little and hesitatingly grabs Clarke's hand and starts walking her towards a line for some ride. Clarke doesn't reject the touch but her facial expressions scream shock and slight curiosity.

"You did promise me one ride Griffin. I plan on cashing that in now." 

Lexa smirks mischievously and continues leading them in the direction of that very big roller coaster that Alex was pointing at all of five minutes ago. Clarke bits her lip to hid her smile. She doesn't want Lexa to know what that smirk does to her. 

"And of course you pick the biggest ride in the park."

"Go big or go home."

"I'd rather go home."

Lexa shakes her head and smiles. Clarke can be so stubborn in the best possible ways sometimes. The blonde girl drove her up a wall but she loved it. 

"Were you always this difficult?"

Clarke laughs and thoughtfully nods at Lexa's joking inquiry. 

"Of course Lex. C'mon don't tell me you forgot my hard headed ways."

Lexa sadly smiles and locks eyes with Clarke. The playful air between them suddenly shifts to something heavier. 

"I'll never forget a single thing about you Clarke. Every smile. Every word of your perfect mouth. Every sleepy mumbled 'goodnight.' Every touch and every sensation. I remember it all...I always will."

Clarke's eyes widen a bit as she gently removes her hand from Lexa's and clears her throat. Her heart is beating furiously in her ribcage.

Lexa immediately misses the blonde's touch and whines at the loss. Clarke looks like she's thinking something over really hard in that beautiful brain of hers. Clarke and Lexa are at a standstill. The ball is in Clarke's court here. Lexa won't push Clarke. She'll understand if Clarke rejects her affection again. 

Thinking for the first time in 7 years with her heart and not her head, Clarke interlaces her and her ex's fingers all the while avoiding the older brunette's awe struck gaze.

Lexa is in a state of shock. She never understood those people who would say they were frozen in fear until now. Only it wasn't fear that had her paralyzed.. It's excitement and shock. Clarke rejoined their hands. I mean it could mean absolutely nothing. It could just be a platonic hand holding but Lexa wishes and hopes with everything that she has that it's not platonic, that Clarke still loves her. 

"You've always been a sap."

"So I've been told."

Lexa nervously laughs under Clarke's intense stare. Something in those blue eyes she loves so much softens though and all that is left is guarded adoration and maybe a little of something else. Clarke breaks the loving gaze as soon as she realizes she's leaning in slightly. 

C'mon Woods let's go on this dumb ride."

Lexa could swear she saw Clarke's body slightly leaning towards her, but she realizes it's probably just desperate wishful thinking on her part. Lexa would do anything to feel Clarke's lips molded against her own yet again. But Lincoln's words echo in her mind. 

" _Your love once was so pure. Maybe one day you can get back to that. But it’s a slim chance Lex. I just need you to know that._ "

The two girls hold hands throughout the whole line and when the ride finally shoots off, Clarke's grip on Lexa's hand only grows tighter. Once they get off the ride, Raven is waiting at the exit with a very tired sleeping Alex in her arms. Clarke and Lexa all but melt at the adorable sight. 

"Thanks for carrying her Rae. Here give her to me." 

Raven gently trades off Alex to Clarke. The group walks to Clarke's car in comfortable silence, careful not to wake Alex up from her deep slumber. Clarke places their baby girl in the car seat and buckles her up. Alex begins to stir awake so the blonde places a tender kiss on the girl's forehead and softly caresses her cheek while humming a quiet lullaby. Alex falls back asleep in 3o seconds flat. 

The drive home is filled with quiet whispers between Clarke and Lexa as Raven and Alex sleep in the back of the car, exhausted from today's packed schedule. Lexa finally feels at peace but she can't help but feel like she has been very selfish. She's gotten everything she's wanted and much more than she expected she would ever receive. She's getting her family back. But what about Clarke? How does Clarke feel about all of this? Lexa knows she needs to have a conversation about her father and everything else with her ex soon but not now. Not with their daughter and Raven in the back seat and Clarke's driving. No. This conversation needs to happen when they both have each other's undivided attention. 

Clarke parks the car and goes to unbuckle Alex but is stopped by Lexa sporting an unsure smile. Lexa motions to Alex, silently asking if she could unbuckle the girl and carry her upstairs. Clarke warmly smiles and moved aside for the mother of her child.

Lexa gingerly cradles Alex in her arms. The 6 year old nuzzles her face into her mommy's neck and incoherently mumbles in her sleep. Clarke itches to draw the picture perfect precious moment in front of her.

Clarke unlocks the front door of their cozy apartment as Lexa carries the sleeping child into Alex's room. The older brunette softly places Alex underneath the covers of her soccer themed blankets. Alex snuggles up against her pillow and comfortably sighs. Lexa can't take it. Her daughter is so innocent and sweet and perfect. Lexa can feel her eyes water but no tears fall. She's so happy and at ease. Her daughter brings serenity and meaning to her life that she never knew she was missing. Lexa internally swears she will never let anyone or anything touch a hair on her little princess' head. Lexa kisses the girl's cheek and gently whispers out an 'I love you Alex' before returning back to the living room where Clarke was waiting for her.

Clarke is making tea in the kitchen and has already changed into tight sleeping shorts and a revealing tank top. Lexa can tell Clarke isn't wearing a bra. Her hair is in a messy bun and her face is bare from any makeup. Lexa beams at the natural beauty in front of her with a mixture of lust and love. The older brunette's cock twitches and throbs for the blonde. Lexa clears her throat after uncomfortably shifting on her feet and subtly adjusting herself. 

Clarke turns around and her innocent smile slowly transforms into a deep red blush when she notices Lexa's eyes darting all over her body and her oh so plump lips parting in awe. Clarke can pick up on the obvious signs of arousal between the two of them. 

"I'm making some tea. Would you like some?"

"Uhm uh mhm yeah sure. Tea.. uh that sounds good."

Clarke honestly didn't mean to tease the brunette. She was just so tired and wanted to change into something more comfortable. Clarke didn't even realize the affect her change of clothes would have on Lexa..although truthfully she doesn't mind all that much.

Clarke finished pouring the hot tea and placed a cup of the sweet drink on the table for her ex lover. Lexa graciously accepted the cup and quietly moaned as the warm liquid soaked her throat. It tasted like honey and leafy sweetness. 

"Mm Clarke you always made the best tea."

"It was always my specialty, wasn't it."

Lexa nodded with her eyes closed as she drank the rest of her drink. Clarke sat on the counter and sipped her beverage, her eyes never leaving Lexa's. Clarke was unbelievably wet just from meeting Lexa's hungry eyes. And if Clarke was being really honest right now, if Lexa were to grab her waist and kiss her senselessly until her knees buckled, she would completely give in to her locked away desires. Which is exactly why Clarke is trying to keep her distance from the brunette in this moment. She could feel her resistance slipping and one more intake of Lexa's sweet yet earthy perfume would bring her walls crumbling down. 

The duo finished their drinks in record time. Their tongues are slightly numb from chugging the hot liquid. Lexa could feel a very specific part of herself getting much too excited. She needs to leave. She could feel all the blood rushing to the growing length in between her thighs. Speaking of thighs, Clarke's look so soft and inviting. Lexa can still remember sucking and placing wet kisses on her ex's soft soft creamy skin just below the blonde's sex. Ok Lexa needs to stop. She needs to stop thinking these thoughts about Clarke. It isn't right. She abandoned Clarke. She doesn't deserve to have her..even if it is just in her imagination. Lexa shakes herself from her filthy thoughts and abruptly rises from the barstool she was sitting on. Lexa would love more than anything to stay longer, to spend more time with Clarke, but she doesn't want to overstay her welcome. Clarke probably just offered her tea to be polite. 

Once Lexa gets up, Clarke let's out a breathe she doesn't realize she was holding. The blonde was getting herself so worked up thinking about the things Lexa used to do to her. Thinking about all the places they made love. Thinking about how she would let Lexa take her on this very counter if she asked. Clarke needed to stop. She's suppose to be mad at Lexa, not imagining get thoroughly fucked by her on the counter where she cooks breakfast. Clarke convinces herself that she's just feeling these things because it's been awhile since she's had sex. It has nothing to do with Lexa. Yep. Absolutely nothing. 

"I should get going. I'm sure you want to sleep. Today was amazing. Thank you for inviting me. It means a lot to me."

"Of course. It was a lot of fun. I'm glad you came. We will plan something soon. Alex keeps bragging to all her friends about how cool her 'new mommy' is."

"Do you think I'm cool too?"

Lexa smiles mischievously and Clarke pretends to be annoyed and rolls her eyes.

"You have your moments Woods."

Lexa laughs dryly as both of them walk toward the front door. To prove to herself that Lexa's presence doesn't affect her, Clarke tightly hugs Lexa. Lexa smells delicious and the heat coming off her body is so hot. Clarke wasn't fooling anybody but herself about the undeniable attraction between the pair.

It's taking all of Lexa's self control not to place an open mouthed kiss on Clarke's neck. She can feel Clarke's hard nipples poking through the scratching thin fabric of the blonde's tank top. Lexa has to repress a whimper from escaping her lips at the sensation. The older brunette can feel herself growing harder so she reluctantly leaves the warm embrace of her love. She doesn't want to make Clarke feel uncomfortable because she can't control herself. 

"Goodnight Lex."

Clarke presses a light kiss to her ex lover's cheek and Lexa swear the blonde's lips linger for a split second before she steps away.

"Y-yeah I'll see you soon. Reshop Clarke."

Lexa touched her left cheek for the rest of the night trying to figure out if she just imagined the kiss or if there's still some hope left for her second chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the couple days delay!
> 
> So yeah Clarke and Lexa are definitely feeling the heat towards the end of the chapter. Let's see where that goes though. 
> 
> Again thank you for comments and kudos!


	16. Be Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stuff happens. Enough said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it has taken me so long to update, but here's a slightly longer chapter than usual so I hope it makes up for it.
> 
> Enjoy. And again, sorry for any mistakes.

_7 years ago_

_Every couple of weeks Lexa plans a cute little adventure for her and Clarke. It’s her way of showing Clarke how much she loves her. This week Lexa decided to take Clarke for a picnic and bike riding at this trail in the country. Clarke loves the outdoors almost as much as Lexa. Lexa is very experienced hiker. She’s the epitome of the outdoorsy type. Lexa was excited to take Clarke to this trail. She always used to go here as a kid with her brother before he died._

_“Hey Babe. Can I take this blindfold off?”_

_Lexa takes one hand of the driver’s wheel presses a kiss to Clarke’s palm before interlacing her long slender fingers with Clarke’s._

_“You want to ruin the surprise?”_

_Lexa fake whines and Clarke huffs._

_“Fine but you’ll be wearing this blindfold as payback at a later date.”_

_If Clarke could see her girlfriend right now, she would see Lexa’s face turn bright red as the older girl visibly gulps at the blonde’s seductive insinuation. Clarke’s raspy voice just does things to her._

_“I don’t see that as a punishment Clarke.”_

_“Oh you just wait and see Woods.”_

_///_

_When the girls finish bike riding for two hours later they’re sweaty and spent. Clarke somehow manages to crash into a tree along the way and Lexa winds up carrying the gorgeous blonde in her arms until they reach the top of the hill where Lexa and her brother always used to go to think. Well her brother would go there to think, Lexa was so little she would just play with her dolls and soccer ball. The view is absolutely stunning. Lexa places Clarke down while she sets up the picnic and lays down the blanket. Lexa crawls over to Clarke to inspect the nasty gash on her girlfriend’s leg._

_“C’mere baby let me see that.”_

_Lexa gently examines her love’s leg with all the worry and concern in the world even though she knows very well that Clarke will be okay. Clarke probably won’t even have a scar._

_“I’m - fuck ow - I’m fine Lex.”_

_Lexa looks at Clarke incredulously._

_“You’re not fine. Let me take care of you.”_

_“There are so many other ways I would rather you take care of me.”_

_There it is again. Clarke’s raspy seductive vocal chords. This girl is going to be the death of her. Lexa leans in and kisses Clarke’s lip sweetly before pulling away to examine the younger girl’s battle wounds from bike riding._

_Lexa cleans up the cut with the mini first aid kit she keeps in her backpack whenever they do anything remotely sporty. Somehow Clarke always manages to injure herself so Lexa likes to be prepared to take care of her whenever the situation arises that Clarke trips and falls… which happens to be a lot._

_“There baby all better.”_

_Lexa bandages up Clarke’s cut and kisses her right above the injury on her knee. Clarke hums in approval so her girlfriend continues her assault of kisses up her pale thighs. The blonde throws her head back while her girlfriend moves on top of her now placing her wet lips on her lower stomach, twirling her tongue in the artist’s belly button. Lexa’s hands work to remove Clarke’s top, leaving her in just her sweaty sports bra._

_“Lex people could see us.”_

_“I’ve never seen anyone else on this hill and I’ve been coming here for years.”_

_“You’re not cumming yet Woods.”_

_“Oh? You’re cocky today.”_

_“Are you saying you doubt my abilities?”_

_“Never.”_

_Clarke has a glint of mischief in her eyes as she bites down hard on her lip to prevent a smirk from appearing on her mouth. The blonde pulls down Lexa, crashing their lips together and greedily moving her hands all over her lover’s body. Clarke squeezes Lexa’s ass as the older girl begins to grind against Clarke. Lexa sucks hard on the soft skin right below her girlfriend’s ear, causing Clarke to sign out in pleasure._

_Lexa’s hands slip under the constricting fabric of Clarke’s sports bra, squeezing and twisting her love’s sensitive nipples. Clarke’s hips buck, eager for more contact. Lexa smirks before releasing Clarke’s large perky breasts. The older girl throws her shirt off and shimmies out of her own jogging shorts before all but tearing Clarke’s tight tight shorts off of her pale creamy body._

_“Lex”_

_Clarke huskily pants out her lover’s name and Lexa swears it’s by far the sexiest thing she’s ever heard in her life._

_“Shh let me take care of you baby.”_

_Clarke nods slightly as Lexa moves down her body to her throbbing sex. Clarke just has to look at her girlfriend for a minute and she’ll already be wet. Lexa has this power over her and she never wants it to end. Before Lexa, Clarke never felt like a sexual being. She never thought she would be as insatiable as she is today, but in came Lexa Woods (pun intended) and her thoughts on sex changed overnight._

_Lexa flattened her tongue out and moved up and down exploring Clarke’s folds eagerly but still gently. With Clarke, Lexa has always been a conscious and gentle lover...unless Clarke asked for otherwise. Clarke was already so wet that Lexa groaned out in pleasure, causing vibrations to spike throughout the blonde’s core. Clarke gasps at the new sensation as one of her hands flys to Lexa’s hair, encouraging faster rougher movements. Lexa’s got the message and begins sucking hard on her swollen clit. The younger girl moans and begins a chant of breathy “oh my god yes oh my god oh my god fuck.” Lexa can tell Clarke is so close to cumming so she stops. The blonde huffs and whines at the loss of the warm mouth closing in around her clit._

_“Pl-please don’t stop Lex.”_

_“I want to feel you finish baby. Is that okay?”_

_Clarke, with flushed pink cheeks, furiously nods and leans up slightly to kiss her girlfriend passionately and sloppily. Teeth clashing together, Lexa giggles at how eager Clarke is. Truthfully, Lexa felt like she was going to explode herself soon. Her dick was so hard it was painful. Lexa took off her boxers and her cock was already leaking with precum. She guided her dick to Clarke’s entrance and began to push in, moaning loudly. Clarke dug her nails into Lexa’s lower back and wrapped her legs around Lexa, allowing the older girl to push in deeper._

_“Harder Lex.”_

_The couple was completely lost in their own world of unadulterated lust and wanton desire the thought of protection barely crossed either of their minds. Lexa began to rut harshly into the girl squirming beneath her. She was so beautiful. Lexa used one elbow to prop herself up as the other hand snaked down Clarke’s sweaty body to her clit which desperately ached for contact. Lexa rubbed soft circles and then up and down just like Clarke liked it. Clarke threw her head back on the soft blanket beneath them and came hard around Lexa’s throbbing member. Lexa shut her eyes and tightly clenched her jaw, desperately trying not to come no matter how much she wanted to. Once Clarke came down from her high Lexa could feel herself starting to spurt out cum and quickly pulled out before she fully came all over Clarke’s sex and lower stomach._

_Lexa collapsed onto Clarke’s body. Both sweaty and spent and now very sticky._

_“I’m sorry for the mess. I -”_

_Clarke pulled at Lexa’s chin and pecked her lover’s lips sweetly._

_“Don’t be sorry that was fucking hot.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Yes Lex.”_

_Lexa smugly smirked and whispered in Clarke’s ear._

_“I told you I’d take care of you.”_

_Clarke laughed out loud and looked into her favorite emerald green eyes._

_“You definitely did that.. I love you so much.”_

_“I love you too Klark.”_

_The two girls laid in each other’s arms for a few more minutes before Lexa got up and cleaned her essence off of Clarke and herself. They got dressed and Clarke cuddled into the older girl’s arms. Lexa swears she’s never felt as at peace than in that seemingly insignificant moment. Neither girls could have realized that this moment wasn't as insignificant as they initially thought as this was the moment their lives would forever change. This was the time where they joined together and made their little Alexandria._

///

Lexa wakes up a little after 8 a.m. since it was Sunday she decided she could sleep in. On weekdays even when she didn’t have work, Lexa wakes up at 5:30 a.m. for a two hour workout session. Lexa always took her fitness regime very seriously. Sundays were the only days she lets her body have the extra few hours of rest. The brunette busied herself cooking a healthy breakfast, paying her bills, and cleaning up her messy apartment. She felt very productive and motivated today after her day out with Clarke, Alex, and Raven. 

Lexa subconsciously touches her cheek again, swearing that she can still feel the faint touch of Clarke’s perfect lips pressing against her skin. Logically, she knows that there’s no way she can still feel Clarke’s touch but it’s nice to imagine. After 7 years of desperately wishing to feel Clarke’s lips against her skin once more, she’s content. More than content actually. Clarke is opening up to her.. even if it’s just a little.

Around 11 a.m. Lexa is dancing around her apartment in her underwear, blasting music and cleaning up the beer bottles littering her living room. Her phone chimes and when she realizes who has texted her, the girl’s smile is as radiant as ever.

 **[From Clarke 11:19 A.M.]** \- Hey Lex. I’m taking Alex to the park in a bit. We go every Sunday. It’s a little tradition of ours. Care to join us?

Lexa melts at her ex’s message. Clarke is inviting her to join them on one of the blonde and Alex's traditions. Lexa feels like she’s actually a part of the family and not just a third person party looking in. In that moment, Lexa feels much more complete than she has in quite some time. Lexa quickly responds with a yes and asking where and when before she throws on some shorts and a t shirt.

Clarke and Alex are already at the park when Lexa arrives. Lexa decided to walk to meet her two favorite girls because the park was literally two blocks away from her apartment. The idea that every Sunday Clarke and Alex were only two blocks away from her sends shivers down her spine and she briefly curses herself for being such a coward for 6 months. It’s 6 months she’ll never get back.

“Mommy! You came.”

Alex sprints with all her might and jumps into Lexa’s arms. Lexa catches the girl and tickles her. Clarke looks on from the swing she’s sitting on smiling at her daughter and ex lover. The sight before her warms her heart. Despite the drama of the past month or so, she’s glad Lexa is back in her and Alex’s life. Alex hangs on Lexa’s every word. It’s actually very cute. Clarke always saw the resemblances and similarities between Lexa and Alex but to see them side by side is a totally different experience. Lexa walks over to Clarke smiling with Alex on her back giggling. 

“Hey Clarke. Thanks for inviting me.”

“Of course. Long time no see Lex.”

Lexa laughed since they saw each other yesterday but Clarke meant her words.. It’s only been a few hours since the blonde has seen her ex but she missed her. It’s scary for Clarke to admit that..even if she is just admitting it to herself. Yesterday Clarke felt like they were a little family and just for the day she allowed herself to imagine what their life could have looked like if Lexa never left. And then last night when Lexa put Alex to bed it really felt like they were a little family. Clarke felt such an intense pull to Lexa. A magnetic attraction that never really left but she never allowed herself to feel again...until last night. Clarke doesn’t know what it all means and she’s not going to pretend to have the answers. All she knows is that a few days ago she was hell bent on never giving Lexa a second chance romantically and now...well now she’s not so sure.

Alex runs off to go climb the monkey bars with some of the other kids on the playground while her parents go and sit on a bench nearby. Alex can see her mommies laughing, only taking their eyes off of each other to check and make sure Alex was okay. Alex decided she loved her new mommy and she already knows she loves her mama. She wants them to be together like Jasper’s daddies. She decides that she’s going to try and get them together one way or another. Alex mischievously grins to herself before running off to the slides to play some more.

“So Lincoln and O are having a party for Bellamy’s birthday on Saturday at their old Blake lake house. I told Linc I would invite you. Lots of booze. It’s an overnight thing. There’s plenty of room for everyone. The whole gang will be there. Alex is going to stay with my mom. What do ya say? Are you in Woods?”

“Yes of course. I’d love to go. Bellamy wasn’t at that reunion a few weeks ago. How is he doing? Still dating Echo?”

“He’s good. He’s a cop now. Him and Echo ended things a few weeks into their freshman year at college.”

“Wow that was a short lived romance. Is he seeing anyone now or did he go back to his player ways?”

Lexa smirked thinking about the good ole days when Bellamy Blake was a bigger partyer and player than Lexa… and that’s saying something. He would sleep with multiple girls a week. Bellamy wasn’t a heartbreaker though. Everyone knew he wanted one thing and because of that nobody expected a text from him the next day. That was until Echo at least. Echo and him started dating in spring of their senior year. Lexa assumed that Echo was Bellamy’s Clarke, that Echo was the girl that taught him he was worthy of love. And maybe she was but now they’re done.

Clarke shifts uncomfortably on the bench a tad and pushes her hair behind her ear. Lexa wonders briefly if Clarke and Bel had a falling out of sorts because Clarke doesn’t look like she wants to talk about the older Blake.

“He’s not a player anymore. He dates here and there. Being a cop is his focus now.”

Lexa can tell that Clarke isn’t saying something but she chooses to ignore it for now. She doesn’t want to push Clarke. The duo goes back to talking about Alex for a bit before Clarke starts asking Lexa some more personal questions.

“So how’s work going at the fire station?”

Clarke has decided she wants to get to know Lexa again. Not just because she’s Alex’s other mother but because she’s Lexa Woods, her first love, her only love. If all they can be our friends after she learns about Lexa again then that’s okay too. But she has to take a step in the right direction. She can’t keep shutting Lexa out no matter how much she wants to.

Lexa is taken aback by Clarke’s curious gaze and soft question. Clarke was asking about her and it seemed to be less about making sure she’s a good role model for Alex and more about just wanting to know for herself. Lexa smiles as hope for a new tomorrow with Clarke blossoms in her chest.

“It’s pretty good actually. We haven’t lost anyone in awhile. It’s always tough when you can’t save them.”

Clarke nods understandingly because she gets that more than anyone. As an ER nurse, Clarke sees death more often than most. It’s hard to not let it affect you. 

“I know how you feel. I lost a patient a few days ago. He was 25 years old. Died from injuries he sustained working overtime at a construction site to help pay for his little sister’s college tuition. It was one of those cases you don’t forget.”

Lexa places her hand on Clarke’s bare knee as a means to soothe the younger girl. The gesture changes the air between the two girls though. The same electric charge they felt in the kitchen last night is back and both girls’ hearts our beating faster than ever.

“I’m sorry Clarke.”

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault.”

“Still. I hope you know that I’m here for you. I know my track record for being here for you is pretty shit but I plan on making it up to you...that is if you’ll let me.”

Clarke stares into Lexa’s eyes as if she’s gauging the older girl’s sincerity for what feels like forever. Lexa is about to move her hand from Clarke’s knee when the blonde places her hand on Lexa’s and joins their hands yet again. Lexa’s heartbeat picks up as she stares at their hands connect for the second time this weekend. This feels too good to be true. This feels amazing and perfect and Lexa knows she has to work much harder to gain back Clarke’s trust but at least now she feels like Clarke might be open to the idea of a ‘them’ someday.

“I think…”

Clarke closes her eyes and shakes her head subtly. Lexa knows the blonde does this when she’s frustrated and can’t figure out how to phrase what she’s feeling. The older brunette patiently although also quite nervously waits for the love of her life’s response.

“I do want to trust you Lexa. God you don’t know how much I want that. But I’m not there yet..I don’t know if I’ll ever be there but I...I’m willing to try again and give us a-”

“Lexa!”

Clarke and Lexa are startled by the interruption of their conversation. Lexa is very annoyed at whoever decided to interrupt them because she can already see Clarke shutting down in front of her eyes again. Clarke looks behind her at presumably whoever called her named and retracts her hand from Lexa’s. Lexa inwardly whimpers at the loss and turns her head to see none other than Luna Paz jogging towards them in nothing but a sports bra and running shorts. 

Luna pulls out her earbuds and brightly smiles at Lexa before looking over at Clarke curiously.

“Lexa I thought that was you!”

Lexa smiled back at Luna even though she was slightly pissed that the curly haired girl interrupted her very important conversation with Clarke. Clarke not so subtly looked Luna up and down, silently wondering how Lexa knew this half naked toned woman. She could only hope it was platonically.

“Hello Luna.”

Luna directed her attention over to the blonde standing next to Lexa. The blue eyed woman was undoubtedly gorgeous. Luna was pretty confident that Lexa was single but now she wasn’t so sure. The petite blonde was politely smiling but Luna could tell from her eyes that she was annoyed at the interruption. Still though, Luna doesn’t give up her chance with an amazing girl like Lexa Woods without a fight. If Luna found out that Lexa was dating this blonde bombshell then she would back off but if not..well then Luna would love a chance with the green eyed beauty before her.

“Hi I’m Luna. I’m good _friends_ with Lexa and we work together at the fire station. And you are?”

Luna held out her hand and Clarke smiled and shook it. 

“Clarke Griffin.”

“Nice to meet you Clarke.”

“Likewise.”

“So what brings you guys to a playground? Lexa, I never pegged you for the babysitting type.”

Clarke frowned slightly. If Luna was Lexa’s good friend, why doesn’t she know about their daughter? Clarke had a weird feeling in her stomach and she doesn’t like it one bit.

“Actually we are here with our daughter.”

Lexa pointed to little Alex sliding down the slide with another girl giggling and waving at her mommies. Luna looked back at Lexa and Clarke and tried to mask her surprise. So Lexa Woods had a kid with this blonde woman. Luna always knew Lexa was tight lipped about her personal life, she just didn’t realize how much she didn’t know.

“Oh...wow.. I uh didn’t realize you had a daughter. Lexa Woods! How could you not tell me that you had a daughter _and a girlfriend_? I’m pretty sure the Lexa Woods I know is single.”

Luna winks and looks over at the blonde for a reaction. The blonde looks pissed and Lexa looks almost impassive but Luna can tell by how Lexa’s eyes widen just a tad that she is mortified by what Luna has just said. Truth be told, if Lexa wasn’t single this whole time and was sleeping around with other women, then her girlfriend deserves to know. If not and her and this Clarke Griffin weren’t together, then all the better for Luna.

“Um I - uh we...we aren’t um -”

“What Lexa is trying to say is that we aren’t together.”

“Ahh see I knew Lexa Woods couldn’t be tamed. Well listen I’m gonna finish this run but I will see you tomorrow at work. You better come out drinking with us afterwards, I miss my drinking buddy. You’re always the life of the party when you come out and play.”

Lexa is fuming when Luna throws her another wink and pecks her cheek before sprinting off. She kissed her cheek. The same cheek Clarke had kissed last night. The older brunette didn’t get tingles when Luna kissed her as Clarke did a few hours prior. Not anything remotely close. Lexa is afraid to look over at Clarke. Surely the girl misinterpreted Luna’s flirty behavior. Shit. This was really bad. Lexa felt everything around her crumbling. She isn’t sure what Clarke was about to say to her before Luna interrupted them but she is almost 100 percent sure it wasn’t bad news. She could tell by looking into Clarke’s piercing blue eyes that she had hope too. But now. Now she doesn’t know.

Clarke feels stupid. She remembers what Lexa was like before they got together. She partied hard and slept around...a lot. Luna basically just confirmed that Lexa and her were _something_. Clarke’s head was swirling around with assumptions and images of Lexa and Luna together. Clarke doesn’t want to assume things but how could she not? Luna was blatantly flirting with Lexa and was very handsy, not to mention that kiss on the cheek. Clarke wonders if they’ve slept together. No. Clarke refuses to go there. It was naive to think that Lexa and her would ever work again.

“Clarke I’m so sorry about that Luna just erm doesn’t have a filter. Can we go back to the conversation we were having before?”

“It’s okay Lexa. You don’t owe me an explanation. You can be with whoever you want. I think it's about time I take Alex home for lunch.”

“No wait! Clarke please!”

Clarke gets up off the bench and starts walking towards Alex when Lexa gently grabs her wrist, spinning her around. Clarke, being the clumsy human she is, stumbles a bit and falls into Lexa. Both girls falls half on the bench half on the hard concrete. Lexa tightly holds onto Clarke and maneuvers them so that she takes the brunt of the fall. Clarke quickly moves off of her and starts checking Lexa for any injuries. Lexa laughs at Clarke’s nurse mode kicking in. Alex sees her mommies on the floor and runs over to save the day.

“Mama! Mommy! You okay?!”

“Clarke helps Lexa up as she dusts herself off.

“Yes Alex, me and your mama are fine. Don’t worry Princess.”

Lexa sits on the bench and winces in pain just a tad. Any other person wouldn’t notice Lexa’s discomfort, but any other person isn’t Clarke Griffin.

“Turn around Woods.”

“What? Clarke I’m telling you I’m fine.”

“And I’m telling you to turn around.”

“Klark.”

“Lexa.”

Alex whispers in Lexa’s ear.

“If I were you mommy, I would listen to mama. That’s her sewious [serious] voice.”

Lexa chuckles slightly and finally gives in. Clarke gasps slightly when she sees the fresh bleeding cuts littering Lexa’s legs. Alex is overwhelmed by the red liquid dripping on her mommy’s legs. The only other time she’s seen that much blood was when Auntie Raven let her watch that scary movie secretly.

“MAMA! MOMMY IS HURT. PLEASE DON’T LET HER DIE. TAKE HER TO 911.”

Alex starts crying and Lexa and Clarke feel their heart break a little for the girl as both of them. The two adults are trying so hard not to laugh at Alex's overdramatic reaction because Lexa’s cuts are not life threatening nor serious in any capacity. But hey, their little girl is 6 years old and Clarke will admit there is a decent amount of blood on Lexa’s legs.

“Aw Princess I’m fine. I promise I’m not going anywhere okay?”

“Pwomise?”

“I promise.”

Alex sniffles a bit as Lexa bends down and wipes away her tears. Clarke bends down as well and envelops their little girl in her arms. Clarke peppers kisses all over Alex’s face until their daughter giggles and forgets all about her worries and tear stained cheeks.

“Mama stoppit stoppit.”

Clarke stops her assault of kisses and cups Alex’s cheeks who is catching her breath from all her laughing.

“Baby your mommy is fine. I take care of hurt people for a living, I know these things. Okay?”

“Okay mama.”

“Oh and Alex.. if you’re mommy was hurt we would take her to the hospital or _call_ 911\. We don’t take her to 911, that’s a phone number sweetie.”

Lexa bursted out laughing at Clarke’s words. Alex was so adorable. Clarke laughs a little as well before picking Alex up and grabbing Lexa’s hand. Lexa is confused but decides to go along with it.

“Clarke..where are we going?”

“You’re bleeding Lexa. Let me take care of you.”

“Clarke you don’t have to do that. I’m fine.”

Ignoring Lexa’s words, Clarke places Alex in her car seat and buckles her up before popping the trunk of her car and grabbing her first aid kit. Clarke gives Alex her phone and the six year old pops in some earphones and starts watching some Disney show on Netflix. Clarke silently motions for Lexa to sit on the seat with the towel laid out so that she doesn’t get blood everywhere. Lexa says that her apartment is only two blocks away so Clarke drives them to the older girl’s address. All three of them climbs up the stairs. Lexa turns on the TV for Alex and gives her some orange juice she had in her fridge. Lexa leads Clarke into her bedroom and Clarke silently motions for Lexa to lay flat on her stomach. Clarke takes out her first aid kit she had in her car and begins to clean up Lexa’s cuts.

“This is ridiculous I’m fine.”

Clarke leans over Lexa’s body and whispers in the older brunette’s ear.

“Let me take care of you like you used to take care of me please.”

Lexa gulps and shakily nods her head. Clarke hums while she does her work. Lexa doesn’t even make a sound when Clarke pours the rubbing alcohol on her open wounds. They aren’t deep at all. Just a series of scrapes. Clarke is positive they won’t even leave a scar. The blonde nurse puts bandages on the bigger cuts and cleans up the wrappers.

“All done.”

Lexa, who is now weak in the knees for a whole other reason, slowly gets up from the bed. Lexa and Clarke are now standing a mere few inches from one another. They’re so close they can feel each other’s breath mixing.

“Thank you Klark.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“Clarke listen Luna and I are nothing more than friends. I don’t know why I feel the need to tell you that but I do. I know you’re not ready and you might never be but I just want you to know that I’m waiting for you. Nobody will compare to you.”

Clarke breaks their gaze and looks to the floor to hide her watery eyes. Damnit. She promised herself she would never cry in front of Lexa Woods again and here she is doing just that. Bravely, Lexa takes a step forward and presses their foreheads together while softly wiping Clarke’s tears away.

“Don’t cry.” Lexa gently whispers, feeling her own tears coming.

Clarke is trying so hard to ignore the erratic beating of her heart. After meeting Luna, she’s positive that being with Lexa again will only break her heart. She knows Lexa would never cheat, that’s not the issue. The issue is that Clarke never thought she was good enough for Lexa. Even when they were kids. Clarke was wildly insecure that Lexa would one day get up and leave her for someone better. After a while those fears dissipated as their love grew. But then one of her biggest fears came to pass. Lexa left her. How does Clarke know that Lexa won't find someone better than her? What if that person is Luna? The blonde doesn’t want to hold her ex lover back. 

They’re different people from when they were teenagers. Clarke still has trust issues and as long as that’s an issue, they could never be together. So no matter how much Clarke wants to kiss Lexa right now, she knows she can’t. She has to think of her daughter.. and for once she has to think of herself. She can’t take another hurricane Lexa barrelling through her life, destroying everything she’s built (including the walls around her heart).

Clarke’s eyes are tightly shut as the younger girl focuses on steadying her breathing as a last ditch effort to stop the tears from flowing so freely. Lexa cups ex’s cheeks and quietly whispers to Clarke.

“Open your eyes Klark.”

Clarke opens her eyes slowly. When she sees Lexa’s emerald green pools emanating such love and sadness she knows she’s a goner. Every fear she has no longer is in the front of her mind. Every reason for staying away from Lexa Woods escapes her.

Lexa follows Clarke’s eyes, which land on her lips. Lexa desperately wants to kiss her love once more. She’s not sure how Clarke will react but she realizes this might be her only shot. It’s not perfect timing. Their daughter is watching some kid show one room away. Her legs are stinging from the rubbing alcohol Clarke doused her scrapes with a few minutes ago. And they’re both crying. It’s nowhere near perfect but it feels right. Lexa leans in, her plump lips ghosting over Clarke’s. It’s now or never, she tells herself.

Clarke knows she shouldn’t do this but for the life of her she can’t remember why. When Lexa leans in, the blonde loses all self control and tenderly presses her lips against Lexa’s. The kiss is racked with almost a decade’s worth of a emotions. Both girls are now sobbing. Clarke is sucking hard on Lexa’s lip as the older girl tangles her hands in Clarke’s blonde soft wavy hair. Clarke grabs at Lexa’s waist pulling her impossibly closer. The kiss like that for a few more minutes until Lexa gently nudges Clarke’s nose with her own, changing positions of the kiss. Right before their lips meet again, Clarke takes a step back. It takes a minute for Lexa to realize Clarke has broken the kiss but once she notices the distance between them, her green eyes flutter open and fill to the brim with confusion and dejection. 

Lexa feels defeated and rejected. Clarke must not have felt it. She must not have felt the undeniable pull Lexa had. What if Clarke didn’t feel the same explosion of emotions Lexa did when they kissed for the first time after being apart for so many years? What if Clarke didn’t like it? What if Clarke didn’t love her anymore? The tears began to flow again. Clarke pulled at Lexa’s chin so that green met blue.

“Look at me Lex. I’m not ready to be with you..”

Lexa broke their gazes and sadly nodded with her eyes focused on her feet.

“Not yet. I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know what to feel. I need time to figure this all out. I don’t expect you to wait for me. I know you said you would but I don’t want you to. You deserve better than that.”

“Klark I love you.”

Clarke gasped and shook her head, trying to choke back the sob she felt coming.

“Lexa please don’t.”

“Don’t what? The only thing I have left is the truth. I love you. I fucking love you. I love the dimple right above your lip. I love your eyes because even when you shut down on me I know what you’re feeling thanks to those gorgeous blue eyes. I love how modest you are. You are always the first to compliment someone and the last one to accept praise about yourself. I love your laugh. Not the laugh reserved for coworkers and acquaintances. No. I’m talking about that loud cackle that causes you to shake to your very core. I love the sounds you make when I make you cum. I love how furiously you just blushed when I said the word ‘cum.’ I love how kind and compassionate you are. I love how understanding you have been since I’ve come back in your life. I love how amazing you are of a mother to our daughter. I love you Clarke Griffin. You might not feel the same way anymore and if that’s the truth, I’ll wholeheartedly respect that.. But I can’t lie anymore and say I don’t love you because lying about loving you would be the second worst thing I’ve ever done in my life..and as you know, I’ve done some shit things. I’m going to wait for you because I want to. And if the day never comes where you’re willing to give me a second chance then that’s okay too. I just know in my heart that there’s nobody out there that will compare to you and I won’t try and fool myself into believing otherwise.”

“Lex..I - I don’t know what to say. I -”

“Shh you don’t have to say anything. There’s no pressure here. Take the time you need to figure out what you feel.”

Clarke nods and starts to turn towards the door when she turns back around just as suddenly and throws her arms around Lexa. Lexa, shocked by the surprise but not unwelcomed embrace, takes a second or two to finally hug back. Clarke whispers in her ear.

“Thank you Lex.”

“I should be the one thanking you for helping fix me up.”

Lexa lightly jokes to ease the intense air in the room. Lexa inhales deeply. Clarke’s hair smells like paint and linens just like it always did. Clarke must have been painting earlier today.

“I was just returning the favor for all the times you took care of me.”

Clarke then presses her lips hard to Lexa’s cheek before walking away and not looking back. Alex popped in the room and hugged her mommy goodbye, completely oblivious to the obvious tension in the room. Then Lexa’s two favorite girls in the world left and the apartment was silent except for Lexa’s deafeningly loud thoughts. She had no clue what any of this meant. She knew she was going to overanalyze this so she decided to pop in the shower before calling Lincoln to ask for his opinion. Lexa was so emotionally exhausted before today but fuck Clarke Griffin’s lips on her shocked her alive once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So bam they kissed. Lots more angst and fluff coming their way. What do you guys think so far?
> 
> Oh and question: I'm thinking about cutting out the Anya/Raven story plot. Either way, it won't affect the plot that much. What do ya'll think?
> 
> Thanks for all the comments and kudos btw ! :))


	17. Teenage Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke, Octavia, and Raven discuss the kiss. Lexa and Lincoln gush as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning on making this a little longer but I got a comment that it was someone's birthday today and would love an update so I figured I would post what I have (so Happy Birthday Stacey haha)

Clarke drove home from Lexa’s in complete silence. Alex was in the back singing along to the tunes on the radio. Alex was happy she spent the days with her mommies and was already thinking of different ways to get them together. Little did she know, Clarke and Lexa didn’t need all that much of a push in that direction. Clarke was mortified by her actions. How could she have kissed Lexa? Damnit. Whenever she is around the older brunette all logic is thrown out the window. Being so close to Lexa again turned her brain to mush. Clarke loved kissing Lexa again...more than she thought she would and that scared her. Sure, she knew Lexa was a great kisser but the emotional undertone that consumed her very being still has her whole body tingling. Clarke didn’t know what hit her. She’s proud of herself for stopping the kiss before it escalated. Lexa’s lips on hers were like a drug and Clarke was addicted. This was her first fix in over 7 years and it wasn’t good. In simple terms, Clarke Griffin was fucked.

When Clarke and Alex got home, Raven and Octavia and Lincoln were cooking (mainly Lincoln) in the kitchen. Sangria being drank (mostly by Raven) and music flowing. It was exactly the kind of relaxing atmosphere Clarke needed after the emotionally draining events that just took place. Alex ran up and hugged her two aunties and uncle before running into her room to get ready for lunch and then her soccer practice.

“Hey Clarkey! How was the park?”

Raven was awfully chipper for a Sunday afternoon but that was probably the sangria talking. Octavia poured Clarke a glass and Clarke politely shook her head. Although she could certainly use a drink right about now, she tried to make it a rule not to drink much in front of Alex.

“It was good.”

Clarke was being tightlipped. Something was off, Octavia could tell. Raven, who was slightly tipsy, also sensed that there was something Clarke wasn’t saying. Their blonde best friend was too quiet, almost withdrawn. Only speaking when questions were directly asked to her. Octavia and Raven shared a knowing glance. Lexa. They know that Clarke invited Lexa to the park. This morning Raven saw Clarke bouncing around as usual, happy. But now. Now something was definitely wrong.

The lunch consisted of Alex (and coincidentally Lexa’s) favorite, fish tacos. Alex was happily going on and on about her day at the park with her mommies. Octavia was closely watching Clarke’s facial expressions as if they held the meaning of life. In the middle of lunch, Lincoln got a phone call during the lunch but he silenced it and went back to mindlessly eating. He would call Lexa back later when he left Clarke’s. He noticed that the blonde was acting funny and now that Lexa called him instead of texting (which she never does) his suspicions were confirmed. Something must have happened between the pair.

After lunch, Clarke helped Alex put on her shin guards, soccer socks, and cleats. Alex kissed her mommy goodbye and went off to practice excitedly with her Uncle and coach, Lincoln, as she always did. In the six year old’s mind, everything in her life was perfect right now and that was enough for Clarke to keep it all together..at least until Alex left for practice.

As soon as Lincoln and Alex were out the door, Octavia wordlessly handed Clarke a big glass of sangria. The blonde downed the drink in a minute’s time and went for seconds.

“Whoa Clarke. I haven’t seen you chug liquor like that since before Alex was born. What’s wrong? And don’t you even try to lie to me.”

“We kissed.”

Octavia’s mouth was on the floor in an instant. Raven wanted to hysterically laugh at her best friend’s reaction. Truthfully, Raven was just as surprised as Octavia at how fast things were progression between Clarke and Lexa but she didn’t let it show in her face..until like some other people currently sitting at the kitchen counter.

“You and Lexa?”

“No me and Lincoln... Yes me and Lexa.”

“Okay okay I’m sorry I’m just a little shocked.”

“No I’m sorry I’m being a bitch.”

“It’s okay Clarkey. You’re allowed to be angry.”

“I’m not angry. I’m - I don’t know - confused? I’m confused.”

“You’re allowed to be confused.”

Clarke just shook her head and drank some more sangria. Octavia and Raven shared a look and this time is was Raven’s turn to talk to the blonde. Raven was always much more calm in these type of situations. Whereas, Octavia was controlled by her emotions.

“You don’t have to tell us what happened today if you don’t want to. We won’t push you, but just know we are here for you.”

Clarke opened her eyes and nodded before loudly exhaling.

“At the amusement park I felt like we were a family. She held my hand for a second to show me something and I didn’t want to let go. It felt right. So I held onto her hand a little longer. Then when we went home and Rae went into her room, there was a moment between us. She put Alex to bed and it just all felt so real. I - I felt like this was what our life could have been like if she never left. I wanted to kiss her so bad… well actually if I’m being honest I wanted to do a lot more than kiss her.”

Raven giggled and Octavia elbowed her and wordlessly encouraged Clarke to continue. God Raven had such a one track mind...well a two track mind if you include booze...and food. Okay so a three track mind. Clarke pretended to be annoyed at the childish laughter but nevertheless continued.

“I tried to convince myself that it’s been awhile. That it had nothing to do with her. But it did. The next morning I missed her. I dreamt about her that night. I dreamt about how we used to cuddle up on the hammock in my old backyard and fall asleep looking at the stars. I dreamt about our first drunken kiss and how I threw up all over her shoes shortly after. I realized I’ve missed her for 7 years guys and it’s just too much to see her but not be able to touch her. So when we were at the park I tried to tell her that I know she fucked up but maybe we can explore what we mean to each other again - _slowly_. I tried to tell her that and then this sweaty gorgeous bitch with fucking abs came running up to her flirting and touching her. She even kissed her on the cheek. And it made my blood boil. I have no right to be mad but I was. And I couldn’t take it. I felt all my insecurities that I have tried so hard to push down come to the surface so I ran. Or at least I tried to run but she wouldn’t let me. I stumbled into her and she fell on her ass into the concrete.”

“I would have paid to see Woods fall on her ass.” Octavia mumbled. Clarke glared at her and Octavia put her hands up in mock surrender.

“Anyways, the back of her legs got all fucked up and bloody so I took her back to her place and cleaned her up like she used to do for me whenever my clumsy ass would fall. I started cry. I felt like like an idiot and then she started crying. We were both blubbering like babies and then we kissed and everything stopped for a moment..I think even my heart. I wanted more. I needed more. I could feel myself slipping and that was scary because last time I fell for Lexa Woods I was left heartbroken and alone. So I pushed her away. Then in typical Lexa fashion, she proclaimed her love for me in the most fucking endearing way. Her words made my heart skip two beats and my stomach flutter. She loves me guys and I can’t let myself love her back because she left me. Now I’m stuck here confused because I know she is the one for me but is that enough? I don’t think it is. I don’t know. And I just complicated everything and god Alex can’t have her hopes up and -”

“Clarke! Sweetie you’re ranting now.”

“Yeah you’re right I’m sorry I just wish I didn’t kiss her. I wish I was over her. Everything would be so much easier.”

“But you’re not?”

“Not what?”

“Over her?”

Clarke finished off her sangria and sighed loudly before massaging her temples. She felt a massive headache coming on and it wasn’t from the alcohol now coursing through her veins.

“I convinced myself I was over her for a long time because I needed to. She was gone and I never thought she was coming back. Now that she’s back though...ugh god I don’t know.”

“It’s okay you don’t have to know sweetie.”

“It's not fair to Lexa to give her hope when there might not be any though.”

“Clarke. Lexa is a big girl and you told her you're confused. You told her the truth. Now just worry about yourself.”

“I don't even know where to start.”

“Well you can start by drinking some more sangria with us and telling us all the dirty deets about that kiss. Was their tongue?!”

“Raven!” Both Octavia and Clarke playfully yelled at their overly sexual best friend in unison. 

///

Lincoln and Bellamy, the assistant coach, started the kids off easy with some shooting practice. Lincoln had two missed calls from Lexa, which worried him a tad. Lincoln asked Bell to take over the practice for a few minutes and Lincoln hopped in his car for some privacy to talk to his best friend about whatever has Clarke upset.

“Hey Lexa. Everything good?”

“Hey Linc. Everything's great actually.”

“Yeah? Cause Clarke seemed a little off when she came home.”

“She did? What did she say?”

Lexa was a little nervous. She knows this is all a lot to take in and so fast too. She's not stupid she knows she has a _long_ way to go with Clarke. But she's happy that there's at least a small chance Clarke might want to pursue something with her again someday.

“Nothing. I just got a vibe. Did something happen with you guys today?”

“Uh yeah that's why I called you actually. We kissed.”

Lucky for Lincoln, he wasn't with Lexa so she couldn't see his face, which had complete shock written on it. He thought that maybe someday the two girls would work it out but he thought that was a long time away…if ever. He saw Clarke struggle with Lexa’s absence for years. This seemed so impulsive, so unlike Clarke. But then again if anyone was going to throw Clarke Griffin off her axis, it would be Lexa Woods.

“Linc? You still there?”

“Oh yeah sorry just processing what you said.”

Lexa nervously laughed.

“It took me by surprise too. I planned on giving her all the space she needed but then we were so close and it was too much.”

“Did she kiss you or did you kiss her?”

“I don't even know. We were both leaning in and it just happened. We kissed for a few minutes until she pulled away. She said she wasn't ready.”

“I'm sorry Lex.”

“No it's okay. I understand. I'm going to give her all the time in the world to figure out what she wants and I'll respect whatever her decision is.”

“Yeah give Clarke time and she'll figure it out. I'm really happy for you though. Even if it doesn't work out, I'm proud you put it all on the line.”

“Yeah me too.”

“Sooooo… How was the kiss?”

Lexa laughed at Lincoln as he pressed for details like a high school girl talking to her friends about her first kiss. That's why Lexa loves Lincoln. He was such an adorable teddy bear.

“It was..god it was electric. It was raw and desperate but sweet and cautious at the same time. It made me feel truly alive for the first time in a long time. God Lincoln I can't even put it into words. If that was the last time my lips were to ever touch Clarke’s, then at least it was perfect. It was everything to me.”

“Wow well Griffin must be a good kisser. Maybe I should give her a go.”

“Em pleni you dumbass.”

Lexa laughed. Lincoln was clearly trying to ease the intensity of the conversation. He is a good friend. He keeps Lexa grounded.

“You love me.”

“Yeah yeah.”

“Oh by the way did Clarke invite you to Bell’s birthday party?”

“She did actually. You sure it’s okay if I come?”

“Yes of course. Octavia sent out the invitations months ago. It’s going to be a pretty big get together but only about 15 of us are staying all weekend.”

“And you guys wanted me to be one of those 15 to stay all weekend?”

“Of course Lexa. You’ll always be part of the family. Time and distance couldn’t change that very fact.”

Lexa felt her eyes get watery. All she wanted as a kid was to have a family. She didn't realize it when she was 18 years old, but Clarke and the rest of them were her family. She knew Clarke was her family, but she didn't know that the the high school click she grew up with would still hold such an important place in her heart. Lexa is starting to finally feel accepted again, a feeling that was very foreign to her. Truthfully, Lexa was a lonely child. She had Anya and Lincoln, but until Clarke, Lexa felt hollow and empty. And then Clarke Griffin came along and warmed her heart. The blonde allowed her to open her eyes and her heart and let people love her. When she left, she closed off again. She thought her heart had shriveled up and died. Now that she's back though, she realizes her heart was always in Polis with the family she left in her wake.

“Thank you Linc. You don’t know how much that means to me.”

“Don’t mention it. You’re my sister and the mother of my favorite little niece. I love you. I gotta go back to coaching Alex’s soccer practice. I’ll see you Saturday.”

“Love you too. See you soon.”

///

“Whoa Clarkey is really downing that sangria like nobody’s business.”

Raven and Octavia giggle at Clarke’s drunken antics. The blonde hasn’t been this loose in years. Octavia, Raven, and Clarke haven’t really all gotten drunk and stupid together since high school - well except for that night Clarke met Niylah. They already know they all are going to have killer hangovers tomorrow.

“Shh leave me alooooone. I am emotionally dis-distraut.”

Clarke burps midsentence and almost falls off her chair in surprise. Her two best friends laugh like hyenas.

“I feel you on that one girl. I’ve been sleeping with that redhead for two months and now she wants to take me as her plus one to her sister’s wedding! That screams commitment and we are just having some fun. I made that very clear.”

“Raven you should go! Ophelia is a really nice girl. You don’t know, a year from now you could be going to my wedding with Ophelia at your side if you play your cards right.”

Octavia excitedly talks and claps her hands like a seal. Ever since she’s gotten engaged, she’s been trying to set up Raven with ‘respectable’ boys and girls who she could see her best friend settling down with. Raven snorts and looks over to Clarke for advice. The blonde’ eyes are glazed over and she’s smiling at the wall with a shit eating grin on her face. It looks like Raven isn’t going to get any good advice tonight.

After some more drinking and laughing, the girls start talking about Bell’s party. Octavia starts ranting about how she has to pick up the catering from Grounders and her dress from the dry cleaners and the liquor and the party decorations. Clarke feels bad Octavia has so many errands to run this week, so in her drunken stupor the blonde offers to go with Octavia to pick up the catering and party decorations. Raven then offers to pick up the alcohol and warns her friends to be prepared to get “shit faced.”

“So Clarkey, did you invite Leksa to Bell’s party?”

“Yuuup! You know..Lexa has such pretty eyes. I always get so lost in them.”

“God Clarke when did you become such a lightweight? We should really cut you off right about now.”

“Yeah maybe but you won’t.”

“Very true. It’s rare that drunk Clarke comes out to play.”

Clarke’s smile quickly morphs into a frown. 

“That’s what Luna said to Lexa.” Clarke mumbles.

“What?”

“Luna said to Lexa ‘You’re always the life of the party when you come out and play.’ Stupid bitch.”

Clarke mimics Luna’s prissy voice too. Clarke doesn’t like the vibes she got from Luna. Lexa’s coworker seemed very...territorial of Lexa. Almost like she was staking her claim. Lexa may have said there’s nothing going on between her and Luna but that doesn’t mean that Luna sees it that way. Yeah drunk irrational Clarke has decided she doesn’t like Luna one bit.

“Is Luna the one who was hitting on Lexa right in front of you earlier?”

“That’s the one.”

“Man she sounds very _forward_. Do you think her and Woods have boned?”

“Raven!”

Octavia scolds Raven. When the girl got drunk, she was more blunt than usual. Unfortunately when her filter was completely off, she had the very bad habit of upsetting people.

“What? I’m sorry but it totally sounds like -”

Raven follows Octavia’s gaze to Clarke, who looks awfully shook up and pissed off, and realizes she’s fucked up. 

“Oh shit I’m sorry Clarke. I’m sure they haven’t. Lexa loves you. I don’t even know what I’m saying right now. I’ve had too much sangria and I -”

Clarke waves her hand in the air, signaling Raven to stop with her thoughtful rambling apology. 

“It’s fine really. Lexa said her and Luna are just friends. Luna just got on my nerves. I don't know why.”

“Because you were jealous honey.”

“But I had no right to be jealous that’s the thing. It’s been years. I don’t like to think about it but I’m sure she’s been with loads of people since me. I’ve been with a few people as well so I have no right.”

“You are allowed to be jealous of some woman hitting on the ex you may or may not be still hung up on right in front of you. Lexa would be jealous if the roles were reverse.”

“I guess. I just - fuck - I don’t even know if I can ever be with her again so she shouldn’t shut down other people’s advances while I figure it out.”

“Clarke...c'mon. Think logically. You’re telling me you’d be okay with Lexa sleeping with this Luna person or some other girl while you figure out your feelings?”

Clarke’s blood boils at the thought of Lexa sleeping with someone else. She doesn’t want to imagine that. It very well might be the alcohol, but Clarke suddenly feels sick to her stomach. 

“No I wouldn’t be okay with it.”

“Finally you’re being a little honest with yourself… baby steps.”

“This situation is just fucked, isn’t it?”

“Maybe. But hey at least we have each other and unlimited sangria right?”

“Sounds like heaven to me.”

The three girls continuing drinking and shoving their faces with carbs a little longer. When Alex and Lincoln get home later, the best friend trio are knocked out on the couch watching an episode of Shameless. Lincoln laughs at the girls in front of him and carries them one by one onto Clarke’s bed. Lincoln and Alex spend the rest of the day cooking and singing and dancing. Alex giggles with her Uncle Lincoln as they draw silly stuff on Auntie Raven, the self proclaimed queen prankster. Lincoln decides not to wake up his fiancee and two close friends. He knows they had a much needed girls day and were tired out. Clarke is always taking care of Alex, and rarely herself. She needs some rest and so does Raven and Octavia. They can be responsible tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking of starting a fic of one shot prompts so if you have any ideas feel free to send them to my tumblr (http://clexainparadise.tumblr.com/)
> 
> I've gotten some comments on Bellamy and Clarke. You'll have to wait a few chapters to figure that one out but I will tell you that if you look in the chapter 8, there's a quick hint there.
> 
> Don't worry I know I said there's going to be angst and there will be, but Clarke and Lexa are in love. So if I were you, I wouldn't worry too much about the other characters seemingly standing in there way. The biggest obstacle right now is each other and their past, which will be explored in detail soon enough.
> 
> Enjoy! Thank you for the comments and kudos. I would love to answer all the comments but there are so many and I don't have as much free time as I would like. I'm reading all of them though and I love hearing all of your opinions I swear. This story is getting much more attention that I ever anticipated so thank you so much. Love you all.


	18. Never Forget You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa reminisces about her and Bell's friendship. Clarke and Octavia run errands. Clarke, Lexa, and Alex have a family dinner.
> 
> Trigger Warning: Brief mentions of depression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly longer chapter after the shorter last chapter. As usual, sorry for any mistakes! Enjoy :)

The next few days go by in a blur. Lexa and Clarke exchange texts daily mainly about Alex. On Thursday, Lexa goes with Lincoln and Clarke to Alex’s soccer practice. The kids love her. It only makes Clarke’s heart melt more. The two girls are surrounded by people the whole time so they have no time to talk about the kiss, not that Lexa was going to bring it up. Lexa means what she said. She isn’t going to pressure Clarke. If her ex wants time and patience, then that’s exactly what she would give her. Lexa has said her piece. She won’t force her feelings on Clarke. It’s torture, but the older brunette will wait it out. 

After practice, Alex asks her mama if Lexa can come over for dinner tomorrow night. Clarke of course agrees, eager to spend more time with her ex lover to figure out her feelings. The dinner is set for 6:30 p.m. 

Lexa doesn’t have work Friday so she goes out to buy a gift for Bellamy’s birthday party tomorrow. She’s perusing through the aisles of a department store when she comes across a tshirt that says “World’s Biggest Player.” 

_8 Years Ago_

_Bellamy comes stumbling out of Murphy’s bedroom with a gorgeous tan brunette college student named Costia Jennings. Costia was a senior when Lexa and Bellamy were freshman. She was the most popular girl of the senior class hands down. Now, the older girl goes to Polis U and occasionally comes to Murphy’s parties. Murphy's parties were known around town so even college kids would drop in and party all night._

_Costia was Lexa’s first, but certainly not last. Back then, Lexa was in her ‘love is weakness’ stage. Even as a freshman, Lexa was an enigma. She was the cool kid that nobody really knew but everyone wanted to. Lexa dragged Lincoln to their first party a few weeks into their freshman year and Costia was there. Lexa drank a little and flirted a lot with the senior. Costia was taken back by the girl’s tenacity. An hour later, the pair was having sex in the bathroom. They had sex from time to time at parties but it was never anything beyond that. Costia wasn’t looking for a relationship and neither was Lexa...until Clarke that is._

_Clarke and Lexa have been dating for about a year now. Initially, it was quite intimidating for Clarke that her girlfriend was with a substantial amount of people before her. However, after a year of dating, Clarke is more than secure with her and Lexa’s relationship. She knows all about Lexa’s escapades including her first Costia. It still bothered her a little but as soon as she sees Lexa’s loving gaze directed at her, any feelings of insecurity wash away. Lexa Woods loves her and she loves her right back._

_Bellamy approaches them with a shit eating grin on his face as he sits down on the couch across from the couple, chugging a cool beer._

_“Hey Woods. Clarkey looks like she’s had a fair share to drink tonight.”_

_Lexa has her arm protectively around her girlfriend’s waist as Clarke snuggles deeper into the crook of her neck, half asleep mumbling incoherently. Clarke is clingy when she was drunk and admittedly Lexa loves every minute of it. Her girlfriend is just too cute for words._

_“I leave her for one minute and she’s doing tequila shots with O. The Blakes are bad influences.”_

_Bellamy laughs and nods. It is true. The Blakes are wild partiers. Murphy approaches them looking annoyed as usual._

_“Hey man, did you screw Jennings in my bed again?”_

_Lexa and Bellamy laugh. Bellamy always hooks up with someone in Murphy’s bed just to mess with his best friend. It's all in good fun though. Murphy gets pissed for a second and then forgets about it a minute later when a pretty girl walks by._

_“Of course he did Murph. Would you expect any less from the ‘World’s Biggest Player?’ Although I have to say all he seems to be doing is picking up my leftovers.”_

_Murphy screams a “damn she flamed you Blake.” Bellamy laughs and playfully throws a pillow at Lexa. He was shitfaced a while back and proclaimed he was the ‘World’s Biggest Player’ and nobody will let him live it down now. Bellamy has always had a friendly rivalry with Lexa in just about anything. One of those things used to be picking up girls. That was before her and Clarke got together and started mushing face every five minutes though._

_“Hey hey precious cargo here. Watch where you aim that pillow Blake.”_

_Lexa swats away the pillow before it would have softly hit her sleeping girlfriend. Clarke stirs for a minute. Lexa kisses her temple and pushes the blonde hair on Clarke’s face behind her ears. The blonde falls back asleep rather quickly, safe in her girlfriend’s arms._

_“My bad wouldn’t want to wake sleeping beauty over there.”_

_“Trying to charm my girlfriend Blake? Not gonna work sorry.”_

_Lexa laughs, shaking her head and sipping her drink._

_“I don’t know Woods we’ll have to see about that. Like you said I do like your leftovers.”_

_Bellamy smirks. He’s just messing around and him and Lexa both know it._

_“Oh shove it. You’re such an asshole.”_

_Lexa jokingly throws the pillow at Bellamy, spilling his drink all over his shirt once he’s hit. The surrounding crowd bursts out into laughter, effectively waking Clarke up._

_“Mm Lex?”_

_“Hey baby. How are you feeling? Want some water?”_

_Clarke sleepily nods and slowly gets up, leaning most of her weight on her girlfriend. Bellamy jokingly winks at Clarke and then knowingly grins at Lexa. Lexa shakes her head and playfully whispers back “never gonna happen.”_

_Bellamy was just kidding to get a rise out of his friend. He never would try to put the moves on the blonde. Clarke has been one of his best friends since they were kids and Lexa was becoming like a sister to him. He would never want to hurt either of them by pursuing Clarke. Not that Clarke would get with him anyways. Clarke and Lexa were in love and nobody was getting in the way of that. If only the naives teens realized back then how much life was going to change in the next few years for all of them._

///

The t shirt made her chuckle to herself. It reminded Lexa of their young high school days when Bellamy was a player. Truthfully, Bellamy was just like Lexa. He didn’t think he deserved love. Lexa saw the similarities between them. She understood the older Blake. Perhaps that’s why they became such good friends. She was excited to see Bell again. 

Lexa bought the shirt as a joke gift along with an overpriced bottle of whiskey. Bell was a big whiskey fan if she remembered correctly. Since this weekend was suppose to be a party, she figured it would be the perfect gift..especially for a Blake.

///

Clarke is nervous and excited for her dinner with Lexa and Alex later. Raven’s working late so it would just be the three of them. Clarke goes about her day as usual. She comes home around 7 a.m. from the night shift. She wakes her baby girl up, makes her some oatmeal and walks her to school before falling asleep until 1 p.m. When Clarke wakes up, she has 3 texts from Octavia asking her when she could come swing by the cafe to pick her up and help out with Bell’s birthday party errands. 

Clarke showers, gets dressed, and leaves the house to start the day running errands with the younger Blake. 

“Hey Clarkey. Thanks for helping me out! We should get the party supplies first. Then go grab the food from Grounders. Sounds good?”

“Sounds good to me O.”

After singing a long to a few songs on the radio, the two girls start to exchange small talk.

“So what did you get my brother for his birthday? I mean nothing can top what you gave him last year.”

Octavia winks at the blonde who shakes her head, wearing a playful scowl on her face.

“Wow you’re an ass O. You’ll never let a girl live that down will ya?”

Octavia laughs and playfully nudges Clarke’s shoulder from the passenger seat.

“I’m just messing with you babe. But really what did you get him?”

“Me and Rae split the cost and bought him that armchair he’s been obsessing over for his new apartment.”

“Oh shit that’s a good gift. I don’t know what to get him.”

Clarke looks incredulously at her best friend.

“You mean you didn’t get him something yet? You’re cutting it pretty close.”

“Yeah well maybe we can stop at the mall too?”

“I can’t I have still have to cook dinner for Lexa and Alex.”

“Oh right I forgot you had a family date.”

“It’s not a date O.”

“Mhm. Well regardless, why don’t you just pick up some burgers from Grounders? They used to be Lexa’s favorite right? And I mean we are going there anyways. It saves you time.”

“You mean it saves _you_ time so we can go to the mall.”

“You know me so well.”

“Okay okay fine. I’ll come with you to find a gift for Bell.”

Octavia and Clarke speed through the stores trying to find a decent present. They finally decide on a classy tie that Bell will probably never wear and his favorite cologne. Once they are out of the mall, they quickly run in the party store and pick up all the supplies needed for a crazy 20s something birthday party weekend extravaganza. It’s 5 p.m. by the time they get to Grounders. Alex is at home doing her homework with Raven and Clarke is getting anxious about the time. She doesn’t want to be late for this dinner. It’s important to her and Alex and hopefully Lexa too.

Octavia and Clarke walk into Grounders and the first person they see is none other than Ontari Sanders. Ontari’s smile brightens and her eyes twinkle as soon as she sees Clarke. Ontari still has feelings for the blonde. She loved Clarke once upon a time and seeing her again is bringing back past feelings to the surface. It’s a dangerous game and she knows it. Ontari contemplated calling Clarke as soon as she got back into town but as soon as she saw Clarke’s first love and mother of her child, Lexa Woods, her confidence wavered. She doesn’t want to get mixed up in a love triangle..especially when she knows she would lose in the end. Still though, Clarke was a good friend and she misses having the blonde in her life. She wants her back in any capacity she can have her.

“Hey Clarke! Octavia! How are you two?”

Ontari hugs Octavia and then hugs Clarke. The hug with her ex is much longer than the one with O but she can’t help it. Clarke breaks the hug after a few seconds and politely smiles at her.

“Hey Ontari. We’re here to pick up a catering delivery. Oh and can we order three cheeseburgers for takeout?”

Clarke’s smile is warm and welcoming. Ontari used to be an important part of her life. She cherishes her time spent with the girl, but that’s all. Ontari is her past. A past she appreciates very much yes, but it’s not her present nor her future. If Lexa wasn’t in the picture, Clarke wouldn’t hesitate to explore a relationship with Ontari again. Lexa _is_ back though and she doesn’t need to further complicate her life adding another ex to the equation. Besides, nobody ever will hold a candle to Lexa. Lexa is special. Lexa was once her everything and maybe someday they can get back to that. Emphasis on maybe. 

Clarke does miss her friendship though. Ontari is a kind hearted person and she would love to catch up with the girl as long as her ex is clear that it’s just as friends.  
“Of course! Yeah I saw the catering order was huge. What’s the special occasion?” 

“We’re throwing a party for Bell tomorrow. You know if you’re not busy, you should stop by.” 

Octavia chimes in. Ontari looks to Clarke for confirmation and the blonde smiles and nods back in confirmation that it’s okay for her to say yes. 

“I don’t have work so yeah maybe I’ll make an appearance. I miss everyone. Especially Raven. Now that girl was hilarious.” 

“Raven will be there and she will be shit faced drunk. You can grab a ride with Atom. He’s going to be a designated driver. Party starts at 8 p.m. and ends around 1 a.m. I’ll text you the details!” 

At that moment, their big catering order comes out and Ontari is called back into the kitchen. 

“Thanks for the invite Tav. I have to go, duty calls. It was nice seeing you both. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Ontari smiles and scurries off into the restaurant's kitchen. Octavia is dumbly smiling and Clarke is looking back at her with narrow eyes. 

“What?” 

“Nothing.” 

“That’s not your nothing face C. Should I have not invited her? We were all good friends back in the day and as far as I know you two ended things on good terms." 

“No no I have no problem with you invited her O. I just don’t want Lexa to get the wrong idea.” 

“Fuck fuck fuck. I’m such an asshole. I’m sorry I totally spaced out.” 

“It’s really okay. Maybe me and Ontari can become friends again.” 

“Oh sweetie you two were never _just_ friends.” 

“True but that’s all I can offer her. I lo- I um am trying to figure out things with Lex.” 

Octavia’s raises her eyebrows at Clarke. Clarke is lightly biting on her lip, hoping that Octavia won’t bring up the fact that she almost said she loved Lexa. Luckily for her, Octavia is feeling kind today and decides to drop it. Clarke drives O home and rushes back to her apartment to throw some makeup on and set the table. Lexa is coming over in an hour. Her emotions are off the walls and in uncharted territory. This really is starting to feel like a family date. 

/// 

Lexa approaches the door of her daughter and ex lover’s apartment with hesitation. Was she wearing the right kind of outfit? Were the roses she bought Clarke too much? Shit they were definitely too much. What about the rainbow cookies she brought for dessert? What if Clarke didn’t want Alex to eat too much sugar before bed? Lexa is definitely freaking out. Her and Clarke might finally have some alone time today after their baby girl goes to sleep. 

Lexa knocks on the door. She can hear the pitter patter of footsteps running towards the door and she can already tell her adorable little daughter is the one she will be greeted by. 

“Hi Mommy!" 

“Hey my little princess." 

Lexa smiles and crouches down to hug Alex, who is smiling wide. Clarke is a few feet behind them smiling at the exchange. Her and Lexa make eye contact and their smiles suddenly turn more shy. Both of their hearts are beating out of their chest. It seems that they take each other's breath away in one stolen glance. 

Clarke clears her throat and breaks the gaze. It’s too early to be taken in by Lexa’s heart eyes. Clarke’s hoping that maybe after Alex goes to bed, Lexa will stay and talk a little. She wants to take the first step in the right direction and open up to Lexa about the past 7 years. 

“Oh Clarke I got you these. I hope it’s not too much.” 

Clarke takes the flowers and tries to school her face from the giddy teenage schoolgirl smile that graces her lips. Lexa sees it in her eyes though and knows she did something right. 

“Thank you Lex. They’re gorgeous. Let me put them in some water." 

Clarke goes into the kitchen and stands on her tippy toes trying to reach the vases in the top cabinet. Lexa offers to help her but Clarke says she;s got it. The older brunette can’t help but blatantly stare at her ex’s backside for a moment or two. She’s entranced. Clarke’s shirt is riding up so a generous amount of skin is revealed. Clarke’s butt looks like it was molded for her shorts too. God how much she misses squeezing and kneading the soft flesh of Clarke’s sculpted by the gods ass. Lexa cuts off her dirty thoughts when Clarke turns around and knowingly smirks at her. Shit she’s been caught. Lexa’s face turns red as a tomato. 

“Alright you two let’s go sit down and eat. I’ve been running around all day with Auntie O so I got us some takeout from Grounders.” 

Alex squeals a yay and tugs her Mommy along to the table and sits her right next to wear her Mama usually sits. Let the matchmaking session begin. 

"Alex you played really well a practice yesterday. I’m so proud of you.” 

Alex frowns a little and plays with her fries. Lexa’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. She thought she was giving the young girl a compliment. Lexa looks over to Clarke and she’s just as confused. Clarke decides to help Lexa out and chimes in. 

“Baby what’s wrong. Your mommy just gave you a compliment.” 

Alex sighs a little. 

“I know but I’ms no good at shootings the ball.” 

Clarke winces at the improper grammar but decides to let it slide this time since their little girl looks so sad and defeated. Lexa stretches on of her arms across the table and softly caresses Alex’s cheek, prompting the girl to look up at her mommy. 

“Hey hey don’t be sad. You’re an amazing soccer player Alex. I can practice with you whenever you want too.” 

Alex smiles at the mention of spending more time with her mommy. She also really needs to do better with her corner kicks because Uncle Lincoln said she’s going to do the corner kicks for her next game. 

“Can yous help me Monday? I have a game at thwee.” 

“I don’t have work Monday so I’m all yours if that’s okay with your mama?” 

Lexa looks over to Clarke who has been carefully watching the exchange. Clarke has a shift on Monday until 3:30 p.m. so Lincoln is going to pick Alex up from school when classes dismiss at 2:30. Clarke is planning on meeting them at the game once she gets off. Clarke doesn’t think she’s ready to let Lexa pick up their daughter without her but perhaps if Lincoln is there it would be okay. She might trust Lexa with her heart again _yet_ but she trusts that Lexa will always protect Alex. 

Besides Lincoln is like a brother to the blonde at this point. If Lincoln is with them, she is okay with Alex going out with Lexa for a bit without her. She will meet them at the game. This is a really big step for Clarke. Clarke only trusts a very select few with her daughter without her there. Maybe one day soon she’ll even let Lexa pick up Alex on her own. But that thought is suited for another time. 

“I have to work until 3:30 so your Uncle Lincoln is going to pick you up for your game Monday baby.” 

Lexa nods interpreting Clarke’s words as a ‘no.’ The older brunette understands Clarke isn’t comfortable with Lexa and Alex spending alone time together yet. She gets it completely. Clarke is just looking out for their daughter. Lexa was gone for so long. She knows that it’s gonna take awhile for Clarke to let her back into their daughter’s life fully. I mean after all, Clarke has been very understanding and amazing about this whole setup so far. Lexa couldn’t ask for a more empathetic kind person to have a daughter with. 

“We can always practice another time princess. Don’t you worry.” 

Lexa smiles and it brightens the whole room including Alex’s newfound frown. 

“No Lex I didn’t mean you couldn’t come. I just meant you’ll have to go with Lincoln to pick her up and practice before the game. I’ll meet you guys at the field during the game.” 

“Wait really?” 

Clarke smiles and nods. Lexa’s jaw is on the floor at this point. Alex doesn’t understand why this is such a big deal so she just goes back to eating her burger. 

“Wow thank you so much Clarke. I - just wow thank you. This means so much to me.” 

“Don’t mention it. Alex shouldn’t miss out on spending time with you just because I’m busy. Lincoln will be there with you two though." 

“Of course. Of course. I understand. Thank you!” 

“You said that already Lex.” 

Clarke smirks at her and Lexa blushes. The older brunette is so happy in this moment, just sitting around eating greasy burgers with her two favorite girls. Clarke is starting to trust her more with Alex and that’s all she can ask for. Lexa feels so blessed in this moment. She never thought she would get here. It almost feels too easy. Like everything is being handed to her. Clarke is so understanding and forgiving. She needs to make sure she deserves Clarke’s trust and she will earn it if it's the last thing she does. 

After dinner, Lexa asks Clarke if it was okay that she brought cookies. Clarke jokingly says that as long as there were leftovers for Reyes, it’s perfectly fine. The three of them eat the cookies and watch Airbud. Alex falls asleep snuggled between her mommies around 9:15 p.m. Lexa offers to carry her to her bed. She kisses Alex goodnight and tucks her in saying “mommy loves you.” 

When Lexa comes back to the living room, Clarke has turned off the TV and is staring intently at her. Lexa audibly gulps. Maybe now they’re finally going to talk. Lexa sits down next to Clarke but leaves enough space so that she’s not on top of the blonde. Clarke crosses her legs like a pretzel and faces Lexa. The older brunette mirrors Clarke's position, preparing for whatever is to come next. 

“So I’ve been thinking a lot these past few days. I’ll admit I’m still confused about my feelings but I think the only way I can figure them out is if we talk a little bit about the past more. What do you think?” 

“No of course. I think there’s a lot still left up in the air.” 

“Okay good. I want to tell you about a few things that have changed for me since you’ve left. It’s going to be hard to get through this all for me so please try to not interrupt.” 

Lexa nods, gently encouraging Clarke to continue. She knows opening up like this isn't easy for Clarke. Clarke pauses for a minute to find the right wording before continuing. Lexa stays quiet and remains patient. 

“As you know, shortly after you left I found out I was pregnant. I was a mess. You were gone and you left me alone to raise our child. I know your reasons now but back then I didn’t.” 

Clarke pauses again and sadly smiles. Lexa knows the next thing Clarke is going to say is going to be heartbreaking. She can just feel it. 

“You broke me Lexa. I loved you with everything I had. I gave you everything and then you left. All I got was a voicemail. I felt used and worthless.” 

Clarke is holding back the tears but Lexa can see them in her beautiful blue eyes. Lexa can feel hot liquid on her cheeks. She isn’t fairing so well either. 

“My friends and family were there for me though. They helped me get through it. I knew I needed to push my heartbreak aside for the baby so that’s what I did. Being in high school while pregnant was hard. Octavia made sure the kids didn’t say anything but she couldn’t stop the stares. I didn’t go a day without being glared at by at least half the student body. It was hard but I was managing. And then - well then my parents got into an accident." 

At this point, Clarke was freely crying and so was Lexa. Lexa scooted a tad closer to Clarke and held out her hand, leaving the option open for Clarke. Clarke took her ex’s hand with little to no hesitation. Lexa’s touch soothes her and right now she desperately needed to calm herself to get through this. 

“I know Lincoln told you what happened so I’ll skip the details. But losing my father broke my spirits. He was my role model. He was my protector and savior. I was always daddy’s little girl. Without him, I was lost. It was like a lost a limb. He never got to see our little Alex. And I’m still so mad about that. He never saw how beautiful her eyes are or how adorable it was when she used to gurgle and drool. He never got to hold her in his arms. It was all becoming too much. I was losing everyone I loved. And then I had Alex. Our gorgeous baby girl.” 

Clarke smiled through the tears. Lexa wiped both of their cheeks free of the tear stains. 

“I loved her from the second I heard her heartbeat but to see her in person... oh my god, Lexa it was magical. With no reservations, I gladly gave her my heart to hold in her tiny little fingers. But even that couldn’t stay pure and perfect. I started to feel anxious all the time. I felt like everything I did was wrong. Like I wasn’t a good mother. Like I was a failure. I would cry everyday. I never wanted to leave the house. I was a shell of the person I once was.” 

Lexa momentarily frowns before she schools her face. She never heard about this from Lincoln. Her heart aches for all that Clarke had to go through. All she wants to do wrap Clarke in her arms and never let go but she knows she can’t do that. She needs to let Clarke finish her story. 

“My mother picked up on my symptoms rather quickly. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. It was a rough few months. Actually rough is an understatement. I had a newborn, I was diagnosed with postpartum, my father had just died, the mother of my child abandoned me, I barely graduated high school, I had no job prospects. I felt like I was drowning. I was a kid raising a kid. If it wasn’t for my amazing support system, I wouldn’t have made it through. A year later, I enrolled in school online to get my nursing degree. I knew I would never become a doctor. My life took a different turn. Med school was no longer an option. Hell, finishing a college degree while raising a baby was hard enough. My mom financially and emotionally supported us. I wish I could pay her back for everything but she refuses to take my money. It was hard but I got my nursing degree. A few months back, I got my first job as a nurse at Trikru. The pay is good so I was able to save enough to move out of my mother’s and move in with Raven. Everything I’ve done is for our daughter. I don’t like to look back at the past and point out all that’s gone wrong because so much has gone right also. I have the most beautiful talented intelligent daughter who never ceases to surprise me with her compassion and determination. I have a pretty damn good life now but it took a long time to get where I am today. I don’t like self pity and I don’t like pity from others either so please don’t misconstrue why I’m telling you all of this. You needed to know my story and I needed to tell you because I’m still so mad at you Lexa.” 

Clarke deeply exhales. She tightly shuts her eyes and takes a few breaths before continuing. 

“I’m so mad because you weren’t here when I found out I was pregnant with your child. You weren’t here to drive at 1 a.m. to get me pickles and ice cream for my crazy pregnancy cravings. You weren’t here to hold me when my father died. You weren’t here when our baby girl was born. You weren’t here all the nights I cried myself to sleep, depressed and thinking I was a horrible mother. You weren’t here for Alex’s first steps, her first words. I had to explain your absence to her when I couldn’t even explain it to myself. I know you’ve been through a lot too. I’m not trying to diminish your pain. I know you so I know you’re torturing yourself about missing your daughter’s first 6 years. I know you’re heartbroken you weren’t here when Jake died. I know you Lex. I know how hard this must be on you, but it’s been hell for me. And that’s why I’m so confused because at one point in my life you were my everything. I thought you would always be there but then you weren’t. I don’t know if I can trust you again in that way. I don’t know if I can let myself open up to you. I don’t know if I should let myself love you again.” 

Lexa tries to hide how much her heart is breaking right now. She didn’t know about all of Clarke’s struggles. She knew it must have been hard for the blonde to raise Alex alone when she was just a kid herself. But to hear firsthand about all the struggles and pain Clarke has had to endure without Lexa by her side...well that physically pains Lexa. Lexa feels nauseous. The older brunette’s stomach is in knots. She doesn’t know if she even deserves Clarke’s love anymore, that is if the blonde ever chooses to trust her with her heart again. 

“But I also know I can’t control who I love. This is messy. This is going to be hard. It might not work out and then where do we go from there? My first priority will always be Alex. If we do try to get to know each other again, I need you to act normal in front of Alex. Do not give her false hope. But I also need you to know that these are all hypotheticals and maybes. Like I said, I’m confused. And until I figure out if I can trust you with my heart or not, we won’t be anything more than Alex’s mothers. I want to get to know you again Lex. That’s all I can handle right now.” 

Lexa was so overcome by a myriad of emotions. Clarke shared so much with her today. Lexa is going to do anything she can to prove to Clarke that she’s here to stay. She doesn’t know if she can make up for all that she’s missed out on but she’s sure as hell going to try until the day she dies. Lexa is prepared to do everything in her power to prove to Clarke that she is serious about this. To prove to her that she _is_ going to be here for every struggle and misstep. She will be here whenever Clarke needs her. She will be here for Alex’s first crush. She will be here for Alex’s first day of high school. She will be here for every next step in both Clarke and their daughter’s life. 

Lexa reassuringly squeezes Clarke’s hand and gently caresses the blonde’s face. Clarke melts into the touch before Lexa moves her hand to gently cup the back of Clarke’s neck. Green meets blue in a tender loving staredown. 

“Klark. I feel like these words must bear no meaning to you anymore but _I am so fucking sorry._ I can’t even imagine withstanding even a fraction of the pain you went through without me here these past few years. You are so much stronger of a person than I will ever be. When I heard about Jake, I knew what his death would mean for you. He was an amazing man. I know he was everything to you. It’s not fair he’s gone much too soon. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you and our daughter. I had no idea you gave up being a doctor to raise our baby without me. I have no idea your father passed. I had no idea that you suffered from depression. I had no idea that we even had a child. I was living in ignorance. What I didn’t know didn’t hurt me. I was broken without you but at least I knew why I had to leave you. You never knew. You’re not worthless Clarke. God I hate that you thought that. I hate that you felt used. You are everything to me. You and Alex. I’ve fucked up so much and I don’t even know where to start atoning for my mistakes. But I want to try. More than anything, I want to try and show you how much I will always love you. I’m going to spend everyday of the rest of my life proving to you and our daughter that I’m here to stay. I’m not going anywhere. I know that’s hard to believe but maybe someday you will believe me when I say I’m never leaving again. And if you decide that you don’t want to be with me, I’ll still be here for you. I have so much to make up for and I intend on doing everything it takes to be a good mother and partner to you in whatever capacity you want me.” 

Clarke slowly nods and envelops Lexa in a hug and whispers in her ear. 

“Can you tell me what the past 7 years have been like for you? Please don’t leave anything out even if you think it’ll hurt me.” 

Lexa thinks for a moment. Nothing she has been through is anything remotely like Clarke’s pain but she will tell her nonetheless. Not all of it is pretty though, that’s for sure. 

“Well me and Anya drove off in the middle of the night with no real destination in mind. We needed to drop off the map and needed fast cash so we sold our car for a cheap used piece of junk with plates untraceable to us. We settled across the country. I - I cried for weeks. I couldn’t eat or sleep. All I could think about was you and how I left you. I kept replaying our last day together. The last time we made love. The last time I kissed you. The last time I said ‘I love you.’ I thought I was never going to have a chance to see you again. I felt like my life was over before it even started. For the first few years, we worked odd jobs. I made Anya promise she would no longer deal or use though. I told her that if she didn’t get cleaned up then I would leave her and not look back. It was hard making money to survive off of without using our social security numbers and what not. Anya would work as a bartender in sketchy bars and was paid under the table. Most of the time I did manual work. I worked in warehouses, doing a lot of heavy lifting. Sometimes I would help out with road work. The pay was always shit and my bones would ache at the end of the typical 12 hour day. Since we were paid under the table, there were no labor laws for us. I just did what they asked and they would throw a couple bucks at me. We lived in our car for about two years. Then I started doing underground fighting. Since I had a black belt in karate and was physically fit, I was a crowd favorite. For a couple months, I hid the bruises from Anya. We were able to get a cramped apartment. It wasn’t in the best area so we were constantly robbed and mugged but we didn’t have much anyways so they left us alone after taking whatever we had in our wallets. When Anya found out about the underground fighting she flipped on me and tried to make me stop. I refused though. We were finally financially okay. That went on for another year. I broke a few ribs and had a pretty nasty head injury that left me unconscious and in a coma for a week or two." 

Clarke loudly gasped out a concerned 'shit Lexa.' The blonde immediately imagined her ex broken and badly bruised in a hospital bed. Her heart ached. Lexa could have died and she would have never known. Her daughter would have never met her other mother. Lexa would be gone forever. The idea made Clarke feel sick. 

“The medical bills piled up and most of our money was drained paying those bills. Once I got better I stopped fighting and started working at a diner. The diner was decent money but nothing compared to the underground fighting ring. The diner was where that fire I mentioned before happened. After that, I realized I wanted to be a firefighter. Things got a little better after that. Anya was a fan favorite at the bar she was working at so she was doing well with generous tipping. I made decent money as well as a firefighter. I was worried Mount Weather would come looking for us now that I was working a government job but they didn’t. We got comfortable. We moved to a better area and a nicer apartment. Life should have been easy but it wasn’t. There was never a day where I stopped thinking about you. I was a hollow shell. I would go to work and come home and drink. I drowned myself in booze and sex for awhile. It was short lived though. I made sure to limit myself because I knew addiction ran in my family. Once I stopped drinking and going out as much, I had nothing. I was forced to look at myself in the mirror. It was terrifying. I felt like everything I did had no meaning. I grew cold. I was lonely. I only had Anya. I never allowed myself to grow close to anyone. I could never love anyone and I never wanted to because I still loved - no wait I still _love_ you. No matter the pain I felt not being with you, I never wanted to stop loving you. It was the only thing that made me feel human.” 

Clarke took Lexa’s hands in hers and rubbed soothing circles on her hands. 

“I felt empty for a long time until we came back to Polis. Even though I wasn’t seeing you, I could feel your presence. I know that sounds dumb but just walking down the same streets we used to hold hands along made me feel like I had a bit of myself back. I felt like I could actually hear my heart beating in my chest for the first time in 7 years. I wanted to see you. You have no idea how badly I wanted to see you, to touch you, to explain everything to you. I was afraid though. And that’s the shittiest excuse in the book I know. But I didn’t want to ruin your life again. I didn’t want to throw your world into upheaval. I figured you moved on and there was no point in dredging up a dark part of your past. Then Anya told me she saw you and you were mad. She said you were asking a million questions about where we’ve been and I realized that me not going to you as soon as I can was a horrible fucking mistake. I was trying to do right by you and I only ended up making things worse. I went to see you the following day and well uh I guess you know the rest of that story. But god you were so beautiful. I mean you always have been beautiful but seeing you again took my breathe away… it still does. Being back here with you and Alex and everyone else has made me feel whole. It’s made me feel like an actual person again, not just some emotionless robot going through the motions. I’m such a fuck up Clarke. I know that. I take full responsibility for my mistakes. But fuck I can't believe how badly I've screwed things up. All I ever wanted was you..that's still what I want. I don't deserve you. You deserve the world. I wish I could take the pain you've felt. I wish I could change so many things but I can't. The only thing I can do is be here now. The only I can do is show both of my favorite girls that I love them and never plan on letting go as long as they allow me.” 

Lexa felt the tears coming again. This wasn’t suppose to be about her. This was suppose to be about Clarke’s pain not hers. Lexa feels selfish for crying and forces herself to stop. Her face is red and puffy just as Clarke's is. Clarke can tell Lexa is trying to be strong for her and it’s a sweet gesture but not necessary. Clarke cups the older girl’s cheeks and stares into her emerald green eyes. 

“Lex you’re allowed to be weak in front of me. You’re allowed to cry. I won’t hold it against you. You're right when you said you made mistakes, but you are absolutely not a fuck up. You're life hasn't been easy. Just because I have been through some shit as well doesn't lessen the significance of what you've been through. Don't be afraid to say how you feel. Don't be ashamed of your feelings Lex. You're allowed to be sad that you missed out on Alex's life. You're allowed to be heartbroken over us too. You may have left but I know it took all of your willpower and then some to do so. You're allowed to be yourself in front of me. I hope you always know that.” 

Lexa releases a choked sob and tightly hugs Clarke. Clarke wipes away her few stray tears and so does Lexa. Both girls feel emotionally tired but also lighter. They’ve shared a lot tonight. Lexa knows that this hug is a comfort and not romantic in any way but she still finds solace in the arms of her ex lover. Clarke breathes in Lexa’s scent and her body instantly relaxes. The two girls stay like this, holding onto each other for dear life, for quite some time until they break apart. The air feels heavy. The exes talk for a few more minutes about Bell’s party tomorrow. Clarke offers Lexa a ride with her Octavia, Lincoln, and Raven. Lexa accepts and shortly after leaves. The former couple hugs goodbye and parts ways. With the past out in the open, tomorrow will be a new day for new experiences - whether those experiences are to be good or bad is still undetermined. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments? Thoughts? Opinions? Bellamy's birthday bash is up next so let's see what unfolds next. 
> 
> Thank you all who read, comment, and kudo on this fic! :)


	19. Ghosts (The Party Pt. 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy's party has arrived. Some interesting stuff happens ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes! I have no time to reread this so I'm posting it as is.
> 
> Also, sorry for the delay in posting. Life and some drama has made my life a lil busy. I should be posting more regularly again. Enjoy!

Saturday morning is filled with packing and getting ready. Once Clarke is all packed and ready to go its around 4 p.m. She decides to go for a quick dinner with her and Alex a couple blocks away from Abby’s house. Clarke and Alex joke and talk about everything and anything. Clarke won’t see Alex until Monday since she won’t be getting home until late Sunday night when the little girl will already be sound asleep. The blonde hates being away from her daughter for so long, but she knows this weekend is much needed. Clarke drops off Alex and hugs her goodbye, peppering her face with kiss and tickling her for a good five minutes. Clarke sets off for Octavia’s house after an exchange of ‘I love yous’ between Alex, Clarke and Abby.  


When Clarke gets there, everyone is already there including Lexa. Clarke throws her suitcase in the back Lincoln’s truck and squeezes into the backseat with Raven and Lexa. The car ride up is about an hour long and filled with music and Octavia’s rambles about how everything has to be perfect. The group gets there in time to put up the party decorations, set out the catering, and chill the liquor. Party goers start showing up just as the food is finished being heated. This is when the real party begins.

Bellamy doesn’t show up for another hour. He claims that ‘you always have to show up fashionably late to your own party.’ Truth be told, he totally just got lost on his way up to the cabin. The whole gang is here plus tens and tens of random people Lexa has never met. The cabin is filled to the brim with pleasantly buzzed people. Lexa has been chatting with Miller, Bryan, Monty, and Sterling. Lexa occasionally glances around looking for a certain blonde but can’t seem to find her anywhere. 

“Well well well if it isn’t Lexa Woods.”

A deep distinguishable voice echos from behind Lexa and she knows exactly who it is. Lexa turns around to see Bellamy Blake with his signature shit eating smirk, tousled floppy hair, and playful glint in his eyes. The floppy haired man barrels into Lexa and hugs her tight whispering a “I’ve missed you” and a “It’s good to see you.” Like so many times in the past, Bellamy takes a seat next to her with a beer in his hand. They talked for about 20 minutes about Bellamy’s job on the force and Lexa’s career as a firefighter. They tried their best to ignore the elephant in the room that is the reason why Lexa left all those years ago.

“So how have you been since coming back to town Woods?”

“I’ve been amazing if I’m being honest. The last few months have been some of the best of my life.”

“Yeah Alex is something special.”

“Her mom is too.”

Lexa smiles to herself and takes a sip of whatever strong concoction Monty made for her. Not paying much attention, Lexa misses the brief guilty frown on Bellamy’s face.

“So you and Clarke huh? Is that a thing again?”

“No - well I don’t know. I’m giving her some time to figure out what she wants. I still love her though Bell. I’ve never stopped. Enough about me though, tell me about the last 7 years of the ‘World’s Biggest Player’s’ love life.”

“Oh god I forgot about that. Yeah that’s not me anymore. After Echo, I dated a bit here and there but nothing serious. Just a few girls.”

“A few girls huh? Anyone I know?”

Bellamy offers a tight lipped smile before he nervously chugs the rest of his beer. Right now, the older Blake is a ball of nerves. He doesn’t know if Clarke wants to share their history with Lexa but he feels like he needs to lift that weight off his shoulders. Even though he hasn’t seen Lexa in years, he still considers her one of his best friends. She understood him better than most. He thinks she deserves to know but then again it’s not his relationship. Bellamy, so wrapped up in his own thoughts, doesn’t realize Lexa has picked up on his nervous energy.

“Hey are you okay? You look a little pale.”

“Me? Oh yeah I’m fine I think I drank too much beer on an empty stomach. I’m gonna go grab some wings or something. Find me later Woods and I’ll play you in beer pong.”

Bellamy squeezed her shoulder and walked away in the direction of the kitchen. Lexa enjoyed their talk but towards the end, things took a turn for the strange. Bellamy was acting weird when he was talking about his love life...almost like he was hiding something. Lexa shook herself from her paranoid thoughts and went to get another drink. 

///

About two hours later, Clarke finally finds Lexa. She’s taking shots with Lincoln in the kitchen. Clarke comes up from behind her.

“Hey Clarke!” Lincoln calls out. Lincoln has always been a happy drunk. He envelops Clarke in a bear hug.

“Wanna take a shot with me and lalaLexy?”

Clarke chuckles and looks over to Lexa, who’s staring at the ground, intent on not making eye contact with the blonde. 

“Um sure Linc. Is that okay Lex?”

Lexa glances up and politely smiles, but her eyes are guarded. 

Lincoln sets up three shots of whiskey and all three of them down them like champs. 

“Excuse me. I have to go to the bathroom.” Lexa quietly mumbles and runs off. 

Clarke frowns and follows her.

“Lex! Lexa! Wait up.”

Clarke grabs Lexa’s wrist and pulls her into the bathroom. Lexa sighs with her head hung low, ready for inevitable rejection. She’s been avoiding Clarke since she saw her in a dark hallway an hour ago with Ontario or whatever her name is. She loves Clarke and she doesn’t blame her for finding someone else..she just wishes she could unsee what she saw. She wants Clarke to be happy but she selfishly wishes Clarke would find her happiness with her.

Clarke hesitantly approaches her and wipes away the single tear she didn’t even realize she shed.

“What’s the matter?”

“Nothing Clarke. I’m okay. I just really need to pee.”  


“Bullshit. Tell me the truth. You owe me that.”

Lexa looks away from her and closes her eyes.

“I saw you with her.”

“With who?”

“Um I think her name is Ontari? Your ex.”

Realization dawns on Clarke’s face and Lexa forces herself to look into those cerulean blues eyes she loves so much for confirmation.

“Oh shit Lex. I don’t know what you saw but -”

“It’s really okay Clarke. I want you happy and if she makes you happy, then that’s all I care about.”

“Lexa I don’t want Ontari.”

Blue meets a confused green once more.

“Wait what? But I saw you two kissing..”

“No. You saw _her_ kissing _me_.”

///

_One hour ago_

_Clarke was wondering through the party looking for a certain brunette when another dark haired girl came into her vision._

_“Ontari, hi.”_

_“Hey Clarke. You look gorgeous.”_

_“Oh thank you. You do as well.”_

_Ontari visibly blushes and Clarke inwardly curses herself. Clarke is a natural flirt even if she doesn’t mean to be._

_“So how is Alex?”_

_“She’s great. Growing up so fast.”_

_“I know! She was such a cute lil baby when I last saw her.”_

_“She’ll always be my baby if I have anything to say about it.”  
Ontari chuckles and her eyes twinkle. Clarke can tell Ontari is misinterpreting her friendly conversation._

_“You’ve always been a protective mom.”_

_“I try. That girl is my world.”_

_Ontari smiles. She loves how devoted Clarke is to her daughter. She can’t help but hope there’s still a chance for them. Clarke was always such a pure good person. She would hate to have lost her chance with the blonde._

_The pair talk for twenty more minutes. Ontari occasionally flirting or touching Clarke’s arm a tad too long. Clarke decides to just rip the bandage off and tell Ontari she’s not interested in pursuing anything beyond friendship. As soon as she starts to tell her though, the lights dim and the music blasts. Murphy’s gift to Bellamy is on full display. A strip tease. The crowd circles the main event with Bellamy in a chair in the center. Between the pushing to get to the front, the hooting and hollering, and loud music, Ontari couldn’t hear a word Clarke said. The blonde pulled Ontari to a quieter hallway to clear the air._

_Ontari though, thought Clarke had an entirely different plan. Clarke looked nervous. It was cute._

_“Listen Ontari.. once upon a time we were really good together but I think that -”_

_All Ontari needed to hear was the “once upon a time we were really good together” to make up her mind and go in for the kiss. She didn’t even hear the “but” part of the sentence. Her lips were soon enough pressed firmly on Clarke’s. Ontari stumbled a bit from the alcohol in her system and Clarke instinctively caught her. Of course this was the minute Lexa saw them._

_Clarke gently pushes Ontari off of her._

_“Ontari I - I was going to say I think we should just stay friends. I’m so sorry it’s just -”_

_“Alex’s other mom.” Ontari sadly smiles._

_“Lexa is...well I don’t really know what she is to me right now. But I want to give us a chance to figure it out. I’m sorry. You’re amazing and any girl would be lucky to have you in their life.”_

_“Just not you.”_

_“Not me. I’m so-”_

_“Clarke it’s okay. There’s no need to apologize. I moved away. Maybe if I stuck around things would be different but they’re not. I would love to be your friend. I really mean that.”_

_Ontari tightly hugs Clarke. She just wants her ex happy. She deserves it after the shitshow she’s been through. The chef just hopes this Lexa woman deserves Clarke’s love._

_“Thank you for understanding.”_

_“Of course. Now go find your girl.”_

_///_

_Lexa also was looking for the blonde for most of the night. She wanted to spend some more time with Clarke. It was the top reason why she decided to come here. That’s when she saw it. Ontari and Clarke drinking and talking and laughing together. Ontari kept inching closer and closer to Clarke. Touching her arm. Her black eyes not so subtly admiring her ex’s body. Practically fucking the blonde with her eyes. Lexa felt defeated and insanely jealous. She couldn’t help but feel hurt and heartbroken._

_Sure, Clarke told her she wasn’t ready but she had some hope. She thought that Clarke felt something when they kissed and then they talked last night. She thought they were getting somewhere. Lexa cursed herself for being so foolish. Why would Clarke want someone who broke her heart when she could have literally anyone she could ever desire? Lexa knows Clarke is naturally modest and slightly insecure so she would never believe Lexa’s words. But Lexa always saw how people would look at the blonde. Even in high school, everyone would stare at Clarke. Only back then Clarke didn’t notice because she was looking at Lexa._

_The music changed and the lights darkened. Lexa turned towards where the source of the commotion was to find a girl dancing on Bellamy in the center of the room. Lexa smiles briefly and turned her attention back to where her ex and her ex’s ex just were but they were gone. Cautiously as if she knew what she was going to find, she followed the brief glance of blonde hair she was weaving out of the crowd._

_Lexa’s heart dropped into her stomach and broke into a million pieces at the sight in front of her. Clarke was kissing this other woman. Lexa knows she has no right to be jealous but it still hurts like a bitch. It still sucks all the air out of her lungs to watch someone else kiss the woman she’s loved since the moment she laid eyes on her. The firefighter dropped her drink and runs into the bathroom, chest heaving and tears pouring out of her puffy red eyes._

_Lexa cried for a good 15 minutes on the bathroom floor before someone knocked on the door, forcing her to pick herself up off the ratty carpet. Lexa threw some water on her face, fixed her makeup, and went out to brace the world with her typical stoic face._

///

“I pushed Ontari off and told her I only want to be friends because I want you Lex. You're the only one I've ever wanted.”

Clarke takes a step closer and leans in to press a chaste kiss to Lexa’s lips. Lexa enjoys the sensation. Neither attempting to further the kiss. The two girls, with their hearts beating out of their chests, rest their foreheads against one another. A banging against the door brings them crashing back to reality.

The two girls leave the bathroom, gaining a few dirty side glances from people waiting on line to use the toilet. Lexa goes to pour her and Clarke some more of Monty’s punch before she goes to meet Clarke in the deserted backyard for some fresh mountain air.

Clarke is sitting in the backyard with her eyes shut, inhaling the fresh unpolluted mountain air. For a minute, Lexa just stares at her in awe. The blonde’s cheek are flushed red, presumably from a mixture of the alcohol coursing through her veins and the crisp air. Her face is so at ease and peaceful. She looks absolutely radiant. Lexa sits down next to her and Clarke peeks one eye open, smiling when she realizes who it is. Her ex wordlessly scoots closer to her on the porch swing, wrapping her arms around the older brunette’s waist and laying her head on Lexa’s shoulder. 

“Hey you.”

“Hey. I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions before I just saw you with her and -”

“Shh it’s okay. I’m sorry you had to see that. I know we are still figuring out what we mean to each other but just know I have no plans of being with anyone else while we are figuring it out.”

Lexa lets out a breathe of air she didn’t even realize she was holding in. Clarke basically said they’re exclusive for the time being. That’s all Lexa could ask for. A real second chance with no third parties trying to pry them apart.

“Me either Clarke. I only want you.”

Clarke smiles and snuggles into Lexa’s warm embrace further. The pair looks up at the stars in peaceful quiet for quite some time before the blonde breaks the silence.

“Remember when we always used to do this? Just lay all entangled in one another and stargaze?”

“How could I ever forget? You would always fall asleep on my shoulder and drool on me.”

Clarke playfully shoves the girl who giggles in return.

“Oh hush. I was cute and you loved it.”

“I still do.”

Lexa hopes Clarke can't hear the unsteady rapid beating of her heart that tends to happen whenever Clarke gets close to her. Lexa places her drink on a nearby table and settles into the warm embrace of the blonde. The older brunette puts one of her hands on Clarke’s lower back, rubbing soothing circles through the blonde’s clothes. Clarke hums in approval. The ex couple sits there, eyes closed and in silence. This is the first time for either of them that they truly feel at peace in the last 7 years..in each other's arms, watching the stars in the deep night sky.

///

_8 Years Ago_

_“oh oh y-yes Lex...don’t..stop”_

_Lexa lightly nibbled on Clarke’s earlobe as she gently pumped two fingers in and out of her girlfriend’s tight opening with her thumb softly circling the younger girl’s sensitive clit. The older brunette wants to make sure that she doesn’t hurt her beautifully mesmerizing girlfriend. Lexa is taking this very seriously since this is Clarke’s first real sexual experience. Clarke will always remember her first time and Lexa wants to make sure she feels loved and taken cared of throughout the entire experience. It’s their two month anniversary and Lexa set up a whole picnic in Clarke’s backyard so they could watch the stars. The two of them always loved watching the stars together._

_This isn’t Lexa’s first time for sure. Lexa has had sex before...a lot of sex actually. Sex was always an escape for her, a way to forget herself and all her problems. She’s never felt such an intense rush of love and need to pleasure someone in any way she can until now. For Lexa it’s always been hot and frantic. It always was desperate sex just to get each other off. Just fucking. But with Clarke everything's different. She’s more aware of every movement and sensation of the girl squirming underneath her. She listens intently for every masked whimper and stifled moan. She stares deeply into those cerulean pools that turn a few shades darker when Lexa starts pressing open wet kisses on her neck. Lexa wants to commit every sound, every touch, every taste to memory._

_Clarke’s breathing becomes more labored as Lexa’s fingers pick up their pace, now curling to hit just the right spot that makes Clarke gasp and cry out in pleasure. Clarke can feel her orgasm approaching fast. She’s never felt so desperate for something in her life. She’s scratching Lexa’s back with such vigor she surely branded her girlfriend with deep angry red marks as Clarke releases moaning and panting into her girlfriend’s tiny ears. Her body is overcome by warmness and a rush of the most pleasurable tingling she’s ever felt in her life. Body arching, Clarke slowly comes down from her high._

_In Lexa’s arms, she feels like she has found her home. Like nothing can come between the pair. Lexa tenderly kisses the girl’s forehead and tucks loose strands of sweaty blonde hair behind her girlfriend’s ear. The brunette slowly removes her fingers and brings them to her lips to suck off every last drop of Clarke’s essence. Lexa moans as her taste buds are attacked with a sweet tangy flavor. She can feel herself hardening to the point that it physically pains her. Lexa has never been so turned on in her life. Today isn’t about her though. Today is about Clarke. Pleasing Clarke. Making Clarke feel loved. Bridging the gap between their emotional closeness and their newfound physical intimacy._

_Clarke opens her eyes for the first time since coming down from her high and blue meets green. Lexa is still on top of her as their warm breath mingles due to such close proximity. Clarke can feel Lexa’s hardened length throbbing through her sweatpants on her upper thigh. Getting fingered by Lexa was amazing. It was by far the most intimate experience either girls have ever had in their respective lives. The blonde was still in a haze of post orgasm bliss but she wanted more. She wanted to be closer to Lexa. Clarke wanted to feel everything Lexa had to offer. She wanted to give herself over to Lexa._

_“Are you okay baby?”_

_Lexa’s worried eyes bore into Clarke’s soul. Lexa needed assurances that Clarke felt comfortable, to make sure she didn’t hurt the younger girl._

_“Yes.” Clarke cupped Lexa’s cheeks and kissed the older girl’s forehead. “Yes.” She kisses the girl’s cute little scrunched up nose. “Yes.” Clarke peppers kisses all over her cheeks, her jaw, and her neck._

_“I love you Lexa.”_

_“I love you too Clarke.”_

_Clarke leans up and gently kisses her girlfriend. Lexa is uncomfortably hard and with Clarke rubbing up against her, it’s only making her more aroused._

_“Clarke I - uh think we should stop.”_

_Clarke frowns. She can’t understand why her girlfriend would want to stop. Lexa never wants to stop. Maybe she doesn’t want Clarke anymore. Maybe Clarke is too inexperienced. Lexa’s probably tired of dealing with someone who knows so little about how to please her. Tears begin to trickle down the blonde’s pale creamy cheeks._

_“Hey hey what’s wrong? Why are you crying? Did I hurt you?”_

_Lexa’s eyes looks frantic but her words are soft spoken. She would hate herself if she hurt Clarke or if the younger girl felt pressured. Lexa would wait forever if she had to. Sex didn’t matter to her. Not anymore. Clarke is all she cares about._

_“Nothing I’m fine.”_

_“No you’re not. Please tell me.”_

_“I just - I know you’re used to being with more experienced girls and I don’t want to disappoint you. And now you want to stop kissing and I can’t help but think you’re getting tired or maybe even bored of me”_

_“Clarke. I could never get tired or bored of you. The only reason I said we should stop is because...well I’m getting a little too..uh excited? And I need to calm down.”_

_Lexa awkwardly mumbled the last part and scratched the back of her neck, averting Clarke’s confused gaze. Clarke starts laughing a moment later and Lexa’s cheeks turn pink with embarrassment._

_“I’m sorry I’m not laughing at you. I just - I didn’t want to stop.”_

_“What?”_

_“I wanted to - well you know.”_

_“Klark. That’s a big deal. I don’t want to pressure you. I don’t need sex. I just need you.”_

_“And I just need you too. But I want to be as close as I can with you. I want to give all of myself to you. I’m yours Lex. All of me.”_

_Clarke leans in and kisses Lexa with all she has. Lexa responds heatedly, quickly deepening the kiss. Lexa gently settles herself on top of Clarke. Clothes slowly come off and the heat between them rises. Soon enough, the two girls are moaning and whimpering out the most sensual of noises underneath the stars making love to each other for the very first time..but certainly not the last._

_///_

“Lex?” 

Clarke’s words came out like a sleepy whisper, causing Lexa to smile at how cute the blonde is.

“Yes?”

“I’ve missed this a lot.”

Those simple words plucked at Lexa’s heartstrings with such force, she thought she would burst from the sheer emotion they brought with him. Lexa pulled Clarke in closer and whispered back a simple ‘me too.’ She hoped those two words properly expressed her emotions. They did.

Clarke presses a kiss right where Lexa’s collarbone and neck meet. Lexa shivers and gasps. Clarke smiles and kisses her again, this time a little farther up on her neck. Lexa is frozen in fear, anticipation, and arousal. Clarke’s grip on her sides grow tighter as she angles herself to place on open mouthed kiss right below the shell of the older girl’s ear. Lexa’s breathing is becoming heavier and unsteady. She doesn’t know where Clarke is going with this. She doesn’t know how drunk Clarke is. The blonde has always been a lightweight. Maybe she should stop this before anything happens that her beautiful beautiful love might regret. She _should_ stop this..but god...she doesn’t want to.

Clarke kisses her jaw and pulls Lexa’s face so they are face to face. They are so close their noses are touching. Lexa’s eyes are wide and watching Clarke’s every move. Clarke begins to lean in, her soft wet lips ghosting over Lexa’s. Lexa gains some self control and lightly pushes on Clarke’s shoulders.

“Klark.” Lexa says her lover’s name as if it is her solemn prayer of salvation. “Are you sure about this?”

Clarke looks into her big green eyes and Lexa sees nothing but love and lust. The blonde’s eyes are not glazed over from alcohol. Clarke shyly nods and whispers out a quiet ‘yes’ before leaning in again. Clarke caresses Lexa’s jaw with one hand and wraps her free arm in Lexa’s curly hair. Clarke’s lips are hovering over Lexa’s, barely touching, and yet it is _the_ most sensual experience of either of their lives. Clarke takes the plunge and softly kisses Lexa’s plump lips with added pressure. 

The kiss is heated but still soft and sweet. It expels the purest of emotions from either girls with undertones of lust and desire. Clarke’s lips are so wet and they taste like some fruity beverage Clarke must have just finished drinking. Her lover gently bites on her swollen bottom lip and then soothes the mark with a runover of her skilled tongue. Lexa revels in Clarke’s aggressive side. Clarke grabs at Lexa’s collar as she swings of her legs over the firefighter. _Fuck_. Clarke is straddling her. Lexa inwardly groans at their new positions. The pair is hidden under the dark blanketed sky with no windows in view of their location. 

“Klark. Klark.” Lexa pants out between kisses.

Clarke silences her with her tongue deliciously exploring the older girl’s mouth. Lexa is very conscious of her hands, making sure she doesn’t overstep any boundaries. The blonde has other ideas though. She grabs Lexa’s hands and places them on her ass, as she starts starts moving her hips. One of Clarke’s hands travels up Lexa’s shirt, feeling all of Lexa’s toned stomach. Lexa feels like she’s on fire. Her head is spinning. She’s so confused by Clarke’s actions. One second she needs space and the next their heatedly making out in the backyard of their best friend’s cabin. Clarke said she wanted this but Lexa isn’t sure what that means. Is Clarke all in now? Or does she just want one night? Lexa remembers how horny Clarke can get when she’s drunk. No. This isn’t how this is suppose to happen.

“Klark please. Y-you don’t want this.”

Clarke stops her assault of kisses and looks into her ex lover’s emerald eyes.

“I don’t?”

“Yesterday you said you wanted to take things slow because you don’t trust me yet. I want to make sure you don’t regret this.”

“I don’t trust you yet Lex. But I can’t take not being close to you right now. I’ve never regretted being with you and I never will. I just need to feel you again. To touch you and taste you. Can’t we just have tonight and figure out the rest tomorrow?”

Lexa swallows hard, unsure of what to do.

“I’m not drunk if that’s what you’re worried about. We’ve spent so much time apart... I want you to fuck me like you used to. It’s been too long since I’ve screamed your name. I can’t promise you a tomorrow but I want to give you everything I have _tonight_.

Lexa’s pupils are beyond dilated. Her heart is racing and she can feel all the blood rushing to a certain appendage. The older girl can feel her resolve dwindling. Clarke is on top of her with messy post makeout hair and equally blown eyes. The firefighter’s hands are still firmly placed on her ex’s ass. She can’t take it anymore either. Being close but not close enough. Touching each other but not touching in the places they so desperately want to. Lexa mutely nods and crashes their lips together with newfound vigor. Surprised by the action, Clarke moans into the kiss. Lexa squeezes Clarke’s round perfect ass, encouraging the blonde’s former movement. Lexa can feel herself growing hard as she whimpers into Clarke’s mouth. Clarke removes her lips from Lexa’s and sucks on the older girl’s ear. Lexa shuts her eyes tight as the blonde huskily whispers a ‘follow me.’

Clarke grabs Lexa’s hand and weaves through the crowds of people in the house. Many people say hello to her and Clarke politely throws a ‘hey’ in their directions. Lexa quickly realizes that everyone at this party loves Clarke...a few people more than others. The older brunette looks around the crowd and sees a few guys and girls hungrily scanning every portion of Clarke’s body. Lexa’s cheeks burn with jealousy as she tightens her grip on the blonde’s hand. Clarke, unaware of the lustful gazes on her, sneakily strides through the masses and pulls Lexa upstairs to her bedroom.

Clarke locks the door and leans up to attach her lips to Lexa’s. The blonde pushes Lexa onto the bed and crawls onto of her like the younger Woods was her prey, ready and waiting. As soon as Lexa’s head hit the pillows, Clarke starts kissing Lexa with an intense fervour. 

Clarke’s movements are desperate and fast. Lexa though, wants to kiss every inch of Clarke’s body. She wants to worship the goddess that is Clarke Griffin. She doesn’t want to fuck Clarke. She wants to make love to her.

“Klark slow. Slow. We have time.”

The nurse slowly nods and delicately cups Lexa’s cheeks. Green meets blue and fireworks explode. Lexa’s eyes flutter shut as she leans in to recapture her one and only love’s waiting lips once more. Lexa tangles her hands in Clarke’s locks and pulls their bodies flush together. Clarke’s hands travel to the hem of Lexa’s shirt before gently pulling the garment over her lover’s head. Lexa does the same and unbuttons Clarke’s blouse revealing Clarke’s large round breasts that have only seemed to get bigger since Lexa last saw them.

Clarke goes to unhook Lexa’s bra and then her own, leaving both girls naked and bare from the waist up. Lexa can feel her erection in full force and she stares at the beauty slowly grinding on her thigh, watching as even the slightest of movements cause Clarke’s breasts to move in the most delicious of ways. Lexa wastes no time kissing and sucking down Clarke’s body, swirling her tongue around the blonde’s already hardening pink nipple. Clarke moans at the contact. It’s been too long since she’s had an intimate human encounter with anyone, let alone Lexa.

Lexa can’t believe this is actually happening. She understands that tomorrow will be different. Clarke doesn’t trust her yet. The blonde is just looking for some human companionship. Lexa likes to think it’s at least a little bit about her. That the blonde wouldn’t have wanted anyone else but her. But realistically the older girl knows exactly what this is to her ex. She just hopes that after this encounter, Clarke won’t push her away. She hopes that slowly the blonde will not only trust her with her body but her heart as well.

Both girls are now writhing messes, only left clad in their underwear. Clarke feels a familiar heat in her belly as she grinds down hard on Lexa, sucking a mark into the brunette’s pulse point. Clarke’s hand bravely goes below the waistband of Lexa’s boxers and sets free her ex’s straining dick. Clarke gasps at the size of it, clearly forgetting about Lexa’s impressive size. Lexa is impossibly turned on, squeezing her ex’s ass and thrusting up to meet Clarke’s tortuously slow movements.

“Not this slow Klark.”

“I’m only doing as you asked, Commander.”

Clarke smirks. She’s been teasing the firefighter. Lexa sees the smirk and decides to switch positions on her. Lexa quickly grabs onto Clarke’s thighs and whirls them around so that she’s on top. She pulls of Clarke’s black panties, which are now ruined, and tugs off her boxers all the way.

“Shit my condoms are in my room across the hall.”

Lexa inwardly facepalms. She didn’t think she was going to be having sex with Clarke this weekend but she still brought condoms to be prepared. 

“Wait I have some hold on.”

Clarke saunters off the bed, intentionally swaying her hips in such a teasing manner that it makes Lexa’s dick jump out a little in excitement. The blonde comes back moments later with a condom and presumes their previous positions. 

“Are you sure Klark?”

“Yes Lex. God yes.”

Lexa excitedly puts on the condom and moves her dick through Clarke’s wet folds. Both girls moan loud at the contact. Clarke wraps her thighs around Lexa’s lower back, urging the girl to her hot entrance.

“Fuck me Lex please.”

Lexa groans as she feels the tip of her cock enter Clarke’s tight slit. Lexa slowly sheathes herself into the writhing girl beneath her. 

“Fuck baby yes.”

Lexa’s eyes widen for a split second. Clarke called her ‘baby’ just like she used to. The pet name clearly slipped from her lips unintentionally, Lexa can see the shock in Clarke’s eyes. Clarke shakes her head a little before crashing their lips together and thrusting in an upward motion. Lexa takes the hint and begins to move in and out of her, reveling in Clarke’s tight warm walls wrapping around her eager dick. 

Lexa softly caresses Clarke’s cheek with one hand and kneads the flesh of one of Clarke’s breast with the other as she continues to rut in and out of her. Clarke is huskily moaning out her name, her back arched and neck muscles straining. She’s close, Lexa can tell. Clarke’s eyes are tightly shut as she scratches down Lexa’s defined back, surely leaving a mark. Lexa can’t help but stare at the beautiful Clarke Griffin. This is all she’s ever wanted and she can’t believe she’s here in this moment. Lexa can feel her orgasm approaching as well but she does her best to keep it at bay. She wants to savor every second of this. This might be the last time she is so close to Clarke.

Lexa snakes her hand down to Clarke’s throbbing clit and starts out with feather light touches. Apparently that’s all Clarke needed to orgasm because a few seconds later the blonde is screaming out Lexa’s name as her walls tighten around Lexa. Lexa moans at the newfound throbbing sensation and soon enough finds herself coming hard and fast into the condom. Lexa collapses on top of Clarke, both trying to catch their breaths. She pecks the blonde’s lips once more before she carefully pulls out of Clarke. Lexa ties the condom before throwing it in the trash in the connecting bathroom.

By the time Lexa reemerges from the bathroom, Clarke is already putting her clothes on with her back turned to the brunette. Lexa’s heart hurts. She knows what this was for Clarke. Clarke made it perfectly clear she could only promise her tonight, but it still pains Lexa. Now that she’s become reacquainted with the most intimate parts of Clarke, she never wants to let go. But she has to be patient. Clarke will get there one day… _hopefully_. One day Clarke will be ready to open up to her and share not only her body but her mind and soul as well. Lexa just has to wait.

_She’s worth it. She’s Clarke. My Clarke. I’ll wait forever for her._

The pair slowly gets dressed, both unsure of what to say. Once they’re both dressed and their post sex hair has been tamed, the duo locks gazes once more. Clarke shyly smiles at her and holds out her hand.

“Ready to go back out there?”

Lexa smiles on the outside and nods, allowing Clarke to lead her into the masses once more. 

///

Clarke takes Lexa to the kitchen and grabs them two cups of Monty’s punch, a drink that could get anyone drunk after three cups. Clarke is trying to remain calm but she can’t believe she just did that. She just had sex with her ex. The ex that she just told yesterday she wanted to take things slow with. But then Clarke started reminiscing about all the nights Lexa and Clarke spent watching the stars in one another’s arms. She thought about their first time together. She thought about how young and pure their love once was and all she wanted was to recapture that feeling of their love being infinite and wholesome once more. She just wanted to escape in a world of love and lust with the girl who still holds her heart. Clarke just wanted one night where she could abandon her anger, her sadness, and her adult responsibilities.

Clarke loves Lexa. Being close to her again made Clarke sure of that. But that doesn’t mean everything is okay now. She’s still so angry at the brunette but she doesn’t want to be. More than anything, she wishes she could let go of the past and be with the girl she loves. The mother of her beautiful little girl. But nothing can be simple in life. 

“Hey Clarkey! Where have you been? Me and Rae couldn’t find you anywhere.”

Octavia smiles at her best friend until she sees the blonde’s hand intertwined with Lexa’s. Upon closer inspection, the young Blake sees fresh bruises littering both girl’s necks (mainly Lexa’s though). 

“Oh we’ve been around.”

“Mhm I can tell. Can I borrow her for a minute Lexa?”

Lexa looked like she wanted to protest but just nodded at the ground. She squeezed Clarke’s hand before releasing her to scurry off with Octavia. Lexa defeatedly sipped her drink and walked over to Emori and Murphy to have a conversation about anything, just to get the blue eyed blondes she had in her arms less than 15 minutes ago out of her head.

///

Octavia pulls Clarke into an empty room and sighs loudly. Raven barges in a minute later, surely drunk off her ass.

“O texted meeee. She said it was an emer-erm- no wait an emergency.”

Raven gives herself a mental high five for being able to pronounce the big word without slurring too much.

“Jesus she’s shitfaced.”

O leads Raven to the bed and hands her the water bottle she had in her hand.

“Okay so Clarkey here slept with Lexa.”

“No shit O. They had to have sex to have Alex. Do you not know basic human biology? Pft.”

“I meant they had sex tonight Raven.”

Raven spits out her water in shock and it lands all over Octavia. Clarke bursts out laughing and so does Raven while Octavia scowls. When the laughter calms down, Clarke starts the conversation again.

“Wait O, how did you know we slept together?”

“You had a post sex glow about you. Plus you and Lexa are sporting hickeys like you two are still hormonal teenagers.”

“I didn’t think we were being that obvious.” Clarke mumbled.

“Relax I just am very observant when it comes to all things Clarke…...Soo? What happened? We are only a few hours into the party and you and Lexa already boned! You don’t even look drunk.”

“That’s because I’m not drunk. I was outside thinking to myself about everything and then Lexa came outside. I snuggled up to her and I remembered our first time together. I don’t know something just snapped inside me, I can’t really explain it.”

“I can!” Raven interjects, swaying with a glazed over smile. “You remembered how good Lexa was at lady loving and you got horny.”

Octavia shook her head at the car mechanic who passed out right after saying that. 

“Anyways, I uh yeah. I guess Raven’s partially right. It _has_ been awhile for me. I’ve been very um frustrated lately I guess but that’s not why I did it. I just..I wanted to feel close to Lexa again. I’ve been so angry at her for 7 years, I never really allowed myself to think about all the good times. I’ve been mad for so long. I just wanted one night where I let it all go. I wanted one night where we weren’t Clarke and Lexa, exes. I wanted one night where we were just one again. You know?”

“Does Lexa know that?”

“I told her I could only offer her today. I love her O. I do. I’ve figured it out finally but there’s so much more at play here. I just wanted one night where we could forget about all the other bullshit and just love each other. Is that dumb?”

“No it’s not. You deserve that one night. Just know that tomorrow is going to be hard.”

“God I know.”

“Look if I could I would protect you from the hurt that I believe Lexa Woods will bring you. But I know you. If you love someone, you won’t let them go without a fight. And that’s why I think you should go out there, find your girl, and have the night of your life. I’m not here to stand in your way babe, but just be aware that tomorrow is when reality sets in and shit gets real.”

“I know. I love you O.”

Clarke hugs Octavia and kisses her on the cheek. She goes to leave the room but pops her head in quick and throws out a “I love you too Rae.”

///

Clarke runs out of the room to find Lexa. Lexa is sitting talking to Murphy and Emori, laughing. But the smile doesn’t reach her eyes. She can tell Lexa is over thinking their encounter. They didn’t talk about it at all before Clarke was whisked away. Lexa and Clarke’s eyes find eachother across the room. Clarke reaches Lexa as fast as she can and pulls her up into a bruising kiss. For the tenth time tonight, Clarke whispers in the older girl’s ear, causing shivers to tingle down her spine.

“Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah I wasn't planning on so much smut in this chapter but it sort of happened that way. Oops I'm sure y'all don't mind, do ya? :)
> 
> Oh and I know it might seem like Clarke is forgiving Lexa too easily but there are still a lot of chapters left so wait and see what happens. There is still a lot of talking ahead. Clarkey is head over heels in love. She's human. It's about time she thinks a little less and acts a little more. 
> 
> I also read some comments where people were unhappy with the whole Bellamy situation. For that, I'm truly sorry. And if it triggers you in any way, there will be more discussion on the topic in detail in the next chapter. But guys and gals, don't worry! Bellamy is not a significant character in this fic. It's almost entirely about Clexa (and lil Alex) so Bellamy is absolutely not Clarke's soulmate. No way! Anyways, I hope you enjoy the story.
> 
> Thanks for all the comments and kudos :)


	20. Hurricane (The Party Pt. 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morning after the party. A lot happens actually. Drama drama drama.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies in advance for any mistakes. I just wrote this in one sitting and I don't have the energy to reread.
> 
> I'm about to rant about so get ready haha :)
> 
> Ok so first off, thank you all for commenting and expressing your opinion. I'm pretty good at taking critiques so I appreciate every single comment given on this fic so far. I would like to stress though, that nobody is perfect (in this fic and in real life). To be blunt, sometimes people do stupid shit and they don't know why. Even if to some if feels unjustified, sometimes people feel betrayed and let anger get the best of them. What I'm getting at is that everyone is human and everyone is just trying to survive. So sometimes people mess up. Life gets messy. It's important you remember this while reading this chapter.
> 
> WARNING: There are brief mentions of violence in the chapter. Also, I know some people said they wanted to avoid the chapters with Bellamy in it as a primary focus...well this is a heavy on Bellamy chapter so if you feel like it'll trigger you in some way, avoid this chapter. Message me or something and I'll give you a brief rundown of what happened.

Lexa is taken aback by Clarke’s bold and oh so public display of affection. In typical Murphy fashion, he hoots and hollers as soon as Clarke pull Lexa in for a heated kiss. There are a few drunken cheers from the crowd once they really start to get into it. Lexa doesn’t want her lips to ever leave Clarke’s. They are magnetic. The attraction to the blonde is too much to bear. 

Quickly and urgently, Clarke pulls Lexa with her up to her bedroom yet again. This time though, Lexa is the one who takes control. Lexa pushes Clarke against the wall of the darkened hallway a few feet away from Clarke’s bedroom. She grabs Clarke by the thighs and presses into her as she presses hard open mouthed kisses to the younger girl’s collarbone. Clarke whimpers and squirms under Lexa’s electric touch, gasping out her name. If this is the last weekend that they’ll ever have together, Lexa isn’t going to spend it moping. She’s going to give Clarke everything she has. She’s going to commit every sound and touch to memory and revel in it.

By the time they actually get to the bed, most of their clothes are already torn off. The sex this time is rougher than the last. Lexa’s desire to keep it slow is no longer. All that’s between right now is desperate want and lustful need. After three rounds in the throes of passion, both girls are sweaty and exhausted wrapped up in each other’s arms. Clarke is half asleep still is post orgasm bliss, laying half on top of Lexa. The firefighter is holding on of the blonde’s hands, rubbing soft circles into the pale creamy skin. Lexa tenderly kisses the other girl’s forehead as both of their breathing evens out.

Lexa is trying to calm down from all the activities of the night but she just can’t find it in her willpower to do so. Not when Clarke is cuddling into her like only a lover would. The lines between just a ‘one night fuck’ have been sufficiently blurred, leaving Lexa as a jumbled ball of mixed confused emotions. Lexa seemingly has everything she could ever want in her arms right now. But now that she has it all, when she loses it once morning comes, her heart will be ripped from her chest and handed to Clarke on a silver platter. She knows that Clarke doesn’t mean to hurt her. She knows she has hurt Clarke and now the blonde is just trying to cope, but all Lexa can selfishly think about is how hard it’ll be tomorrow when she wakes up with a cold space next to her.

///

The next morning, Clarke wakes up before Lexa. The older girl looks so peaceful in her deep slumber. Clarke is still laying half on top of her but can’t seem to move as Lexa grips on to her holding on for dear life. Clarke decides to enjoy their entangled position a little longer. The blonde softly caresses her ex’s face and snuggles deeper into her embrace. Clarke inhales Lexa’s scent and enjoys the warmth emanating from the firefighter’s body for a few more minutes before she sneaks out of Lexa’s grip. Clarke grabs some clothes and takes a shower. By the time she’s out, Lexa is still fast asleep. Clarke snorts to herself. Lexa always was a deep sleeper.

Clarke quietly approaches her still very naked ex girlfriend and press a soft kiss to her forehead and mumbles an ‘I love you Lex’ before leaving the room. Clarke felt comfortable saying those three words to her fast asleep ex girlfriend because she knew the brunette wouldn’t hear it. Clarke needs more time before she can say them outloud for Lexa’s ears to hear.

Clarke is the first one up in the whole house as usual. Everyone is scattered all over, knocked out. They will surely be nursing a serious hangover when they wake up. Clarke goes to the kitchen and makes some coffee for everyone. She clears all the empty liquor bottles and red solo cups before she washes down the counters. When the kitchen looks like a kitchen again, she cooks up a nice greasy breakfast for everyone to scarf down. Slowly, she hears everyone waking up one by one. Lots of groans and dry heaving can be heard echoing throughout the halls of the severely trashed cabin.

Raven comes stumbling out of the bathroom she passed out in, with a grimace on her face wearing someone else’s shirt.

“Rae you look like ray of sunshine as always.”

“Shh too loud. Need coffee and sustenance.” Raven grumbles and lays her head down on the cool surface of the kitchen table.

Clarke chuckles and serves her a plate of bacon, sausage, eggs, and pancakes. She always prepares the hungover girl a tall heaping cup of plain bitter black coffee just like she likes it. Raven sighs out in relief when she swallows her first large gulp of the burning hot liquid.

Octavia and Lincoln come out of their room showered and ready to take on the day. Raven all but growls at them as they laugh and talk much too loudly for her tastes while entering the kitchen.

“How are your heads not exploding right now?”

“Well Rae we didn’t know em back like you. Who was that girl you hooked up with by the way?”

Raven’s face scrunches up as she tries to think back but draws a blank. She’d like to blame her forgetfulness on the tequila but truthfully she never asked her name anyways.

“Eh I don’t know. Good screw though.”

Lincoln laughs and high fives Raven before stealing a piece of bacon off her plate.

“Hey hands off Hulk. Get your own.”

Lincoln childishly sticks his tongue out and grabs another piece of bacon, play fighting with Raven. With those two distracted, Octavia sets her mark on Clarke. She needs to make sure her best friend is alright after the long night of ex sex she had.

“Hey babe. Where’s Lexa?”

Clarke’s easygoing smile drops a little. 

“She’s still asleep in my room.”

Octavia nods and takes a big sip of her coffee.

“So are you two okay then? Do you know what this means for you too?”

Clarke pauses for a second before answering. Truthfully, after she woke up this morning she didn’t want to overthink last night so she distracted herself with cooking and cleaning.

“I honestly have no clue what this means. I mean I love her. I know that now. I’m exhausted from trying to deny that. But I don’t know where that leaves us. O, being in her arms last night made me feel things I haven’t in years.”

Octavia wiggled her eyes suggestively and Clarke rolled her eyes.

“Not like that. You know what I mean.. I felt safe. I felt like I was at home. But every time I let myself fall into her arms I wonder ‘Why didn’t she trust me enough to tell me why she was leaving? Didn’t I deserve more than a voicemail? Why did she wait so long to come back?’ I just let my head get the best of me. I need time.”

“It’s understandable C. So what was last night then? A one night thing?..at least for now.”

“I don’t know. It’s stupid to think we can go back to being just co-parents to Alex after last night. But I’m not ready for a relationship. Where does that leave us?”

“Limbo, I’m afraid. You’re in a weird spot. You should talk to her so she clearly knows what last night was for you.”

“Yeah you’re right. I will. I just -”

Octavia coughs loudly and not at all subtly tilts her head in the direction of the kitchen doorway, where Lexa is awkwardly standing. Clarke and Octavia’s conversation comes to a sudden halt. It’s obvious they were talking about Lexa. Lexa self consciously tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and stares at her shoes.

“Hey Lex! Clarke made some food if you want some.” Lincoln hollers in between shoving his face with pancakes. Lexa nods and goes to get a cup of coffee. There is a tension in the air between the two girls and it is very different from last night’s. Sterling, Monty, Bryan, Miller, Murphy, Emori, and Bellamy soon matriculate into the kitchen, eager to fill their stomachs with food to remedy their hangovers.

Clarke and Lexa sit on opposite sides of the table. Lexa talks to Monty, Sterling, Bryan, Miller, and Bellamy during the awkward breakfast. And Clarke talks to Murphy, Emori, Lincoln, Octavia, and a very grumpy Raven. The table conversations weren’t intentionally divided so but it just naturally happened that way. After breakfast, everyone decided to meet up in an hour for a hike.

Lexa, Clarke, Octavia, and Lincoln were already dressed. Lincoln is oblivious to the awkward tension of the room and keeps chatting away with Lexa in the living room. Clarke wants to run away and hide but nonetheless remains seated in the comfy armchair across the Lexa and Lincoln. 

Lexa seems engrossed in the conversation but every now and then she spares a glance in Clarke’s direction longingly. When Lexa woke up this morning, she knew she would be waking up alone. It still hurt though. A part of her secretly wished that she would wake up with a blonde beauty fast asleep in her arms. Waking up alone only further confirmed what this was to Clarke. Just one night. One night of pleasure. Lexa understands. She does.Truly. But that doesn’t mean that waking up to find out that Clarke sneaked away didn’t cause an unbearable ache in her chest. 

Octavia comes up behind Lincoln and whispers something in his ear. Lexa doesn’t know what she said for sure but she assumes it has something to do with her and Clarke since Lincoln’s eyes darted back and forth between them before scurrying off with his fiancee. There is a beat of silence where nothing is said. Neither girl could look the other in the eye without flashbacks of skin on skin and loud whimpers of pleasure from last night assaulting their memories. Lexa couldn’t take the silence anymore.

“Are we okay Clarke?”

Clarke looked nervous but still thoughtfully nodded and cleared her throat before speaking.

“Y-yeah. We’re okay. I’m sorry I left in the morning. I -”

“It’s okay. You told me what last night was.” 

Lexa cut Clarke off. She couldn’t bear to hear Clarke’s rejection. She couldn’t take hearing the words from her lover’s mouth.

“Yeah I did. I uh I’m not sure where this leaves us Lex.”

Lexa nods, still not quite meeting Clarke’s gaze.

“Do you regret last night?” Lexa whispers so low Clarke almost couldn’t hear her.

“No.” Clarke’s answer was so quick and resolute that it causes Lexa to look up with hopeful eyes teeming with insecurity.

“I already told you I could never regret being with you Lex. I loved every moment of last night. It’s just now it’s so much more complicated. I do think last night needed to happen sooner or later though. I couldn’t think straight whenever I got to close to you. My head was too foggy with desire.”

Lexa’s cheek tint red as she suppresses a smirk. It’s somewhat comforting to know that Clarke also feels the pull to her as she does. It is quite distracting, Lexa admits.

“I know what you mean.”

“I know you know.” Clarke mischievously smiles. “You think I didn’t notice all the times you were staring at my ass?”

Lexa’s cheeks are now full blown red with embarrassment. 

“What?! No I uh um.. fuck okay fine but can you blame me? You’re gorgeous.”

Clarke smiles and waves her hand as if she was shooing away the compliment. Clarke was never good at accepting compliments because she never believe they actually hold any merit. Clarke had confidence in everyone but herself sometimes. Lexa always made sure to remind her that she was special too and that she elevated herself.

“Anyways..I just wanted you to know that last night wasn’t just about being close to someone. I wanted to be with you Lex. I’m still not ready for a relationship and I’m not even sure if I’m ready for dating you but I think maybe we should try hanging out alone... I mean without Alex.”

Lexa’s heart flutters and she can’t help but smile. Ok so it’s not a date but it’s something. Lexa can’t stop the lazy wide smile that graces her lips as she furiously nods. Clarke chuckles and bites her lip to stop her half smile from turning to a full blown one. 

“Ok so let’s not be awkward yeah? We’re adults. We had sex.”

“A lot of sex.”

“Fine lots and lots of sex. Happy?”

“With having lots and lots of sex with you? Clarke is that even a question?”

Lexa smirks and Clarke throws a pillow at her.

“You’re such a little shit.”

“I’ve been told such things before.”

And the two girls were passed the awkwardness, joking around and lightly flirting. Everything seemed to be at ease and good. But really it was the calm before the storm.

///

The first part of the hike goes by pretty quick. Half the group is much more in shape than the others. Lexa, Lincoln, Octavia, Miller, Bellamy, and Emori lead the group while the others were quite happy lagging behind and taking long breaks. Lexa occasionally waits for Clarke and sits with her while the nurse catches her breath. 

Clarke drinks all her water rather quickly so Lexa gives her hers. Clarke gives her a sheepish smile and takes a consciously small sip. Clarke is walking with Raven all the way in the back when she stumbles and falls backwards body twisting so that she hits the front of her head pretty hard on a rock.

“Shit!! Fuck guys come here, Clarke fell and hit her head on a rock.”

Lexa and the rest of the group hears the commotion as soon as it happens. Lexa turns around and sees Clarke on the ground with blood seeping from a fresh wound, unmoving. Lexa feels the wind kicked out from underneath as she sprints towards Clarke. Lexa gets to her first and falls to her knees, examining the wound.

“Clarke are you okay? Can you move?.”

Clarke is still unmoving and it terrifies Lexa to death. Lexa pushes out the hair from the blonde’s face and gets a closer look at the wound. It doesn’t seem too deep which is good. She’s not a nurse, but she’s seen enough cuts up close to know that Clarke probably won’t need stitches. What’s really freaking her out though is the fact that Clarke isn’t moving. She’s awake and her eyes are open and responsive but her face is contorted in pain. A few seconds later, Clarke quietly groans out in pain and tries to get up. Lexa lets out a huge sigh of relief. If Clarke wasn’t okay, she would fall apart.

“Lex.” Clarke mumbles while stumbling a little as she tries to lift herself off the floor.

“Clarke go slow. How do you feel?” 

“Like an uncoordinated idiot.”

“Sing it Griff.” Murphy chimes in from the back of the group. Emori lightly hits him on the shoulder and scolds him. Lexa throws him a quick death glare before directing her attention back to the injured girl in front of her.

“Lex I promise ‘m fine.”

“You could have a concussion. We should take you to the hospital.”

“No hospital. I promise you I’m okay.”

“Clarke you hit your head on a rock and pretty hard too.”

“Look if it makes you feel any better, Sterling can check me out. He’s a pediatrician after all. He has a medical degree okay?”

Lexa looks unsure. She doesn’t want to take a risk with Clarke’s health. Not her Clarke.

“I don’t know. I still think we should go to the hospital.”

“Lex please trust me.”

Clarke gives her best puppy dog pout and beckons for Sterling to come over. The whole group goes back with Clarke to the cabin despite her declarations that she’s fine. Lexa even demands that she carry her bridal style. Clarke refuses at first but Lexa is so damn persistent so once they get to solid ground, Clarke relents. If Clarke is being honest, she loves the feeling of Lexa’s flexed toned arms wrapped around her. Lexa doesn’t even look like she’s breaking a sweat carrying Clarke. Clarke has to admit that after seeing her last night, Lexa is in the best shape of her life. Lexa always looked good in high school, but this older version of Lexa is thirty times stronger with muscles that are much much more defined. Clarke isn’t complaining one bit. 

Once they get back to the house, Lexa lays Clarke on the couch. Clarke huffs, feigning annoyance for being treated like a child. Her head wound is still bleeding a little but not as profusely as before. Lexa still looks frantic and Clarke can tell the older girl’s heart is still racing. When Clarke was lying on the ground not moving, Lexa looked more scared than she’s ever seen. Lexa runs to the kitchen to get her a water and a warm rag. She orders Bellamy to go get the first aid kit from the bathroom and tells Sterling to look at Clarke again.

When Lexa returns to living room, Clarke pats the couch cushion next to her and Lexa reluctantly sits down next to her. Clarke holds out her hand and softly talks Lexa down from the ledge she’s put herself on.

“Lex breathe. I’m okay. Look at me. I’m okay.”

Sterling takes a flashlight and checks Clarke’s eyes. He gives her the okay and Clarke playfully sticks her tongue out at Lexa and whispers her an ‘I told you so.’ Lexa calms considerably when Sterling says Clarke is okay. 

“Wow Lexa you went in full on Commander mode.” Raven calls out from the kitchen while shoving her face with cold pizza she found in the fridge.

“I wasn’t that bad guys.” Lexa mumbles.

“Lex, you were the epitome of the commander a few minutes ago.” Clarke smiles and scoots closer to whisper the next part. “It’s okay it was fucking hot.” Lexa tries to hide her smile but fails when Clarke pecks her cheek.

Clarke shooes the gang away. She thanks them for being so concerned but assures them she’s fine and just wants to get clean her cut. Everyone but Lexa goes to the backyard while Lincoln starts grilling lunch. Lexa refuses to leave her and insists she clean Clarke up. Clarke doesn’t put up any fight..and she doesn’t really want to. She loves seeing this side of Lexa. It makes her feel all warm inside when _her_ Lexa gets all protective. Shit. Did she just say _her_ Lexa?! Man, this weekend has been a slippery slope for Clarke. At this point, Clarke feels like she’s partially still mad at Lexa just because she feels like she has to be. It’s stupid and she knows it. Clarke wants to work out all their shit before they start a real relationship because she knows that if it doesn’t work out this time, it’s over for good this time. There will be no third chance for them. When they start again for real, they have to be on sturdy ground. And Clarke is still so damn confused and all over the place. She doesn’t know what she’s doing at this point.

Lexa is so gentle as she wipes away the dried blood from Clarke’s cheek and forehead. She cleans and sterilizes the wound, causing Clarke to wince in discomfort. Lexa looks at her apologetically and squeezes her hand reassuringly. Lexa puts a bandage on to cover the cut and presses a light kiss to Clarke’s hand.

“There all better.”

“Thanks Lex. I feel so stupid.”

“You’re not stupid. Clumsy maybe.”

Clarke snorts and playfully pushes her a little harder than she meant to.

“Hey that’s not fair. I can’t retaliate! You’re injured.”

“I’m sure you’ll find some way to get back at me Woods.” Clarke whispers seductively before she saunters off to the backyard, turning around the watch her ex drool at her behind like she always does. Lexa does not disappoint as her eyes are glued on the blonde’s ass.

“Ha you’re so predictable.”

“You did that little walk on purpose.”

“Aren’t you the observant one?”

Clarke doesn’t wait for an answer as she laughs the rest of the way to the backyard, Lexa following closely behind smiling like an idiot. She’s missed this carefree banter with the blonde. She’s been so cautious not to overstep with Clarke. It’s nice to just be. It’s nice to have some light conversation with Clarke that’s not so heavy. It makes her think that one day they’ll get back to where they once were all those years ago.

///

Everything seems to go back to normal just like it used to be in high school. Lincoln is grilling while everyone else is sitting around the backyard chatting and drinking chilled beer. Clarke and Octavia are in the kitchen inside cutting veggies and making a salad. Lexa is sitting with Bellamy, Raven, Murphy, and Emori on an old playground set the Blakes used to play on as kids at the far end of the backyard. The group was laughing and joking about the old high school days when Raven was a bookworm with no game and Murphy wore too much Axe body spray.

“All I’m saying is that Raven over here used to have no game.” Bellamy challenges before chugging his beer and grabbing another can from the pack.

“Hey hey hey I’ll have you know I always had game, I just didn’t want to waste it on hormonal immature high school kids.”

“What happened Bell afraid she’s stealing your reigning title?” Murphy sneers at him as the whole group chuckles.

“Hey I thought you said you weren’t a player anymore Blake?” Lexa cuts in. She missed this easy banter with her old friends.

“Oh he’s not a player anymore, not after the Clarke incident of 2015. Man that was -” Murphy doesn’t have the chance to finish his sentence before Bellamy punches him hard in the shoulder.

“Hey man! What the hell are you shoving me for?!” Murphy looks pissed and confused but Bellamy refuses to look up and crunches his beer can with his bare hands.

Lexa swallows hard. Did Murphy just say..? No. Lexa shakes her head. Bellamy would have never.. Oh my god. Lexa looks up and sees Raven and Emori’s sad sympathetic faces. The firefighter dares to look over at Bellamy but he does not return her gaze. He hangs his head in shame. He’s guilty of something..and now she knows exactly what it is. Harsh realization hits Lexa at full force. This is what all the awkward nervous pauses in conversations were about. Bellamy seemed off last night talking about his love life. And before that, Clarke seemed awkward when Lexa asked about Bellamy’s conquests. Her heart is shattering in her chest.

“Clarke..you slept with...Clarke?” Lexa speaks very carefully as if it takes all her energy to pull out each word. It’s as if saying each syllable physically pains her. Bellamy at least has the decency to look remorseful. He finally forces himself to look up and sees the utter pain and betrayal in Lexa’s eyes. He doesn’t know what to do or what to say. He thinks the first words out of his mouth should be an apology but he’s at a lost for words. Bellamy looks over her shoulder as if he’s hoping help with be on the way. He can see Clarke laughing through the kitchen window with Octavia. He’s on his own with this one.

“Lexa..I - we..it was only once.”

Fuck this hurts so much more than she could have ever anticipated. Everyone else is silent. Honestly, nobody knows what to do. Clarke and Lexa weren’t together but that doesn’t mean it’s easy for Lexa to hear that the love of her life slept with someone she considers to be like a brother to her.

Lexa feels a hot flaming anger building up in her stomach. She feels betrayed but not even because of Clarke..because of Bellamy. Bellamy Blake. He had his hands all over Clarke. Her Clarke. Did Clarke moan and sigh out in pleasure for him like she did with Lexa just a few hours ago? White hot jealousy and anger courses through her veins. All she sees is red. Lexa violently shakes her head and throws her full can of beer on the floor. She hurriedly gets up from the swing she was sitting on and stomps off. She can’t be here right now. She can’t stand the sympathetic looks from her friends and the guilty face of fucking Bellamy Blake.

If it was anyone else, she would have accepted it. She understands she has no claim on Clarke. Clarke is her own person and Lexa was gone for 7 years. Logically, Lexa knows Clarke has been with other people in her absence. It’s not something she wants to think about but it’s a fact nonetheless that she accepts. But Bellamy. Bellamy was suppose to be her friend. How could he do this? How could he do this when he was the only person who knew the truth? Lexa can hear his pleas ‘wait Lexa please let me explain.’ She needs to get away. She can’t breathe. She’s on the brink of exploding.

Bellamy runs after her and grabs her wrist. He just wants to explain. 

Lexa turns around and punches the older Blake square in the jaw. Bellamy goes down. Everyone in the backyard freezes. Clarke and Octavia see the exchanged from the window and run outside.

“How could you do that?! You knew! You knew and you still did it!”

Lexa is fuming. Clarke stops short. Her stomach is in knots. She knows exactly what this is about. She was dreading the day she had to tell Lexa. She knew the older girl would be hurt, maybe even feel betrayed. In her defense, she owed Lexa nothing. For all she knew, Lexa abandoned her and didn’t give two shits about her. It was a one time drunken mistake. She made a mistake. They made a mistake.

Bellamy softly touches his jaw and winces. There will surely be a bruise there soon enough. When Bellamy goes to say ‘I’m sorry,’ Lexa lunges forward to strike again. Clarke grabs her arm just in time to stop the firefighter from handing Bellamy an assbeating.

“Lex please. Stop. Look at me Lex. Please.”

Lexa, heavily breathing and trying to catch her breathe, turns toward Clarke. She can’t look the blonde in the eye. She can’t stop picturing it. Clarke and Bellamy. Bellamy and Clarke. He said it was one time but maybe he’s lying in a distorted effort to lessen the blow. Was it a relationship? Did they fall in love? Or was it just dirty raw casual sex? Was it really just one time? Her thoughts made her feel bile rising in her throat and left a sour taste in her mouth. Lexa finally looks up at Clarke and sees sorrow and unsaid apologies. Clarke’s eyes are watery.

“When?” Lexa croaks out. That’s all she can say right now.

Clarke doesn’t look surprised at the question but still inhales a deep breathe of air for courage before she quietly responds.

“Last year. We were at a bar celebrating his birthday. Around midnight all the couples went home. It was just me, Raven, and Bell. Rae went home with some Swedish backpacker. Me and Bell were so drunk. His apartment was around the corner. I didn’t want to go back to my mom’s house drunk so I decided to crash at his.”

The tears were falling from Clarke’s eyes. Lexa looked more broken than the blonde has ever seen her. Clarke knew that she did nothing wrong technically. They weren’t together and hadn’t been for a long time but Lexa’s face was breaking her heart. 

“It just happened. I..I...in the morning we were both mortified. We agreed it was a one time thing. I’m so sorry Lex. I was going to tell you eventually but we still don’t know what we are to each other and we haven’t had the ex talk. I didn’t know how to bring it up. I promise you it didn’t mean anything.”

“Maybe not to you..but it does to me.” Lexa defeatedly said before trying to walk away.

“Lex wait.”

“I have no right to be angry at you Clarke. I wasn’t here. I just - I can’t stop imagining it in my head. Please, I’m begging you, just give me some time right now. I need to clear my head.”

Clarke chokes out a sob but allows Lexa to walk away. It can’t be easy to find out about her and Bell. She’ll give the older girl her space. Clarke won’t apologize for her actions but she is sorry that she hurt Lexa. She never wanted to hurt her. She didn’t sleep with Bell to get back at her or spite her ex in any way. In truth, Clarke doesn’t know why she does what she does half the time. She truly doesn’t know why she slept with Bell. It was a drunken mistake. There was no reason behind it beside too much vodka and lowered inhibitions. 

Clarke feels like she’s falling apart at the seams. Actually, she’s been feeling this way for a long damn time. The only reason she has been able to keep it together is Alex. Clarke doesn’t like to think about herself and her own problems for too long because if she does she can feel herself start to crumble from within. She’s lost and the only thing that keeps her afloat is her baby girl and her family and friends.

Murphy helps Bell up off the floor and apologizes for opening his mouth. He really didn’t mean to start shit. He’s not the troublemaking little prick he used to be. He’s grown up...more or less. As soon as he saw the pain on Lexa’s face when she found out and the tears in Clarke’s eyes, he instantly felt a million times worse. Emori is giving him a look now too. Shit. He’s totally in the doghouse.

The rest of the group is still frozen. Octavia pulls Bell aside and wipes the blood off his face, while Raven comforts Clarke. Nobody has a clue where Lexa has run off to. The girl needs her space to cool off though, that much is clear.

Fifteen minutes later, the tension in the air is still strained and at an all time high. Everybody is eerily quiet, listening to the sounds of Lincoln flipping burgers on the grill and the birds chirping around them. Bellamy gets up to go in the house but Clarke stops him.

“What are you doing?” She spits out. She’s not mad at him. It was as much as her fault as it was his. She’s just mad at the whole fucking situation. Clarke really felt like her and Lexa were on solid ground or at least getting there. Now though...now it all seems hopeless.

“I need to talk to her Clarke.”

“No. No way. If anyone is going to talk to her, it’s going to be me.”

“Listen to me. She’s not mad at you. It’s me. It’s all on me.”

“What the fuck are you talking about Bell? I was there too. I’m as much a guilty party in this.”

Frustrated, Bellamy shakes his head.

“There are things you don’t know okay? Now let me through. Please.”

“What do you mean? What don’t I know?”

“Clarke please just fucking let me through.”

Clarke refuses to budge. Raven comes up beside her and softly speaks to the overly distraught girl.

“Clarke, maybe you should let him go.”

If looks could kill, Raven would be well on her way to the morgue right now. Raven doesn’t give up though and gives Clarke a gentle, sad smile. Some of the tension drains from the blonde’s body and she moves away so that Bellamy could get through.

///

Bellamy braces himself for the fast approaching confrontation with Lexa. He looks in every room of the house but there’s no sign of her. He goes outside on the front porch and finds her wiping away her tears with her fists tightly clenched like she’s prepared for a fight to the death. Bellamy gulps and cautiously approaches her.

“You must be proud of yourself. Bellamy Blake, ‘World’s Biggest Player.” Lexa dejectedly laughs and wipes away her tears. She looks him in the eye and continues with “You could have fucked anyone. I bet you could have had your way with a handful of ready and waiting girls in the bar that night. But you chose her. You just had to fuck her didn’t you?!”

Lexa got up from her seat and approaches him, her voice getting louder and louder. Soon enough, she’s yelling loud enough that the neighbors can probably hear.

“Why Bellamy? Tell me why her?!”

“Lexa -”

“NO! You shutup and let me say what I have to say.”

Bellamy slowly nods and looks to the floor, bracing himself for another punch that never comes. 

“I know I wasn’t here. I know I left. I have no right to be upset with Clarke. She’s not mine. She’s her own person and I was gone for years. She can sleep with who she pleases. I fucking hate saying that let alone thinking it but it’s the truth. She didn’t even know the real reason behind why I left so she didn’t owe me anything. But you-”

Lexa pokes him hard.

“You.” She pokes at his chest again.

“Knew.” And again.

“Why.” Then she shoves him.

“I.” And again.

“Left.” And again.

Bellamy stumbles backwards and hangs his head in regret. He knows he fucked up. He doesn’t think he deserves forgiveness because he did know. He’s known all along.

_///_

_8 Years Ago_

_Lexa just left Clarke a voicemail that will forever change both of their lives. Lexa’s eyes are puffy from crying over the fact that she will never see her love again mixed with the shock and anguish of having to kill a man. Anya said they need to drive night and day to get out of the state. Lexa numbly nods as the tears freely fall from her cheeks, staining her shirt. Both of their faces are fucked up from the beatings they just received from Emerson and Cage. More so Anya though as she was being tortured for hours before. Lexa insists she needs medical attention but Anya said they don’t have time and need to get out of Polis right now if they have any chance of survival._

_They are driving on the abandoned back highway right outside of Polis when they pass by a deserted 24/7 convenience store. Lexa convinces Anya to stop there so that they can get some supplies for this impending cross country drive and maybe see if they have any gauzes or first aid supplies to help clean their wounds. Since Anya’s face and the rest of her body is in really bad shape, Lexa goes into the store alone to avoid suspicion. Anya parks two parking lots away where no cameras can see their car plates. The Mount Weathers own businesses all over the state, specifically in Polis. She doesn’t want to risk being found because of a crappy camera in a convenience store parking lot._

_Lexa grabs a shopping cart and quickly fills it with some food, water, and first aid supplies. She also buys a pocket knife just in case she needs it. After the day she has had, she thinks she will always carry a weapon on her from now on. Lexa has her hoodie up and shades on to cover the bruises she has on her eyes but she can’t hide the red angry hand marks tattooed across her neck. The cashier, who looks like a sweet old man, refuses to take Lexa’s money. He tells her that he hopes wherever she goes after this is better than where she’s been and gives her a hot chocolate for the road. Lexa thanks him profusely and leaves the store. She’s about to turn the corner to the parking lot when none other than Bellamy Blake runs into her and the contents of her bag spill all over the ground._

_At first, Bellamy doesn’t recognize her. She tries to walk away, leaving her groceries and supplies scattered on the ground, but the floppy haired boy gently grabs her arm. He picks up everything and places it back in the bag. He can tell the poor girl who is now turned away from him, successfully shielding her face, is in some sort of trouble. She’s jumpy and trying to hide her identity._

_“I’m sorry I bumped into you miss. Here you go.”_

_Bellamy tries to hand over the bags to this mystery woman. Lexa, keeping her face hidden, turns slightly to accept the bags. And that’s when he sees it. The infinity tattoo with the word ‘Clarke’ scripted in cursive on her wrist._

_“What the fuck.. Lexa?!”_

_Bellamy tugs at her hoodie until Lexa reluctantly turns around and takes her shades off. Bellamy is instantly filled with worry, concern, and then anger at the motherfucker who did this to his friend._

_“Bell..”_

_“What happened?! Who did this to you?! Oh my god look at your neck!”_

_Anger is coursing through his veins. Bellamy is naturally protective over his friends and family. Lexa has become like a sister to him. He swears he will hunt whoever did this to her down. Lexa has tears in her eyes. She doesn’t want to put him in danger._

_“Bell just leave it alone. I have to go.”_

_Lexa tries to turn away but Bellamy won’t let her._

_“No. No. Lexa listen to me, whatever happened you can trust me. Please goddamnit I’m here for you. I’ll do anything to help you just don’t shut me out.”_

_Bellamy’s voice is cracking. It’s killing him to see Lexa beaten with a look of defeat in her eyes. The younger Woods’ eyes have always been bright and lively..well at least since Clarke came into the picture._

_Lexa clenches her jaw, contemplating what to say. There’s no way Bellamy is going to let her just leave. If Bellamy tells Clarke about the shape she was in when he last saw her, Clarke will never stop looking. And Lexa can’t let that happen. If Clarke thinks Lexa is in danger, she will never give up. It’s better for her to think Lexa just left for no reason than have Clarke try and hunt her down and get mixed up with the Mount Weathers in the process. If the ruthless gang thinks the blonde knows anything, Clarke will be dead. Besides, she wants Clarke to have the chance of moving on someday, of having a normal life. Lexa needs to leave tonight to ensure Clarke’s safety and unfortunately now that Bellamy is involving himself, he’s going to have to help her do it._

_“You’ll do anything to help me?”_

_“Yes, you know that. Please Lex tell me what’s happening.”_

_“I need to leave town..tonight. I just stopped here to get some supplies and-”_

_Standing tall with his arms crossed, Bellamy furiously shakes his head and cuts her off._

_“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re not leaving. We can fix whatever happened.”_

_Lexa sadly smiles, her eyes foggy with tears unshed._

_“I wish that was possible.”_

_“Lexa please I can he-”_

_“The only way you can help is if you don’t tell a soul you saw me...especially Clarke.”_

_“This is going to break Clarke’s heart.”_

_She can’t stop the few tears that break free and stain her cheeks yet again._

_“I’d rather her have a broken heart than be dead.”_

_“What kind of trouble are you in? We can go to the police and they can -”_

_“NO! No cops Bellamy. You have to promise me that when I’m gone you don’t go to the cops.”_

_Bellamy just stares at her, unsure of what to do. Lexa looks so unlike normally confident smirking self. She looks nervous, afraid, and heartbroken. Lexa sighs and continues talking in hushed whispers._

_“Listen to me, if I tell you this I need you to promise me to never tell a soul. Bellamy I mean it. If you tell anyone, their life could be at stake. Hell, if I tell you, your life could be at stake.”_

_“Tell me. I promise.” Bellamy says without hesitation._

_“My sister got into some trouble with uh - well it doesn’t matter with who. But Bell they were going to kill her. They beat her. Tortured her. I got a call from them. They wanted cash. I brought them all I had but it wasn’t good enough. Fuck I tried - I really tried.”_

_Lexa wipes away her tears._

_“We got away but not without blood on our hands. We have to go on the run. These people are really dangerous, you - you don’t understand. If they do figure out it was us.. they won’t just kill us. They’ll kill Clarke, Lincoln, you, O, anyone we are close to. As of now, they don’t know anything and it’ll stay that way if you let me walk away and never come back.”_

_“Fuck!”_

_Bellamy punches the brick wall out of frustration. His knuckles are bleeding. There’s nothing he can do to fix this. He has never felt so helpless and useless in his life._

_“Bell I really have to go. I’ve said much too much and I’ve been out in the open too long.”_

_“How can you be sure they won’t figure out it was you?”_

_“We wiped the place clean. There’s no trace of us and there were no cameras. Nobody else knew our location, they said it themselves.”_

_“Who’s they?”_

_“I can’t tell you that. I know you. You’ll going snooping. You’ll try to fix this and you’ll get yourself killed.”_

_“But if they didn’t know it was you and Anya, why can’t you stay? You said it yourself, nobody knew your location. Won’t running away make you look guilty?”_

_“It’s hard to explain without giving you too much information Bell. Anya always sold under an alias. The only two people who knew her real identity are dead. But if anyone else finds out her real name, we would be screwed. If we leave now and they find out her real identity, they will still be on the lookout for us but they won’t have any clue who our loved ones are. If we leave now, everyone we love is safe. If we stay and they find us out, they will stalk us down. They will watch our every movement. Study our habits. They would get under our skin and carve out our hearts. They would take down everyone we love with us. I refuse to let that happen.”_

_“But Lexa -”_

_“Bellamy, I need to keep her safe. Nothing can stop me from protecting her..not even you.”_

_Bellamy knows she’s not talking about Anya._

_“Please promise me you’ll look out for her and keep her safe. She’s all I have. Swear that you’ll look out for her when I’m not here.”_

_“I swear I will.”_

_“Thank you. Protect my girl for me.”_

_Bellamy hugs her tight, careful not to further upset her obvious injuries. He wipes away his own stray tear as he watches a part of his family walk away into the darkness._

_///_

“There’s no excuse. I have no excuse. I know I’m a piece of shit.”

Lexa balks at him.

“Really?! Really?! That’s what you’re going to say right now. That’s a shitty apology."

Lexa closes her eyes and tries to calm her breathing. She can feel the anger leaving her body being replaced with prickling numbness. She felt emotionally exhausted. Lexa tried to move past him but Bellamy followed her into the house.

“Lexa please you have to believe me when I say I’m sorry. Do you know what it was like keeping the real reason behind why you left a secret from Clarke?! I knew the risks if I told her so I kept my mouth shut but fuck! I saw her break down for months and I couldn’t say a damn thing. And then Alex was born and Clarke had to raise her alone. She looked for you for months. She convinced herself you didn’t love her. You don’t know how bad I wanted to tell her the truth. I desperately wanted to tell her that you love her more than anything in this world and that’s why you left. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t because you were right all those years ago...a broken hearted Clarke is better than a dead one. So I did what I had to and convinced her to give up her search for you. I never stopped looking for you for years though. When I became a cop, I tried finding you. I tried for two years. I thought whoever the hell it was that you were running from found you. You don’t know how many times I went to morgues around the area, praying to god that the Jane Doe on the slab that matched your description wasn’t you. I thought you were dead.”

Lexa’s voice is as cool as ice.

“So basically you’re saying that if I was dead, it would be okay to sleep with her? She’s more than a one night fuck Bellamy! I asked you to protect her, not make her one of your conquests!”

“I know okay! I know it was fucked up. I regretted it immediately. I didn’t plan it. We were drunk. When I woke up and realized what we did, I felt like I betrayed you. Clarke freaked out too and left immediately. We didn’t talk for weeks. It was eating me alive. Fuck, it still is. Clarke didn’t know why you left and I did. I felt like I manipulated her in some way. I felt like I broke both of your trusts. I promised to look out for her and I turn around and pull this crap.”

“I can’t do this anymore and I'm not about to listen to you pity yourself for another second. Truth is, I _technically_ have no right to be mad.” Lexa defeatedly sighs, wishing to just end this conversation even if she really doesn’t mean the words she's saying. She might not technically have a right to be mad but she sure as hell is nonetheless.

Bellamy looks like he's about to protest but a new voice cuts him off.

“Well do I have a right to be mad? Because from what I gathered from you two’s screaming match, both of you having been lying to me.”

Bellamy and Lexa whip their heads around to see a small figure standing with her arms crossed at the end of the dark hallway. 

“Clarke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some have commented saying that Bellamy just seems like a means for more angst and maybe that's true... more or less. Here's why Bellamy's backstory is essential for a few reasons. 
> 
> A.) Clarke was this close to just moving on and completely letting Lexa back in. Obviously it'll happen eventually, but now Clarke is forced to have yet another conversation with Lexa about the past. Clarke was going to push her feelings down (whether they're unjustified or not) and pursue something with Lexa. They were going too fast and it would have crashed and burned cause Clarke still wasn't fully communicating with Lexa. As we found out in this chapter, there are many things we still don't know and lots of emotions flying around. 
> 
> B.) Sometimes shit happens. Clarke slept with Lexa's former best friend. C'mon of course that's angsty duh! But just know that it goes beyond adding some angst for Clexa. It also sheds some more light on Lexa's past and how it will affect her future with Clarke. 
> 
> So I felt the need to write these little rants just to clarify the reasoning behind these character's actions as best as I can. I don't take offense if you guys disagree with something the characters did because hey sometimes I do too! But it's a story and stuff is gonna happen that frustrates us occasionally. Personally, I think evoking emotion while reading is a compliment so I don't mind when y'all get a lil passionate in the comment section. 
> 
> I do have a feeling some people won't be happy with some of the characters after this chapter but hey that's okay. I can take the heat haha
> 
> As always, thanks for reading. I hope you enjoy the chapter even if you don't agree with what happened in it lol. Fluff will eventually come again no worries. I'm eager to see what you all think :)


	21. Blame It On Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Messy emotions. Clarke is all over the place. Lexa and Clarke talk some more. Bellamy stays being a clueless jerk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I knew people weren't going to like last chapter but damn lmao. I've had this chapter written for a few days but I'm honestly not satisfied with it at all. I've tried rewriting it a bunch of times but everything I write seems forced. I'm posting this now but I very well might change the chapter at a later date. Let me know what you all think because I'm just not feeling it.
> 
> Sorry for any mistakes.
> 
> Oh and before y'all say anything. I know Clarke is a bit of a mess right now. That girl is all over the place but it's intentional. She isn't so good with dealing with her own emotions. In this fic, she's sort of emotionally and romantically destructive whether she realizes it or not. I don't think this is an OC trait either. In my opinion, I think Clarke has never coped with her romantic feelings easily. So yeah that's why she's all over the place. 
> 
> Plus now that she realizes she loves Lexa, she's going to try and force herself to forget the past and just get straight to lovin. But that's not good! Not to mention, a recipe for disaster. The girl will figure it out soon enough though. I'm sorry y'all think she's on a 'high horse' but she's been trying to protect her heart. She hasn't been thinking about Lexa's heart and obviously that's selfish but hey maybe that'll change soon?? Who knows.

“Clarke.”

“You knew where Lexa was this whole fucking time?!”

Clarke stalked up to Bellamy, fury evident in her eyes. She only caught onto the last part of the conversation when Bellamy was talking about how he broke both of their trusts, but she heard enough to connect the dots.

“Shit no Clarke I didn’t know where she was I promise.”

“Then what were you two just talking about? You’re hiding something from me. Explain.”

Clarke’s voice is stern and directed mostly at Bellamy. She is hurt that Lexa didn’t trust her with the reason why she left but trusted Bellamy. But she is furious at Bellamy. If this is true and he knew, he should have told her. 

Lexa cuts in because quite frankly she didn’t want to hear anymore bullshit spew out of Bellamy’s mouth.

“Clarke, when I was leaving town I ran into Bellamy. I was bruised and messed up and he refused to let me go until I told him what happened. I only told him to make sure he didn’t go back and tell you he saw me.”

Lexa sees the flash of pain in Clarke’s eyes but nevertheless continues. Lexa is so tired of this conversation. She just wants it to be done with before she pummels Blake to the floor. The older brunette knows what Clarke is going to ask next ‘Why couldn't you tell me? Why couldn’t you trust me?’ so she answers the questions before they’re even answered.

“You couldn’t know why I left because it wasn’t safe. It wasn’t about trust. If you knew, you would have never stopped looking for me. You would have gotten yourself involved in a dangerous game and got yourself killed. I know you Clarke. You’re driven to fix everything but there was nothing you could do. And now that I know you were pregnant too, I stand by my decision even more so. I couldn’t risk putting you in danger. I told Bellamy to protect you when I couldn’t anymore.”

Clarke’s eyes softened considerably. At first, she assumed Bellamy was in communication with Lexa all these years. She felt like she was being played by both of them. She still feels a little betrayed but not by Lexa. Lexa did what she had to. Now she just feels bad for jumping to conclusions _again_. Lexa looks look emotionally drained like she’s about to pass out.

“Oh..I - oh.”

Lexa stoically nods a little and walks upstairs to get her things. Clarke looks flustered and confused so she leaves her to gather her thoughts. She doesn’t want to be here anymore. If that means taking the most expensive cab ride of her life then so be it. She really needs to get out of here.

///

Clarke watches Lexa walk away. She wants to go after her but she doesn’t know what to say. This whole situation is so fucked. She knows that Lexa is slipping into her apathetic stoic facade right now because she can’t take the onslaught of negative emotions. She knows Lexa is shutting down on her but she can’t do anything about it. She’s frozen.

Bellamy is awkwardly standing in the middle of them room, rubbing at his bruised jaw. Clarke directs her attention to him.

“Bellamy what the fuck? You knew?” 

“Yeah I did.”

“Lexa made you promise not to tell me?”

“Yeah she did.”

“What’s with the one word fucking answers?!”

“I don’t know what else to say! I slept you even though I knew she left to protect you, to protect all of us. I knew that leaving was the hardest thing for her to do. I knew she would never stop loving you and you would never stop loving her. I knew all of this and despite all of this knowledge, I still slept with you. I slept with my best friend’s ex. You slept with your ex’s best friend. It’s a shitshow Clarke. I don’t know what else to say. I wanted to tell her as soon as she came back but it wasn’t my place so I avoided her. I didn’t come to Lincoln’s get together last month and I barely talked to her last night because I can’t look her in the eye. It took me a long time to even look you in the eye.”

Clarke plopped down on the couch. This is all so fucked up.

“We both fucked up Bellamy. We never should have slept together.. It’s not just on you, but the difference is that you knew the truth! I thought Lexa abandoned me. You knew though. I could look past the fact that you kept why she left a secret for so long because you were trying to protect us but goddamnit Bellamy! Last year should have never happened. I knew when I eventually told her about what happened between us, she would be upset. But I never imagined this. She must feel so betrayed.”

Bellamy just stared blankly at her, desperately trying to think of something to say..anything.

“Of course you have nothing to say. I don’t want to talk to you Bellamy. I’m so pissed off at this situation. Just please leave me alone. I need to fix things with Lexa and all you’re doing is adding more fuel to the fire.”

Clarke disappointedly shakes her head as Bellamy, shoulders sagging, goes to the backyard to mope to Murphy.

“Guys, I know you’re listening so you might as well come in here.”

Octavia and Raven guilty walk out from the shadows of the hallway.

“O, can I take your car? I need to get out of here.”

“Of course. Here.”

Octavia hands over the keys to the blonde. She loves her brother but right now she’s so damn angry at him. Octavia hasn’t been the biggest advocate for Lexa lately but this is just messed up. She can’t help but feel for the older girl. 

Clarke seems emotionally distraught but Raven realizes she needs a dose of some tough love. If her and Lexa are ever going to have a second chance, Clarke needs to try and let go of the past. She needs to try and see if from Lexa’s side. All Clarke has been saying is ‘me,me,me.’ She needs to really listen to Lexa and actually hear her.

“Clarke you need to go and talk to Lexa. You’re kind of in the wrong here. You came in here demanding answers about things you don’t even know about. I’m not saying that you should apologize for sleeping with Bell but I think you need to ease up a bit on her, yeah? Think about the emotional rollercoaster she’s been on this weekend. Hell, think about how much she’s had to deal with since she’s came back.”

Clarke looks like she’s about to open her mouth but Raven puts her hand up in an effort to silence her.

“ _I_ know you love her and _you_ know you love her, but does she know that? Look I’m not trying to discredit what you’ve been through in her absence but what about her? She lost out on so much and she was alone throughout most of it. You had a huge support system but who did Lexa have? Anya? I know what she does when she’s upset. She shuts down. Can you imagine what she must have done when she had to leave you? God Clarke that girl probably tortured herself over it. She probably convinced herself she didn’t deserve love, platonic or otherwise. I don’t know why she left but from what you’ve told us, it wasn’t her fault. So why are you so mad?”

“Yeah but Clarke said that Lexa waited almost a year to make contact again once she could.” Octavia interjects before Clarke can respond to Raven. Raven rolls her eyes a bit. She understands why Octavia is so protective but this is getting old.

“O, let Clarke speak.” Raven softly but firmly says. She’s not looking for a fight. She’s just trying to get through to Clarke. The blonde can be very stubborn when she wants and right now is no different. 

Clarke stares at the wall as if she’s in deep thought.

“I need to go talk to Lexa.”

The blonde launches herself off the couch, only turning around to send a silent ‘thank you’ with her eyes to Raven.

///

Lexa is hurriedly packing all her belongings into her duffel bag. She’s already called a cab. Everytime she closes her eyes, she pictures it. Bellamy kissing Clarke. Touching her. It makes her sick. She can’t believe she entrusted Bellamy with the love of her life’s life. She can’t believe the man she once thought of as a brother betrayed her so. 

Lexa doesn’t bother to turn around when the door to the bedroom creaks open.

“Lex..”

Clarke. Her Clarke. She doesn’t even know how she feels toward the blonde right now. She loves her so much it hurts. But Clarke had _sex_ with Bellamy. The firefighter realizes she really has no right to be mad at her ex. They weren’t together and Clarke didn’t know the truth. But she’s still hurt. It fucking hurts so much. 

Lexa stays silents as she finishes packing her things. Clarke awkwardly stands in the corner of the room, unsure of what to say or do.

“You’re leaving?”

Lexa mumbles out a quick yes and continues what she’s doing.

“Lex please talk to me. I - I can drive you home. O gave me her keys.”

“That’s not necessary Clarke.”

“How else are you planning on getting home?”

“I already called a cab.”

“A cab?! Lexa, that will cost you an insane amount of money.”

“It’s fine Clarke. I can afford it.”

“Look I’m driving home early anyways. I’m not exactly in the party mood anymore. We are both going the same way.”

Lexa doesn’t say anything, thinking her options. Does she really want to be trapped in the car with Clarke for an hour? It’s not that she doesn’t want to talk this out with Clarke, she does. She’s just not quite sure what she wants to say right now. Clarke continues speaking when she realizes Lexa isn’t going to say anything.

“I know you’re probably mad at me. You don’t even have to talk to me if you don’t want to. We can just listen to the radio.”

“I’m not mad at _you_ Clarke.”

“Oh okay I just..um downstairs you seemed upset.”

“That’s because I _am_ upset. It’s not everyday you find out the love of your life had sex with someone you considered a brother. I am upset Clarke. Just not specifically at you.”

“Lexa..I am so sorry. I was going to tell you everything I swear.”

“You don’t owe me anything Clarke.” Lexa dejectedly mumbles and tries to walk past the blonde but Clarke gently grabs her wrist.

“Hey stop that. Stop diminishing your feelings. I might not owe you an apology for sleeping with Bellamy but I am sorry this has hurt you. I’ve only been focusing on how I feel these past few weeks and it was shitty of me. I’m sorry for that too. Just - just let me give you a ride home please.”

Lexa looks into Clarke’s eyes, searching for sincerity behind her words. When the older brunette is satisfied she nods.

“Okay good. Let me get my things and we can leave. You can come with me if you want.”

Lexa follows Clarke into her room. The bed sheets and blankets are still in disarray from Clarke and Lexa’s late night activities. Clarke’s clothes are still scattered on the floor right where Lexa threw them. The exes try to ignore the tension in the room. 

Just last night they were in that very bed, intimate and bare, exploring each other again for the first time in 7 years. It might have been fast and rough but it was all Clarke and Lexa. It was in Clarke’s loud moans and Lexa’s tiny gasps of pleasure. It was in the way Clarke’s back arched when Lexa hit the blonde’s walls just right. It was in Lexa’s tender caresses and soft words despite the primal nature of their love making. It was in all of this that their bodies found their way to each other again. Last night might have made things entirely too complicated to fathom at the moment given the turn of events today has brought them, but while it was happening, last night was fucking raw and beautiful. It was the most honest of encounters either have experienced and it left both of them vulnerable and exposed in the most sensual and haunting of ways. It’s not something you can just ignore and it’s cause both girls heads to spin.

Clarke clears her throat, successfully lulling them out of their daze.

“Um just give me a minute and we can uh leave.”

Clarke packs up rather quickly. The pair goes downstairs. Everyone in in the backyard except Octavia and Lincoln who are in the kitchen talking in low hushed whispers. Bellamy looks like he wants to come in and apologize again, but Murphy holds him off. Good thing too cause Lexa would no doubt punch him again..maybe even break his pretty little nose. After saying quick goodbyes and apologies to the couple, Clarke and Lexa leave. 

The first half of the car ride is silent. Clarke quietly hums while driving, occasionally throw a nervous glance Lexa's way. The blonde doesn’t know how to start this dreaded conversation. Lexa is leaning against the window with her eyes closed, desperately trying to drown out the images of Bellamy and Clarke together. It’s no use though. The thought keeps festering in her mind. Her whole body is stiff and she’s gripping onto the armrests so tight that her knuckles are ghost white. Clarke notices Lexa’s tense posture immediately.

“Lex you okay?”

Lexa snorts a little and looks at Clarke incredulously, her eyes screaming “really?”

“Sorry dumb question.” Clarke mumbles and looks back at the road.

“No it wasn’t a dumb question. I’m sorry I’m just in my own head.”

“You don’t have to apologize Lexa.”

“So you’re not pissed about me telling Bellamy the truth all those years ago?” Lexa is genuinely curious. She knows Clarke shouldn’t be mad but the way the blonde reacted before she might think Lexa was lying by omission. 

“Honestly? At first I was a little upset. When I overheard you and Bellamy, I only heard a portion of the conversation so it sounded like you were in contact with Bellamy this whole time. Apparently that’s not the case though.”

Lexa understandably nods and urges the girl to continue. She wants to see where Clarke’s headspace is at right now.

“Lexa you were put in an impossible situation all those years ago. I’m starting to see that. Raven was right. I’ve been pretty obtuse about this whole situation. I just - I don’t know how to deal with my emotions that well. I know how to take care of everyone else but when it comes to you know us..I think I’m stuck on stupid or something.”

Lexa chuckles a little but still doesn’t say anything, forcing Clarke to rant onwards.

“Basically I think I’ve been going about this all wrong. And I’m sorry about that. I really am. And I’m sorry for sleeping with Bellamy.”

Clarke takes a chance and looks over at Lexa, who now looks tense as ever. The small reserved smile wiped clean from her face.

“Clarke you don’t have to -”

“No I am sorry for sleeping with him. I regretted immediately. I know the whole ‘we were drunk’ thing is a copout. I don’t know Bellamy’s reasons behind it but I know myself. I guess I just wanted to lose control. I’m always bottling stuff in until it explodes. Sometimes I just want to let loose and he was there.”

“You know I’m not angry at you for sleeping with him right? Am I upset? Hell yes. But not at you. I’m furious at Bellamy sure but I can never find it in me to be angry at you. You’re my weakness Clarke. I know you’ve been with other people, so have I. It’s been 7 years. I just hate that Bellamy was one of them. He was suppose to protect you. He was suppose to be my brother. He really betrayed me and I don’t know if I can see past it. The fact that I can’t stop picturing it isn’t helping either.”

Clarke doesn’t love hearing that Lexa has been with other people. Obviously she realizes her ex has slept with others but it wasn’t something she loved hearing about, even in the most brief of sentiments. The blonde can only imagine how Lexa feels knowing Bellamy slept with Clarke. Her blood must have been boiling when she found out.

“This whole situation is fucked isn’t it?”

Clarke’s question is more of a rhetorical question but Lexa nevertheless grimly responds.

“Maybe it is.”

Clarke swallows the lump in her throat. 

“Do you think too much has happened between us for this to work?”

“I don’t know but I want to try. Despite everything Clarke, I’ll always love you. I know you’re not sure if you feel the same but -”

“I do.” Clarke whispers.

Lexa’s heart is pounding out of her chest.

“You do what?” Lexa dares to ask back. 

“I do feel the same. I love you too.”

Clarke turns into a woodsy deserted area off the back road and parks her car. This isn’t something to talk about while driving. Lexa is stunned into silence.

“I love you Lex. I - I meant what I said about not being sure what I felt for you but being close to you again..it made me realize that although I might have suppressed my love for you for a long time, I never stopped loving you. I still want to take things slow. I’m still working on trusting you again. I know this past weekend has made things thirty times more complicated if not more than that, but I still want to try. I mean we should probably avoid having sex again..at least for now. Just start off slow. Maybe go for dinner sometime next week?”

Lexa’s heart is happy but her mind is a mess. She loves Clarke. This is all she’s wanted to hear from the blonde’s mouth since the start. But now everything feels tainted and she knows that’s not how they should start this - whatever _this_ is. Lexa grabs Clarke’s hand and kisses her palm.

“You know I love you and you know I want to be with you more than anything..but - but I think I need a breather. I think we need some time before we jump into this. I can’t stop picturing you and Bell. Everything feels rushed and forced. I want this to feel good when we finally find our way to each other. I want to only focus on you. I don’t want to have anything else in the back of my head ruining it.”

Those words were probably the hardest thing for Lexa ever to say, but it’s the truth. Clarke has been inconsistent with her emotions and actions. It’s almost like she’s trying to force herself to give Lexa a second chance when she’s not ready.

“That’s fair. I’m sorry.”

Clarke nods and sadly smiles. The blonde turns her head and wipes away a stray tear.

“Clarke come here.”

Clarke unbuckles her seatbelt and scoots closer to Lexa, their foreheads pressing together. 

“I love you so fucking much it hurts. There wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t wake up thinking about your smile and go to bed dreaming about your eyes. You are the one for me Clarke Griffin. I left you but if I stayed, your life would have been in danger. I couldn’t take that chance. I don’t regret leaving, but I do regret waiting so long to contact you. I’ve made some mistakes but I’m trying my best here and I know you are too. You don’t know how hard this is for me...saying no to you. You’re telling me you’re not confused but I think you are. You say you want to take things slow. Then we sleep together. Then you say you want to take things slow again. I love you but this back and forth is killing me. I love you so much that I would take any crumb you would give to me, but it would be disrespectful to both of us and our relationship if we continue this way. I just really need you to be sure next time we try this out. I want us to be together but right now doesn’t feel right. It feels wrong.”

Clarke nods against Lexa’s forehead.

“I’m a mess aren’t I?” Clarke laughs through the tears.

“Absolutely not. You’re thinking too much. Let yourself just feel Clarke. You’ll figure it out and when you do, I’ll be here.”

“How can you be so amazing?”

“I’m really not.”

“Yes you are. I have the emotional capacity of a child and you’re over here being mature and empathetic. How are you being so understanding and loving after you just found out about Bellamy? I don’t -”

“Please let’s stop talking about Bellamy. I never want to talk about him again.”

“Okay I’m sorry.”

“And stop saying sorry Clarke. You really don’t owe me an apology.”

“Okay I’m sorry.”

“Clarke!”

“Shit sorry.”

“Ok now you’re doing it on purpose.”

Lexa laughs a little and playfully shoves Clarke away. Clarke softly smiles and starts the car up. The pair rides in silence for most of the ride. Clarke drops Lexa off at her place. Before Lexa gets out of the car, Clarke gently grabs her wrist to stop her. The firefighter shoots her a curious glance.

“We are gonna figure this out right?”

“Yeah one day we will.” Lexa throws her a gentle smile before leaving Clarke to her own thoughts. _One day_. Only time will tell if that day will ever come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might not have the time to respond the all the comments but I read every single one of them and appreciate all of you voicing your opinion! :) With that in mind, I am sorry some of you don’t like the direction the fic is going in regards to Bellamy.
> 
> Bellamy has been heavily featured in like two chapters so far out of 20 and counting. Right now, sure he’s essential to the plot. But not for long. I really wouldn’t call him a major character even if it might seem like he is now. Oh and for what it's worth, Lexa is d-o-n-e with him for now.
> 
> So sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. It has to get worse before it gets better peeps (and for the record, some Clexa fluff + lil Alex is deff on the horizon. Last few chapters have been heavy on angst and these girls deserve some much needed fluff).
> 
> I love this fic so I hope I get over this writer's block I've been feeling the past few days soon. Anywho as always, thank you for your comments and kudos! :) Love you all.


	22. Always Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Firefighter Lexa comes out to play. Alex and Clarke visit their favorite green eyed firefighter. No angst for once yay!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mistakes. This chapter is a little shorter than usual so that I'm sorry. 
> 
> I know it's been a while since I posted. Between my laptop breaking, some drama, and writer's block, it took awhile to finally get this chapter out. Hopefully, my updates will be back to a few times a week again but no promises. Anyways, I hope you enjoy!!

Lexa wakes up the next morning with a heavy heart. She couldn’t fall asleep the night before, tossing and turning. She is still so mad at Bellamy. The firefighter launches herself out of bed and goes for a jog. The crisp air hits her skin like knives as she pushes herself to her physical limit. Her lungs are aching by the end of her hours long run but at least her mind is distracted for the moment. At least she’s no longer fixated on her ex best friend and ex. 

Lexa chugs a water bottle and takes a long shower. She gets dressed and drives to the station for her three day shift, her overnight bag in tow. Lexa hopes Luna isn’t working today because she just doesn’t have it in her today to deal with the girl. Luckily, Luna seems to have just gotten off a shift and is leaving. Lexa shamelessly hides behind one of the trucks as the curly haired sweaty girl. The younger Woods knows she has to tell it to Lexa straight one of these days. She’s not interested. But every time Lexa tries, Luna ignores her and changes the subject. 

“Yo Woods! What are ya doing crouching behind Truck 19? Come on, Nyko is making some pasta upstairs.” Quint calls out.

Lexa’s cheeks redden for being caught hiding from one of her coworkers. She just can’t catch a break can she? Lexa walks upstairs and throws her bag on one of the beds. Nyko, Quint, Jackson, Gina, and presumably a new transfer are on shift today it seems. Lexa walks into the kitchen and a chorus of hellos are thrown her way.

“Hey guys. What are we talking about?”

“We’re just showing the newbie here the ropes.” Jackson says. 

Lexa turns her attention to the girl and smiles. The girl is undoubtedly very pretty.

“Hey I’m Lexa.” Lexa holds out her hand. The girl shyly takes it and smiles.

“Hi I’m Becca.” The dark haired girl smiles back before quickly averting her eyes from Lexa’s.

“So Lexa, we were just telling Becca the rundown of everyone here.”

Lexa grabs an apple from the bowl on the table and sits down next to Jackson. This is what Lexa needs. She needs to be around people who don’t know about her past. People who just want to joke around and have some fun in between fighting fires. These people are a much welcomed distraction.

“Ooo okay I’m listening. Who have you gotten through so far?” Lexa smiles and bites into her apple.

“Well Nyko here is like the protective papa bear of the group. Quint is like the horny highschool boy who always catcalled you in the halls... an asshole but his bark is worse than his bite.” 

“Hey! I’m right here man.” Quint mocks offense. 

“You know it’s true Quint.” Nyko turns from his pasta sauce to throw in his two cents.

Quint nods at Jackson to continue.

“And Gina’s like the girl next door..super sweet and kind.” Gina blushes at the comment and Lexa smirks. Jackson and Gina really think that they’re relationship is a secret. Pfft please. Lexa remembers the last time they all went drinking when Gina and Jackson both went into the bathroom and left the bathroom at the same time, in various disheveled states. 

“And Lexa...well she’s the commander of the group. She’s the one you want in charge. A natural born leader.”

“Aw why Mr. Jackson sir you’re making me blush.” Lexa speaks in a southern drawl.

Jackson laughs and continues his praise of the group for a bit before Nyko finishes the pasta and serves the squad lunch. An hour later, a the bells go off in the station and everyone scurries off to get dressed quickly and efficiently.

The fire turns out to be in a two story home. Nyko, Quint, and Lexa go in and rescue a 80 year old grandma and her two young grandkids, the only people who were in the house at the time of the fire. One of the grandkids thought that it was a good idea to make s'mores while their grandma was taking a nap. When one of the smores went on fire, they got nervous and threw it in the trash. 

Lexa carries out the 4 year old little girl year while Quint helps the grandma and Nyko carries out the 7 year old little boy. The girl is crying into Lexa’s shoulder. God this little girl reminds her so much of Alex. She has green eyes and brown hair. She wonders what Alex was like as a toddler.

“I wan my nana!” The little girl cries. 

“It’s okay sweetie. You’re okay.” Lexa takes off her mask once they’re outside. 

She brings the little girl to the ambulance so she can be checked out. Her ankle looks like it might be sprained and she has a nasty cut on her arm. Lexa gently places her on the gurney and tries to put some space between them but the girl wraps her chubby little arms around Lexa’s neck, refusing to let go.

“Pwease noooooo no no.” The girl sniffles a bit before she continues. “Don’t leave me miss.” The little girl’s bottom lip trembles and more tears threaten to spill from the girl’s eyes. Alex held back her tears just like that at the amusement park. Lexa nods and smiles. She isn’t going to leave this crying girl. Besides, the other firefighters has gotten the fire under control as it’s almost completely out. 

“I won’t leave you. I promise. What’s your name sweetie?”

“Martha.” The girl say low, now hiccuping from the excessive crying.

“Okay Martha. I’m Lexa. This nice lady is just going to check you out okay?” 

The girl’s eyes grow wide and she holds onto Lexa tighter.

“You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay.” Lexa hugs her a kisses her forehead as the paramedic checks her her ankle and arm and gives the girl an oxygen mask.

The fire is out soon enough and her coworkers are packing up and ready to leave. Nyko calls out to her.

“Lexa let’s go.”

Martha has just fallen asleep in her arms so Lexa passes her onto the paramedic and tells her to take good of the girl. Lexa kisses her forehead and gives her over to the other woman. She gets in the truck and the firefighters go back to the station to await the next crisis.

///

Later in the night, after three more intense fires, Lexa lays on the couch in the fire station’s lounge room. She's achey and sore from the sheer physical intensity of today. That little girl, Martha, reminded her so much of her own little girl. It's crazy how much she misses Alex. It's only been a few days without her and she feels so lost without her. She doesn't know how she survived before she met her little girl. 

Lexa glances at her watch. It's only 9pm. It's not too late to call Clarke. Lexa takes out her phone and hovers over the call button. She hasn't talked to the blonde since yesterday after the whole weekend fiasco. Swallowing her worry, Lexa dials for Clarke and nervously waits to hear the ever so sexy raspy voice of her ex on the other side of the line. After three rings, Clarke picks up.

“Hey Lexa. Is everything okay?”

Clarke sounds like a mix between hesitant and worried. The blonde isn't sure what the status of their relationship is. Everything is so tricky now. Who are they to each other? 

“Hi Clarke. Everything is fine. It was just one of those days at work.”

“Oh Lex I'm sorry. Did you lose someone?”

“No no nothing like that. I actually saved this little girl. She reminded me so much of Alex. And I really miss her Clarke. I know I saw her a few days ago but I constantly miss her. I'm constantly worrying and wondering what she's doing.” Lexa breathlessly responds.

“Welcome to being a mom. Those feelings are never going to go away.” Clarke chuckles because she knows exactly how she feels. Clarke empathizes with Lexa because she knows the firefighter is new to all this. Clarke stills remembers when she was a new mom. Honestly, she feels like she still is new to this game called parenting sometimes. “Do you want to see her tomorrow? I don't have work. We can go to the zoo or something if you wanted to.” Clarke’s voice sounds hesitant. She's not sure where she stands with Lexa. she doesn't want to push the girl but she figures inviting her out with their daughter is platonic enough.

“I can't. I really wish I could you have no idea but I have work.”

“Oh okay no problem. Another time then.”

“Well actually um maybe you and Alex could come stop by the station?” Lexa suggests. She would love for Alex to see her life and see where she works. “Alex can go on the trucks, maybe even slide down the pole. It could be fun. No pressure though if you don't want to come.”

“Of course I want to see where you work Lex. Here let me put Alex on the phone and you can ask her yourself. She misses you too.” 

Lexa’s heart flutters rapidly. Her daughter actually misses her. The firefighter feels like she’s no longer an outsider looking in on her ‘should be’ family. Maybe she’s finally becoming a part of the family. Lexa can hear Clarke call out for Alex to come get the phone and then some shuffling on the other end of the line.

“Hi Mommy!” Alex squeals, causing Lexa’s smile to multiply tenfold.

“Hey there peanut. I miss you a lot.”

“I misses you too. When am I gonna see you again?”

“Well that’s actually what I want to talk to you about. How would you like to come visit me at the fire station with your mama tomorrow?”

“Really?! Can I go on a real truck too?!!” Alex jumps up and down, showing off her bright smile.

“You sure can sweetie.”

“Mama can we?” Alex whispers into the phone, obviously talking to Clarke. When Alex presumably gets the ok, she screams out in joy and talks back into the phone. “Mama said we can!! I haves to go pick out my outfit. I’ll see you tomorrow Mommy. I wove [love] you!”

Lexa gasps out and covers her mouth. Her eyes are teary.

“I love you too Alex. So much.”

Alex gives the phone back to Clarke and skips out, not realizing the effect those last three words had on Lexa. 

“Hey Lex… so does tomorrow around noon work for you?”  
“Y-yeah that’s fine.” Lexa is sniffling into the phone.

“Are you okay?”

“She said ‘I love you’ to me Clarke. She loves me. Our daughter loves me.” Lexa says in awe. A seemingly insignificant moment, Lexa is sitting on a raggedy old couch in the middle of her fire station’s rec room. There should be nothing memorable about right now and yet this is one of the best moments in all of her life. To hear those words from her daughter’s mouth melts her heart. Besides Clarke, her daughter is the best thing to ever happen in her life. She can’t believe she’s so lucky.

“Oh Lexa.” Clarke says smiling. She knows how important this is to Lexa and to Alex. She realizes how hard she has been on Lexa. All Lexa has been doing is trying to protect her and protect their baby girl. Lexa deserves their daughter’s love and adoration as well as so much more. Clarke decides she’s making it her mission to show Lexa just that.

“I’m sorry I just..she said ‘I love you.’ I’m sure she didn’t even realize she said it either. But she’s accepting me as her mom. It’s just so surreal. A few months ago I was alone. I only had Anya. And now I have a beautiful daughter and I have...uh..” Lexa stops herself of saying ‘And I have you Clarke.’ She’s not sure where her and the blonde stand. “I’m just so happy to be back.”

“I’m happy you’re back to Lexa. You’ll always have us. I hope you know that.” 

“Thanks Clarke I do.” The silence between them is heavy and laced with intense undertones. 

“Listen I have to get Alex ready for bed. I’ll see you tomorrow Lex. Goodnight.”

“Reshop Clarke.”

Both girls hang up the phone with their hearts beating fast and their palms sweaty. God they’re so in love it hurts.

///

Lexa is pacing around the station, making sure everyone is on their best behavior. This is very important to Lexa because this is the first taste that Clarke and Alex will get of her life outside of them. Lexa is finally showing Clarke and Alex a very important part of her life. It’s the first step in the right direction.

“Listen up. As you all know, my daughter is coming to visit the station today. So if you guys could avoid talking about your latest lays and anything else inappropriate for a 6 year old’s years, I would greatly appreciate it.”

“You got it Commander” The squad echos out. Quint is in the corner grumbling about how everything he says is explicit so he might as well just keep his mouth shut for the entire duration Alex is here.

Lexa gets a text from Clarke saying they are outside. Lexa straightens her outfit out.

“Is there anything in my teeth?”

“Yes.” Quint lies. Lexa runs to the mirror frantically to check. There’s nothing there though. Quint is laughing off his ass and Lexa flips him the bird before running downstairs.  
“Clarke hi.”

“Hey Le-”

“Mommy!” Clarke is cut off by their excited daughter who runs up and hugs Lexa’s leg.

“Hey sweetie. Are you excited?”

Alex furiously nods her head and grabs a hold of Lexa’s hand, tugging the firefighter deeper in the station. Alex is a natural born leader just like her parents. She has no idea where she’s going right now but she’s still leading the three of them. Clarke and Lexa laugh as Alex’s eyes widen. Three pristine rather large fire trucks are right in front of her.

“Woooooooow.” Alex mumbles out in awe.

“You want to go on one?”

“Yes!! Mama can you come too?” Alex smiles at Clarke and holds her other hand out for her. Alex has her own little plans to get her mommy and mama together like Jasper’s daddies.

“Of course baby.”

Lexa grabs one of the child sized plastic firefighter hats that the squad keeps for when they visit schools and gives it to Alex to keep. Alex jumps up and down and puts it on as they board the truck. Lexa gets in first and Clarke hands off their little girl to her. After a good 20 minutes on the truck playing firefighter and asking Lexa a million questions, Alex wants to explore the station more.

Lexa leads them upstairs to the little lounge where her coworkers are. A chorus of hellos and introductions are thrown at Clarke and little Alex. Alex, being uncharacteristically shy, hides behind her mama’s legs. These firefighters are large and very intimidating to a 6 year old.

“Mommy?” Alex whispers while tugging on her mommy’s shirt.

Lexa looks over to Clarke and smiles before she bends down to talk to their little girl who’s currently hiding behind the blonde. Lexa remembers Clarke told her once that Alex gets nervous sometimes when meeting big groups at once.

“Can I have some juice?” Alex mumbles nervously.

Lexa lightly laughs. “Of course you can. Come with me?” Lexa puts her hand out and waits for Alex to hesitantly grab it. Lexa weaves them in between all the firefighters who are crowding Clarke asking a thousand questions about what Lexa was like as a teenager.

Once they’re in the kitchen and away from the crowds, Lexa picks up their daughter and places her on the counter.

“Now don’t fall off the counter. Your Mama would kill me.” Lexa jokes as she opens the fridge. Alex giggles. Her mommy is so funny. Her mama would never kill her. Her mama smiles so much around her mommy. Operation get her mommies together a go.

“Mama wouldn’t kills you. She woves you.” Alex nonchalantly says as Lexa rummages through the fridge for some juice. Lexa freezes at Alex’s words. Did Alex just say that Clarke loves her? No way. I mean Clarke confessed her feelings for her the other day but Lexa is positive she would not have told Alex of that development.

“Why do you say that princess?” Lexa softly asks her as she pours some apple juice in a plastic cup.

“I had to pee after bedtime and I heard mama talking to Auntie Waven [Raven] last nights. She said she woves you. Does that mean you wove my mama too?” Alex curiously asks before she sips her apple juice.

Lexa looks like a bug with how wide her eyes are widening right now. She’s frozen. What the fuck does she say? She refuses to put Alex’s hopes up. Lexa closes her eyes and takes in a deep breath before talking.

“I do love your Mama. And she loves me too. But there are different kinds of love. And just because we love each other doesn’t mean we are going to be like Jasper’s daddies. All that matters, my little princess, is that together we made you. And I love you more than anything in this world. Okay?” Lexa asks unsurely. She’s not sure if Clarke is gonna be pissed with her explanation but she was put on the spot. Hopefully, Alex understands.

Alex frowns for a bit before she smiles wide. “I gets it. I wove you too mommy.” Alex puts her now empty cup down and tightly hugs her mommy. She kisses Lexa on the cheek before the mother and daughter make their way to Clarke and the other firefighters again. 

Lexa sees Alex tense up once she sees Nyko. Nyko looks tough. He has a long beard and several tattoos, some even on the face. To outsiders, Nyko must look intimidating. Really though, Nyko is a big ole’ teddy bear. Lexa bends down and whispers something reassuring in Alex’s ear. Alex giggles and instantly warms up to the firefighters. 

Clarke smiles at her daughter and the love of her life giggling together. How could she have been so blind? Hopefully, her and Lexa can build up to the same level of trust and love they once shared. It might take time. But Clarke is willing to wait forever just as Lexa once said to her.

“So Clarke was telling us about how crazy you were as a teenager.” Quint calls out.

Lexa looks over to Clarke who puts her hands up in mock surrender. “He’s lying. I swear I didn’t say a thing. Your secrets are safe with me Commander.” Clarke laughs and Lexa swears it’s her favorite sound beside their baby girl’s adorable little giggles.

“I believe you. Besides if anyone was crazy it was you Clarke.” Lexa teases. Clarke was pretty calm until you got tequila in her system. Lexa still has some very _very_ fond memories of tequila Clarke.

“I wasn’t that bad Lex.” Clarke smirks, playfully challenging Lexa to say more.

“Oh yeah? Let me pop open a bottle of tequila right now and let’s see what happens.”

Clarke knows exactly what Lexa is referring to and her face grows flush. Even one sip of tequila and Clarke would become so fucking sexually frustrated. She was always pulling Lexa into bathrooms and empty bedrooms (only ones with locks though..especially after one awkward incident where Reyes walked in on Clarke riding Lexa’s face).

“Maybe another night when our 6 year old isn’t around.” Clarke flirts and it’s Lexa’s turn for her cheeks to grow red from the insinuation. 

Lexa’s coworkers are smirking at Clarke and Lexa knowingly. These two girls are clearly in love and the sexual tension is off the charts (even after last weekend...but Clarke and Lexa always have been insatiable when it came to wanting each other).

“Mommy what’s tequiwa?” Alex asks and all the adults laugh.

“It’s an adult drink baby.” Clarke says as she sends a playful glare to Lexa.

“But I wanna try it!” Alex whines. 

“Well you’re just going to have to wait 15 years.” Lexa says as she picks up their pouting daughter and blows a raspberry on the little girl’s cheek.

“Mommy! Stoppit! You’re slobbering on me mommy!” Alex giggles and squirms in her mommy’s arms as Lexa tickles her and kisses her face.

Clarke never thought she could fall harder for the brown hair green eyed firefighter but everyday Lexa is proving her wrong. 

Nyko finishes baking some chicken parmesan and invites Clarke and Lexa to eat lunch with them. The pair sits down. Clarke cuts Alex’s chicken into small bites. The little girl still manages to get sauce all over her face though. Lexa softly laughs as she wipes the sauce off of her face.

After lunch, Alex is wiped out and in need of a nap. She usually isn’t one for naps but the excitement of the day sure has worn her out. The dark haired little girl is fast asleep in her mama’s arms as Lexa walks her two favorite girls in the world out.

“Thanks for inviting us Lex. It was a lot of fun.” Clarke smiles as she looks into Lexa’s green enchanting eyes. Alex is mumbling sleepily in her ear as she drools on Clarke’s shirt.

“Yeah it was! I’m really glad you two could come.”

“Me too. You know I’m not going to lie I was a little jealous today.” 

Lexa looks at Clarke with confusion evident in her features. Luna wasn’t here so Clarke couldn’t have been jealous of her. And Becca is engaged and sporting a huge diamond rock on her hand. Clarke can see her confusion and gently laughs as she sways with their asleep daughter in her arms.

“Not in the way you’re thinking. I see you talking and laughing with your friends. You just seem so happy and at ease. I can’t help but think that I’ve been too hard on you. I just - I miss seeing you happy. Selfishly so, I hope I’ll be able to see more of your smile. You always manage to light up a room when you smile.”

Lexa softly smiles as her heart beats rapidly at an unsteady rhythm.

“I’m always happy when I’m around you and Alex.” Lexa confidently says as she pushes Alex’s hair from her face and places a quick kiss to her check.

“I’ll see you guys soon?” Lexa asks and Clarke’s eyes light up whenever she remembers something.

“Oh yeah! I almost forgot. I wanted to ask you if you could watch her this Saturday. I don’t usually have weekend shifts at the hospital but I’m covering for another nurse.”

Lexa’s brows furrow in confusion before she schools her features. She’s Alex mom of course she can watch her. She’s ecstatic that Clarke is starting to trust her more. This is the second step in the right direction.

“Yes! I mean yeah I can totally watch her. I’ll take her too the zoo or something.” Lexa excitedly says as she starts planning the day in her head.

“She would love that. She loves the zoo, especially the pony rides. So I’ll drop her off at your house around 8 am and pick her up around 8:30 pm. If that’s too long though, Raven can pick her up earlier.”

“No no if anything that’s not long enough. I love spending with my little princess.” Lexa steps closer to Clarke and Alex and gently caresses her daughter’s cheek.

Lexa didn’t mean to invade Clarke’s personal space but she just wanted to touch her little girl one more time before she goes. Lexa stares into Clarke’s eyes, willing herself not to look down at her lips. She knows this can’t happen. They need to take it slow. Clarke is building up her trust in Lexa again and Lexa needs to move past her anger about Bellamy. It’s not the right time but neither girls have ever been able to say no to the other. Luckily though, the fire sirens ring before the two girls can make another mistake.

“Oh shit..I gotta go. I’ll see you two soon!” Lexa is jolted out of her Clarke haze and starts to jog back in the station.

“Okay. Be careful Lex!” Clarke screams out, effectively waking their daughter up who grumbles a bit before falling back asleep in her mama’s arms.

For the rest of the day, Clarke can’t seem to shake the color green and Lexa can’t stop seeing blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have the next four chapters planned out so I think the writing process will be a little easier now so yay.
> 
> Anyways thank you for all those wonderful comments and kudos. I really appreciate them :)


	23. My Love Will Not Let You Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Alex's afternoon together!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mistakes. I just finished writing this and it's 3am so I'm just going to post it as is. Hopefully, there aren't too many mistakes. Enjoy!

The rest of the week goes by agonizingly slow for Lexa. All she could think about is her Saturday with Alex. She even took on an extra shift at the station to keep herself busy. Sitting at home, thinking about Alex and Clarke constantly, is not healthy.

Saturday comes and Lexa is freshly showered and dressed after a 5 a.m. run, impatiently waiting for Clarke to drop off their baby girl. Lexa is sitting on the couch with her leg nervously bobbing up and down when she hears a faint knock on her door. Lexa opens up the door embarrassingly quick and sees Clarke holding a smiling Alex.

“Hi Mommy! I knocked on the doowr [door] all by myself!” Alex waves at her mommy from Clarke’s arms.

“Wow I’m impressed princess. Are you excited for today?” Lexa smiles as she opens up her door wide so that her mini me and ex could come in.

“Yeah! Mama said I get to spend the whole day withs justs yous.”

“You sure do. I was thinking maybe we can go to the zoo?”

Alex freezes in her exploration of her mommy’s house and turns around.

“THE ZOO?!” Alex smiles and gasps as she cutely covers her mouth. Lexa bursts out laughing at her daughter’s excitement and looks over at Clarke who has a knowing smile. Alex always freaks out when she gets to go to the zoo. It is hands down one of her favorite places besides the soccer field.

“Mama! Mommy is taking me to the zoo!!”

“I know baby I heard.” Clarke smiles at their adorable little daughter.

“Jasper saids that there’s a new zebwa [zebra] exa-eggsa..” Alex pauses and frowns, frustrated she forgot the big word. She looks over to Clarke. “Mama, how do say that word again?”

“Exhibit.” Clarke gently says.

“Yeah! Jasper saids there’s a new zebwa _exhibit_ at the zoo. Can we go to that?!”

Lexa softly laughs, her emerald green eyes beaming at Alex. She’s just too cute for words. “Of course we can peanut.”

“Baby how about you go and watch some TV? I have to talk to your mommy” Clarke bends down and hugs her daughter. Alex kisses her cheek and runs off the the TV in the living room.

“So I’ll come pick her up around 8:30. She usually eats lunch at 12:30 and dinner around 5:30. She’ll try to trick you into buying her the big bags of candy at the zoo souvenir shop but don’t let her convince you. She will get sick from all the candy and stay up all night on a sugar high.”

Lexa carefully takes a mental note of all the things Clarke has said. Clarke can tell Lexa looks a little overwhelmed so she takes a step closer and reassuringly squeezes her shoulder for support.

“Don’t worry. You two are going to have a fun day together. And if you need me for whatever reason, don’t hesitate to call. I’ve also written down Raven, Octavia, and my mom’s number in case I don’t pick up.” 

Clarke hands her the piece of paper and Lexa stares at it while nodding. All of a sudden Lexa’s palms are sweaty and she’s nervous. What if she messes up? Oh god what if she loses Alex at the zoo?!

“Lex.” Clarke waves her hand in the older brunette’s face.

“Hmm?”

“I can tell you’re freaking out. Just relax. She’s already eaten breakfast but she might want a snack in a few hours. You’re gonna do great.”

Clarke gives Lexa a quick hug that is over much too soon, leaving both girls wishing for more contact. Clarke warmly smiles at her and goes over to Alex to say her ‘goodbyes’ and ‘I love yous.’

Once Clarke leaves, it’s just Lexa and Alex. Lexa makes her way over to the couch and sits next to her daughter. Alex, already invested into her cartoons, looks over and absentmindedly smiles at her mommy. Lexa is awkwardly sitting ever so straight on the couch, watching more of her daughter than the cartoons. This is a very important step for her. She wants to make sure her daughter has fun.

The zoo doesn’t open until 10am so they still have time to just relax. Alex scoots closer to Lexa and hugs her mommy. Alex always hugs her mama when they watch TV. Lexa is startled by the affection but all the more overjoyed. The firefighter opens her arms and Alex snuggles closer into her mommy’s embrace.

“Mommy?”

“Yes princess?”

“I can hear your heart. It’s going fast like ba boom ba boom ba boom ba boom.” Alex mimics the sound of Lexa’s fluttering heart. Lexa is just so happy to have her daughter in her arms, she can’t control the rhythm of her heart. “Are you okay?” Alex worriedly asks her mommy,

“I’m just so excited to be here with you so my heart is going a little faster. I’m okay though I promise.”

Alex accepts this answer and resumes her position lying on Lexa’s chest as Lexa gently strokes her daughter’s brown curly hair. This is perfect. This is everything Lexa has ever wanted. She’s finally home.

///

Three cups of juice and two handfuls of animal crackers later, Lexa and Alex leave the firefighter’s apartment on their quest to go to the zoo. Alex holds her mommy’s hand as they walk to the zoo, which is only a few blocks down. They pass by the park and Alex squeals because they’ve added in a new ‘big girl’ slide. Alex’s lip juts out as she begs her mommy to make a pit stop at the park. Since they have hours and no particular place to be, Lexa agrees and they make their way over to the park.

Alex first runs to the big slide but as soon as she’s about to slide down into Lexa’s waiting arms, she gets scared. The little brunette shakes her head and gets up. Lexa’s brows furrow in confusion as her little girls huffs and puffs as she stomps to an empty bench. Lexa walks over to her and sits down.

“What’s wrong peanut?” Lexa sweetly asks.  
“Nothing. The new slide is silly. Can we just go to the zoo?” Alex’s face is scrunched up and angry but Lexa knows her daughter is just embarrassed because she got scared of the slide. How does Lexa know this? Well I guess you could say a mother always knows. Lexa has been so scared herself. She’s been scared that her so called ‘mother’s intuition’ would never kick in but what she didn’t realize is that it already has..back when they were at the amusement park. Lexa soothed her daughter’s fears then and she will do the same now.

“Sure thing baby. But do you mind if I try out the new slide first?” Lexa cautiously asks, hoping she’s making the right move.

Alex looks up and her curiously but nevertheless nods. Alex waiting at the end of the slide off to the side as Lexa squeezes through the children’s play gym to get to the slide that has proven daunting to her 6 year old. 

Alex is nervous. What if her mommy gets broken on the ‘big girl’ slide? Alex really _really_ wants to go on the ‘big girl’ slide but she’s scared. Her mommy is so cool. Her mommy doesn’t let fear stop her from doing what she wants. She wants to be just like her mommy and her mama too of course.

“Alrighty here I go!” Lexa dramatically yells out to Alex as she slides do the curvy rather large for little kids slide. 

Alex holds her breath as her mommy comes down the slide. Lexa jumps off the slide and smiles at her little girl. Alex’s mouth is open in an ‘o’ form and her eyes are wide. Wow her mommy is so cool! Maybe if her mommy could go on the slide, she can too?

“Woooow.” Alex mumbles and Lexa smiles, pretending not to hear her little girl.

“Okay ready to go to the zoo now?” Lexa innocently asks and Alex shakes her head.

“Mommy can I try to the slide again?”

Lexa’s smile brightens. “Of course I’ll wait right here to catch you.”

“You don’ts have to catches me Mommy. I can do it all by myselfs just like you.”

Alex has a serious face on as she climbs the stairs to the slide. She’s determined to face her fears. She gets to the top of the slide and looks over to see her mommy giving her a thumbs up and smiling at her.

Alex smiles back at her and sits down on the cold metal of the slide. Alex closes her eyes briefly. “Come on you can do it just like mommy!” Alex whispers words of reassurance to herself before pushing herself down the slide. The first part of the slide down is really scary and Alex thinks she has made a mistake but then it’s actually really funny. By the end, she’s smiling and laughing. Alex jumps off and hugs her mommy.

“Looks! Looks what I did!” Alex squeals and jumps up and down. Lexa is so proud her baby girl for facing her fears. She knows it was only a slide but to a 6 year old, a big slide can be a big deal. Lexa just wants Alex to know that she can do whatever she puts her mind to. She’s glad she was able to get through to her today. She feels like a _real_ parent, not just the occasional auntie who stops by with a gift. No. She feels like she really got through to her daughter today. If Alex were to listen to Lexa’s heartbeat right now, she would hear a familiar fast paced ‘ba boom ba boom ba boom.’

Lexa looks at her phone for a second and sees a test from Clarke.

 **From Clarke [12:03 PM] -** Hey Lex. How’s Alex?

 **To Clarke [12:05 PM] -** She’s great. We are at the park.

 **From Clarke [12:03 PM] -** Okay great. Take some pics. I wanna see my two girls :)

Lexa’s heart continues on at a rapid pace after Clarke’s last message. Lexa takes a quick selfie of her and Alex and sends it to Clarke. Alex is giggling in Lexa’s arms as the firefighter kisses her cheek. They’re starting to become a real family right under their own noses.

Lexa and Alex spend two more hours at the park, giggling and running around. Alex goes on the ‘big girl’ slide at least 15 more times and all because of her mommy showing her she can conquer her fears.

///

“Mommy I’m hungry. Can we get cheeseburgers before the zoo?” Alex asks as the walk on the main street of Polis. 

“Sure baby. You wanna go to the diner?”

Alex shakes her head ‘no.’

“No? Huh okay. Do you have a specific place in mind then?”

“Yep!” Alex’s pops her mouth at the sound of the ‘p’ and points across the street to Grounders. “Mama says the only place to gets a good burger from in town is from Grounders.”

Lexa smiles and silently agrees. 

“You know I used to work there when me and your mama were younger.” Lexa offhandedly mentions as they wait for the streetlight to change from green to red. Alex looks up at her in awe. Her mommy just keeps getting cooler and cooler.

“No way!!”

“Yes way.”

“Wow that’s so cool. I really likes their burgers. Mama does too.” Alex keeps cutely babbling about cheeseburgers while they wait to be seated. 

They order two cheeseburgers, one water, and one shirley temple with extra cherries (anything for Lexa’s little princess of course). Alex slurps up half her drink before Lexa laughs and softly tells her to slow down so she doesn’t get a tummyache. Alex tells Lexa about her best friend Jasper and how he tried to kiss her on the cheek last week. Lexa’s face pales considerably and she mumbles something about locking Alex away until she’s thirty. The 6 year old pays no mind to her silly mommy’s mumbling and keeps talking about Jasper, and soccer, her art teacher Ms. Andrews, and her long standing desire to get a puppy. Finally their food comes, and they begin to dig in. Alex has some ketchup on her face and Lexa laughs at how messy of an eater her kid is as she wipes it off her cheeks.

“So I have another questions.”

Lexa smiles and nods for her girl to continue. Clarke has mentioned to Lexa on various occasions that their little girl is very curious and will continually ask many questions throughout each day. Alex is also very observant so she picks up on things a normal 6 year old might not...like how much her mommies love each other.

“Where did you meet my mama?”

“It was her first day of high school. I was a year older than her. We became best friends after that.” Lexa says as she nervously smiles. She hopes Alex doesn’t ask more questions about her and Clarke’s relationship. She has no clue what Clarke wants their daughter to know.

Alex looks deep in thought as she takes another bite out of her burger.

“Mama said you had to leave cause of bad guys. What did they do??”

Shit. The only thing worse than Alex asking about her and Clarke’s relationship was her asking about the ‘bad guys’ that made Lexa leave her. Lexa looks shaken up by the question. She swallows hard before softly smiling and answering. She knew this day will come. The day where Alex asks her why she had to leave her and Clarke all those years ago.

“The bad guys were very mean to me and-” Lexa stops just short of saying ‘my sister.’ She knows that if she mentions Anya, Alex will want to meet her. She’s just not ready for that yet. And neither is Clarke. As much as it pains Lexa’s heart to ignore Anya’s existence, it’s best to just not mention Anya at all to Alex for the time being. “I had to leave to protect you and your mama and everyone else I love like Uncle Lincoln. I’m so sorry for not being here for you Alex. I promise I’ll never leave you again, okay?”

Lexa can feel herself get teary eyed as her daughter looks up at her with a messy ketchup ridden face and big curious emerald green pools.

“I’m glad the bad guys have gones aways so you could come back. I wove you mommy.”

Alex chirpily chomps away at her burger and Lexa releases a watery laugh. Her daughter is resilient and oh so compassionate, just like Clarke. The rest of their conversation is considerably lighter. Alex doesn’t ask anymore heavy questions and the pair goes back to laughing. 

Lexa pays the bill and Alex asks her if they could go to the bathroom before they leave. Lexa walks her to the public girls restroom and waits outside the stall for her. When Alex is watching her hands, a familiar figure walks in. Ontari Sanders. 

Ontari is on her phone, checking emails and not paying attention to the other people in the bathroom. Lexa clenches her jaw and prays that the dark haired woman doesn’t look up and doesn’t recognize her. But of course she does. Ontari glances up from her phone quickly before looking done. She freezes in her spot and looks back at Lexa with recognition evident in her eyes.

“Lexa right?” Ontari says and Alex turns around to see who is talking to her mommy.

“Ontawi!” Alex squeals excitedly and runs up to give Ontari a hug. Lexa just stands there dumbfounded. Ontari and Clarke’s relationship must have been serious if Alex feels so comfortable around the chef. Jealously coils in Lexa’s stomach.

“Oh my god Alex!! You’ve gotten so big.” Ontari bends down in her tight pencil skirt and hugs the little girl. Alex smiles at Ontari and pulls her over to her mommy.

“Mommy this is Ontawi. Ontawi this is my mommy Lexa. I have the same name as her!”

“You do? Wow that’s so cool!” Ontari turns from Alex and looks to Lexa. “It’s nice to see you again Lexa.” Ontari holds out her hand as a white flag. Lexa can tell that Ontari is trying to make up for the other night.

Lexa politely smiles at Ontari. This woman kissed Clarke just a few days ago. Her Clarke! Lexa shakes her head from those thoughts. 

“You as well.” Lexa shakes her hand, showing off her strong handshake in the process. Ontari is not a bad person. She seems like a lovely woman actually. Lexa can see why Clarke was attracted to her. She can see why Alex loves her too. And god does she know why Ontari loves Clarke. I mean Clarke is...well there are no words to describe the blonde. And now she has a chance to be with her. Maybe someday. Lexa hopes that they can get their shit together before it’s too late and another Ontari comes in and swoops Clarke away.

“Alex we gotta go sweetie if we want to make it to the zoo.” Lexa smiles at her daughter whose eyes light up at the mention of the zoo.

“Bye bye Ontawi!” Alex hugs the dark haired woman again and grabs a hold of her mommy’s hand, tugging her out of the bathroom.

“Nice talking to you again.” Lexa calls out as her daughter pulls her out of the bathroom. Lexa realizes something very important. She was jealous of Ontari... but for reasons beside her being Clarke’s past lover. I mean sure Clarke sharing a bed with the woman isn’t a pleasant thought. But she was more so jealous that his woman was in her family’s life when she couldn’t be. She saw parts of Alex’s life that Lexa will never be able to experience. It’s only icing on the jealousy cake that she’s seen Clarke naked. At the end of the day though, Clarke chose Lexa. She chose _her_ not Ontari. She can’t blame Ontari for wanting a second chance with Clarke. She wants the same exact thing. And Lexa will do everything in her power to make sure that this time, her and the love of her life will last.

///

Lexa and Alex finally arrive at the zoo around 1pm. Alex jumps up and down as soon as they enter the park. She grabs a map and points at all the exhibits she wants to see. First up, according to Alex, is the ‘Monkey Mania’. Then the ‘World of Birds.’ Then ‘Jungle Land.’ Followed by ‘African Wildlife.’ And last but certainly not least, the pony rides! 

“Mommy look at the monkeys! They’re so funny.” Alex giggles as she presses her face against the glass and makes funny faces at the monkeys.

“Peanut don’t put your face against the glass. They’re germs.” Lexa says as she grabs a wipe and cleans Alex’s face.

“Mommyyyyyyy” Alex whines as Lexa cleans her cheeks.

“There all done.” Lexa smiles and kisses her forehead before booping Alex’s cute little button nose.

“Mama does the same thing.” Alex adorably grumbles before tugging Lexa along to the ‘World of Birds.’  
Aside from an incident where a bird shit on Lexa’s shoulder, the zoo trip goes off without a hitch. Alex rides the ponies 3 times before wiping herself out. They leave the zoo around 5 pm at closing time and Alex is exhausted. Lexa buys her a cute little horse stuffed animal. Alex snuggles the plush toy the whole walk home as Lexa carries her tired little girl in her arms.

When they get back to Lexa’s, the firefighter cooks fish tacos for dinner. Alex eats them all up and of course ends up with food mushed on her face. Lexa playfully mumbles something about trying to keep all the food in her mouth and not on her face as she wipes Alex’s cheeks. 

Lexa rents the first Shrek movie and cuddles up on the couch with a very tired Alex in her arms. Midway through the movie the 6 year old dozes off, lightly snoring. Lexa stares down at her little mini me with all the love and adoration in the world. Her life has never been more perfect than in this moment. The only thing that would make it better would be if Clarke was beside her. Lexa watches her little girl sleep. She sees the little puffs of breath escape Alex’s mouth as she drools on the arm of Lexa’s sweatshirt. Her daughter is just too damn adorable. Lexa stays like that, admiring her little girl’s beauty for about 20 minutes before she falls asleep herself.

Clarke comes over at 8:30 and eagerly knocks on the door. She called Lexa twice on the way to the firefighter’s apartment but there was no response. Clarke assumes Lexa probably is too busy with Alex jumping off the walls with energy. Alex was so excited this morning to see Lexa and spend the day with her. Clarke didn’t want to be that overbearing mom that texted Lexa a million times to check in and see if Alex was okay. Even when Alex is with Raven or even her mom, Clarke is always calling to check in on her little baby. She’s very protective. But today, when Alex was with Lexa, she felt relaxed. I guess her subconscious just knows that Lexa is her and Alex’s home too.

Clarke knocks on the door a few times but nobody answers. She can hear the muffled sounds of a familiar movie playing inside the apartment and assumes that Lexa can’t hear her over the TV. After a minute or two, the blonde hesitantly lets herself in to her ex’s apartment and finds the cutest sight she’s ever seen. Alex all snuggled up in Lexa’s muscular arms, both mother and daughter fast asleep. Clarke smiles so wide and feels her heart beating out of it’s chest for the older brunette. It takes all of her self restraint not to cuddle up with her two favorite people in the world. The blonde instead settles to take a picture of her two sleeping beauties. Lexa wakes up at the sound of the camera going off and the flash. She groggily opens her eyes up and sees a smirking blonde a few feet away from her.

“So you wake up from a camera going off but not my multiple phone calls and excessive knocks on your front door.” Clarke playfully teases.

“Clarke?” Lexa sleepily mumbles as she rubs her eyes, becoming less and less disoriented from her slumber.

“The one and only.” Clarke’s smile falters a little, realizing that her ex might not be happy she just waltzed into her apartment. “I’m uh sorry for just walking in but you weren’t answering your phone or the door and your door was unlocked so I figured I would let myself in.” Clarke finishes her little spiel to find Lexa smirking at her. Lexa always loved when Clarke got flustered and rambled.

“No no please continue. You know how much I love it when you get all tongue tied.”

“Yeah I think you just love anything involving my tongue.” Clarke said out loud without even thinking. As soon as she said it, both her and Lexa’s cheeks grew beat red.

“That’s uh..that’s actually very true.” Lexa chuckled and shook her head.

After a moment of awkward silence, Clarke spoke up.

“So I take it you tired this little monster out huh?” 

Lexa smiles down at Alex, who is now clutching on her sweatshirt for dear life to make sure Lexa doesn’t leave her. Clarke sits next to them on the couch and gentle caresses the curly locks out of Alex’s scrunched up face.

“More like she tired me out. We went to the park and the for cheeseburgers at Grounders. Then the zoo and I cooked her some fish tacos. By the time I popped in Shrek, she was wiped. It was a really good day though. One of the best days of my life if I’m being honest.” Lexa finally looks and meets Clarke’s gaze. Clarke is looking at her like she used to look at her. Like she was the only person who’s ever seen her and vice versa. Like she’s the only person that have ever mattered to her and will ever matter to her (although that’s not true now since Alex is in the picture). Like she’s everything.

“It sounds like you guys were busy! I’m glad you had a good day with our daughter Lex. You both deserve to know eachother better. Maybe this can become a weekly thing if you’re interested.” 

“Yes!” Lexa whisper screams, conscious not to wake Alex up. Clarke laughs lightly at her ex’s enthusiasm. “Definitely yes. I will never say no to spending more time with Alex. I love her so much Clarke. It’s insane how much I love her.” 

“That’s how I felt when I first held her in my arms. She opened her tiny little eyes and all I saw was green. I felt like she just shot a spear in my chest. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think. All I could feel was love and an overwhelming sensation to protect her. Those feelings have never gone away.”

“I wish I was there.” Lexa sadly smiles.

“You might not have been there Lex, but you are here now. I know you beat yourself up for missing out on so much of Alex’s life, but it’s not your fault. You do get that right?” Clarke softly questions.  
Lexa nods. “I do. I know that. But it’s still tough. It’s hard for me to process that so much has happened since I left. The pain was unbearable at first, knowing that I left you to raise our beautiful daughter alone. But it’s getting better. Each time I look into your eyes or see her wide goofy smile, it gets a little better. You guys make me better.” 

Lexa audibly gulps. She swears Clarke is looking into her soul right now with her cerulean piercing eyes.

“You make me better too Lex. You’re..I’m not sure if I’m allowed to say this given the circumstances but..” Clarke briefly glances at Alex to make sure she’s still asleep. “You are everything to me. And I’m...I’m just so glad you’re here. That you’re real and in front of me.” Clarke gently touches Lexa’s cheek and the firefighter closes her eyes to the touch, savoring her ex lover’s gentle hand tracing her jawline.

Lexa’s eyes flutter open and blue meets green. It’s an intense moment but there is no movement on either sides to kiss or even crave any further physical intimacy because the sheer emotional intensity of this moment is impacting enough. After what feels like hours, Lexa breaks the silence with a dry throat.

“I’m glad I’m here with you too Clarke.” Lexa smiles and Clarke retracts her hand, the moment over. Alex begins to toss and turn in her sleep and soon enough wakes up enough for Lexa to hand her off to Clarke. Clarke carries Alex in her arms and bids Lexa a quick farewell. To outsiders, their goodbye is just a brief parting of ways between ex lovers and present co parents. But to Lexa and Clarke, their eyes convey all the love permeating between one another, waiting to be unleashed yet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah this chapter was fluff on top of fluff on top of fluff. There will be a very small time jump soon (emphasis on the words 'very small'). 
> 
> Anyways, let me know what y'all think! Thanks for all the comments :)))


	24. Wreck of the Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa begins to forgive someone. Clarke discovers heartbreaking news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm finally back! I would like to apologize for the CRAZY LONG wait for the short chapter!!! College has been kicking my ass this semester and I have had no time to get back to my writing. I have literally had no time to myself. I really don't know what when I'll have time to do write the next chapter but I already have it planned out. It's a short chapter but there is some important plot development.
> 
> Trigger Warning: Mentions of health issues.
> 
> Also, I'm sorry if my medical knowledge is lacking or incorrect in any way.

_THREE MONTHS LATER_

The last few months have been kind to the growing Griffin-Woods family. Lexa is now Alex’s soccer coach with Lincoln (Bellamy stepped down as soon as Lexa asked him to). Lexa and Bellamy have only talked twice since then. The first time was at one of Alex’s soccer games where Lexa asked if she could be Alex’s second soccer coach instead of him. It’s important to note that this wasn’t out of malice. Lexa just wanted to be closer to Alex and soccer was the best way to do that. Alex and Lexa have had weekly days alone spending time together and it’s been the best part of Lexa’s days since she was a kid herself. Alex is such a smart little mini me of her, Clarke was right about that. And Clarke. Well Clarke and Lexa’s relationship has been nothing but confusing. Neither know where they stand with the other so they focus on Alex. They see each other when Lexa picks up Alex or when Clarke drops her off. The only time they do spend time together is at Alex related events, but the time they do spend together is everything they could hope for and more. They’re like a little family...if only that family could be real and not fantasy. Alex’s plan to get them together is helping a lot too. She always drags her mommies together (not that either have to really be dragged). Alex will come home from a night at Lexa’s and casually say something to Clarke along the lines of “Mommy said you looked really pretty yesterday.” She would do the same to Lexa too. Both parents would blush profusely and giggle like little schoolgirls. Alex was a little evil mastermind but it certainly was working.

///

Lexa didn’t have work today and Clarke and Alex were at Abby’s for dinner so she was alone. Lexa didn’t like to admit it but on these type of days, she really missed her sister. Her and Anya still haven’t spoke but Nyko gives Lexa consistent updates on her. Lincoln has visited Anya too and has assured Lexa time and time again that Anya is still on the wagon. Her sobriety for the time being is secure. 

Lexa looks around her empty apartment as she slowly chews on the single steak she cooked herself and sighs. Her whole life, Lexa lived with Anya. These last few months of separations between the two sisters was absolutely needed but nonetheless very lonely. Both girls were a little lost without the other. Lexa is still so mad. She never really allowed her anger to swallow her up whole because Anya was her lifeline in the dark times following the flee from Polis all those years ago. She can feel that anger leaving her body with every smile from Clarke and Alex though. Every day she shares with the love of her life and their beautiful daughter is enough for her. She’s still bitter that she’s missed out on so much but she’s also so thankful for the time she has now. There comes a point where you have to live and let go. And sitting alone in her eerily silent apartment is enough to bring Lexa to her feet and drag her towards Nyko’s bar.

///

Anya just started her shift just like she does everyday. She doesn’t have much surprise or anything beside work in her life right now. She just works and works out. The Woods sisters are the same in that respect. When Lexa needs to shut down her emotions, she either spirals out of control with the partying and the women or focuses all her energy on working out and work. Anya is the same way and that’s exactly why she’s focusing on her work. She can’t slip again. No. She needs to show Lexa that she’s alright. She needs to show herself too. So she works. She lives. She survives day in and day out. It’s not a glamorous life. But it’s what she needs right now. Consistency. Order. And that’s exactly what she has had for months until Lexa comes walking through the bar door.

Anya pales considerably when she sees her little sister walk into the bar. They immediately make eye contact and both of their postures straighten. Anya fixes her shirt and ruffles her hair a bit for volume as she nervously stands, waiting for Lexa to approach her. This is it, Anya thinks. Finally, she will talk to her sister again. She’s missed Lexa more than air. Lexa isn’t just her sister. Anya raised Lexa too. Lexa is the most important person in the world to her and keeping away from her these past few months has been harder than she ever anticipated.

“Hi.” Lexa mumbles out as she stares straight into Anya’s wide honey brown eyes. Lexa is trying to act cool and collected but there are two people in this world that can see through her stoic facade. Anya and Clarke. So Anya knows that Lexa is just as nervous as her right now and that thought comforts the older Woods immensely. 

“Hi Lex.” Anya breathes out, relief flooding through her body. Her sister is real and in front of her again. Lexa audibly gulps.

“Can we...maybe talk?” Lexa quietly asks as if Anya would say no. She’s been waiting for this moment. 

“Yes.” Anya says with no hesitation although her voice slightly cracks. “Let me just tell Nyko I’m going on break. We can sit in the booth in the back. I’ll be right there.”

Lexa mutely nods and walks to the designated booth. Her nails nervously click on the table as she awaits Anya. Truthfully, she’s not really sure what she wants to say to Anya but she’s missed her. God, she’s missed her so much. Maybe it’s time they finally try and talk things out.

Anya walks over and takes of her apron before sitting down across from Lexa. She brought over one of Lexa’ favorite beers and a glass of water for herself. Lexa mumbles out a thank you and greedily drinks half the glass. Anya carefully watches her sister. She wants to let Lexa lead where this conversation goes. Lexa puts her glass down and stares at the table. The silence between the two sisters is even more eerie than the silence of Lexa’s apartment. Lexa starts to think she made a mistake coming here and then she looks up and Anya’s hopeful face and realizes it’s time. Lexa keeps talking about her new little family with Clarke and Alex but truthfully, her family will never be complete without Anya. It’s time for the Woods sisters to be a family again.

“I’ve missed you.” Lexa hoarsely says, already getting emotional. Anya barely holds back a choked sob.

“I’ve missed you too Lex.” Anya sadly smiles.

“How..how have you been?” Lexa insecurely asks.

“Good...well not good. But um you know I’m doing alright. I’ve been working a lot. Keeps my mind off other things.” Anya rambles a little and Lexa nods, listening to every word leaving her sister’s mouth.

“That’s good.” Lexa simply says and Anya nods. It’s awkward. The whole conversation is off and unfamiliar to them, but it’s a start. And Lexa is trying really hard, Anya can see that. It’s a start. And all Anya can ask for is a start. A chance.

“How have you been? How’s...um how’s Clarke and your daughter?” Anya carefully says, bracing herself for the backlash that might be thrown her way for bringing up such a sensitive topic. Lexa stiffens noticeably and before relaxing a moment later. 

“Me and Clarke are just focusing on Alex right now.” Lexa firmly states and Anya can tell she’s hit a nerve. Silence envelops their booth again.

“Alex…” Lexa starts up after a few minutes of terribly awkward silence and Anya’s eyes shoot up, trying to meet Lexa’s green pools which are focused off in the distance. 

“Alex is everything, Anya.” Her words are noticeably softer and tinged with love. Anya melts a little for her sister.

“Yeah?” Anya says with a soft smile.

“Yeah. She’s a soccer player just like me. And I coach her team with Lincoln. She never stops asking questions. She’s very curious for her age. And she’s got my eyes. I love her so much. I never thought I would love anyone other than well uh you and Clarke.. But god I do. She’s just everything.” Lexa rambles on about her daughter and the tension at the table eases slightly. Anya’s smile grows wider listening to her baby sister talk about her own baby girl. Lexa’s eyes dance with unparalleled love and affection, an emotion Anya never thought would grace the younger Woods’ eyes again. 

“She sounds perfect Lexa.” Anya lovingly says. Anya is dying to meet her little niece and to explain and apologize to Clarke too but she knows it’s not the time yet. Lexa has just started to open up to her.

“She is. Maybe…” Lexa seems hesitant as she closes her eyes and takes a big swig of her drink. “Maybe you could meet her.”

“I’d love to.” Anya says, a little shocked at the offer.

“Not..not right away. Clarke will need to feel comfortable around you first. Maybe we can do a dinner..me you and Clarke. Talk things out a little more.”

“I..yes. Yes. Of course. Just tell me when and where and I’ll be there.”

Lexa nods and looks down at her phone, her face scrunches up like it does when something unexpected happens.

“I’m sorry I have to go. Clarke needs me.” Lexa says while staring at her phone. She misses the momentary disappointed look on Anya’s face.

“Of course. And Lexa..” Lexa turns around from walking away and the two sisters lock eyes again. “Thank you.”

“What are you thanking me for?”

“For trying. For trying to forgive me. That’s all I can ask for.”

Lexa sadly smiles and nods before walking away, leaving Anya alone once more.

///

Lexa scurries outside and takes a cab over to Clarke’s right away. The blonde’s text was vague but she asked if Lexa could come over right away and that she needed her help. Lexa gets to Clarke less than 10 minutes later and knocks on the door. Clarke opens the door in her scrubs from work. The blonde looks tired and her eyes are red and puffy. Lexa can tell she’s been crying. Concern instantly etches on the firefighter’s face. 

“Thank god you’re here.” Clarke exhales a long breath.

“Is everything alright Clarke? Is Alex okay?” Lexa worriedly asks. Before Clarke moves from the door, wordlessly inviting Lexa in.

“Alex is fine. She’s actually right he-”

“Mommy!” Alex squeals and runs up to her mommy. Her and her mommy have gotten very close these past few months. They are best friends. Alex can tell her mommy anything.

“Hey there peanut.” Lexa scoops Alex in her arms and kisses the top of her head. She’s smiling but still extremely worried. Something with Clarke is very wrong.

“Alex baby, it’s time for bed.” Clarke softly says, her voice croaking. 

“But mommy just got here!!” Alex frowns and crosses her arms in a stance of defiance. Clarke just doesn’t have it in her right now to argue with a six year old. 

“Alex please.” Clarke defeatedly says. Alex is cranky because she’s sleepy and when she’s cranky, she becomes very stubborn. 

“No! I don wannaaaaaa!” Alex whines and clutches on her mommy’s neck.

“How about I read you a bedtime story? Then you go straight to bed, okay?” Lexa tries to be helpful. She loves her daughter and always wants to spend time with her but right now the other love of her life needs her and only her.

“Fine.” Alex huffs out.

“I’ll be right back.” Lexa quietly says to Clarke, looking back at her apologetically.

Clarke nods her head. “I’m going to get changed out of my work clothes then.”

///

Lexa tiptoes out of Alex’s room 20 minutes later. Alex fell fast asleep, cuddled into Lexa and snoring lightly. It was the cutest thing ever and if Clarke didn’t need her right now, Lexa would have stayed there and watched her adorable baby girl for a few more minutes. But Clarke _does_ need her. 

Clarke is sprawled out on the couch, hugging a pillow with a half empty bottle of wine on the coffee table. Lexa is really worried now. She goes over and kneels on the floor near Clarke, pushing the blonde’s hair wet from her tears out of her face.

“Clarke, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”

“It’s..” Clarke hiccups a little. “My mom.”

“Abby? What happened?” Lexa carefully says, a knot already forming in her stomach.

“She has cancer.” Clarke quietly sobs out, pulling Lexa into a bone crushing hug. Her tears collecting on the shoulder of Lexa’s shirt. Lexa lets out a gasp and reciprocates the hug with equal force. The wind is knocked out of Lexa’s lungs. Life never seems to give them a break. 

“Oh my god Clarke. I’m so sorry.” Lexa croaks out, tears of her own forming. Clarke pulls Lexa off the floor and onto the couch with her. The two women embrace like that for awhile, Clarke quietly crying so she doesn’t wake up their daughter. Eventually the tears subside and the only sounds in the house are Clarke’s hiccups.

“Can we lay down?” Clarke moves her face from Lexa’s shoulder and stares into her ex’s green pools with more vulnerability than Lexa ever thinks she has seen before. It breaks her heart.

“Of course. The couch or the bed?” Lexa softly asks, wiping the blonde’s tear stain cheeks.

“The bed. I’m tired. Do you mind staying over tonight? I just don’t want to be alone and Raven is working a night shift. And I need you right now. God I really need you here with me Lexa.” Clarke sobs out, the tears freely flowing again.

“Shh Clarke. I’m here. I’m always here whenever you need me. Come on. Let’s get you to bed.” Lexa gets up from the couch and holds out her hand for Clarke to take. The blonde sniffles a little as Lexa leads her to her own bedroom.

They get to Clarke’s room and the blonde immediately pulls out a pair of joggers and a tank top for Lexa to sleep in. Lexa accepts and strips. Clarke turns a little so Lexa doesn’t see the blush on her face. She gets under the covers of her bed and waits for the brunette. When Lexa gets into the bed, she wordlessly opens her arms and Clarke nuzzles deep into her embrace. It’s like muscle memory. Some things you never forget. And for Lexa and Clarke, their love and affection for one another is never too far away. 

Clarke lets out a bitter laugh and Lexa angles her head to see Clarke’s face.

“It’s just so ironic.” Clarke bitterly says.

“What is?” 

“My mom is one of the best doctors in the country. People from different states, hell different countries come to her to take out their tumours on a daily basis. And now she has the same thing she’s been fighting against her whole life and she didn’t even know. Nobody knew until it was too late.” 

“How far along is it?” Lexa asks, afraid of the answer.

“It’s in her liver, so far nowhere else. Stage 3A. It’s unresectable though. It’s too close to main arteries.” Clarke says in her scientific tone, trying to separate her emotions from the conversation.

“Shit.” Lexa says out of pure frustration. She doesn’t know a lot about science but she does know that unresectable means that they can’t remove the tumors and that’s definitely not god.

“My thoughts exactly.” Clarke releases a watery laugh.

“What are her options?”

“Both her and her doctors agree that the best course of action would be to just completely remove her liver before it spreads.”

“Does that mean...can she survive without a liver?”

“No you need at least a part of your liver.”

“Wait so how can they remove the liver then? Won’t she..” Lexa tapers off, not wanting to say the word ‘die.’

“No. She needs a liver transplant. That’s why I’m going to get tested. But if I’m not a match…God I don’t know. She will need to be put on a transplant list and that might take years. I don’t think she has years Lex. I need to be a match.”

Lexa gulps. Clarke. In surgery. Clarke. Giving up a part of her organ. That’s one of the scariest sentences she’s ever had to process in her life. She doesn’t want to imagine Clarke on an operating table. What about the risks? The complications? What if Clarke…? No. No Lexa can’t go there. People perform these type of surgeries all the time and they’re okay. But still. It’s a major surgery. Lexa understands why she would do it too. Hell, Lexa would do it. However selfishly, she wants her Clarke safe from both emotional and physical harm. Life doesn’t seem to give a damn as to what Lexa wants though.

“Is it dangerous?”

“There are always risks with surgery, even minor ones. But as far as I’m concerned the risks and pain are all worth it if it means my mom can continue living. Lex...I can’t lose another parent. Not like this and not right now.”

Blue stares intensely into green. And Lexa gets it. If she had the chance to save her parents or her brother, she would take it in less than a heartbeat.

“Your mom is a fighter. She will get through this. She will.” Lexa kisses the top of the blonde’s head and whispers sweet assurances to Clarke as she drifts into a deep slumber. Lexa lays awake with Clarke in her arms. She imagined that the next time she had the blonde in her arms asleep, it would be a much different scenario. But alas, life never goes how it’s imagined or planned. Life is messy and tragic and beautiful. But the beauty for Lexa is all because of Clarke and Alex. She needs them and they need her. They are a family and families stick together in times of great trouble. A hurricane is in fact brewing too. And they are in the eye of the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So don't come at me with pitchforks just yet haha. You'll see what happens next soon enough (I hope). I would love to hear your opinions though, negative or positive. 
> 
> There is still A LOT more plot and many many more chapters to come for this story. I have no plans to end this story soon so yay. I hope you enjoyed the chapter.
> 
> Thanks for all your comments and kudos :)


	25. Do I Wanna Know?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find out if Clarke is a match.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super short chapter but I figure I'd throw it out there. Apologies in advance for any mistakes.
> 
>  
> 
> I'm not sure if all my science on organ donation is right but just go with it for the sake of the story lol. Enjoy!

Lexa slowly wakes up to the feeling of a finger gently poking at her cheek. The brunette opens her eyes to see Clarke blonde hair sprawled over her own face and chest, still hugging Lexa for dear life. Lexa shifts her vision slightly and sees her daughter in her pjs poking her face. Alex’s face is all scrunched and confused. Lexa gulps. This isn’t good. Her daughter won’t understand why her parents are sleeping in the same bed. The last thing Lexa wants is for Alex to jump to the wrong conclusion that her mommies are back together.

“Mommy, why are you in Mama’s bed?” Alex innocently asks, genuinely confused. Did her plan work? Are her mommies together like Jasper’s daddies now? Jaspers daddies share one bed too.

“I um.. well I was really tired last night baby and I feel asleep.” Lexa stuttered out. The firefighter carefully scans her daughter’s face as she processes the information.

“So will you sleep in Mama’s bed every night now?” Alex asks while climbing into bed with her mommies and cuddling up to Lexa’s other side.

‘No honey. It was only last night.” Lexa softly says, trying to hide her own sadness that she will not have Clarke in her arms tonight and the night after that and the night after that.  
Alex frowns and her lip trembles a little. She wants her mommies together now! Her plan should be working. 

“Are you okay?” Lexa asks her daughter whose face is etched in a permanent scowl, her eyes hanging low and defeated.

Alex nods slowly staring at her Mama tightly clutching onto her Mommy. She doesn’t understand her mommies. She remembers she came in her for a reason. She had a nightmare, an extra scary one too.

“I hads a nightmares.” Little Alex fearfully whispers, her face nuzzling deeper and deeper in Lexa’s neck.

“Aw peanut it’s okay. How about you sleep here the rest of the night okay?” Lexa sweetly says, gently rubbing Alex’s back to soothe the young scared girl.

“Yes please.” Alex mumbles, already drifting off back to sleep.

Lexa closes her eyes and feels the soft puffs of both her daughter and love’s breaths hitting both sides of her neck. She could not ask for a moment more peaceful. This is all she’s ever wanted, needed. Lexa falls back asleep warm and content to dream of better days for her and her family ahead.

///

The next time Lexa wakes up, Alex and Clarke are still hugging onto her with all her might. Lexa glances at the clock which says 9:30 a.m. The firefighter skillfully detaches Clarke and Alex from herself and stealthily makes her way to the kitchen. Lexa decides she’s going to cook Clarke’s favorite breakfast. She wants to cheer the blonde up in any way she can. Lexa puts on some soft music and gets to work making stuffed french toast with a with a warm boysenberry compote and a side of sizzling turkey bacon.

Lexa lays out all the food and the sweet smell fills the apartment. The firefighter tiptoes back into the bedroom and wakes up Alex first and tells her to go wait in the kitchen for her and her mama. Lexa realizes Clarke may very well be a little hungover or still upset and she wants to wake her up gently. Once Alex is out of the room, Lexa gets back under the covers with Clarke and the blonde immediately shuffles closer to her, pressing her body heat against Lexa. Lexa gulps. She never wants this to end. She takes a moment to cherish the simple feeling of a warm soft asleep Clarke in her arms for a moment more before she slowly coaxes Clarke away.

“Clarke...Klark...wake up.. I made breakfast.” Lexa softly says as she massages the blonde’s scalp. Clarke lets out a hum of content and lifts her head a tad. Her eyes are still closed and she has a frown etched on her face from being woken up. The blonde kisses Lexa’s lips for a second before falling back into Lexa’s arms and into a deep sleep once more.

“Five more minutes.” Clarke huskily murmurs out, her voice still coated in sleep. Lexa gasps at the sensation of Clarke kissing he. Surely, the blonde was asleep but still. The feeling of Clarke’s lips on her again brings her back to high school. Their lips may have sucked and licked each other's bodies at Bellamy’s birthday party but it wasn’t as intimate as this accidental kiss. This was more intimate. It was a simple good morning half asleep peck. It’s these kind of sweet kisses that Lexa yearns for from Clarke. It’s these kinds of kisses she hopes to one day have again. Lexa can spare five more minutes. Just five more minutes of the sleeping beauty that is Clarke Griffin in her arms.  
Ten minutes later, Clarke finally wakes up and the little family of three munches up all of Lexa’s delicious breakfast. Clarke savors each tart taste of the boysenberries. Every little moan of delight from Clarke’s mouth while eating her food has Lexa on the edge of her seat. She tries to ignore those devilish sounds but she just can’t for the life of her. Clarke doesn’t take notice of Lexa’s reddening cheeks and pink tinged ears though as she’s too invested in her food.

“Alex baby, go put your empty plate in the sink and go get dressed.” Clarke instructs and Alex happily obliges. She’s just happy her mommy and mama seem to be getting along really well.

“Okay! Thanks for breakfast mommy.” Alex chirps out before pressing a big wet kiss to her mommy’s cheek and running off to her room.

They ex lovers sit in silence for a few minutes. It’s not awkward, anything but actually. Clarke takes a second helping of the french toast and this time prolongs her moan. Lexa is barely able to choke back a whimper at the sound. Clarke is going to kill her with the sounds she’s making.

“God Lex, you really know how I like it.” Clarke rasps out innocently. Lexa, of course, picks up on the unintentional double meaning behind the words and gulps. Lexa forces a small smile to her face, trying but failing to seem unfazed by Clarke’s sounds and words.

“So how are you feeling today?” Lexa croaks out, desperate to change to course of the conversation. It seems wrong to be getting turned on by Clarke after the emotional bomb that was dropped on them last night. 

Clarke’s face pales a little at the thought of her mother’s sickness. It’s hard enough to cope with that fact that her father isn’t around anymore. She doesn’t know how she’ll survive losing her mom too. It’s just too much.

“It’s a lot better when you’re here.” Clarke insecurely whispers. She doesn’t want to seem weak but right now she needs Lexa.

“Then I’m here.” Lexa reaches over the table and interlocks her fingers with Clarke’s. “I can spend the day with you and Alex if you’d like. Whatever you want I’ll do Clarke.”

“I have to go to the hospital today to get tested to see if I’m a match. Octavia already said she could watch Alex. Could you...could you maybe come with me?”

“Of course.”

///

Clarke and Lexa shower (separately) and get dressed. Lexa could have easily taken a cab home and gotten ready at her place but she didn’t want to leave Clarke right now. Clarke’s eyes were dull and she looked lost even though she was pretending like she was okay. Lexa knew though and it scared her. She’s never seen her favorite pools of blue so lifeless before. 

They get to the hospital and the first step is a blood test. Abby’s blood type is an A apparently so Clarke will need to be an A, O, or AB blood type in order to be a match. Clarke goes and gets her blood drawn with Lexa holding her hand the whole time. Lexa refuses to leave her side. Since Clarke works at the hospital and so does Abby, the lab technician fast tracks the testing and says he’ll have the results in an hour. Clarke anxiously sits in the cafeteria with Lexa, their hands rarely parting from the other. Clarke chews on her bottom lip as her leg nervously bobs up and down.

“I have to be a match Lex.” Clarke repeats for the fifth time today.

“You’ll know soon enough. We will all get through this.” Lexa says, knowing that no matter what they will get through this. She will move heaven and hell for her family.

Clarke goes up the lab technician desk like she’s walking a funeral line. She walks back over to Lexa and hands her over the envelope with the results that could potentially save her mother’s life.

“Here you open it. I can’t do it myself.” Clarke shakily pushes the paper into Lexa’s waiting hands.

Lexa deeply inhales as her eyes furiously scan the words on the paper. _Not a match. Clarke is not a match_.

“Clarke...I’m so sorry.” Lexa breathes out and Clarke just sucks in a deep breath and nods. A few stray tears begin to fall but the blonde wipes them away as quickly as they fell.

“Oh.. my blood type is B then I suppose. She needs a person with AB, O, or A. ” Clarke defeatedly says. And in that moment Lexa realizes something. She’s O. She remembers from when she was in the hospital after her underground fighting days. Lexa is a match.

“Uh I need to go take a walk or something. Get some fresh air.” Clarke speaks again, this time quieter, her voice thick with emotion.

“I’ll come with you.” Lexa readily supplies, willing to do anything to make her feel better.

“You’ve been so amazing this weekend but I think I need to be by myself for awhile.” 

“I understand. If you need me, don’t hesitate to call.”

“Okay. Thank you Lex. Thank you so much for being here.” Clarke tightly hugs Lexa and presses a kiss to her cheek.

“Always.” Lexa says as she hugs just as fiercely back.

Once Lexa can see Clarke is out the door, she goes up to the nurses at the front desk.

“Hi, my name is Lexa Woods and I’d like fill out the papers to do an anonymous liver donation to Dr. Abigail Griffin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all comments and kudos! I'm going to try and update more regularly now.


	26. There is a Light That Never Goes Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The results of the testing are in. How will this affect the whole gang?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mistakes! Enjoy :)
> 
> I got some comments that my info on organ donation was wrong in the last chapter so I'm going to edit it and clean it up as soon as I get the time. Thanks for your help!

_2 weeks later_

Lexa is meeting up with Anya for the third time in the past few weeks. The second time they met up for a quick coffee right before Lexa’s shift. It was awkward but there was improvement. Slowly, the two sisters are on the road to recovery. Lexa arrives at Nykos and knocks on the door. Anya answers and lets her in.

“Can I get you anything to drink?” Anya asks, while she unwraps the chicken parm subs she got from around the corner at that deli Lexa always used to love when they were kids.

“Iced tea please.” Lexa asks as she sits at the bar stool. Lexa has been on nerves the last two weeks. She is awaiting the test results from the hospital. She’ll know any day now if she can save Abby. The waiting is really weighing on her. Clarke is barely holding it together, and that’s only for their little girl. She wishes she could tell Clarke she was tested but she doesn’t want to give the blonde false hope.

“Here you go.” Anya pulls her out of her thoughts by placing a cool drink in front of her. Lexa is slightly startled and Anyas eyebrow furrows in confusion. “Are you okay, Lexa? You seem particularly out of it today.”

“Ugh yes..well no not really.” Lexa breathes out. She’s not sure if she should talk to Anya about this, but she’s bursting at the seams with anxiety and nerves from holding this secret in. Anya looks at her expectantly, waiting for Lexa to continue.

“Clarke’s mom has cancer.” Lexa says shakily and Anya gasps, her hand flying over her mouth.

“Oh poor Abby. How severe is it?” Anya questions, her tone suddenly grim and serious.

“It’s pretty bad. It’s in her liver and she needs a transplant. Clarke isn’t a match. She’s on a list but that might take years that Abby just doesn’t have.” Lexa says while playing with her food. Lexa loves Abby like a mother. She really hopes she will be a match.

“Fucking hell. None of us can ever catch a break, can we? Abby was always such a sweetheart. How is Clarke holding up?” 

“Not good...I actually uh went to get tested. I get my results back any day now and if I’m a match, I’m donating.” Lexa confidently says.

Anya looks up at Lexa with wide eyes as if she was a deer stuck in headlights.

“Lex...I know you love Clarke and Abby but.. liver donation is a big deal and I just want you to make sure you’re doing this for the right reasons.”

Lexa’s eyebrows furrow as she shakes her head. “I am doing this for the right reasons Anya. I love Clarke and I love Abby. Abby was like the mother I never got to know. I would do this even if the potential for a future with Clarke wasn’t a possibility.”

Anya looks at Lexa with a strange but proud look on her face. She throws her hands up in mock surrender. “You’re absolutely right. I’m just looking out for you little sis.”

“I know and thank you. But you don’t need to watch out for me on this one.” Lexa says and Anya sips her tea in defeat. As much as she worries for her sister to go through surgery, a part of her does hope Lexa is a match. Clarke and Abby need this to work. She knows Abby’s death would kill Clarke right along with her.

Their conversation comes to an abrupt end when Lexa gets a incoming phone call. Lexa looks at the caller ID.

“Who is it?” Anya asks, noticing how pale Lexa is.

“It’s the hospital.” Lexa mumbles before breathing in and answering the phone.

“Hello.” Lexa answers hesitantly. Anya sees Lexa’s eyes widen. Anya shoots her a curious look, eager to know what has made Lexa’s eyes bulge out of her head. 

“Alright I will. Thank you. You too.” Lexa breathes out, her eyes watery.

“What happened kid?” Anya asks, squeezing her sister’s hand reassuringly.

“The results are in from the testing.”

///

Clarke is humming along to the tune of the radio as she sketches away with her daughter when she hears the doorbell. The blonde lowers the music and ruffles her daughter’s hair before leaving Alex’s room to answer the door. She isn’t expecting anyone but hopes it’s Lexa on the other side of the apartment door. Lately, Lexa has been showing up more randomly with the excuses of ice cream or a movie night. Clarke is excited by the spontaneity of it all because it means Lexa is finally getting comfortable with being in Clarke’s life again. The brunette no longer feels awkward or hesitant when walking into the blonde’s apartment. For awhile, Clarke could tell Lexa felt like just a guest in her and Alex’s life. She felt out of place and made sure to never overstep her boundaries. Slowly but surely, Clarke has happily watched Lexa return to _her_ Lexa, the Lexa before all the drama and heartache.

When Clarke opens the door, it’s not Lexa but instead her mother. Abby looks tired, the under eye bags on her face heavy and prominent. Still though, her mom is a fighter and plasters a soft smile on her face. Clarke looks into her mom’s eyes which sparkle with a level of hope she hasn’t seen since they found out Clarke wasn’t a match. 

“Mom? Come in. Come sit down and rest.” Clarke hurriedly says picking up the plastic bag of pastries Abby surely picked up at the corner bakery on her way here. “Alex baby, come say hi to your grandma!” Clarke calls out and Alex responds with a “Five minutes mama. I’ms finishing our drawing!”

“I have cancer Clarke. I’m not dead..yet. I can certainly carry a couple eclairs.” Abby teases and chuckles to herself. Clarke throws her a warning glare and disapprovingly shakes her head. Abby has acquired a dark humor that Clarke can’t process. The prospect of losing her mother forever is just too much for her.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know you hate when I joke about my death.” Abby concedes and sits on the couch, handing over the bag of desserts to her worried daughter.

“How are you feeling today? Do you have any pain?” Clarke asks, sitting close to her mother and looking over Abby’s appearance. She looks exhausted but good.

“Today has been a good day. A great day actually..that’s why I’m here. I got a call about an hour ago from the hospital and...well they said they found a match.” Abby beams. As she says the final fews words of her sentence, Clarke releases out a choked sob and launches herself into her mother’s arms just as a child would in need of protection from the harsh, harsh world. 

“That’s amazing. Oh my god. Oh my god.” Clarke repeats like a mantra into her mother’s shoulder as she wets Abby’s shirt with tears. The words _they found a match_ echo through her head.

“Did the hospital say who it was? And when’s the surgery?” Clarke asks her mother and Abby shakes her head.

“Well Dr. Jackson took a look at the files unofficially and told me who it was.” Abby carefully draws out the words, looking at Clarke strangely. Clarke looks at her expectantly.

“The donor is Marcus.” Abby says with a soft smile on her face and Clarke looks at her with confusion. Abby wipes away the mascara tear streak running down her daughter’s face. 

“Marcus Kane..as in Uncle Marcus? As in Dad’s brother? The one we barely speak too?” Clarke asks slowly and Abby silently nods. Clarke could swear a flash of guilt sweeps through her mother’s eyes but she’s not sure.

“Yes, that’s the one.” Abby says. Clarke can tell Abby is struggling with something.

“Mom..what happened with Uncle Marcus?” Clarke asks, a sense of dread surrounding each word.

Abby looks like a trapped animal with wide eyes. Gulping down her nerves, she starts speaking.

“Sweetie..a long time ago, me and your Uncle Marcus were very...close. It was before me and you father started dating. Marcus is a few years younger than your father and was my biology class lab partner my junior year of high school. Well..I guess you could say we dated a little. It was just a high school relationship that ended before it could really start since I moved a few states away.”

Abby pauses and looks to her surprised, confused daughter.

“I met your father at university. He was a grad student working with one of my professors. He was sweet and charming and we started dating shortly after that. A year later I spent Christmas with his family and that’s when me and Marcus reconnected. It was a funny coincidence of the past and even your father had a good laugh about how small the world really is.” Abby sadly smiles at the thought of her late husband’s amazing sense of humor. She misses him with everyday that passes.

“Marcus became a very good friend of mine. There were times over the years where I believe that the line was a little blurry for him but it never was for me. I loved your father with everything I had and still am. I need you to know that Clarke.” Clarke nods along as she knows her mother loved her father. Her parents shared a special bond, she saw it throughout her whole childhood and adolescence.

“When your father died, I was heartbroken. I still am. But a few months later, me and Marcus grew closer again.” Tears silently trickled down Abby’s face. She couldn’t look at her daughter. She has always felt so guilty about this.

“You were struggling with being a new mother and Lexa leaving. It was just after you were diagnosed with postpartum. It just seemed like the world had it out for us. Everyday something else happened that made it impossible to remain positive. I needed someone to vent to and Marcus was there to lean on. It happened a few times after that and everytime, we both felt guilty and ashamed after. We decided to stop seeing each other, cut off all communication. I felt like I was cheating on your father. It was too soon. Marcus took a job a few weeks later at a company across the country and that was that. But three months ago he came back. We have been seeing each other since then and although we still feel some guilt, we are working through it. Marcus is like a breath of fresh air for me. I hope you understand sweetie. I’m so sorry if you think I have disgraced your father in anyway. I-”

“Mom, look at me.” Clarke gently grabs Abby’s face. “You didn’t disgrace anyone. Dad would have wanted you to move on. You didn’t do anything wrong, do you understand me?” Abby nods a yes and Clarke embraces her mother once more.

“This is a good thing mom. This is such a good thing. He’s a match. You’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay.” Clarke breathes out.

“I know but there’s one other thing.” Abby says strangely, pulling out of her daughter’s hug to stare at the blue eyes her late husband gifted their only child with.

“What is it?” Clarke asks nervously.

“Marcus wasn’t the only one who volunteered to donate, but this other person wasn’t a match.”

“Who was it..?” Clarke whispers.

“It was Lexa.”

///

Lexa is just got out of a nice long shower when she hears a knock at her door. Quickly, she throws on a t shirt and a pair of comfy joggers and goes to answer the door to find a beautiful blonde on the other side.

“Clarke hi.” Lexa shoots her a soft smile and moves to the side, wordlessly inviting her ex inside.

“I’m sorry to just stop by like this but I wanted to see you. Is that okay?” Clarke says a little insecurely, flashing a sweet smile to Lexa that warms the brunette’s insides with that gooey lovey feeling she missed for so long.

“Of course. You’re always welcome here.” Lexa says as she sits on the couch, Clarke mimicking her motions.

Lexa looks at Clarke’s soft happy expression and realizes the blonde looks like that dark cloud that has been following the blonde around ever since she found out about her mother’s illness seems to have subsided. Clarke looks her age again. Then Lexa remembers. She wasn’t a match. Abby is still sick. She tried and it still wasn’t good enough.

“You still with me there Lex?” Clarke gently probes, noticing Lexa’s furrowed brows and frown.

“Yea sorry. I was just thinking about something.” Lexa mumbles and waves her hand, swatting the thought away.

“Care to share?” Clarke says with a knowing smile.

“No it’s nothing. What did you want to talk about?” Lexa deflects and changes the subject. There is no point in telling Clarke that she was tested for organ donation. She didn’t do it to get extra brownie points with the blonde. No she did it because she loves Clarke and she loves Abby and she loves her daughter. She would do anything to help her family, and Abby is a part of that family. 

“Well it’s about my mom..” Clarke pauses, looking into Lexa’s verdant eyes. Lexa looks nervous and waits for what she assumes to be bad news to come out of Clarke’s mouth. That bad news never comes, however. “They’ve found a match.” Clarke is smiling with teary eyes. Lexa’s eyes widen in confusion but a big smile plasters across her face.

“Clarke...that’s fantastic. Oh my god.” Lexa tightly hugs the blonde in her arms. Lexa breathes in her tantalizing scent. She couldn’t be more relieved than in this moment. Everything is going to be okay. The universe is finally giving them a break.

“It’s apparently my Uncle Marcus. They’ve been seeing each other. My mom says there was another volunteer for donation though..” Clarke says, her voice muffled since her body is pressed into Lexa. Lexa regretfully let's go off her blonde love but doesn’t move back to her original spot on the couch.

“That’s amazing of your Uncle Marcus.” Lexa says truthfully, trying to avoid the fact that she was said other volunteer.

“Yeah I know. I’m surprised so many people volunteered.” Clarke says with a glint in her eyes.

“Everyone loves your mom Clarke.” Lexa says softly.

“Even you?” Clarke asks and Lexa can tell Clarke knows something.

“You know.” Lexa says quietly. “How could you..?” Lexa trails off.

“Me and my mom both work at the hospital Lex. One of the doctors told my mom unofficially. She’s very grateful you tried. She wants to take you to dinner one of these days. She said she could never repay you.” Clarke smiles and Lexa bites her lip and looks away.

“I wasn’t a match though.” Lexa mumbles. Clarke scoots closer to her and caresses one of Lexa’s cheeks, holding her hand in the other. Lexa’s eyes shoot up immediately.

“No but you tried. Not many people would have done that Lex. You’re such a compassionate caring woman Lex. That’s why I…” Clarke trails off a little and looks away for a second, presumably to gather courage to say the next words.

“Clarke..” Lexa whispers breathlessly.

“That’s why I love you. That’s why I am in love with you. I never stopped loving you and these past few months have made me fall for the woman you’ve become just as much as I love the girl you once were. Alexandria Woods, you are everything to me. Thank you you for trying to save my mother. Thank you for coming back. Thank you for being such a wonderful role model and mother to our baby girl. Thank you for saving me.” Clarke’s words are soft, her voice raspy. Clarke is unsure of how Lexa will react to this declaration. The pair agreed they would wait until the time is right to give a relationship a try. And Clarke has waited, but she doesn’t want to anymore. Because the time _does_ feel right. She can’t take another moment of being _near_ Lexa but not being _with_ Lexa.

Clarke’s face has been inching closer and closer to Lexa’s throughout her entire speech, to the point where their lips are almost meeting. Clarke briefly glances down to Lexa’s lips and then back up again to the brunette’s gaze which is transfixed on her own plump pink lips. Clarke takes the plunge once she sees Lexa’s lips part slightly. Their lips meet in a tender kiss. Lexa’s lips are moist and smooth and Clarke has missed them more than life itself. This kiss just feels _right_. It’s not an explosion of passion. No, it’s so much more than that. It’s a quiet declaration of love. It’s not a violent thunderstorm; it’s the soft pitter patter of rain tapping on the window on a lazy Sunday. It’s is entirely Lexa and Clarke.

Neither go to deepen the kiss and it’s over much too soon. Lexa’s eyes flutter open and Clarke stares dreamily into her ex’s eyes trying to gauge her feelings on what just occurred. 

“I want to be us again. I’m ready to give this a go again. I know we were waiting for the time to be right and...for me, that time is now. What do you say?” Clarke rambles a bit, her nerves starting to consume her.

Lexa gently touches her own lips as if they were stinging.

“I’ll be right back.” The firefighter mumbles before abruptly standing up and walking away, leaving Clarke clueless and concerned. 

“Lex..?” Clarke nervously chuckles a bit. Where is Lexa going? Clarke hears some movement in Lexa’s bedroom and a few seconds later, Lexa walks out with a jewelry box in her hand. Lexa’s eyes already have tears in them but she’s smiling brighter than Clarke has seen since they were kids.

Lexa kneels down on both her knees in front of Clarke and puts the box in the blonde’s lap. Clarke looks at her with confusion and affection in her eyes.

“Clarke Griffin...you’re the only woman I have and will love in this lifetime and all those that will follow. I don’t want another minute to be absent of your sweet spontaneous kisses. I still remember your contagious giggles when I would randomly blow raspberries on your stomach in the middle of making love to you. God, you are so beautiful. I remember the nights we would stare up at the stars and the moon, voicing our greatest fears and deepest secrets we never thought we would tell another soul. I remember the first time we made love, I remember the last, and all the times in between...which was a lot.” Lexa smirks a little and Clarke blushes. “Our love has withstood going to hell and back. These past few months have been the best of my life. It was a good thing we waited to explore a romantic relationship again. I don’t regret it. You needed time and I respected that. But now that I know you’re ready to give this another shot, I want to give you my all again. I swear fealty to you, Clarke. I vow to treat your needs as my own. I love you.”

Lexa opens the box and faces it towards Clarke. It’s a gorgeous white gold necklace with a star pendant. There are little blue sapphires and real diamonds littering the pendant. Clarke gasps, her hand flying to cover her ‘o’ shaped mouth.

“I bought it a few months after I left all those years ago. We were broke, barely had any money to buy food and socks to warm our feet. But I saw it in a jewelry store window though and I immediately thought of you. Maybe it’s cheesy but you’re my star Clarke. I can always look to you and know where I am. You ground me. I look in your eyes and I know I’m safe. When I was away from you, I would always look up at the stars and I found some solace. On my hardest days, I would wear this necklace and swear there would be a day when it would be around your neck instead of mine...This isn’t a ring, but it’s a promise that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to go slow in our relationship, but there’s only so slow two women who have been deeply in love with one another since they were kids can go. We can go at whatever pace you like, I just want you to know that I’m all in.”

Happy tears are staining Clarke’s cheeks and she smiles at her lover. Clarke bends down and pulling Lexa in by the chin into a bruising quick kiss. Clarke release a watery laugh. “I’m all in. I’m all in. I’ll go anywhere with you Lexa Woods.” Clarke caresses her face and she delights in the simple loving gesture. “Can you put this on me? It’s beautiful.” Lexa nods and takes the necklace that holds so much meaning to her and finally puts it on the one she bought it for all those years ago. She never thought she would get the chance to do this. Her eyes are watery and her heart is in tune to the melody of their love.

Lexa has a childlike smile adorning her face. The brunette has a twinkle in her eyes that she never thought she would get back. She peppers Clarke’s with a succession of kisses and pecks, making Clarke laugh out in joy. Lexa circles her arms around Clarke’s neck and pulls her in for a slightly longer kiss on the lips before resting her forehead on the blonde’s. The brunette and the blonde have fallen into a heap of tangled limbs on the couch. Clarke gets comfortable and puts most of her body weight on top of Lexa, her mess of blonde locks sprawled across Lexa’s face and chest. Her hair smells like the same pomegranate and guava shampoo she’s been using since high school. As Lexa listens to Clarke’s breathing even out and the half asleep murmurs of love emanating from Clarke Griffin’s mouth, she knows she’s home. And this time around, she is never leaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo I'm really sorry for the delay between chapters. I hit some writer's block there for a second and on top of that, the real world has made me especially busy as of late. I'll try and be more consistent with the next few upcoming chapters which I'm particularly proud of. 
> 
> I hope this chapter was worth the wait. Clexa is finally back together! We will see what that means and in what capacity they will be. As always, thank you for comments and kudos. I love to hear your opinions.


	27. Burning Desire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa discuss their pasts a little more. There are a few interruptions along the way but the two reconnect emotionally and physically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mistakes!

Lexa slowly wakes up to the sun peeking in her window and a heavy feeling pressing down on her chest. She is enveloped in warmth and comfort. For a second, her brain is confused. She’s so used to waking up alone. She hasn’t let anyone stay overnight with her since Clarke. Clarke. Lexa’s eyes fly open to find the blonde snuggled up close and warm to her. Lexa has slept over Clarke’s a few times since that night with when the blonde was distraught over her mother but she still hasn’t gotten used to waking up with the blonde in her arms. The brunette has even got into the habit of pinching herself to see if this is real. And it is. This is all very real.

Clarke’s mouth is open a little and she’s drooling just a tad on Lexa’s shirt. Lexa chuckles to herself a little and moves to gently wipe the blonde’s face. Clarke’s nose adorably scrunches up and she nuzzles her head into Lexa’s neck.

“Mm mm.” Clarke shakes her head, refusing to wake up. Lexa laughs heartily when the blonde hugs her tighter. She can afford to not wake up early like usual. If _her_ Clarke wants to sleep longer, she’s not complaining. She wants to keep Clarke in her arms for as long as she selfishly can. Lexa can feel her own eyes growing heavy with sleep yet again and she doesn’t fight it. She falls back into a deep sleep with her love in her arms.

The next time the pair wakes up it’s to a loud knocking at Lexa’s door. Clarke has always slept like a rock but Lexa has become accustomed to being a light sleeper. All those years on the streets and on the lookout for the Mount Weathers has made her always cognizant of her surroundings, even in slumber. Lexa wakes up immediately and maneuvers out of Clarke’s welcomed death grip around her waist. Lexa groggily makes her way to the door and opens it to find Lincoln and Octavia at the door.

Lincoln smiles wide and Octavia has a polite tight smile on.

“Lex..hey did we wake you? I figured you would be up since you’re an early riser like me.” Lincoln chirps out, a casserole in his hands.

“Uh yeah but it’s okay. Do you guys want to come in?” Lexa asks, a little confused to why the couple is here. Of course Lincoln is always welcomed over though.

“Sure, we can stop in for a few minutes.” Lincoln hugs his best friend and walks into the kitchen, completely missing the slightly snoring Clarke in the living room.

The couple sits at the high top table and politely refuse anything to drink when Lexa offers. There’s a beat of silence before Octavia starts speaking.

“We actually came here because of me.” Octavia says evenly, her eyes locking with Lexa’s. “I just wanted to apologize for my actions these past few months.” Lexa’s eyes widen slightly, surprised at Octavia’s apology. “You have to understand, I saw Clarke at her worst after you were _forced_ to leave. I never wanted to see my best friend in such pain again and then you came back. You came back and I could tell Clarke was going to let you back in again. And I got angry. I was angry because I didn’t think you deserved such forgiveness.” Lexa’s head hangs in shame but Octavia touches her hand and her head shoots up. “I was completely wrong. These past few months have shown me that. I’ve been trying to look out for Clarke but I think I’ve been doing more harm than good. Can you forgive me?” Octavia’s eyes are sincere and Lincoln even looks surprised.

When Octavia told Lincoln this morning that she wanted to go see Lexa, he wasn’t sure where she was going with this. The past few months, Octavia has still been icy to Lexa. But now she seems sincere and ready to bury the hatchet. Octavia is fiercely loyal and protective of those she loves. That’s an admirable trait too...but in this case, she was protecting her friend from someone she didn’t need protection from. Once she realized that, she wanted to clear the air immediately. 

“I understand why you were acting that way Octavia. I never blamed you for it either. Forced or not, I left Clarke and our baby. I may not have known about Alex, but that doesn’t change the fact that she was raised by one parent for almost all her life. It’s understandable that you needed time to warm up to me. You’re Alex’s family and I appreciate you being protective over her. So yes, of course I forgive you.” Octavia gets up and hugs her. Lexa whispers to her. “Thank you for watching out for my girl and our little girl when I couldn’t.” And Octavia responds with an ‘Always.’

After a few minutes of talking between the three of them, Lincoln and Octavia are hugging Lexa goodbye when Clarke walks out into the hall.

“Hey Lex?” Clarke sleepily yawns out, rubbing the sleep from her closed eyes. Lexa’s eyes widen once more as she looks at the ground. Octavia and Lincoln smirk at the two.

“Clarke?” Octavia calls out to her confused half asleep friend. The blonde’s head shoots up in confusion while she mumbles a ‘what the fuck.’

Octavia and Lincoln start laughing as they put their jackets on. “Alright well we obviously interrupted something. We will see you too soon.” Lincoln teases and pulls his curious wife out the door. “Clarke Griffin! You better call me later.” Octavia teasingly calls out as she leaves the apartment.

Clarke is still half asleep as she tries to piece together what just happened. Lexa blushes a little rubs the back of her neck her hand.

“Octavia and Lincoln stopped by.” Lexa sheepishly says. “I’m sorry they woke you.”

“No no it’s okay. I needed to get up anyways. I didn't want to sleep the whole day away. Why did they stop by?” Clarke asks, yawning again. She makes her way into the kitchen and pours herself some juice.

“Octavia wanted to apologize for how she’s been acting the past few months.” Lexa quietly says. Clarke looks shocked but nevertheless nods.

“Wow that’s great babe.” Clarke smiles brightly, happy that Octavia is finally coming around. Clarke puts down her drink and moves close to Lexa, wrapping her arms around her waist. The blonde moves on her tippy toes and plants a kiss on Lexa’s lips. It’s short and sweet, a good morning kiss. This all feels so normal. It feels as if Lexa never left and they are still teenager madly in love. The fact of the matter is, they might not be teenagers anymore...but there is no doubting that they are still madly in love.

Lexa closes her eyes and smiles. “Mmm you taste like oranges.” The firefighter pecks her lips again and Clarke laughs before hopping on the kitchen counter.

“Probably because I was just drinking the last of your orange juice.” Clarke teasingly says and Lexa pouts.

“Claaaaarke, I wanted some.” Lexa whines, a small smile teasing at her lips. Clarke pulls Lexa in by her collar and Lexa bites her lip.

“Well I guess you’ll have to settle for just a taste.” Clarke whispers against her lips and Lexa barely suppresses a shudder. Clarke smiles into the kiss, pouring all her lust and love for Lexa onto her lips. Lexa’s fingers dig into Clarke’s sides as the kiss goes from innocent to passionate in two seconds. The firefighter presses into Clarke and the blonde wraps her lips around Lexa’s waist. The pair is getting more and more aroused by the second. When they break for air after what seems like a lifetime, Lexa’s hair is completely disheveled from having Clarke’s hands messing it up during their intense makeout session.  
“That was more than a taste.” Clarke teases. Lexa smiles as she presses a kiss to Clarke’s forehead. Both girls are trying to get their breathing back under control. They know right now isn’t the right time to go any further than this.

“Let me make you some breakfast?” Lexa asks it as a question of sorts. She knows Alex is with Raven, but she isn’t sure when Clarke has to get back. Lexa moves out of Clarke’s embrace and turns around to get food out of the fridge.

“I’m definitely okay with that. As long as you let me help.” Clarke jumps off the counter and hugs Lexa from behind, leaning up to whisper in her ear. 

“God Clarke, your teasing is going to kill me one day I swear.” Lexa groans as Clarke’s hands play with the hem of Lexa’s shirt. Clarke has always loved teasing Lexa. When they were together, their sex drives were insatiable. And it always started with Clarke teasing Lexa. The pair is falling right back into their patterns.

“You don’t like it?” Clarke says with her oh so sexy raspy voice before playfully biting Lexa’s shoulder.

Lexa feels her cock growing hard by the second. Between the makeout session and Clarke’s relentless teasing, Lexa is two seconds away from making love to Clarke on the kitchen floor.

“I like it _too_ much.” Lexa sighs before turning around and kissing Clarke hungirly.

Clarke sucks on her lip hard in return, her hands squeezing Lexa’s ass. Lexa whimpers at Clarke’s advances. Lexa’s dick is fully hard at this point. “Clarke..are we going too fast?” Lexa breathes out. She doesn’t think they’re going too fast. To Lexa, this feels right. It might look like this happened overnight, but this has been a long time coming. They’re in love and Lexa wants to be close to Clarke again. But she doesn’t want to rush the blonde, no matter how eager Clarke may seem.

Clarke stops kissing her for a moment and looks into Lexa’s pupil blown eyes. “Does it feel too fast for you? Because I’m ready for this Lex. I already told you I’m all in. If you think we are rushing things, I completely understand...I just..I missed you.” Clarke’s voice is soft and tender and it makes Lexa’s heart melt.

“I’ve missed you too. I want this. I want you.” Lexa cups Clarke’s cheeks and kisses her purposefully. Clarke starts to unbuckle Lexa’s belt and pants, causing Lexa’s cock to twitch in excitement. Right when Clarke is about to take Lexa’s pants off and Lexa is snaking her hand up Clarke’s shirt, there is a knock at the door. Both girls freeze their movements, waiting to hear the knock again. And there it is. Lexa and Clarke whine at the sound. They’re both so worked up, they feel like they’re about to explode. 

“Maybe if we pretend we aren’t here, they’ll leave.” Clarke murmurs in Lexa’s ear, before kissing down her neck. Lexa lets out a sigh of arousal when she feels Clarke’s tongue on her overheated skin. The knocking doesn’t stop though.

“Fuck. Whoever is at the door is forever on my shit list.” Lexa grumbles as she zips up her pants.

“Let me answer the door. I don’t see that going down anytime soon.” Lexa follows Clarke’s eyes to her ever persistent boner. The firefighter blushes and nods. The blonde smiles and kisses her cheek before going to answer the door.

Clarke fixes herself and opens the door to the same girl from the park. _’That Luna bitch’_ Clarke thinks. Luna’s smile is completely wiped off her face when she sees the slightly disheveled blonde, the mother of Lexa’s daughter, at the door. Luna schools her features, but is very disappointed that the brunette firefighter is clearly off the market. Clarke looks at her expectantly.

“Hi sorry. I was looking for Lexa, but I can see now that she’s busy. Tell her to give me a call when she can.” Luna sweetly says, her voice too sweet - almost condescending. 

“Okay. I need a name.” Clarke says blankly. She’s not about to give this girl the satisfaction that she remembered her name. Luna laughs a little. _’So the blonde has some spunk.’_

“Luna. Oh and believe me, Lexa knows me very _well_.” And with that Luna struts to the elevator of the apartment floor, leaving chaos in her wake.

Clarke slams the door and Lexa walks out from the kitchen with a concerned look on her face.

“Clarke, what’s wrong? Who was at the door?” Lexa asks worriedly, her arousal visibly lessening with each second that passes.

“Luna.” Clarke grits out, trying not to make her anger and jealousy evident. She fails, however.

Lexa’s eyebrows furrow like they do whenever she’s confused.

“Why did Luna come here?” She wonders out loud.

“She said she was looking for you and to give you a call when you’re not ‘busy.’ She also said you know her very _well. _” Clarke huffs, crossing her arms.__

__“I know how it sounds babe. But I promise you, she was never anything to me.” Lexa moves closer to Clarke and opens her arms for a hug. Clarke readily accepts the embrace, sighing in the firefighter’s arms._ _

__“You never slept with her? Kissed her? Anything?” Clarke asks, insecurity evident in her voice. Lexa breathes out deeply. Luna _did_ throw herself at Lexa that one time, but she really doesn’t want to tell Clarke that._ _

__Noticing Lexa’s hesitation, Clarke gently removes herself from her embrace and speaks softly with sadness evident in her voice. “Lexa, we weren’t together so if you did do something with Luna.. you didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t like thinking of you with other people, but I need to know.”_ _

__“Clarke, I didn’t sleep with her. I’ll tell you anything you want to know. Let’s just sit down, okay?” Lexa says and Clarke nods. The firefighter holds out her hand, which Clarke takes, and they make their way to the couch. The pair sits with their legs folded like pretzels, staring in each other's eyes._ _

__“So Luna is my coworker.” Lexa starts out, and Clarke nods encouragingly. “She was one of my closest friends at the station..until one night we all went out drinking. She got drunk and sat on my lap and started kissing my neck. I told her no and brought her home. She stripped and propositioned me.” Lexa rambles quietly, refusing to look at Clarke. Clarke is frowning and her stomach is in knots. “I said no though. I turned her down and I don’t think she ever really got the message. She still flirts with me and I’m polite enough, but I never flirt back.”_ _

__“It’s okay if you flirt with her Lex.” Clarke says sadly but truthfully. “She’s really pretty and we weren’t together for 7 years. I don’t like to think about it, but I know you weren’t a nun all those years.”_ _

__“I know I wasn’t Clarke. I have been with other people, you know that. But I haven’t been with anyone since coming back home to Polis. That’s the truth.” Lexa says confidently. Being home in Polis was like being home with Clarke again. She couldn’t even think about touching someone else while living here._ _

__“And yes, Luna is pretty. But she is nothing compared to you.” Lexa says softly and kisses Clarke’s palm. “Are we okay?” Lexa asks gently, still kissing Clarke’s hand._ _

__“Of course we are okay.” Clarke smiles and leans in to peck Lexa’s lips. “I just want everything out in the open with you. I want to do this right.” Clarke says while caressing Lexa’s cheek._ _

__Lexa bites her lip and looks toward the floor. She doesn’t really want to know about Clarke’s past romantic encounters after her but she feels like she needs to...not in detail of course. But they can’t avoid the elephant in the room that is the ‘exes talk’ forever._ _

__“While we are on the subject then...maybe we should talk about our pasts? You know like the exes talk...just to get it over with. I mean, I do have some questions too.” Lexa says insecurely._ _

__Clarke looks a little surprised but there’s also understanding in her eyes. “You can ask me anything you want, Lex.”_ _

__“Well uh..you and Ontari, how did that start? And how long were you two..a thing?” Lexa awkwardly rambles._ _

__“I met Ontari when Alex was 4 years old. We dated for a little over a year before she was offered a job in London.” Clarke says each word carefully. Lexa winces as if she’s in physical pain when she hears they dated for a little over a year. Were they in love? If Ontari didn’t move to London, would they still be together? Lexa didn’t even realize she voiced her fears out loud until Clarke shook her head._ _

__“Ontari is a lovely woman whom I did care about, but I never was _in love_ with her. I never fell out of love with you Lex.” Clarke assured the brunette just as Lexa quieted Clarke’s insecurity a few minutes ago about Luna._ _

__“Was there anyone else other than Ontari....and Bellamy?” Lexa grits out the last part of her question. She’s not going to ask about Bellamy Blake again. She knows all she needs to know about that and has made peace with it. There’s no reason to open up that can of worms._ _

__“Yes.” Clarke says and Lexa closes her eyes, willing herself to be strong. “Her name was Niylah. She was the first person I was with after you. It was a few months before I met Ontari. We met at a bar. I never saw her after that night and I didn’t want to. I cried the whole next morning.”_ _

__“Clarke..” Lexa says breathlessly. “She didn’t force..” Lexa couldn’t even finish the sentence before Clarke cut her off._ _

__“Oh god no. Niylah was gentle and sweet. It was completely consensual. I was crying because I missed you. I only wanted you, but that was the day I convinced myself you weren’t back. That was the day I realized I had to try and move on.” Lexa nodded sadly. “But I never could move on from you Lex. I’ve only ever wanted you and that will never change. I love you, do you hear me?”_ _

__“I love you too.” Lexa says emotionally, resting her forehead against Clarke’s._ _

__There is a silence for a few moments before Clarke asks a question that’s been on her mind for awhile. “I probably don’t want to know this...but how many girls have you..?” Clarke gulps and Lexa holds her hand in understanding._ _

__“I’m not sure.” Lexa says quietly, looking at Clarke’s face. Clarke is playing with her hands, refusing to look at Lexa. “I was lost after I left you Clarke. It took me years to even consider touching someone other than you. Even then, I couldn’t even bear the thought of forming an emotional attachment. I won’t lie to you...I had a lot of meaningless one night stands. The longest ‘thing’ I had with someone was a few years ago with this woman Mercedes. Forgive me if I sound crude, but she was just a warm body. It didn’t mean anything. We worked together at the diner and it was convenient. Other than that, I never saw the women I slept with after we finished. There was no point in looking for love when I already found and lost my one and only true love. Nobody else mattered. Nobody else could even compare.”_ _

__Clarke launches herself at Lexa, and kisses her deeply. Lexa takes a second to catch up but once she does, she kisses the blonde back with equal fervor. Clarke pushes Lexa down so that she’s lying on top of her on the couch. Lexa grips Clarke’s hair and sucks red marks onto the blonde’s neck. Their breathing grows heavy and erratic. The pair kisses a little more until the blonde’s annoying ringtone stops them. Lexa groans and shifts, pulling Clarke in closer as the blonde giggles. The firefighter peeks open one eye to see Clarke smiling at her with swollen lips. Lexa can’t help the timid smile that graces her face._ _

__The blonde wiggles out of Lexa’s embrace, much to the older girl’s discontent, and hurries to answer her phone._ _

__“Hey Rae, whatsup?” Clarke asks, a little out of breathe._ _

__“Hey Clarkey. Just wanted to let you know that I’m taking the squirt here to the roller blade rink. Sound good?”_ _

__“Yeah that’s perfect. Thank you so much for taking care of her today and send her my love and kisses, okay?”_ _

__“You know I love my lil Alexbug. Alright now go back to smooching your woman, I can hear the horniness in your voice!” Raven teases and hangs up the phone before Clarke can scold her for it. Clarke just bites her lip, slightly embarrassed._ _

__Lexa is up now and sitting on the couch staring at Clarke’s backside and the soft curves of her lover’s body. Lexa is so wrapped up in her shameless staring at the blonde’s body that she doesn’t even realize Clarke is already off the phone._ _

__“You like the view?” Clarke clears her throat and smirks._ _

__“Uh no..” Lexa’s face grows a deep shade of red, embarrassed for being caught. Clarke just laughs a little because Lexa looks like a child caught with her hand in the cookie jar._ _

__“No?” Clarke challenges, unbuttoning the top two buttons on her blouse. Ample cleavage is showing and if Lexa looks really hard she can see the lacy top part of the blonde’s black bra peeking out._ _

__“Holy shit.” Lexa murmurs as her eyes widen like saucers. Clarke intentionally sways her hips as she makes her way over to the couch. Lexa is rooted in her place, too afraid that one movement on her part will end this show._ _

__Clarke slowly straddles the firefighter, ever so slightly pushing her breasts into Lexa’s face. If Lexa just moves her mouth a few inches, her aching lips will be pressed firmly on the hot supple skin of Clarke’s swells. But Lexa doesn’t move a muscle. She’s too in awe of feeling Clarke’s body radiate heat on her once again. Lexa’s hands tightly grip onto the edge of her seat for dear life as if she was on a roller coaster that was at it’s highest peak._ _

__“Still no?” Clarke huskily rasps out, her voice oozing with seduction._ _

__Lexa tries to gulp but her mouth is much too dry. All she can do is nod in agreement with Clarke, eager to see how much farther the blonde will take this. Lexa swears she’s never been this turned on in her life._ _

__Clarke chuckles a little and bites her lip, a tell tale sign that means she’s wildly turned on. The blonde pushes Lexa further into the cushions of the couch and leans down so that her lips are grazing her lover’s ear. Lexa can feel the little hot puffs of Clarke’s breath hit her skin and it sends shivers down her spine._ _

__“I guess we will have to change that then, won’t we?” Clarke whispers and then takes the brunette’s ear lobe in her mouth, sucking and licking just the way that drives Lexa up a wall._ _

__Lexa shakily inhales a sharp intake of breathe when she feels Clarke’s tongue running over her ear._ _

__“Klark.” The overheated firefighter whimpers as Clarke kisses down the column of her throat, sucking a mark into her collarbone. Lexa feels dizzy and breathless. She’s panting heavily and very little has happened so far. “Can I touch you?” Lexa’s words are tender and gentle and there is so much love packed into them it makes Clarke a little dizzy._ _

__“Feel me Lex.” Clarke softly pleads. Lexa doesn’t know where to begin. She licks her lips and tenderly caresses Clarke’s face, cupping her face and brushing their lips together in gentle haze inducing kiss. When Clarke noticed Lexa hungirly scanning her body, the blonde decided she wanted to mess around a bit with Lexa. Only now, it seems to have taken the turn for something much deeper and impassioned._ _

__“I want you to make love to you.” Lexa whispers, tattooing the words on Clarke’s pink lips with her own plump pair. Clarke’s eyes are clear, housing all the love in the world. Clarke pulls Lexa in for a long slow kiss, massaging their tongues against one another. Lexa swirls her tongue around Clarke’s and the roof of her mouth, exploring and working both of them up. Their mixed heavy breaths and the sound of their lips clicking and smacking together permeates through Lexa’s apartment, the sound of soft jazz still playing low in the background._ _

__Lexa’s hands grip at Clarke’s thighs and reluctantly removes her lips from her lover’s. The pair catches their breath while resting against one another’s foreheads. Lexa kisses the tip of Clarke’s nose and smiles as the youthful giggle that leaves Clarke’s mouth. “I don’t want to do this on the couch. You deserve more than quick desperate sex like last time.” Lexa leans in and nips at the blonde’s creamy neck. Clarke exhales deeply in content. “You deserve my full attention.” Lexa sucks on her pulse point, soothing her marks with the run of her tongue. “I want to savor every moment of relearning your body.” Lexa places a soft kiss on the aroused blonde’s chin._ _

__“Bedroom.” Clarke mewls out as Lexa’s sucks and licks the top of Clarke’s breasts. Lexa nods in agreement, all the while still enjoying the sensation of Clarke’s chest pressed against her lips. Lexa grips Clarke by her thighs and begins the descent to her bedroom with the blonde wrapped around her waist._ _

__The bedroom is dark, too dark. Lexa places Clarke on the bed and scurries off to the other side of the room, lighting a couple of candles to create a warm sensual mood. Lexa hurries back to her love and moves her way up the blonde’s body. Clarke opens her arms and Lexa readily nuzzles into her neck, leaving soft kisses in her wake. “What was that for?” Clarke asks, her voice thick with arousal. Lexa slowly unbuttons the rest of Clarke’s blouse, removes the sheer fabric off the blonde’s body. Lexa kisses her love’s shoulders and pushes away her bra straps. “It was too dark. I needed to see you. I want to look into your eyes when I feel your walls pulse around me.”_ _

__Clarke moans out Lexa’s name. The firefighter was never a talker during sex. But this new bold side of Lexa is turning her on and making the blonde feel safe. Hearing Lexa’s voice always made her feel so loved. This much of Lexa has her on sensory overload in the best possible of ways._ _

__“I need you bare Lexa.” Clarke growls out, her arousal clouding her mind. Lexa’s eyes are virtually black with lust and desire. Clarke lifts up Lexa’s shirt up and off of her body. The blonde’s movements are slow and loving. Clarke moves her hands to Lexa’s ass to encourage a slow grind on her thigh. Lexa’s erection is hard and pulsing. Every grinding motion causes Lexa to grunt out in pleasure._ _

__The two women take turns peeling off eachother’s clothes slowly. With each piece of clothing removed, they place sweet kisses to the newly revealed skin. They have all the time in the world and they are taking their time basking in each other's presence. Lexa’s constricting boxers and Clarke’s racy thong are the only articles the pair has left on them._ _

__“Klark.” Lexa pants out. She’s breathless, staring down at the squirming ethereal goddess below her. This is their second chance. It’s their second chance to be together and stay together. Lexa is overwhelmed with the need to be as close to Clarke as possible._ _

__Lexa kisses down the blonde’s chest, sucking and nipping at Clarke’s erect nipples on her way down. She gets to her panties and purposefully takes her lover’s underwear off with her teeth._ _

__“Jesus Lexa.” Clarke’s hips buck at the sight of the brunette pulling her thong off her her bare teeth. Lexa presses a kiss to Clarke’s mound and teasingly swipes her tongue over Clarke’s pulsing clit._ _

__Clarke gasps out in surprise and moans out ungodly sounds that make Lexa almost come on the spot._ _

__“Clarke your moans make me so hard.” Lexa whispers against the hot skin of Clarke’s thigh, before biting down on the soft flesh. Lexa soothes the bite with her tongue before grabbing Clarke by the thighs and pulling her to the edge of the bed._ _

__“I need to taste you some more.” Lexa murmurs before diving in, her tongue pushing in and out of Clarke’s entrance. Lexa tightens her grip on the blonde’s thighs and waist to stop Clarke from riding her face. “Let me please you baby.” Lexa says and starting sucking on the clit._ _

__“LEXA” Clarke screams out and Lexa smirks. Lexa decides she’s built Clarke up enough and removes her lips from Clarke’s pussy. Clarke groans at the loss of that warm velvety mouth encircling her clit._ _

__“I want to see your face when you come.” Lexa says lovingly, moving up Clarke’s body to cup her face._ _

__“I love you so much.” Clarke rasps out, her breathing heavy. “Let me be on top.”_ _

__Lexa licks her lips and nods. The pair inches up towards the pillows of the bed and lay next to one another, facing sideways. Their legs entangle as they kiss. Clarke snakes her hand down and cups Lexa’s pulsing erection through her boxers. Lexa releases a strangled moan and the simple touch. Her cheeks grow red with embarrassment that she’s so eager._ _

__“Hey don’t be embarrassed. I love how you react when I touch you.” Clarke whispers against her lips._ _

__Lexa’s boxers are shed moments later and her erect cock is out and pressed between them. Clarke grips Lexa’s penis and slowly strokes the shaft. Lexa grunts in pleasure as Clarke works her up, increasing her speed._ _

__“Clarke..” Lexa moans out, her eyes tightly shut. Clarke smiles and kisses her lover. “Where are your condoms?” Clarke asks and Lexa’s eyes open._ _

__“The drawer behind me.” Lexa moans out as Clarke hasn’t stopped her ministrations. Clarke nods and stops stroking Lexa. She leans over and grabs a condom, placing it on Lexa’s very hard penis._ _

__“Here, lay on your back.” Clarke says sexily and Lexa immediately obliges. Clarke aligns her entrance with Lexa’s penis and sits down slowly._ _

__Both girls groan in pleasure as Clarke’s walls flutter at the new sensation. They are both so worked up, they know the other won’t last very long. Clarke begins to ride Lexa, the sound of their skin slapping together and the rhythmic soft creaks of the bed post permeate through the air. Lexa is staring up at Clarke with love in her eyes as the blonde stares right back into her soul. Lexa grips Clarke’s hips, watching the blonde’s breasts bounce up and down. Lexa feels like she’s about to blow._ _

__“Clarke...I’m so close..” Lexa moans out._ _

__“Me too. It’s..umph...okay. You can let go baby.” Clarke struggles to form a sentence because her body is on the verge of being consumed by her climax. The blonde desperately speeds up her movements as they scream out in pleasure. Clarke can feel Lexa’s body tense up and watches as her love begins to come. Clarke feels her toes curl and only seconds later, the blonde is throwing her head back and riding Lexa faster and with reckless abandon._ _

__When both girls are too sensitive for more, Clarke climbs off of Lexa and lays next to the brunette breathlessly. Lexa removes the condom and cleans up before pulling Clarke to lay her head on her chest. Lexa softly strokes Clarke’s back and breathes in the sweet smell of sex and Clarke’s shampoo._ _

__“I love you so much, Clarke Griffin.” Lexa says with emotion and passion laced in every word. Clarke eyes are closed and Lexa smiles, assuming Clarke has fallen asleep. Lexa pulls the blanket over them with her free hand before kissing the blonde’s forehead. Lexa closes her eyes and right when she’s about to drift off into a nice post sex napm she hears Clarke._ _

__“I love you too, Lexa Woods. More than you’ll ever know.”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to update more regularly but finals are coming up. It's going to be hard to find time to write in the next few weeks. Good news is that around Christmas time, I will be done for the semester! I'll have some free time again and hopefully I'll be able to update most of my fics.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I know it might seem fast that they jumped into bed together again. But they love eachother and this is how they express it. They always were a physical couple. They're falling into the patterns of their old relationship and that's not a bad thing. They were a great couple in high school and will be now.
> 
> The angst is on the backburner for awhile now (finally). Next few chapters will focus on the buildup on their relationship. Hopefully, I can squeeze little Alex in this next chapter too.
> 
> As always, I love to hear your comments and appreciate your opinions. :)


	28. On Top Of The World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke reconnect some more. Little Alex is back!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mistakes!

“Oh you feel so amazing Clarke.” Lexa moans out as she slowly pushes her length in and out of the blonde. Clarke is panting into the pillow, butt in the air and on her hands and knees. Lexa has a firm grip on Clarke’s hips as she starts to pick up her pace.

“God Lexa you’re so good.” Clarke whimpers out as she becomes delirious with pleasure. Both girls mumble incoherent expletives and their lover’s name until they come. Lexa pulls out of Clarke and throws away the condom. She lays there breathless next to her sweaty lover. The entire day has consisted of becoming _very_ well acquainted with each other's bodies and minds again. Lexa opens her arms and Clarke snuggles into her warm embrace, both women quickly falling asleep yet again.

///

Clarke and Lexa shower, _together of course_. After another round, the women leave the shower once they are clean and the water has run cold. Lexa gives Clarke one of her firefighter t shirts and a part of basketball shorts to wear. Clarke looks so cute with her wet hair wearing her clothes. The t shirt is considerably tighter on the blonde’s bust and thus Lexa can see Clarke’s hard nipples through the fabric. Clarke busies herself pouring them a big bowl of cinnamon toast crunch mixed with bananas and captain crunch to share just like they used to. Lexa groans at the sight of Clarke’s nipples through her t shirt. The firefighter snakes her arms around Clarke’s waist and pulls her in for a bruising kiss. Clarke squeaks in her surprise at Lexa’s rough side and sucks on the brunette’s bottom lip eagerly.

Clarke releases Lexa’s lip with a popping sound and a smile. Lexa kisses Clarke’s cheek and smiles, pulling Clarke into a tight embrace.

“You really like me wearing your clothes huh?” Clarke smirks, already aroused yet again and just after one heated kiss.

“I love it even more when I take them off.” Lexa murmurs, kissing the top of her head. She can feel the arousal pooling in her stomach. God, they’re so insatiable.  
“Well what are you waiting for Woods?” Clarke bits her lip and Lexa mumbles a ‘oh fuck’ before diving in for grabbing Clarke by the thighs and carrying her back to the bedroom for more hot hot sex.

///

Clarke and Lexa finally make it out of the older girl’s apartment by dinner time. They are showered and dressed and ready to see their baby girl. Both parents miss Alex dearly and as much as they have cherished being in each other’s arms again, they miss their daughter.

The blonde drives them over to her apartment to have dinner with Alex. Lexa smiles and chuckles, watching Clarke sing the wrong lyrics to the song playing on the radio.

“I see you’re still butchering songs yeah?” Lexa joked. Truthfully, Clarke had a soft beautiful voice. She just always messed up the song lyrics to _every_ song known to man.

Clarke laughs out loud and shakes her head. The two fall into a comfortable silence until they park in front of Clarke’s apartment. 

“Lex.” Clarke says as she turns her body a little to better face Lexa.

“Hmm?” Lexa mumbles as she grabs Clarke’s hand and kisses it. Clarke blushes slightly and Lexa smiles that despite all the sex they had in the past 24 hours, a simple kiss to the hand can make Clarke blush.

“Do you think we should tell Alex about us yet?” Clarke asks gently and Lexa narrows her eyes like she always does when she’s thinking.

“I’m all in Clarke. I really do believe that we are going to make it. We are going to be each other’s forevers. I do want to give us the time to learn about each other again though, without any prying eyes. What do you think?”

“I agree. I just got you back, I don’t want to share you yet.” Clarke smiles and pulls Lexa by the chin in for a quick peck. “Also, Alex is going to get very excited and I just want us to have it all figured out once we tell her.”

“Why are you so smart?” Lexa teases before leaning in for another kiss. The pair kisses for a bit before Lexa hears her phone chime. Two text messages from Anya. 

“Who’s that?” Clarke saying, sensing Lexa’s apprehension to open it in front of her.

“It’s..well it’s Anya.” Lexa rubs the back of her neck like she does when she’s nervous.

“Oh..I see.” Clarke goes quiet. “So I take it that you two are talking again?”

“Yeah. But listen Clarke, we don’t have to introduce Alex to her yet or anything. I don’t forgive Anya, but..but she is my sister. And I love her. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” Lexa rants and Clarke just smiles at her. “What? Why are you smiling? Is there something in my teeth?”

“You’re just adorable when you ramble.” Clarke sweetly says and kisses her cheek.  
“So you’re not mad?” Lexa asks, clearly confused. She knows how Clarke feels about Anya.

“I have no reason to be mad. I knew you would reconnect with your sister eventually. She’s all the family you have beside me and Alex. I think it’s good Lexa. But I meant what I said before too. I don’t want her around Alex...at least not yet. I have to see her before that could even be a possibility.”

“Thank you so much for understanding. I love you.” Lexa kisses Clarke soundly, but before it can get heated, Clarke pulls away.

“Come on you sex machine, we are never going to leave this car if we don’t stop.” Clarke teases and gives Lexa one more much too short peck.

“Don’t act so innocent Griffin. You know you’re just as bad as me.” Lexa challenges and Clarke scoffs. Truthfully, they both are sex monsters when it comes to the other. They just can’t keep their hands off each other.

///

“Mama! Mommy! I’ve missed yous!!” Alex launches herself into Clarke’s arms and pecks her Mama’s face over and over again. Clarke laughs and hugs her little girl.

“I miss you so much my baby girl. You wanna give mommy kisses too?” Clarke pecks her daughter’s forehead before passing her off to Lexa. Alex pecks her mommy’s cheek and hugs her tight. Raven is in the hallway watching the picture perfect family moment, recording the whole thing.

“Hey there peanut. I missed you.” Alex hugs her some more. “So what have you and Auntie Raven been up to?” Lexa asks, walking to the couch so they can sit down.

“Well..” And so Alex went on for two hours about her and Raven’s little adventures ice skating and at the ice cream shop that Raven promised she wouldn’t take Alex to so close to dinner. Raven hurriedly went to her room when Alex started explaining how they ate candy and watched movies all night. At least they were PG though. Clarke just playfully yelled Raven’s name. Raven isn’t a bad babysitter despite appearances. She’s just the aunt who spoils the kids when the parents are away. It’s basically in her job description to sneak the kid some candy and ice cream here and then.

“Mommy, are you sleeping overs? This time I don’t want you to sleep in Mama’s bed.” Alex says seriously and Clarke and Lexa’s faces pale.

“And why is that sweetie?” Clarke softly asks, trying not to laugh.

“Because I wannas build a fort!” Clarke and Lexa laugh. 

“How about you go brush your teeth and change into your pjs and then we will let you know.” Clarke says in her ‘mommy means business’ tone. Alex knows not to argue with her and runs off to get changed.

“So what do you say Woods? Can you stand to be in my presence one more night?” Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa when she sees that Alex is in her room, far away.

“Hmm I guess one more night wouldn’t be too bad. But only one more night. You’re starting to get clingy Ms. Griffin.” Lexa teases and kisses Clarke sweetly. Of course Lexa is kidding. Clarke is her world. She would spend every second with her if she could.

“No funny business though.” Clarke wags her finger and Lexa. The firefighter just laughs.

“I can make that promise as long as you can.” Lexa kisses Clarke’s neck and bites her collarbone softly. Clarke lets out a soft moan.

“You’re trouble Woods.” Clarke mumbles, enjoying the sensation. Lexa pulls away quickly when she hears the little pitter patter of their daughter’s feet.

“You guys aren’t dressed in your pjs yet!” Alex whines.

“We didn’t even say yes to mommy sleeping over yet.” Clarke reminds her little girl.

“Aw mama please.” Alex begs, her lip jutting out in a pout similar to Lexa’s when she whines.

“Okay you little rascal. Come on, go get your pillows and blankets from your room. We are making a fort!” Clarke exclaims and Alex jumps up and screams in excitement.

Clarke gives Lexa a pair of sweats and a baggy old high school t shirt to sleep in. The pair gets all the blankets and pillows they can find and bring them to the living room. They start building the fort with their little girl and everything is perfect. It all feels slow motion when Lexa stares and her love and her daughter laughing and tickling each other in a mess of sheets and pillows. She’s home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's a short little chapter I typed up right before the holidays. Happy Holidays to all :)
> 
> What are y'all thinking? I have an idea where I want to take this (the next 10 chapters are already planned), but I'm open to your input as well.


	29. Paradise By the Dashboard Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex wakes up her mommies to a mess in the kitchen and some cute family bonding time plus Raven. Clarke and Lexa reconnect yet again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mistakes!

“Mama! Mommy! Wakes ups!” Alex screams out excitedly before jumping on her two mommies who somehow cuddled up last night in their sleep. Lexa groans and peeks her eyes open to find little Alex covered in flour and Clarke cuddled into her side. Clarke just mumbles something about five more minutes and hugs Lexa tighter. Clarke starts lightly snoring and it melts Lexa’s heart a little bit more. Lexa smiles at the overload of cuteness her little family is right now.

“Peanut, why are you covered in snow?” Lexa teases and Alex giggles.

“Mommy! This isn’t snow!” Alex laughs hysterically and Lexa smiles. “This is flour. Me and Aunt Ravens is makings some pancakes for yous two.” Alex tugs on Lexa’s hand to get up and come into the kitchen.

“Get Mama too! Mama! Mama!” Alex starts shouting in Clarke’s ear and Lexas’ eyes widen. Her poor girlfriend’s eardrum is probably shattered by their daughter’s yelling. Wait, is that what Clarke is? Her girlfriend? They didn’t really label things but Lexa’s assuming that the title of girlfriend is acceptable. She supposes she should talk to Clarke about it.

“Jesus, Alex! You can’t scream in Mama’s ear like that! You’re going to make me deaf.” Clarke yells as she clutches at her ear. Alex’s little lip juts out and Lexa’s can see the tears welling in her eyes. “I was just tryna make yous bweakfast!” Alex screams before she runs off to her and slams the door.

Clarke sleepily sits up and looks a tad guilty. “She is just so excited you’re here. She got too excited and I embarrassed her by yelling at her in front of you. I’ll go talk to her.” Clarke mumbles as she stretches and makes her way to Alex’s bedroom where she heard the girl crying.

“Can I come with you?” Lexa asks sweetly and Clarke smiles. 

“Of course you can.” Clarke whispers, looking over to see if Raven can see them from the kitchen, before diving in for a quick goodmorning kiss. “Come on, let’s go cheer our baby girl up.”

They open the door and Alex is crying in her beanbag chair, hugging the soccer ball Lexa bought her all those months ago on one of their first meetups.

“I justs wanteds to show Mommy how big I am.” Alex cries and tries to wipe away her eyes.

“Baby, I’m sorry I yelled. You woke me up by screaming in my ear though. You know you can’t do that.” Clarke softly says, sitting down on the bed. She moves the girl’s blonde hair out of her face and takes away the soccer ball. Alex whines for a second but when Clarke opens her arms for a hug, Alex readily embraces her Mama. 

“Now I maded you deaf!” Alex cries into Clarke’s pajama shirt. Both parents wince at their daughter’s grammar. Clarke makes a mental notes to work on literature some more with Alex. Now is now the time though.

“Baby girl, your Mama isn’t deaf.” Lexa says sweetly, trying not to laugh at how kind their little baby girl is. She’s always so empathetic of others’ feelings. 

“Pwomise?” Alex’s little lip trembles as she looks at Lexa with her big green eyes. The firefighter melts. Her daughter is so adorable. 

“I promise. She can hear you can’t she?” Lexa lightly says and Alex nods furiously.

“Okay so then everything is good. And now you know not to yell in anyone’s ear. How about we say sorry to Mama and then go and try those yummy pancakes you and Aunt Raven made. How does that sound?” Lexa smiles and ruffles Alex’s hair.

“Good!” Alex chirps out, her tears long forgotten. “Mama, I’m sorry for hurting your ear. I pwomise I won’t yell in your ears again.”

“Apologies accepted honey. Now let’s go.” Clarke kisses the top of her flour covered head and Alex excitedly jumps up screaming the word ‘pancake’ over and over again all the way to the kitchen. Clarke and Lexa sit on their daughter’s bed for another moment. 

“You got a little flour right..here.” Lexa slowly wipes the flour off Clarke’s bottom lip with the pad of her thumb. Clarke is staring at Lexa with such awe that it makes Lexa blush and all the more curious.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” Lexa cutely laughs and Clarke bites her lip.

“You’re so good with her.” Clarke says and Lexa’s heart flutters at the compliment.

“It’s not that hard. Alex loves everyone. She’s a sweet girl.” Lexa says with a smile on her face.

“Alex is just like you, Lex. It takes her awhile to warm up to people. She’s never warmed up to someone as fast as she warmed up to you.” Clarke states honestly and Lexa feels herself overwhelmed with emotion.

“I..really?” Lexa is at a loss for words. She knows her daughter loves her but hearing this makes her heart smile.

“Yes. If you didn’t know already, you’re pretty great, Lexa Woods.” Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa’s neck and kisses her soundly. Lexa kisses back until Clarke pulls away a moment later.

“I already knew that. But thanks for the validation.” Lexa teases and pokes her tongue out at Clarke. Lexa gets up and walks into the kitchen and Clarke follows into the kitchen. Before they reach Alex and Raven, Clarke lightly slaps Lexa’s ass and playfully calls her a sarcastic ass. Lexa’s cheeks flush when Clarke’s slaps her butt and Clarke laugh at how easy it is to make Lexa blush.

The four of them eat the pancakes while they listen to Alex animatedly talk about Jasper and her’s upcoming play date. Lexa mumbles about how it better just be a ‘play’ date and Clarke laughs at Lexa’s overprotective side.

“Relax Lex, she’s only 6.” Clarke teases and Lexa huffs.

“Six or sixty, I’m ready to scare any boys or girls trying to put the moves on our baby girl.” Lexa grumbles and Clarke just shakes her head and smiles.

“You plan on living a long time.” Clarke teases back and Lexa smiles at her.

“As long as you’re by my side.” Lexa whispers to Clarke and the blonde bites her lip and looks away. Alex is so engrossed in her pancakes and story that she isn’t paying attention to the heart eyes her mommies are throwing at each other. But of course Raven pays attention. These two girls are so blatantly obvious.

“Mommy, wanna come to the park today?” Alex asks happily.

“I wish I could, but unfortunately I have work.” Lexa replies regretfully. “Speaking of which, I should get going. My shift starts in a few hours.” Lexa moves to get up, but Clarke’s arm stops her.

“Let me drive you.” Clarke says sweetly and Lexa smiles and nods.

“Mama, can I watch Sunday cartoons while you’re taking Mommy home?” Alex sneakily asks. She knows her Mama doesn’t let her watch a lot of TV on weekends. She likes Alex to be active and not in front of a screen.

“Okay, but when I get back, let’s practice some reading and writing before the park.” Clarke says in her ‘mom means business tone’ and Alex enthusiastically agrees. She actually really enjoys writing, especially creative stories where she can make up the characters and funny things for them to do.

“I love you peanut.” Lexa says as she envelops her daughter in a hug. 

“I love you Mommy.” Alex says excitedly. “I’ll see you soon. I’m gonnas go watch my cartoons now!” And with that, Alex runs off to turn on the TV. Lexa chuckles and says goodbye to Raven. Clarke promises Raven that she will be right back. She feels bad for how much she’s depended on Raven lately but she knows her best friend doesn’t mind. Raven loves spending time with Alex. Clarke misses one on one time with her little Alexbug though.

///

Clarke drives Lexa home and Lexa invites her up for a cup of coffee. Clarke laughs because she knows exactly what Lexa means, and it’s not a cup of coffee.

“Lex, didn’t you say you have work?” Clarke flirts and Lexa smirks.

“I do...in a few hours.” Lexa smiles and unbuckles her seatbelt, leaning over to kiss Clarke. Clarke responds to the kiss feverishly. “I’ll be at the firehouse for three whole days.” Lexa fake pouts and Clarke chuckles against the girl’s lips.

“Three days is an awfully long time.” Clarke rasps out, her voice already trembling in anticipation. 

“My thoughts exactly.” Lexa whispers before taking Clarke’s bottom lip in between her teeth and lightly nibbling. Clarke sighs out and pulls Lexa closer. The angle is weird and uncomfortable and before Lexa can ask Clarke if she wants to move this upstairs to her apartment, Clarke moves to straddle her in the seat.

“Oh my god.” Lexa’s eyes widen and Clarke smiles. They are in the parking deck for Lexa’s apartment. Clarke parked on the highest floor because she wanted to be in Lexa’s company five minutes more and Lexa certainly wasn’t complaining. But now, Clarke realizes that parking all the way up here was a great idea. There are no cars to be seen. The last car they saw was two floors down.

“When was the last time you had car sex?” Clarke murmurs against Lexa’s lips. “Because I remember my last time. It was with you. We were stuck in that storm. The weather was so bad and you didn’t want to drive in it so we waited it out in that abandoned parking lot.”

“I remember.” Lexa rasps out. “That was the last time for me too. You were so scared of the storm. You thought a serial killer was going to pop out and kill us.” The firefighter lightly chuckles at the memory.

“The sex was so good, Lex. You were so sexy that night. I can still remember how hard you made me orgasm that night.” Clarke whispers seductively in her lover’s ear. Lexa sucks in a shaky breath. Clarke’s being so dirty and it’s really doing something for her. 

“Get in the back seat.” Lexa is barely able to form words. She watches as Clarke’s eyes become dark with lust at the soft demand.

“Yes Commander.” Clarke purrs into her ear, biting her shoulder before getting into the back seat. Lexa follows her. Luckily, Clarke’s truck has a spacious back seat that folds down, giving them even more space. Her truck windows are also tinted, thank the lords. Clarke takes out the blanket she has hidden in the trunk compartment and lays it down as Lexa sheds her clothes.

“You know we could have just gone upstairs to my apartment.” Lexa says as she excitedly rids herself of everything but her boxers.

“Yeah, but what’s the fun in that? Live a little spontaneously Woods.” Clarke smirks before Lexa pushes her down, kissing her intensely.

Lexa rips off Clarke’s pajama shirt and sweats, as she didn’t change thinking she was only dropping Lexa off and going back home. Clarke isn’t wearing a bra and Lexa moans at the sight of her hard pink nipples.

“You’re not wearing a bra.” Lexa whimpers out, her hands lightly pinching and rubbing Clarke’s nipples. Clarke gasps and just arches her back in response. Lexa starts sucking love marks on top of the ones just from yesterday into Clarke’s soft skin. Clarke wraps her legs around Lexa’s ass and pushes her wet core onto Lexa’s ever growing bulge.

“I want to taste you.” Clarke moans out and Lexa’s dick twitches in excitement. Lexa looks out her with wide lustful eyes, speechless. Clarke just laughs at Lexa’s reaction. Clarke loves how Lexa’s brain seems to stop working whenever she talks dirty. “Get on your back babe.” Clarke seductively says and Lexa dumbly nods, too excited.

Clarke sucks on Lexa’s nipples first as she starts a steady grind on Lexa’s bulge. Lexa whimpers and whines before squeezing Clarke’s ass and speeding up the movements. Lexa pushes Clarke’s ass impossibly closer and Clarke screams out in pleasure. Her clit is rubbing against Lexa’s pulsing erection through the fabric of her panties. 

“Fuck.” Clarke’s eyes roll into the back of her head. Only Lexa could make her on the brink of orgasm just from some grinding. “Stop. Not yet.” Clarke moans out and Lexa immediately obliges. Clarke goes back to kisses Lexa’s breasts. She licks her way down her stomach and to the waistband of Lexa’s boxers. Lexa’s chest is heaving as she looks down at Clarke who looks up at her with a scandalous smile.

Clarke goes torturously slow when pulling Lexa’s last shred of clothing off of her. Lexa’s member stands tall and proud. Clarke kisses the tip and Lexa’s hips buck. Clarke smirks at how eager her girlfriend is. Is Lexa her girlfriend? They haven’t really talked about titles but Clarke supposes right now isn’t the time for that discussion. She makes a mental note to discuss it with Lexa later.

Clarke uses one of her hands to set a steady pace up and down Lexa’s shaft. Lexa moans out as Clarke’s mouth slowly moves up and down her penis. Clarke’s tongue licks the underside of her member and Lexa swears she’s in heaven. After a few minutes, Lexa is tense and on the edge. Her hands are clutching the blanket and her hips are moving in sync with Clarke’s delicious movements. Lexa is moaning loud, louder than she usually is. Her head is thrown back with her brown soft curls acting as almost a halo surrounding her. One of Clarke’s hands start fondling her balls and that’s when Lexa is done for.

“YES!” Lexa half screams half moans out. Her body feeling like jelly as she rides out her climax. Clarke swallows her whole load and lighlty sucks Lexa until she’s too sensitive. Clarke lays down and cuddles into Lexa. The brunette has a lazy smile on her face and her eyes are half closed.

“Looks like you liked that quite a bit?” Clarke teases and Lexa just keeps smiling, still in her post orgasm bliss. Her mind is all fuzzy. That was one of the best orgasms she has had since high school when her and Clarke were still teenagers. Clarke’s mouth has always been so fucking good.

“Mmm.” Lexa mumbles and Clarke just chuckles, pressing a light kiss to Lexa’s collarbone before closing her eyes and enjoying the physical closeness. Lexa rubs Clarke’s back as she slowly comes back to Earth. The cuddle like this for a long while, neither in a rush to do anything but hold each other.

“Lex?” Clarke sweetly asks.

“Yeah love?” Lexa crinkles her nose and yawns and Clarke swears it’s the cutest thing ever.

“I just...I love you.” Clarke says quietly with a smile on her face. Lexa looks at her and laughs.

“I love you too.” Lexa smiles, a little confused. It sounded like Clarke had more to say. “What’s on your mind?”

“Are you my...are we girlfriends? I know that sounds so high school but it popped into my head that we never really discussed what we are and I just wanted to know -” Clarke’s nervous yet oh so cute ramble is cut off by Lexa kissing her sweetly. Lexa eventually pulls away from the kiss and softly caresses the blonde’s cheek.

“It would be an honor if you would be my girlfriend, Clarke Griffin.” Lexa whispers against her lips. Clarke smiles and pulls Lexa in for another kiss. Lexa moves on top of Clarke and their kisses start getting heated. Lexa can feel herself growing harder again as she rubs herself against Clarke. The firefighter moves lower and removes Clarke’s panties. She spreads Clarke’s folds with her fingers and licks in an upward motion. Clarke loudly gasps and the unexpected sensation. Lexa smirks and moves on top of the blonde again, kissing her and rubbing her fingers on Clarke’s clit. 

After working up Clarke a bit more, Lexa goes to grab a condom from her wallet. She is careful not to rub her penis through Clarke’s folds since she already came once. Lexa puts the condom on and only then does she rub her penis against Clarke’s folds, specifically her clit. Clarke moans and moves her hips for more pressure. Lexa kisses her one last time before grabbing Clarke’s legs and swinging them over her shoulders. Lexa situates herself at Clarke’s entrance and looks to Clarke for confirmation to enter.

“Do it now Lex...please.” Clarke whimpers out and Lexa starts pushing her length in. Clarke’s hips are lifted just right and Lexa is penetrating her so deep and so good. Clarke moans loudly with each jerk of Lexa’s hips. Lexa is panting and grunting as they work up a sweat building each other's orgasms up to great heights. Heavy panting and wet skin slapping against each other can be heard throughout the car. Clarke and Lexa are so grateful that nobody has decided to drive all the way to the top floor of this parking lot. Soon they both come, bodies tense and moans loud.

Lexa pulls out and wraps the condom in tissues and ties it away in a plastic bag Clarke randomly had in her car. Clarke and Lexa cuddles a little bit more until the catch their breaths. Once their heartbeats are back to normal, they get dressed and Clarke follows Lexa upstairs for a quick shower so she doesn’t come home reeking of hot car sex.

They don’t have sex in the shower, both of them very tired out from the sex they just had and all the sex they had yesterday. Lexa softly massages Clarke’s scalp as she washes her hair with pomegranate scented shampoo. Clarke does the same for Lexa and the firefighter mewls at the contact. They wash each other's bodies with soap and exchange a few chaste kisses. They wrap each other in towels and Clarke gives Lexa some clothes to borrow. Clarke is about to leave. She wraps her arms around Lexa and gives her a gentle goodbye kiss.

“Set up a dinner with Anya for sometime next week.” Clarke lightly says before kissing Lexa’s lips again. Lexa is so shocked at the random sentence she doesn’t even kiss back.

“Wait what? Really?” Lexa asks hopeful. Clarke said yesterday that she would have to have dinner with Anya before she could ever meet Alex. This could be the first step to Anya maybe coming back into her life fully. If Lexa’s being honest, she deeply misses her sister and her weekly cordial visits with her aren’t enough anymore.

“I know you miss her. Deep down, I’ve always know Anya has a good heart. We can all go to dinner and see how it goes. I won’t make any promises, but I love you. I love you and I love Anya. She was always like an older sister to me. It’s time Lex. You deserve all your family.” Clarke cups Lexa’s cheeks and kisses her. 

“I don’t know how I ever got so lucky. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me. You’ve changed my life. Thank you so much.” Lexa says emotionally, resting her forehead against Clarke’s.

“You’ve changed my life too Lex. Now go put out some fires. Be safe. I’ll see you soon.” Clarke pecks her lips again and leaves to go see their baby.

///

Clarke gets home and Alex is watching cartoons with Raven. Alex is so into her cartoons she barely mumbles out a ‘Hi Mama.’ Raven, on the other hand, smirks and gets up from the couch. Clarke is in the kitchen grabbing a water bottle from the fridge.

“Thirsty huh?” Raven teases and Clarke playfully rolls her eyes. Raven chuckles and Clarke knows she’s not going to get off the hook so easy. “You know, if I remember correctly, you weren’t wearing a Polis Firehouse t shirt and sweats when you left this morning. Also, I’m pretty sure Lexa’s house is five minutes away by car not two hours. _Also,_ I don’t think your hair was wet when you left.” 

Clarke’s cheeks burn red and Raven laughs hysterically, cracking herself up. Yep, Clarke is definitely going to be teased for quite awhile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all comments and kudos! Next few chapters is where the real fun begins :)


	30. Endless Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa have dinner with Anya. We see what Anya has been up to lately. Brief appearance of little Alex too!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for any mistakes!

Lexa is freaking out a bit. She’s waiting in the car for Clarke. Today is the day that Clarke is going to meet up with Anya for the first time in years. She knows Clarke is trying to be supportive of her but she’s still scared that this whole ‘civil’ dinner is going to blow up in her face.

Clarke hops in the car and smiles at Lexa. “Hey sexy.” Clarke rasps out and it sends shivers down Lexa’s spine. Clearly, Clarke isn’t as nervous as Lexa is.

“H-hey baby.” Lexa stutters out. Clarke chuckles and bites her lip.

“No hello kiss?” Clarke pouts cute and Lexa laughs, her nerves immediately washing away from her body. Maybe that was Clarke’s plan all along. Maybe Clarke knows exactly how to make Lexa at ease. Clarke calms Lexa’s very soul.

“How can I deny you?” Lexa teases, gently pulling Clarke’s chin up so that their lips can meet in a gentle motion.

“Mm you better start driving before I pull you in the backseat for a repeat of last week.” Clarke bites her lip and Lexa gulps. Clarke knows how to rile her up with just a few words.

“Clarke.” Lexa whines. “You’re turning me on and now we have to sit through a whole dinner with my sister.” Lexa pouts adorably. Clarke chuckles and leans over to kiss Lexa’s cheek. It just so happens that Clarke’s ample cleavage is in Lexa’s face when Clarke does so. Lexa groans some more and throws her head back. Clarke just laughs.

“Hey I can’t help it if you’re a horny person.” Clarke giggles.

“Only for you. My body only reacts like this for you.” Lexa says sincerely and Clarke’s eyes soften. Clarke leans again and whispers in Lexa’s ear while lightly caressing her lover’s upper thigh.

“Well then if you’re good tonight, maybe you’ll have a chance to act on your body’s wants and needs.” Clarke murmurs seductively before teasingly biting Lexa’s earlobe. Lexa gasps slightly. Clarke Griffin will always keep Lexa Woods on her toes, that’s for sure.

///

Anya is already in the restaurant and she’s freaking out. She’s constantly checking herself in the front camera of her phone. Does she look okay? Will Clarke accept her apologies? Is Clarke coming her only to humiliate her and yell at her? No. Clarke Griffin would never do that no matter how angry she might be. And trust me, Clarke would have every right to yell and scream at Anya. Anya knows she fucked up all those years ago. And because of her mistakes, her sister was absent of the love of her life and her daughter’s life for seven whole years. 

**Pain in My Ass [7:35 P.M.] :** Hey babe. You got this. Everything will be okay just take some deep breaths. Maybe I’ll come over later to help you relax ;)

Anya smiles at the text. That girl has been one amazing lay, but truthfully Anya knows this one is special. This one might just be her forever.

“Anya, hey.” Lexa calls out from behind her. Anya immediately stands up. Clarke is dressed in a simple yet flattering grey dress. Lexa is wearing a white button up and black slacks. Immediately, Anya feels underdressed. She’s wearing a nice blouse with jeans. 

_What was I thinking wearing jeans?! Now Clarke isn’t going to take me seriously and she’s never going to forgive me. I’ll never meet my niece either._

“Heyllo.” Anya says and winces as soon as she says it. She awkwardly laughs. “I meant to say ‘hey’ but then last minute I wanted to say ‘hello.’ So uh..” 

“It’s fine Anya. Let’s sit down.” Lexa chuckles at her sister’s rambling. Anya is rarely uncomposed. Lexa was nervous for this dinner before as well but then Clarke calmed her down (but riled her up in a completely different way).

“So Anya..” Clarke starts out and the Woods sisters’ both hold their breaths. “I understand you’re working at Nyko’s bar?” Clarke says nonchalantly, in a friendly tone.

“Oh uh y-yeah. It’s good work and pays well. I know what you’re thinking..” Anya says with an uneasy smile. Clarke’s brows furrow and she looks at Anya confused. “You’re thinking ‘Oh wow the addict working at a bar. Great choice.’” Anya remarks sarcastically. “But I promise I haven’t had a single drop of alcohol or any forms of drugs for seven years. I’m clean. And for good this time.” Anya says sincerely and Clarke’s eyes soften. “I’m so sorry for what happened. I will never be able to give you those seven years back that I stole from my sister’s life, your life, and most importantly my beautiful little niece’s life. I was selfish. I ruined everything. I take full responsibility. And I understand if I’m never allowed to see your family again. Just know that I promise to never touch drugs or alcohol again.”

“Hi ladies, I’m John and I’ll be your server today. Can I start you off with some drinks? Wine?” The server asks and the whole table breaks into a laugh. Anya just went off on a spiel about how she’s clean and not a second later, somebody is offering her alcohol. Maybe they don’t even know why they’re laughing, but nevertheless they are. It’s dark humour but perhaps that’s exactly what’s needed to lighten up the mood.

“I think we need a minute, John.” Lexa says in between chuckles. John looks at them confused but nods and scurries away. Once the laughing dies off, Clarke holds out her hand for Anya to take. Anya briefly glances at Lexa and her little sister softly smiles and nods. Anya hesitantly takes the blonde’s hand.

“When I asked about your work, I wasn’t hinting about your addiction. I genuinely just wanted to know how you were spending your days.” Clarke says softly and Anya’s cheeks heat up in embarrassment. “That being said, I’m happy you shared that with me. I’m so proud of you, Anya. It’s not an easy thing to fight addictions. You’ve made mistakes. There is no use denying that. But I asked Lexa to make this dinner so we can put all that unpleasant shit behind us. I don’t want the shadow of the past haunting our future.” Clarke smiles and holds out her other hand to Lexa. Lexa of course takes her hand with no qualms. “I love your sister. You know that. We are a family now. Perhaps we always were. And that family will always include you.”

Anya nods and wipes away her few stray tears. “Thank you blondie.” 

“Of course. Now where’s that waiter of ours? We should order.” Clarke smiles and starts looking around the room for John the waiter. Lexa stares at her girlfriend in absolute awe.

 _I’m gonna marry her someday._ Lexa thinks. And she definitely isn’t wrong.

///

Anya gets home from the dinner with her sister and Clarke infinitely lighter. The dinner went well, better than well actually. Clarke was gracious and mature. She’s truly grown into a great woman.

Clarke admitted that she was angry at Anya, angry that she didn’t come to them with her struggles. They could have helped her, Clarke said. The blonde said that if they are to truly be a family, they need to communicate. Anya can’t fight her demons alone anymore. There were a few tears shed and hugs given.

Clarke agreed to set up a meetup for Anya to be introduced to her niece. Octavia’s birthday is coming up. Clarke reasoned that’s the perfect place. There’s no pressure of the meeting. Anya can be introduced to Alex and they’ll take it from there. Baby steps. That’s more than Anya was expecting to ever get.

Anya sits down on her couch, exhausted.

 **Pain in My Ass [9:18 P.M.] :** Hey there beautiful. Still down for meeting up tonight? I can be at yours in 15.

Anya bites her lip and quickly texts back. Maybe she’s not as exhausted as she thought.

///

Clarke and Lexa get back to Clarke’s apartment and relieved Raven of her babysitting duties. Alex is already in her pajamas, waiting for her mommies to tuck her in. 

“Mama! Mommy!” Alex runs up and hugs Clarke’s legs. Lexa and Clarke chuckle and bend down to embrace their little girl. They pepper kisses all over her face. Alex giggles. “Stopsit! Mommies!” Alex giggles some more until Clarke and Lexa finally relinquish their hold on their baby girl.

“I’m sorry peanut. We just missed you sooooo much.” Lexa says sweetly. Alex nuzzles into Clarke’s neck as they walk her into her bedroom.

“‘s okay. I misses you too.” Alex mumbles tiredly. “Are you sleeping over, Mommy?” Alex asks with a yawn. Lexa and Clarke smiles in amazement at their daughter. There are just small moments when you’re a parent when you just can’t believe you’ve created such a beautiful smart careful human. This is one of those moments.

“Yes I am. We can make pancakes in the morning and maybe we can convince Mama to watch Sunday cartoons with us.” Lexa says teasingly. Clarke hates cartoons. She always used to joke that hating cartoons is unnatural. Clarke sticks her tongue out a Lexa.

“Mama stuck her tongue out at you!! That’s no nice, Mama.” Alex pouts slightly and her parents chuckle.

“You’re right baby. That’s wasn’t nice of me.” Clarke says while chuckling. “I’ll have to _apologize_ to your Mommy later.” Clarke says and Alex accepts this as an appropriate response. Lexa gulps as soon as she sees Clarke wink at her.

Clarke and Lexa tuck Alex in and sit on the edge of her bed, ready to tell her a bedtime story.

“What kind of bedtime story do you want to hear tonight?” Clarke asks patiently, tucking Alex’s covers in tight. Alex rubs her chin and her features scrunch up as they do when she’s thinking really hard. Her eyes light up like a lightbulb when she figures out what story she wants to know.

“Tell me about when you two were in love!” Alex chirps out excitedly. Clarke and Lexa wince slightly at the past tense of ‘were.’ They _are_ in love. Maybe they should tell Alex soon about their romantic reunion. But not right before bed. The girl will never go to sleep after learning that news.

“Well I’ll always love your Mama, peanut.” Lexa says sweetly. “How about I tell you about the time I first knew I was in love with your Mama?”

Clarke looks over at Lexa with a soft smile on her face. She doesn’t think she’s ever heard the story of the exact moment that Lexa just _knew._

“It was my sophomore year. Your Mama and I were friends for about two months…”

_9 Years Ago_

_“Hey Lex. Can I paint you for a school project?” Clarke asks, her mouth full of jello. Lexa rolls her eyes and chuckles. Clarke is such a messy eater._

_“Is this a nude picture?” Lexa smirks and Clarke pushes her jokingly._

_“Shut up jerk. It’s just going to be your eyes. I have to do a painting that focuses on a body part. Your eyes were the first thing that popped into my head. There’s a beautiful complexity behind them.” Clarke answers sincerely. Lexa’s smirk is wiped right off her face. Her heart starts beating fast. Nobody has ever said something like that to her._

_“I...yes.” Lexa says quietly. Clarke smiles excitedly at her._

_“Wait really?! You’ll do it?” Clarke asks happily._

_“Yeah Clarke sure.” Lexa says sweetly._

_“Oh I’m so excited! Okay okay, let me go grab my art supplies. Meet me outside in the lawn by that tree we eat lunch under sometimes. You know the one, right? Okay great! Thanks Lex!” Clarke jumps out of her seat in the cafeteria, her half eaten sandwich and jello long forgotten. She kisses Lexa’s cheek and hurries out to gather her supplies._

_Lexa sits there frozen. Her heart is pounding and she can’t wipe the gentle loving smile off her face. She’s in love. She just knows it. She’s in love with Clarke Griffin._

_///_

__

“Really? I don’t even remember that.” Clarke says fondly. Lexa smiles back at her and shrugs.

“I always will.” Lexa murmurs quietly and Clarke feels her heart beating with the utmost love for Lexa.

“But..that wasn’t...you didn’t tell her you loved her! How did she know?” Alex asks confused. In the princess movies, the prince always tells the princess that he loves her as soon as he figures it out. Alex can’t wrap her mind around it. Why did her Mommy wait?

“Well, sometimes it’s scary to admit your feelings. Your Mama was my best friend and I never was in love before.” Lexa answers truthfully.

“But you can only be in love once right?” Alex asks confused. Her parents look at each other, biting their lips in hesitation.

“Sometimes people fall in love a bunch of times and that’s okay baby. It doesn’t always happen like the princess movies.” Clarke answers carefully. Alex’s eyebrows furrow up as she thinks over what her Mama just said.

“But sometimes you only fall in love once. It just depends.” Lexa supplies and Alex looks between her mommies curiously.

“Haves yous ever been in love with anyone else but eachother?” Alex asks quietly. She’ll be really sad if she finds out her mommies have loved other people.

“No we haven’t.” Clarke answers honestly and Lexa bites her lip to stop her smile.

“Okay then.” Alex says simply. “I liked that story.” The little girl says as she yawns and snuggles into her pillows. “Sing the daisy song, Mama.” Alex mumbles.

Clarke smiles and hums the song that she’s sung Alex ever since her daughter was a little baby. Lexaa watches as Clarke’s beautiful voice guides their daughter into a deep sleep.

///

“Fuck that was amazing.” Anya breathes out as the tan girl kisses back up the older Woods’ body. 

“I’m just that good.” Raven’s head pops out from under the covers with a smirk on her face. 

“Don’t get cocky Reyes.” Anya says with a dopey smile on her face. “Are you staying the night?” Anya tries to sound casual. Her and Raven aren’t serious. They’ve been sleeping together for about a month now. It all started when Raven walked into Nyko’s bar with a date. Her date was boring and Raven asked Anya to do her a solid and pretend she was her ex girlfriend who wanted her back. Raven’s date left in a huff, angry and pissed at the bartender for stealing her date.

One thing lead to another and the two of them ended up in bed together. They’ve been sleeping together since. Anya would like to say that it’s just casual but it doesn’t feel casual. Little does she know, Raven feels the same way. After all, she hates hiding things from Clarke. But this. This feels different. She needed time to figure it all out.

“Yeah. I plan on making you come several more times.” Raven says confidently, going in for a kiss. Maybe one of these days, these two girls will finally admit that it’s so much more than hot hot sex.

///

“So you really fell in love with me back when I was a freshman?” Clarke asks as she strips out of her dresses. Lexa bites her lip enjoying the view of Clarke in only her panties and bra. “Lex? Earth to Lexa?” Clarke turns around and smirks. Her girlfriend is so predictable staring at her ass with a wide open mouth like a fish.

“Huh?” Lexa says dumbly. Her mind finally catches up to the question. “Oh uh yeah of course I did. You were amazing, actually no..you _are_. So loving and caring. And you had such passion in your eyes. I couldn't resist loving you. I never could.” Lexa whispers lovingly as she comes behind Clarke and kisses her cheek.

“Always the charmer.” Clarke murmurs as lexa starts to kiss her neck seductively. The firefighter’s cold hands roaming all over Clarke’s creamy stomach, teasing her fingers in the waistband of Clarke’s red lace panties.

“I believe you owe me an apology, Ms. Griffin.” Lexa rasps out hotly against Clarke’s ear. Clarke closes her eyes and moans softly as Lexa’s fingers lightly explore her folds. Lexa is pressed against Clarke’s back. Clarke starts to rub her ass up against Lexa’s front. The firefighter grunts softly. 

“More.” Clarke needily says as she leads Lexa’s free hand to cup one of her breasts. Lexa moans quietly.

“We’ll have to be quiet.” Lexa whispers and Clarke nods.

“Very quiet.” Clarke husks out. “Get on the floor. The bed will make too much noise.”

“The floor?” Lexa asks unsurely.

“I want to ride you.” Clarke murmurs and Lexa sucks in a sharp breath.

“Oh okay.” Lexa says dumbly, her member hardening more and more by the second.

“Get out of the clothes while I lay down a blanket and some pillows.” Clarke instructs firmly and Lexa obeys. Clarke spreads out the pillows and blankets. Lexa immediately lays down naked and Clarke straddles her.

“You want to be inside me?” Clarke rasps out, her voice dirty. 

“Fuck Clarke.” Lexa’s hips jerk up as Clarke grips her shaft, using her hand to pleasure her lover. 

“You want to come?” Clarke says hotly and Lexa moans.

“God yes!” Lexa whisper screams out.

“Then be a good girl and let me ride your face first.” 

Lexa groans. She loves when Clarke takes charge like this and instructs her. 

“Fuck let me taste you. I’ll make you come so good baby.” Lexa moans out as Clarke takes off her own underwear and unhooks her bra, all while still straddling Lexa. Clarke situates herself on top Lexa, lowering her dripping core near Lexa’s mouth. 

Clarke gasps out as Lexa’s tongue immediately pushes inside of her eagerly. Lexa’s strong arms wrap around Clarke, keeping the blonde in her place. Lexa pushes her tongue in and out of her girlfriend. Clarke’s breathing is so fucking heavy. The blonde is trying so hard not to scream out loud because their daughter is fast asleep down the hall.

Lexa rubs her nose against Clarke’s clit. The blonde cries out and Lexa immediately stops. “If you can’t behave yourself, I’ll have to stop.” Lexa softly warns and Clarke whimpers. Lexa resumes her movements, this time sucking and licking Clarke’s clit. Clarke’s hips roll as much as Lexa will allow. Clarke is close, Lexa can tell. Lexa eats her out until Clarke’s body is tense and she can’t help but ride her lover’s face. 

Clarke shakily gets off Lexa and lays next to her. Both girls are wearing lazy content smiles on their faces.

“Give me five minutes and then you’ll be coming so hard you might pass out.” Clarke whispers as she gently kisses Lexa’s cheek. The two girls come two more times before getting dressed and moving onto the bed for a couple hours of sleep. They're finally sleeping peacefully for the first time in years and that's because they are in each other's arms. They have found their way to one another again. Their love is eternal. It is endless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been awhile since I updated this fic so I figured I would write a quick chapter since a lot of you have asked for an update. So I hope this is to your liking! There will be lots more fluff ahead and a time jump really _really_ soon. Any ideas what's going to happen next??
> 
> Did you enjoy that Ranya surprise thrown in there? I hope those who have been waiting for Raven and Anya's get together enjoyed that. There will be more moments between them soon enough, don't worry haha.
> 
> Enjoy ! Thanks for reading!


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